Why thinking, believing or deciding a woman is “the one” perfect woman for you, before you really get to know her and are able to observe her actions over time, is a sure fire way to be disappointed, taken advantage of and get your heart broken unnecessarily.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer I did a phone session with this past year. A woman he met and started dating two years ago, he initially thought was “the one,” started mistreating him in ways he did not expect. She seemed focused on how much money he made and often compared him to a rich ex-boyfriend of hers. She started backing away, and he started chasing, begging and seeking her approval to no avail. He finally walked away. Then he drunk texted her on New Year’s Eve, and they hooked up, but she blew him off shortly thereafter, because he did not measure up financially in her eyes. Then he found my work.
Three months later, she reached out to him, and they hooked up again. She said she was not looking for a relationship, but did not want to lose him. She also compared him to a guy she had recently started seeing, who bought her expensive gifts, and pointed out she had no expensive gifts from him. He stood up for himself and what he wanted, and he walked away. He is dating three other women and expects to hear from her again when she starts missing him, but now he sees her for what she really is, shares what he has learned and shares how he has finally regained his power. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email.
I’m just dropping a line to say thanks and update you, as I am sure many guys have been in this situation, and I thought it may be a good video. We had a Skype session a while back. I don’t expect you to remember the details, but here it is in brief…
About 2 years ago I met this girl, and the first four months where incredible; I thought she was “the one.” We were exchanging I love you’s, and she would be driving to see me, 50 miles, just as much as I would her. (At that moment in time, she placed a high value on being with you and dating you.) We met each others families, they loved me and mine loved her. (I talk about this in my book. People can hide who they really are for the first 90 days of a relationship. However, because you spend so much time together, the facade falls away, and you get to see the person for who they really are.) I thought it was all perfect. Then about 6 months into the relationship, she went on holiday with her mum for two weeks and came back saying, “I did not really miss you and am not happy.” It was a huge shock and completely unexpected. She then started comparing me to her ex, who was a millionaire and 10 years older, saying stuff like I did not treat her as well as him, etc. (When people first start dating, they focus on what they like about the other person. Towards the end, when the breakup happens, they focus on what they don’t like. That dynamic tends to flip, especially when you realize your goals and values are not aligned.) She is a solid 9 looks-wise, and has her pick of guys. At this point, I was a trainee attorney earning decent money, but in her words, had bags of potential to do well. (There’s nothing wrong with a woman wanting a man to be better than he is. She will push you to be more than you are and to expand, and vice versa. The whole purpose of a relationship is you go there to give. You’re there to help each other grow and become more, but not when she is looking at you like a money mule who’s going to pay her bills and make her life easy. If you’re a high-achieving person, you’re not going to respect that.)
I did the typical thing a man does who has no fucking clue and chased with calls, texts, flowers, letters and all the usual crap. Needless to say, it did not work. A couple of months went by, and I was seriously in a rut and could see no way out. I had never been in that position, and thought I was not the sort of person to get depressed, but I was. (You wanted reality to be other than it was, therefore, you suffered. You wanted things to go back to the way they were, but you perceived her in ways that were congruent with your fantasy, and you were blinded by your strong attraction and emotions for her.) Anyway, at New Years I was in Dublin with friends, and after a few too many drinks, I texted her Happy New Year, etc. and she came back and said we should hook up. She came to my place, we slept together, and basically things started up again and went back to being perfect for 4 months. (You just went right back into the fantasy land. Since you went back and pursued her, your behavior really hasn’t really modified that much. You don’t have the power when you are chasing and pursuing someone who disrespected you and tossed you aside for no reason.)
It came around to me fully qualifying as an attorney, and I spent about a month doing interviews, etc., always explaining to her that I wanted this job for me and to support our family. She did not seem to understand and kept asking to go on holiday. I explained we would when I secured a job, but we would need to contribute equally. She hit the roof and said, why would I want to pay for my own holiday. She went away with her mum, and again came back saying it’s over, etc. I was cut up again, but thought I am not letting it get to me, so went on my own awesome holidays to New York and to Munich for Oktoberfest.
Three months have now passed again, and guess who shows up? So last week she came to my city, we went for dinner, and she explained she has met someone else. She told me it is not the sort of person people would expect her to be with, but he treats her well. My response was, “So he is ugly, but with money.” (If she was really into her new guy, she wouldn’t have reached out.) We got to talking about our past, I know bad idea, and she said to me, “This guy has already bought me two designer bags, and I have nothing designer from you to show off.” (That’s pretty shallow.) I did not respond, but at this point in my head, the penny finally dropped. Like you pointed out on Skype, this girl is a narcissist. We ended up in my bed, and as she was leaving she said, “I don’t want to be in a relationship, but I don’t want to lose you from my life.” I turned to her and said, “Jessica, you either want all of me or none of me. We are not being just friends, and if am honest, I don’t want my love to be judged on presents. You have my number, and if you ever want to get serious, you know where I am. Drive safe.” (I would never say, “get serious.” Just hang out, have fun and hook up. Create an opportunity for sex to happen. It’s her job to talk you into becoming her boyfriend.) This week I have three dates, am in an amazing job and am getting back in shape. Your videos, book and Skype have helped, and if I am being honest, if this girl did ever come back asking for more, I would probably say no. (I would say hang out have fun and hook up, and let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. If you’re looking for a relationship, you want a true equal, not somebody who’s going to be an energy vampire or who uses you as a money mule. Remember, saying no is really powerful in negotiation and life, because when you value yourself, you’re not going to let people cross your boundaries.)
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“The universe works in mysterious and unexpected ways. It will deliver the perfect people into your life to exploit your weaknesses, fears and shortcomings so you can transcend them, and they instead can become some of your greatest strengths. Nothing happens by accident in life, and there is no such thing as a coincidence. The universe is very efficient, balanced and always conforms to your thoughts, feelings, desires, emotions and actions slowly over time. By moving in the direction of your outcomes and disciplining yourself to not become attached to circumstances being a certain way, or certain people being in your life, you’ll open yourself up to allowing the right people and circumstances to effortlessly manifest in ways that are even better than you expected.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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