I Tried Being Her Therapist & She Went Back To Her Ex. What Now?

Why being her therapist turns women off & what to do instead to avoid friend zone.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 19 year old viewer who has been following my work for about 3 years. He knows a girl from school he likes, but he hesitated so she got serious with another guy. When she became single recently, he tried being her therapist, she said he was a great guy and then went back to her ex. He asks what he should do now. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “I Tried Being Her Therapist & She Went Back To Her Ex. What Now?”

Well, I think probably most guys watching this video at some point in their life have probably done exactly what this guy did. He’s young, he’s 19. I guess he’s just graduated high school. He’s going to college in the fall or in a few months. And so there’s a girl that he met in school, I guess about a year ago, or knew of her.

Started talking to her, but she was also talking to some other guy. And then that guy was just a little more aggressive. He ends up dating her. And then I guess, apparently they broke up recently and he did what would make logical sense. She’s obviously upset because her ex boyfriend, she saw him talking to another girl, so she’s crying. All the girls are going over to console her. He decides to go console her.

And then he goes and hangs out, I guess, at a cafe with her and decides to be her therapist. Opens her up, gives her advice. He’s trying to be there for thinking, hey, if she sees what a nice guy I am, she’ll want to sleep with me. But instead of turning that cafe into an all day date and hanging out, having fun and hooking up, he’s thinking he’s got to be there for him, be respectful and all this stuff instead of just being an escape.

Her ex is talking to another girl. She’s upset about it, and what he should have done is be the escape from the fact that her ex was talking to somebody else. Keep her laughing. Keep her joking. Have a good time. Take her to a couple different places and next thing you know, later that night you’re bumping uglies at your place. But he doesn’t do that. And so she ends up dating her guys, getting back together with the ex. And this guy’s got a second case or a third case of blue balls with this particular girl, but he’s like, hey, we’re going to the same college next year.

It probably won’t work out with the other guy, which it’s true, it probably won’t, because if it didn’t work out the first time, it’s probably not going to work out the second or third time. And he’s thinking, I’ll get my chance. And so this is what you want to avoid doing. And it’s instinctual because this guy’s, we’re good dudes. We want to take care of people. We want to help people. We want to be be there for them. Hey, what are you doing to your little freak? I got the three little puppies are underneath me. They’re being mischievous.

So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

Hope you’re having a great day. I’m a paying member on YouTube.

So he’s talking about the Premium Membership, the exclusive Members Only Content. So if you haven’t already signed up as a paying Member in the video description of this video, there are links that you can join on YouTube, or you can join on Spotify or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there. And so with our website, you can do a seven day free trial so you can check out what content, extra content you get for your money. And if you choose an annual plan, you get a 25% discount at the end of the seven day free trial for paying the whole year’s premium upfront.

And so what I would say, because I’ve had several people ask me. One thing we’ve noticed with the YouTube exclusive Members Only Content, if you’re because a lot of people I see, like 70% of the people tend to watch on a mobile device. So if your screen goes to sleep and you’re watching a premium video, it will stop playing. So ideally, if you’re going to consume the content on YouTube, it’s great for watching it on your computer or your TV. If you’re actually going to watch the video, if you’re driving or your screen is going to go to sleep and you just want to listen to the audio, Spotify is going to give you the best user experience for that.

And when you’re sitting down in front of your computer, desktop/laptop, and you really take the time to be a serious student and study this stuff, the website is great because obviously you get the Email Analysis that goes along with the Video Newsletter that I’m talking about. Plus, the books are on the website, and so the website is great for that to really sit down and look at the books, because obviously 3% Man & Mastering Yourself and my first quotes book are free to read for all members, all free members. And then obviously the premium members get access to all the additional exclusive premium Members Only Content.

The live stream replays where we answer your real questions, typically on Thursdays and Fridays. Sometimes we do Wednesday live streams. Right now we’re doing like Thursday and Friday live stream. Thursday live stream is 2 to 4 Eastern Standard Time and Friday 1 to 3 Eastern Standard Time. Same time zone as Miami and New York. So again, if you haven’t signed up already, the links are in the video description of this video to sign up. It’d be great if you signed up on all three platforms, because each of them gives you different things.

