I Thought I Was Making Progress Getting Her Back, Then She Became Flaky Again

Some reasons why a woman will become flaky again after you made progress getting her back.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following me for over a year and read 3% Man a few times. He says he got dumped for his beta male like behavior. He went no contact and then things started heating up again. He went to see her and they had a great time and hooked up. When he was trying to plan their next get together, she became flaky again and he doesn’t understand why.

I explain where he went wrong and what to do instead. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who says he’s been following me for a little over a year. He’s read 3% Man. He says a few times and he admits he got dumped because of, as he puts it, his beta male like behavior. So he says he went no contact and then things started heating up again. I guess they were living together. Then after they broke up, she moved out. Now it seems like she’s kind of long distance from him. So it seems like they’ve got to travel.

There’s some glaring things that he’s done here that are the opposite of what’s in the book, and he’s clearly not following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back either, so we have to assume we have another cherry picker on our hands. For somebody to follow me this long and to say they read the book as many times as they claim to, but doing these things that are obvious mistakes in here, you see why he’s struggling.

He goes to see her, things kind of seem like they were getting back to normal. He flies back home, then they’re talking just about every day, texting every day. Then he loses his way and he doesn’t recognize what he did. I mean, it’s an obvious thing to me and probably for you guys that are that are familiar with what’s in the book and 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. He did everything good getting together with her. He should have had her come to him because she’s the one that broke up with him, she’s the one that moved out, she’s the one that moved away, but he’s going to her. Still, his overall problem is just too many beta male like behaviors. So when they continue talking after he goes back home, he basically says, “Hey, what are we going to do?” And he starts giving her choices. In essence, asking her to lead. Then her attraction level just completely plummets, she starts to become flaky and he really doesn’t have any idea why things have gone sideways.

This is why I say over and over and over and I’ll say it till the day I croak that you got to read the book 10 to 15 times, and you have to read it so well and so much that you could teach a class on it, not just half ass it, cherry pick and try to copy and paste something from a video to your situation. You have to understand the philosophy because as this guy says, his problem is just too many beta male like behaviors and he doesn’t realize it. He’s cleaned up some of them, but overall, he’s still acting the same way.

Women want you to be more masculine than they are, and when you put them in the leadership position, it’s the same kind of thing like, “Hey, what do you want to do tonight, honey? Hey, where do you want to have dinner at, honey?” “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” “Oh, where do you want to go, honey?” And the guy can’t make a decision. He can’t lead. It’s the man’s job to come up with something to do and invite her to join him. So somewhere along the way, probably because he’s so used to taking a back seat, maybe he was raised by a single mom, maybe his dad was kind of like my dad was, which was just kind of checked out, let the wife do everything, raise the kids, he only spoke up when it was time to instill discipline. At the end of the day, my mom, she ran the household. So if a guy has been raised by a domineering mother that’s in her masculine and bosses her husband around, well typically guys are going to get themselves into situations like that when they grow up and they become adults because it feels familiar to them being bossed around by a girl if they’re used to their mom bossing them around and the mom being the leader, the head of the household. It’s just natural that they’re going to feel like that’s the right thing to do in these situations.

So everything was going well. Then as soon as he basically tries to put her back in the leadership role, which is exactly why she left him in the first place, she gets completely turned off. So his game is sloppy, his knowledge of the book is sloppy and he just hasn’t taken the things I’ve said seriously. I mean, if you’re going to follow me, I think he said 18 months he’s been following me, and he’s been involved with this girl for three plus years, it’s like he cherry picked things and then he noticed that his relationship would get a little bit better, he probably stopped watching the videos, stopped reading the book and he’s like, “Oh, I got it on auto pilot. It’s great.” Then when they start having problems again, he starts trying to cherry pick, trying to solve, it gets a little better, he’s like, “I got this,” because he doesn’t want to read the book. He doesn’t really want to spend the time learning these things because this is how most humans are. We’re like, “What are the cliff notes? What’s the shortcut to success? What are the most important things I need to know to fix this issue here?” You’ll get some attainable success, but this guy is finding out he’s not able to sustain it. So the problem is that he’s not consistently acting attractive when he interacts with her. He still continually defers to her and this has to be something that, especially if you’re a young guy, you’re going to have to overcome, because if you don’t, you’re going to continually get rejected and blown off for the same reasons.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach, 

It’s been great watching all of your content on YouTube and I have read your book a handful of times over the last 18 months.

