I Took Indifference Too Far & She Cheated With Another Guy!

Where to draw the line on being indifferent & setting healthy boundaries.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who took being indifferent with his girlfriend to the extreme that he found out she was cheating on him with another guy. He didn’t care what she did or who she was with until he found out she was cheating because he was totally checked out.

I explain where he went wrong and what he needs to do going forward. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, I’ve seen these kind of comments on my YouTube channel on and off over the years, and guys tend to confuse using indifference when you’re kind of casually dating and trying to pick up a girl with how to treat somebody you’re in a relationship with. This particular guy, he just like took it to the extreme to the point where it just looks like he was totally checked out. What a lot of guys do when they come across my work, they start applying what’s in the book and they start getting laid, they start meeting girls, hey have more success than they’ve ever had and they’re like, “Man, this is easy. These girls are all over me. I don’t really have to do anything.” Then they just stop reading the book. They don’t really bother with any of the relationship wisdom in the book, and they just focus on the casual dating and hookup skills and basically being a booty call.

What happens is they get into a relationship and then they never grow beyond that mindset and that level of understanding. So they’re in an intimate relationship, yet they’re still treating their supposed girlfriend like a booty call. Like in this case, this guy’s like, “Hey, I’m going to go surprise my girlfriend and show up a little early.” He shows up early and she’s there with another guy that she’s clearly been cheating with. That’s the kind of thing that happens if you have no idea what’s going on. There’s no closeness. There’s no intimacy between you and your supposed girlfriend.

I did a video newsletter the other day. A guy’s been in a relationship with a woman for three years. He calls her his girlfriend, but she’s an hour away and they only see each other on the weekends. She has a child he’s never met. The child has no interest. He’s cool with that. Yet he refers to her as his girlfriend. She doesn’t want any more kids and he agreed to it, even though deep down, someday he wants a family. I was going through that email and it’s like, you’re in a relationship for three years, you only see her on the weekends, that’s a booty call. That’s not a real close, intimate relationship. That’s just not normal behavior.

Again, as the book says, it starts with the pickup skills, translates into dating skills and then transfers into relationships. Like I said, a lot of guys I see doing that, they just stop learning after they get the pickup and seduction stuff down. Then the casual dating, they don’t go beyond that because let’s be honest, we’re all lazy. Everybody wants the lazy man’s way to sex and relationships and wealth and not really having to do too much for it. Relationships take work. They take a different skill set than you’re going to need to use when you’re picking up a woman and starting to date her. You use indifference in the in the beginning.

As I discuss in the book, in other words, you’re indifferent to when she calls back because women, especially in the initial stages, they’re testing guys. There’s so many needy, clingy dudes out there. Women will commonly say, “Hey, I’ll call you tonight,” or “I’ll call you tomorrow,” and then they don’t, and you’re going to be totally indifferent to that because that’s to be expected, because that’s the way it is. When they see that you’re not bothered by that, it actually is attractive to them because most of the other guys they are talking to are needy, clingy, blowing their phone up and getting upset with them, but you’re totally indifferent to that.

When you’re in a relationship with somebody for two years, you’re not going to be totally indifferent to what she’s doing, who she’s with, where she’s at. When you’re casually dating, you’re not going to know a lot about the girl, but when you’ve been together for a while and you’re in a serious relationship, you’re going to meet her parents, her family, her brothers or sisters, her friends. When she comes home from work, she’s going to tell you about all the things that are happening at the office, with her girlfriends or something going on with her mom, her sister, her best friend or whatever, and she’s going to give you the 401 on everybody whether you want to hear it or not, because that’s just the way women are, and you need to listen and you need to pay attention. It kind of looks like this guy, when his girl would start sharing things with him, it’s just going in one ear and out the other. He pretends to listen. He doesn’t really know what’s going on and there’s no closeness and intimacy at all, and she was just monkey-branching from him to another guy having another affair and he was shocked.