Or if you’re just an audio guy, you just want to listen to the audio. Probably Spotify is your best bet. Youtube is great for just watching videos. Then obviously everything’s on my website. Plus the books are there. So when you when you got time to really take this serious and study it, the website is going to give you the best experience with the most stuff on it. So with that said, let’s get back to and to the viewer who wrote in, thanks for being a paying Premium Member. That’s how we keep the lights on.

I’m starting college next term, just finishing high school. I’m 19 years old and I’ve been following you for the past three years. I read your book 7 times.

Well, if you read the book seven times, you have followed me for three years, you could have read it more. Because you can get if you put the audiobook on like 2X and then you follow along in a digital or physical copy. Say you’re logged in to the website and you got a premium account. You can listen to the audiobook while you watch the words being spoken with the book. That’s the best way to really concentrate on it. And if it’s on the audiobooks on 2X, then you can get through it in like four hours. So seven times in three years he could have done better. And that’s kind of part of his problem. He didn’t really study it and learn it. I don’t know how often he’s been actually applying it. But when we again, as we get further into his email and you see how he’s applied himself, he’s kind of acted like the therapist, the gay male girlfriend, the white knight, Mr. Nice Guy. It just does not work.

I read your book 7 times, always trying to incorporate things in my life. (I also read books by Tony Robbins, Zan Perrion, Wayne Dyer, David Deida.

And if you guys want to see like get access to the books that I recommend, especially in my genre, then on my website, UnderstandingRelationships.com, just click the “products” tab and like recommended products and it gives you all a list of all the books, juicers that I use. There’s like 3 or 4 different juicers anywhere from like $450 all the way up to like $1,700, $1,800. If you’re going to go full boat and get the Super Angel. My Super Angel juicer I’ve had it for 15 years, and I think I paid $1,600, $1,700 for it back in the day. And I ever since the last 15 years, I’ve been making two to 4 to 5 gallons a week because obviously people who work here and work for me use it as well. And I mean things a champ. It lasted forever. So all those recommended products are on my website as well under the recommended products tab.

Watched the movies you mentioned like The Cinderella Man, Tailor of Panama, It’s a Wonderful Life, Cary Grant movies.

That would be Charade, Philadelphia Story. He was just great at deadpan humor. Where he would deliver a line and he’s got like a slightly irritated look on his face, but he’s just goofing on the girl and teasing her. And because of the look on his face and the way he says it with a deadpan look. They think he’s kind of serious, but what he said is so absurd he can’t really be serious. And so he was great at that, especially charade.

A lot of James Bond movies. I became enamored with the movies of the 60s and 70s and I feel that I’m now free of the Hollywood programming.

Well, what you observe, you participate in. And obviously, having read your email, I would say you’re not completely free of the Hollywood programming.

My favorite actor is Steve McQueen and I’m acquainted with all these great people just by your citations. So you’re much appreciated.)

So there’s a great documentary that was probably ten years ago, eight years ago. It’s called I Am Steve McQueen. You really should watch that. Him or it’s his life story. I mean, he died in 1980, a long time ago. But his widows, women, he dated women. They knew him. Even women. He wasn’t very nice to like his first wife, Nellie. He was an asshole to her. But it’s like all these decades later, they still love him. Just the way they talk about him and gush about him. He’s like he was a man’s man. So I highly recommend I am Steve McQueen. I would definitely check that out. And you should buy a copy. Probably watch it a few more times. One of my favorite Steve McQueen quotes “I live for myself and I answer to nobody.” Love that.

I originally started following you for trying to save a failing relationship that eventually ended. I did No Contact, she came back, we hung out, resolved the past hurts and hooked up but I didn’t want to get back in that relationship because she had monkey branched right after our breakup.

Well, most decently attractive women do that.

Though we still act loving toward each other and she calls me her first love. She told me she’ll never forget about me so thanks for that Coach! Currently I’m struggling in another situation. I like a girl who still loves her ex. She knows I like her, and she is hot and cold. I match and mirror her actions, but she probably isn’t ready for a new relationship.

Again, you shouldn’t be focused on a relationship. You haven’t even had a first date yet. That’s part of your problem. Your mindset is totally in the wrong place. Again, this is why I say you got to read the book 10 to 15 times so you can absorb this stuff. You absorb a new way of thinking. You absorb the mindset that I put out, even though you’ve been through it seven times in three years, that’s really not enough. That’s like twice a year. So you never really took the time to learn the material. You’ve probably been more of a cherry picker and half-assed in it a little bit. Because again, after three years, just seeing the way you behave, you really got to practice this stuff if you want to get better.