Ten to 15 times, dude. This is why you’re struggling. This is why you don’t understand what’s going on and why your girl is acting flaky, is you don’t know the book, so you’re vacillating back and forth between acting like a man and acting like a woman. If you act like a man, it turns her on and she’s all over you. If you start acting like an indecisive little girl and treating her like your mommy expecting to be told what to do, she’s going to lose respect, lose interest, lose attraction and she’s going to back away. That’s just how they operate. You’re supposed to be the leader. You’re supposed to be direct, decisive, get to the point and make things happen. That’s what men do. We make things happen.

I have been involved in a complicated relationship for the last 3+ years. I met a girl who had just moved from out of town, and we instantly hit it off. Three months later, we were dating. Nine months later, we were living together. After two years of living together, she broke up with me. Mostly on me, beta behavior, the standard reasons why girls lose attraction and break your heart. That’s when I really started applying your work and locked into 30-day no contact.

Again, he’s looking at this as like, “What are the techniques? Oh, no contact. That’ll solve everything.” No, it won’t.

She’d reach out, reach out again and eventually I was visiting her and having a great time which led to us getting back together.  

OK so at this point you go no contact, because she’s moved out, she dumped you and obviously she moved away, which you’ll see later on in the email that they’re having to take plane rides to get to each other. Maybe she moved back home, be with her family or whatever.

The reason why you go no contact is because you want sex and romance, and she is not feeling it. She tries to put you in the friend zone. That’s why if you’ve been rejected, if she’s the one that screwed things up, if she dumped you, moved out, moved away, she’s got to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. What happened was she starts to come back and you’ll notice a little later on in the email, he starts to reach out because he got together, they hooked up and now he’s like, “Oh, now I can go right back to my old behavior.” As soon as he does that, she gets turned off for exactly the same reasons that drove her away in the beginning, and he doesn’t recognize it because again, he hasn’t taken the time to really read the book and learn it because he’s just trying to copy and paste simple solutions that then he can go back to his life and kind of check out. There are no shortcuts to success. That’s just a fact of life.

As the late, great doctor Wayne Dyer used to say, “It’s never crowded along the extra mile.” In other words, most human beings are just simply not willing to do what it takes to get through that extra mile. When you look around, you realize there’s only a handful of people, everybody else fell out and quit a long time ago. That’s why most people don’t reach their full potential.

At least at this point in the story, he’s letting her come back to him because again, she wrecked it, she’s got to fix it. That’s why even if she comes back and you hook up, you don’t start pursuing again, because what happens is then it’s your idea instead of her idea, and then she’ll start backing off and become unsure of her feelings instead of you letting her come back to you at her pace, which is what you should be doing.

When she moved back in with me after three months apart, it was obvious to us both that she was more into me then her. Although when we were separated for those months, I’d have gone to the extreme to have her back in my life. Shitty how that works.

So he let her come back to him. At that point, she moved back in, probably didn’t really spend much time reading the book, didn’t really learn it, so slowly over the coming weeks and months, he just started reverting right back to all the behavior that turned her off and he didn’t have the self-awareness to recognize that he was doing this because he didn’t know the book backwards and forwards. It’s like he didn’t recognize it until it was too late.

After a rocky start back together, she then checked out and was just going through the motions for months until one large fight drove her back out of my life.

It’s not that the fight drove her out of your life, it’s that that was the excuse to blow things up because once again, you reverted right back to your beta male ways. You turned her off. You did exactly the same things that you did wrong before, and of course, she lost interest, respect and attraction.

She left about two months ago, but what has transpired since has left me confused and I’m hoping you can help guide me and those similarly in my situation. 

Well, all I can do is suggest, be a coach and I can lead you to water, but if you refuse to drink, if you think you’re special, different and you don’t need to read the book 10 to 15 times and really learn this stuff backwards and forwards, you shouldn’t be shocked or confused as to why she goes cold again on you. I mean, your behavior and her leaving again is as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west. I could set my watch to it. If you’re going to continue to revert back to your old behavior, not only will you drive her away again, but any other woman you meet in the future, you’ll drive her away for the same reason.