When I read something like that, it’s just so foreign to me, because when you get into a real, true, serious, long-term monogamous relationship, she’s going to be at your house either every night or you’re going to be at her house every night. You’re together on the weekends, you sleep together, you shower together, you travel together, you break bread together. You spend time with friends, with family. I mean, you become a family unit. She’s supposed to be the closest person to you in the world at that point just because you spend so much time together. Like I said, referring to the guy who was in or had a girlfriend of three years, yet he only sees her on the weekends. It’s just like a booty call. He’s never met her kids and she doesn’t want him meeting her kids. That’s not a relationship. That’s not closeness, intimacy and being a teammate. That’s just having a weekly booty call with somebody that lives an hour away.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

A lot of the time you spread the message, “Don’t get to attached and be indifferent,” but where do you draw the line?

Well again, this is why I say you gotta read the book 10 to 15 times. If you’re here just cherry-picking because again, all of us are lazy, we want the easy shortcut to success, the reality is, especially with this stuff, there’s no shortcuts to success. So you’re taking things that really apply to when you’re dating and you’re just getting to know somebody you don’t know who there might be an ex in the background. She may have two other guys she’s talking to. You really don’t know. So the idea is that you could take it or leave it, because she hasn’t really done anything to demonstrate that she warrants all your time and all your attention and exclusivity.

Exclusivity is something that the woman is supposed to earn. It’s her job to basically convince you why you should agree to be exclusive, and if you do agree to be exclusive, then there’s going to be a discussion about boundaries. It’s like common sense, what’s expected? Well, you’re not going to expect your girlfriend or your wife to go out and have dinner at 9:00 at night with her boss, or the single guy from the office that’s trying to get in her pants. You’re not going to condone that. A woman who’s loyal and family-oriented is just never going to put herself in a position to do those kinds of things, but if you’re dating a girl and there’s lots of dudes around, she has lots of male friends, she hangs out with guys one-on-one, and she’s wanting you to be exclusive and be her boyfriend, obviously common sense.

I mean, it shouldn’t have to be spoken, but common sense would dictate that, “Well, if you want me to be exclusive with you, we got to talk about these other men in your life that you hang out with one-on-one, because I’m not going to commit to a woman who thinks it’s OK to go clubbing with a dude at 3 a.m., or go hang out with her boss and go to dinner one-on-one with him at 8:00 when he’s married and got kids at home. That’s inappropriate. That looks like a date.” That should be common sense, but unfortunately, common sense is not too common.

If you don’t care where your girl is or what she’s doing when she’s not with you…

Again, if this is your girlfriend, I don’t know where you get that from. I never said anything like that. If you’re just casually dating, you just met, like it’s really none of your business. You’re not committed to her. She’s not committed to you. Again, these are pickup and dating skills. They don’t really apply so much to a relationship other than if she’s moody, she’s in a good mood, she’s in a bad mood, or she wakes up kind of cranky. You’re going to be indifferent to it. Doesn’t mean you’re going to ignore it. It just means indifference is you’re not going to be affected. In other words, her mood changes, her attitude is not going to affect how you show up, because you’ve decided ahead of time that you’re going to be happy and you want to have a good time. If she shows up and she’s being kind of cranky, you’re going to tease her about it a little bit, bust her on it a little bit and call her out on it because again, you want to have a good time and your life is a drama-free zone.

So I don’t know where you got that you think I would say that it’s totally OK with you don’t care who your girl is with or what she’s doing. I don’t know where you got that from. That’s just taking things to the extreme. Again, that’s the kind of mindset of somebody that’s a cherry-picker, being lazy and not really learning the book.

…She could or most likely is playing around with other guys.