And most likely I can’t accept the reality as it is.

I’d say that’s true.

Here’s the whole story. We are in the same class. Me, her and her ex. Last year I used to like her, she seemed interested in me but I wasn’t sure about her feelings and didn’t ask her out.

If you hesitate, you will masturbate. You should have pulled the trigger.

Her now-ex started to over pursue her.

Well, at least in your mind he was over pursuing her, but at least he went after her. Whereas you were timid and shy, trying to figure out whether or not she liked you. And then you watched some other guys step in and just take her away. I saw that happen a lot when I was your age, too. I’m not. So I know what it looks like and feels like. I’ve been there, done that, got the t shirt many times when I didn’t know any better.

Started to insert himself in her life, always sitting next to her and giving her part of his lunch. By that time I became disinterested because she was giving attention to other people.

Again, it’s like in your mind you had some kind of a relationship with her, but in reality she probably thought you just didn’t have the balls to go for it. And so women like confidence. And so the other guy was confident, even though you may have thought he over pursued, he was shooting his shot while you were sitting there trying to hide your interest and act like you were not interested.

During the summer break they started dating and by September when the school opened everyone was shocked that she was dating him.

I’d say he was the one that was most shocked. Women like confidence. The guy went for it and that’s the way he got her.

They dated for 6 months and broke up. 3 months after that I was into her again, just for a week when Friday came and during a rooftop party with all the senior students, she started to cry with pain visible on her face. She was crying because her ex was talking to another girl at the party.

So this is where he reverts to Mr. White Knight, because again, he’s seen too many movies. He’s you. I mean, if you think about it, you. You’ve been for me for three years. You only read the book seven times. You spent way more time watching movies and TV shows that present a false, dysfunctional archetype. Whatever you observe, you participate in. So you’re consuming more Hollywood content than you are stuff that rewires your brain, i.e. my book. So that’s why you’re just not free of it, dude. Like in his mind, he’s already won the race. He’s already spent enough time with the book. He knows it all. But again, we look at how he’s behaving. Grant, he’s a young guy. It doesn’t matter whether he’s 19 or 59. I mean, guys do the same things that don’t know any better.

Without knowing why she was crying I felt empathy for her. All the girls tried to comfort her.

[Smacks dog behind camera] Stop it. Chewing my books. What the hell. God damn. Bad dog. Gotta give him a little bop.

She was crying because her ex was talking to another girl at the party. Without knowing why she was crying I felt empathy for her. All the girls tried to comfort her. At the end of the party where our group of friends were about to split up and everybody was hugging each other. Everybody tried to console her again and I told her that maybe I could try to understand her if she’d like to.

Bro. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out. Have fun. hook up. I hear crunching things, so I gotta watch them. Them being puppies. It’s like just those little seconds. Little Elon just chewed the corner of one of my hardcover books up a little bit. Little shit. So this is a bad way to go, dude. You’re not there to be her therapist or her gay male girlfriend, or to try to comfort her and be Mr. Nice Guy. You have interest in her. You want to beat up her pelvis. So create an opportunity for sex to have him. If she’s having is all bummed out, then your job is to take her and be the escape and go have a good time with her so she can forget about the fact that she saw her boyfriend talking to another girl.

When we hugged, she started to cry again and hold me tightly.

I would have just said, hey, let’s get out of here and go have some fun. Take your mind off things.

I caressed her hair. Next day after a friend group meeting, I asked her if she’d like my help and we started talking one on one.

Again. Instead of creating a date, he’s like, let me try to be your friend. And her buddy and her pal and her therapist and her gay male girlfriend and her an emotional tampon. These are things that you should know better than to do, but you’re doing them anyways.

We discussed her emotions; she became very open at some point. I felt I was helpful, and the conversation was flowing.

In other words, he was looking for an attaboy.

I told her I liked her the year before while I was trying to explain to her how she can seem to be cold sometimes, trying to relate to her ex. I know, trying to be her psychiatrist is a bad way to go but that day I just felt that I really should tend to her emotionally.