You got to understand, whatever you observe, you participate in. If you’re just watching regular TV, regular movies, you’re constantly getting propagandized with dysfunctional archetypes of how men and women shouldn’t interact, but you get emotionally anchored to it, and you can’t help but become slowly brainwashed by it. That’s just a fact of life. If you’re not undoing the programming and the brainwashing by learning the book and seeing these things over and over and over again, especially when you watch a movie or a TV show, you go, “Oh, that’s bullshit.” When I see stuff like that in movies, I roll my eyes. It’s just like now especially with all the training that I’ve done with pistol and rifle over the years, now when I watch a gunfight in a Hollywood movie, I’m just like, “Oh, this is so ridiculous,” like people are able to outrun bullets. It’s like, give me a fucking break. Come on. It doesn’t happen in the real world. In the real world, the good guy, if he behaved the way he did in the movies, he would be shot and dead instantly, but it’s Hollywood, it’s all make believe and totally unrealistic.

When she packed up and left town two months ago, we were still conversing daily for the first two weeks…

Meaning he was probably continuing to pursue her after she left.

…And she’d mention coming back, missing me, and how she made a mistake.

He didn’t let her come back to him 100%. He was still pursuing.

After a few times of her getting cold feet anytime it was her turn to make the trip back, I thought this was done. I then started to show less interest, used tools like Instagram to help me make her a bit jealous, and then out of nowhere she mentioned us getting together for a few days.

So her attraction is just going like this because he’s consistently inconsistent. As soon as she starts coming back, he’s like, “I got it,” and then he swamps her with attention, she loses interest and disappears.

Again, he doesn’t see it. I mean, this is detailed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. She’s got to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing when she’s left you. That’s just a fact. A lot of guys make the mistake, especially the cherry pickers do this all the time, is that she starts to come back, they hold out and they go no contact, and when things go well and they think they’ve got it, then they start pursuing. Then what happens is she slowly starts to back off and become more distant and then they pursue more. Then the next thing you know, he’s getting ignored, blown off and getting flaky responses. This is so predictable and so easy to understand, but this is what happens when you’re a shitty student. I’m just being honest. I’m not going to blow sunshine up your ass.

As with the last few times when it was her turn to pull the trigger on dates or flights she became flaky and I took the opportunity to just tell her I was going to fly out to her. A week later, I was with her.

So she has all the leverage. She should be coming to him. This is detailed in 7 Principles To Getting An Ex Back, but he’s doing the opposite of that. He’s trying to cherry pick and do things his way because he’s so desperate to spend time with her, and notice what he says, he’s just so over the top with his praise and how amazing their time was together. If I was to talk to her about this, she’s probably not that excited about it, because then we see how she behaves afterwards.

We had an unbelievable time, great restaurants, great activities, great sex, great time together. Honestly, it was a euphoric feeling like I had never felt before.

This guy is dopey and in la-la land, just totally carried away by his emotions and feelings. He’s acting like a girl. So what’s going to happen when you act like a girl? You’re going to turn her off the same way you did before.

While it was clear to me she has changed a bit in our month apart I was still madly in love with her.

So there he’s completely focused on his interests in her and totally ignoring the fact she’s just kind of going along with things.

I left town, and told myself I wouldn’t reach out to her nor chase her. For the first week, it was clockwork, every day she’d find a reason to reach out to me. After a week she texted me that she wanted to see me again in the next week or so. My excitement level was at an all time high.

So I would have just said, “That’s awesome, send me your itinerary. I’ll pick your cute little ass up at the airport. Can’t wait to see you.” So what does he do? Does he let her come to him? Of course not.

After a week, I asked her what the plan was…

Does that sound like a leader? Does that sound like somebody who’s direct, decisive and gets to the point? The guy whose job it is to create an opportunity for sex to happen? Or does that sound like something a girl would say? “What are we going to do? What are we going to do when I see you next?” Basically saying, “Honey, I want you to be the man again.”

…Was she going to fly in and spend time where I lived, meet me on the road, or should I come to her. That’s when things changed.

Yeah, because you started acting like a bitch again. If you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch. You’re supposed to be the leader. She’s supposed to come to you. Instead, you’re jumping through your butt, doing everything you can to try to please her and accommodate her. This is still completely beta like behavior. This is why you’re getting jerked around. It’s so obvious. It’s kind of surprising that he can’t see it when he’s been following me for this long, but why would that be? Because his emotions are overriding his logic and reason. He talks himself into continuing to pursue.

Again, this is why I say you got to immerse yourself in the book and just continually be reading it so the concepts are going through your head constantly every day, instead of constantly watching TV and movies where the dudes are always chasing after women. In the movies and the TV shows, it works. In real life, when you do that, you get this lukewarm behavior from her.

The same girl that was flaking when we broke up two months ago re-appeared.

Yeah, because you became totally unattractive. You tried to make her the leader. This is so obvious.