Well again, why are you exclusive with her? Again, if she’s really in love with you, she’s the one convincing you to be exclusive. If you have a real, true, intimate relationship like I talk about in the book, she’s always with you, she’s stuck to you like a sucker-fish, if you’re seeing her once a week or maybe twice a week, then it’s kind of really just a glorified booty call. There’s no closeness, there’s no intimacy. Even if you both have kids and you guys are serious, you’re going to be doing sleepovers, you’re going to be at her house, she’s going to be your house, and you’re going to be blending your families together.

I mean, it’s normal, common sense. That’s how normal human beings do it in the real world. If everybody’s at arm’s length and they got their separate places and you only see each other once or twice a week, well that’s not really a true, serious, intimate relationship. I mean, I went into detail in the book on what that looks like, but again, if you don’t read the book or you didn’t really bother paying attention to those things, then you’re just going to completely miss the point, and then you’re going to miss something that really applies to pickup and dating but doesn’t really apply so much in a relationship. Or at least, the way he’s applying it.

Do we just accept this a part of the parcel?

Again, if you’ve agreed to be exclusive, it should be pretty obvious that she demonstrated characteristics of being loyal. In other words, she keeps her word. She’s nice to you. She does what she says she’s going to do. She’s not hanging out one-on-one. She not one of those girls that has zero female friends and all of her friends are guy friends, and she expects when you’re in a relationship with her to be able to go out, have drinks and meet those guys one-on-one for dinner. I mean, nobody with any common sense is going to think, “Oh, that’s a good idea.”

Again, if a woman wants to behave that way and that’s how she lives her life, that’s not somebody you should entertain being exclusive with anyways, even if they ask. If they do ask, you’re like, “Well, you I’m not going to be exclusive with you if you basically want to hang out with all these single dudes that you used to date or that are trying to get in your pants. No guy wants to do that. That just looks like you got a rotation of men going in your life, and I’m not going to be your side piece or one of your rotation guys. We can be friends with benefits, sex playmates, fuck buddies,” but you’re not going to be exclusive with somebody that doesn’t demonstrate beforehand that they’re worthy of it. She loves her dad. She comes from a good family. She’s family-oriented. She wants to do family-oriented things.

We just don’t care if they cheat as long as we don’t see it?

The reason I ask is I let my girl go off and do as she liked while I went and done my thing (Fishing, I may add ). I had a planned meet up with her but turned up early to make a nice surprise for her, but on arrival I found her with another guy. So wasn’t as planned.

Well, that just tells me you didn’t really know her that well and it was more or less like a booty call. You had no idea what she was doing, who she’s at, where she’s with. Again, if you have a close, intimate relationship, your girlfriend is always going to be calling you, always going to be texting you, always going to be telling you what she’s doing, where she’s at, who she’s with, where she’s going, and when she’s coming over to you, because they tell you everything that’s going on in her life. If you’re dating a woman that’s very quiet and secretive and you have no idea what she’s doing, where she’s at, who she’s with, you don’t know her friends, you don’t know her family. You’re not in a serious relationship. That’s a booty call. Maybe you agreed to be exclusive, but that’s not the same thing as having a mature adult relationship and being exclusive.

Again, if you’re dating somebody and you don’t know anybody and you’ve been dating two or three months and she’s in love and she’s wanting to be exclusive with you, but you see her once a week, you don’t know her friends, you don’t know her family, she doesn’t tell you about any of these people, you don’t know what she’s doing or where she’s at, I mean, when you’re in an intimate relationship, normally women just voluntarily will share their location with you on their cell phone because they want you to know where they always are because it’s a safety thing. If she doesn’t trust you enough and love you enough in an intimate relationship to voluntarily say, “Hey, let’s share our location so you always know where I am and I know where you are,” because again, she’s a girl. Women do that with their girl friends, just so they have other people that know where they’re at just because again, that’s a safety thing. If you’re not her rock and you’re not her mountain, that stuff’s not going to happen with you.

