I Think We Should Just Be Friends

Jul 20, 2015 by Coach Corey Wayne

Couple having lunchWhat it means and what you should do when a woman you are dating or trying to date says, “I think we should just be friends,” but your interest is strictly romantic and not platonic.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who met a woman who he thought was perfect looking about ten weeks ago. He met her during a public event that she was running. She joined him for a drink after the event ended. He tried to kiss her at the end, but she gave him a hug instead. However, he says that the romantic vibes were there, and that they, “immediately made flirty tentative plans to get together again.” She texted him before he could even get home saying that she had a great night. He says plans did not materialize right away for their second date, but that a week later they finally got together. He picked her up at her house, and on the date he moved in close to escalate physical contact. Then she blurted out, “I think we should just be friends.” He dismissed and ignored this.

They’ve hung out several times since then, she stayed the night at his place once, and she has admitted to liking him, but they still have not kissed yet. She says that it is because of her ex, who is still calling, and also uses the excuse that she does not want to rush into anything. He says she is backing away and does not contact him very much anymore. He asks how to get out of friend-zone. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.

Hi Corey,

I’m a recent, but big, fan of your work. Thank you for all you do for guys like us. About ten weeks ago, I met a perfect looking woman while she was running a public event that I was at. During the event, I asked her to join me for a drink after she got off work, Attractive couple taking a selfie together on white background to which she quickly agreed, despite that being a risk to her position. After four hours of talking and laughing together after the event at the bar next door, she turned my attempt at a kiss into a hug at the end of the night. (That tells you all you need to know. You want someone who is into you as much as you’re into them, and who is available.) However, the romantic vibes were there, and we immediately made flirty tentative plans to get together again. She texted me before I could get back home, thanking me for the nice night.

Plans didn’t materialize right away, but her eagerness‎ was fairly strong, and we went out a second time a week later. I picked her up at her home, and she was bubbly, upbeat and ready for our second date. (It sounds like she was excited about the free meal and the entertainment.) As soon as we arrived at the bar and sat down, I moved in for some physical closeness and she cut me off with a surprising, “I think we should just be friends.” (That tells me you have no sensory acuity. It doesn’t work that way. Romantic couple You’ve got to take things in order. You have definitely not read my book.) ‎I was playful, dismissive and cocky, citing that was a strange thing to say, and I didn’t really believe that she meant it. I remained physical and flirty throughout the evening and into the next morning, and she was clearly conflicted. She cited that her ex of a year and a half had been calling a lot, and that she didn’t want to make any mistakes with me by getting into anything too quickly. (You should have told her you were not interested in dating her if she wasn’t over her ex.) I assured her that I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but that I found her irresistible. She remained flattered, playful, and positive, but still wouldn’t let me all-out kiss her mouth, despite my roaming hands and lips. This date lasted from 10 pm to 7:30 am.

She has since stayed the night at my home, admitted to “liking” me but to “not wanting to rush into anything,” had a few very long nights with me, and attended a wedding with me last weekend. I stopped trying to kiss her mouth outright, but kept things otherwise physical with my hands and suggestive with my language. (You’re ignoring the fact she is enjoying the money and attention you’re spending on her, and she doesn’t have to do anything.) However, since the wedding twelve days ago, she stopped initiating contact with me. She was extremely quick to meet with me for a gym-date a couple of days ago after I texted her the invite, (You’re buddies. She was definitely serious about that friendship thing dude), but her interest is a bit more cautious, in addition to not initiating texts and calls like she did prior to the wedding. Young couple at the gym exercising on the xtrainer machines My next move is no move, and I’m planning to put my foot down if this pseudo friend zone shit continues, (It has already been ten weeks. Never call or contact this woman again. If she ever reaches out, invite her over to your house to make dinner together, and let her know you’re not interested in anything platonic), when she inevitably reaches back out to me. Can you offer any thoughts or insight as to what exactly I’ve stumbled into? (You’ve stumbled into a massive knowledge gap because you haven’t read my book yet. The first date should have been the last date.) Her messages are very baffling, (Dude, they’re crystal clear. You just don’t know what to look for, because you haven’t read the book 10-15 times), and I can’t figure out if she’s losing interest due to a misstep on my part, (I don’t think she had much interest there. You sound like you’re a little too touchy-feely and don’t know when it’s appropriate to go for the kiss), or if she has other reasons for no longer initiating contact. (She needs to know you’re not interested in just being her buddy or her therapist. Don’t be dating women like this. You’re doing everything, and she’s doing nothing. She’s not even making the effort to contact you anymore. You’re projecting your unreasonable, irrational fantasy on her, and ignoring the fact that she’s not into you.)

Strange mess,

Bob

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“The smart thing for men and women to do, when a current or potential romantic partner says they want friendship only, is to decline their platonic relationship offer, walk away, never look back, and never contact them again, but tell them to get in contact if they ever change their mind. When you agree to spend time with people who only offer platonic friendship when your interest is romantic, you are enabling and inviting them to keep you in friends-zone. If it’s not a win-win situation where you both get what you want, then there is no deal to be made, and you should walk away forever.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne

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Published on July 20, 2015

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Comments

  1. Here’s a question, met a guy over a year ago. I had just gotten divorced & he was just finalizing his papers & said he was not really interested in a romantic relationship, but we got along great & had fun together so we remained friends …. but, from that first date forward he always touches me. It almost feels like it’s just a natural reflect on his part (he was married for 30 years). I grew to like him back in this same way, but started to notice that he would not touch me around his daughter, but would around my kids (even though they’re younger & find it gross & I have spoken to him about this). Everytime I try to discuss something with him, he takes it to the 10th degree & calls everything off only to double back wanting a reconciliation … back & forth he goes. We can’t be just friends because he can’t seem to control the impulse to be physically affectionate & he says it’s too painful for him, but he won’t make a commitment either. He also insists that a mouth kiss hello with other females is normal because his ex didn’t mind it & he also hand kisses females in my presence, kissy lip emojis his other girl friends & shows them to me along with pics of him & this or that friend who is a girl. Is he just being forthcoming, or an abusive jerk? I’ve been out of the dating scene for 20 years & need some help deciphering all this. Thanks in advance.

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