It’s like me showing her I wanted to see her or cared, drove her away.

No, you acting like a bitch drove her away. You should have said, “Get your tickets. When are you going to come see me? I miss you. I want you here. I want you naked in my bed. I want to see you naked cooking in the kitchen. Maybe with an apron on so you don’t get the titties burn,” but that’s another story.

She’d made excuses as to why we couldn’t get together, and has now been flaky on text, FaceTime for the last week.

So that tells me he’s probably continually reaching out to her and it doesn’t click. Again, this is detailed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. I mean, I published that 10, 11 years ago, I think it was. If you violate those principles, well you’re not going to be successful. So what this guy has done, he’s got some attainable success, but he’s not able to sustain it because he continually reverts back to trying to make her the leader. This is why, probably he was raised by a domineering woman, so he doesn’t recognize it yet, but that’s why he continually gets this back and forth.

She’s totally flipped from the girl that was messaging me that she was having dreams about me and missing me to not showing any interest. 

Yeah, because you completely turned her off. You dried her pussy up drier than the Sahara Desert.

I know she’s confused…

“I’m confused.” What she’s confused about is how into you she was a few weeks ago and then you started acting like a bitch. You repulse her now. She doesn’t understand why you’re attractive one moment and unattractive the next. Most women don’t understand how attraction works. They just know that, “I should feel something different, but I don’t.” The only thing that really matters with women is how they feel about you, not what a good dude you are.

…And has told me she’s in a funk…

It’s not because she’s in a funk. She doesn’t respect you and you lowered her attraction.

…But there is only so much I can take of this hot/cold out of her.

Well, if you don’t overcome this and learn what’s in the book, the next girlfriend, you’re going to chase her right out of your life for exactly the same beta male behaviors.

The last of our correspondence was me Facetiming her on Friday…

Again, as detailed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, she should be doing 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. So what happened was he got a little taste of the pussy, he got all excited, he got all dopey. I mean, he was drooling in the email over this girl, “How great, how euphoric it was,” and he doesn’t recognize that the power completely flipped once again. Now he’s doing all the calling, texting and pursuing. He’s acting like a girl. She’s acting like a stoic man.

…Which she ignored, but then a day later she is loving one of my Instagram Stories which was a photo of me out from over the weekend. I didn’t respond to that. 

And you shouldn’t. If she loves one of your stories, you don’t respond to that. You respond to direct messages. If she comments on something, then you can heart the comment. If she just loves your story, there’s nothing to do to that. You don’t heart her back. That’s ridiculous. You shouldn’t even be noticing those things.

The last wrinkle is that I’m moving condos in a week and she still has a few important things that were left when she flew home two months ago. My preference is for her to come help me with the move (Which she mentioned as a possibility when she bailed on seeing me last week) and grab her stuff, but I don’t know what I should or shouldn’t do at this point to drive her away further.

Thanks for the advice!

Bob

Stop fucking pursuing her! Stop calling, stop texting her. You’re pursuit is over forever, dude. That means you don’t call, text or reach out for any reason. You got to let her come to you, that way it’s her idea. What happened is she started to come back. She was doing all the calling, texting and pursuing, and you were seeing her and things were progressing. She even moved back in for a bit and then you went right back to making her the man in the relationship. You chased her out of your condo and you chased her back home. Now that she’s back home, you’re continuing to chase her. It’s not dawning on you that your behavior is completely changed, it’s completely reverted back to an unattractive beta male. That’s why she doesn’t want to come see you.

At this point, you don’t do anything. You wait to hear from her. If she reaches out, “When are you going to come see me?” If she’s like, “Gee, I don’t know. I just wanted to talk for a bit,” just say, “Well, figure out your schedule and come back and see me.” If she gets in contact before your move is happening, then you tell her, “Hey, I’m moving this weekend. Why don’t you get your cute little ass on an airplane and come help me like you said you would?” If she gives you some excuse, then I wouldn’t even respond to that. I just let it be. There’s nothing to say. It’s like she either wants to come see you, you hang out, you have fun, you hook up or you’re not going to get together. You flying across the country and doing all the work, doing all the pursuing, again it’s just surprising that you don’t see what you’re doing wrong because it’s so obvious to me and I’m sure most of the people in the Members Area watching this video. It’s just kind of absurd, your behavior. This is how powerful our emotions are. It completely overrides all logic, all reason, because we’re emotionally invested. We make our choices based on our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify our decisions.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.