So you clearly made the mistake of mixing up a booty call with a girlfriend, and it sounds like maybe you agreed to be sexually exclusive. Other than that, there was no real intimacy, no real closeness, and for the most part, she was a stranger to you and you were a stranger to her. That’s not the kind of relationships that I describe in the book, but again, just the way you talk, it doesn’t sound like you ever cracked it and you don’t even know what’s in it. It’s like the skills that I teach on dating, pickup and seduction, they’re going to help you get laid, meet women, date and have a full social life, but if you want to have a real healthy relationship, you gotta understand all the skills, you got to understand pickup skills, you got to understand dating skills, and you got to understand relationship skills. If you neglect the relationship skills, you’re going to get burned.

That’s what indifferent does, gives them space to cheat, LOL.

It’s like, no, you did that because again, you didn’t set and enforce healthy boundaries and you really didn’t have a deep, close, intimate relationship. You agreed to be exclusive with somebody that, quite frankly, doesn’t look like they earned it and you had no idea what she was doing, who she was with, where she was at, who is in her social group.

Again, when you have a close relationship, she wants everybody to know who you are. She wants everybody to meet you. She wants to show you off to the world because she’s so happy, so in love, and so proud to have you as her man, and if she doesn’t feel that way about you and doesn’t want to do those things, then guess what? You’re not really that important to her. That’s just a fact of life.

Obviously, I walked away to never see her again. I’m hurt she’s still got a guy and now I’m starting over with trust issues for my future partner. 

Bob

Well, you got to vet for character. Like I said, that doesn’t really look like you had a serious, monogamous relationship. It just looks like you were exclusive, or at least you thought you were exclusive with your booty call, but she clearly was acting like a free agent. You had no idea what was really on her mind, what she was doing. Probably because even when she was telling you what was going on in her life, you weren’t really listening because you didn’t care. If you date a woman and you’re indifferent to her, and you get into a relationship and she realizes you don’t really give a shit one way or another, eventually she will leave you. It’s just like having girls in a rotation. If they want something serious long-term, they’re not going to be a rotation girl forever, and they’re going to dip and disappear when they realize that you guys are never going to get exclusive.

So my suggestion is, always take what I say seriously. Read the book 10 to 15 times, get to know it so well you could teach a class on it. Your mindset, the way you talk about indifference, again, it just looks like you learned enough to get laid and get a booty call that you agreed to be exclusive with, but she was never really your girlfriend. She was just a girl that you happened to be fucking and who you later found out clearly she was fucking somebody else on the side, because probably the way you treated her, she felt like she was single and you were just an occasional booty call and she probably got serious with the other guy because he took the time to listen to her, to open her up, to actually take a sincere, authentic interest in who she was, who is in her life and get to know everything about her.

Again, when a woman is in love and happy, she’s stuck to you like a sucker-fish, she pulls you into her world, she wants you to know everyone and everything, everybody that’s important to her that’s a part of her life, because she’s going to want to share that with you and vice versa. She’s going to want to get to know your family, your friends and do special things for you, whether it’s birthday, Christmas or the holidays. It’s a big difference. There’s a huge difference between a booty call and a relationship. It’s a night and day difference.

So if you’re new here and you haven’t read 3% Man yet, it’s free to read in the Members Area of my website. Just put your name, your email address and create a password and it’ll open up right in your web browser. You have no reason not to learn this material. Don’t just learn the pickup and seduction stuff and totally disregard the relationship stuff that’s in the book. It’s like you need all of them. If you’re wanting a long-term, exclusive relationship, don’t be like this guy. He was flying blind and throwing darts in a blizzard. He had no idea what was going on. He got totally bamboozled. He clearly didn’t vet her for character. He agreed to be exclusive and he had no idea what the hell was going on until it was too late. I mean, it’s pretty obvious she was of low character anyways, so it doesn’t matter, it wasn’t going to work long-term. It’s better that you found out now that she was like this, versus if you went and did something stupid, like put a ring on her finger, get married and involve the government in his relationship.

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