Well. How’s the blue balls feel, buddy?

We were sitting outside till then we went to a cafe afterwards.

Which is what you should just get out and go have a drink. Let’s go have a cup of coffee and shoot the shit. Have some fun. Get your mind off things.

We started talking about relationships in general and about some funny memories and she was asking me a lot of questions too. We almost never broke eye contact. We were having such a fun time, she was constantly making jokes. I felt that my heart was free.

It’s just too happy to be there.

And that I didn’t need to hold back anything. I felt an incredible connection with her.

So notice he’s all wrapped up in his emotions and his feelings and how much he likes her. Book went right out the window. All she had to do was say hello, and the book went.

Like while the conversation was going on I felt as if we were separated from our surroundings.

This is what happens when you watch too many movies. You’re creating a Disney movie all in your head.

When she asked me why I was doing this for her I told her that she was an attractive person and that I liked being around attractive people.

I would have just said, because you’re kind of cute and I like hanging out with you.

Later she pushed me on that, asking what I meant by that. 

Because she knew your answer was bullshit. What you were doing is you again were hiding your interest. I just like being around attractive people. Who says that?

I felt she wanted me to say I liked her, so I told her that I’ve been attracted to her this past week but that I didn’t want to confuse her further as at that point she had already admitted that she still had feelings for her ex.

I don’t want to confuse her further. I want to be a nice guy. I want to put my needs last. I act like a beta male. Dude, this is not what the book teaches at all. It tells you not to do this and you’re doing it anyways. And he even knows he’s doing it. Well, I felt it was the right thing to do because I really liked her. And I’m all up in my emotions and feelings. Yeah. Women don’t care how much you like them. They don’t care about your feelings. They only care about how they feel about you and you’re hiding your interest. She’s even trying to prod you to to get you to reveal it and shoot your shot. But instead you’re just kind of wilting and folding like a cheap deck chair.

While we were separating, she told me, “This day meant a lot for me, you’re a great guy!”

Thanks for drawing my pussy up. Now I’m going to go fuck my ex-boyfriend. No, she didn’t say that, but she might as well.

After 4 or 5 days (we had an unexpected school break) I asked her out on a date on the phone. She seemed focused on her studies and told me that she wouldn’t have spare time for me.

She’s just basically saying, yeah, the other day with you being my therapist. You’re like typical gay male girlfriend. You dry me up and I want a man who makes me cum like a waterfall.

Maybe she thought I was trying to enforce herself in a new relationship.

Again, you’re focused on a relationship. It’s like, bro, all you have to do is make a date. It should have been a date. But you didn’t shoot your shot. You hesitated. You waited. If you hesitate, you’ll masturbate. That’s what I mean.

But I was trying to get together again and see how things would go again as I felt a sincere connection.

Well, you should have done something when you had the opportunity when the iron was hot, while you were consoling her over her ex-boyfriend talking to another girl. You could have taken her back for some rebound sex. You could even joked around. She’s like, what are you thinking? It’s like, well, I mean, I know you’re having a tough time and everything, but if you play your cards right, you know, I might even be willing to hook you up with some rebound sex.

When the school opened, she avoided me for a week then got very close to me the other week and after that got avoidant again.

So here’s a guy who probably read all about attachment theory. Now he’s blaming her behavior on her attachment issues. It avoids turning inward and avoids admitting that you fucked up.

I focused on myself and my studies as I had many exams. Sometimes she laughs even at my stupid jokes and other times she looks the other way while passing by. This Monday we had our graduation where each class was walking to the stage in groups of two. She and her ex were already set as a group before their breakup. Even if they avoid each other normally I could see that they were still in love while they were walking and sitting next to each other in the ceremony. I didn’t feel jealous. I would’ve just like to verify that she felt the same authentic connection I thought I had with her.

Dude it was all in your head. You were so focused on your feelings and how much you liked her, you were completely ignoring the situation. And so you hid your feelings. You hid your interest. You weren’t truthful with her. And so she left after giving you multiple opportunities to reveal what your real intention was to go back and fuck the ex-boyfriend, because at least he acted like a man and went for it.

I know that I’m a better guy, but she’s more emotionally invested in him. I can’t dismiss from my mind the future possibility of us hanging out again as we’re going to the same city and same university in a foreign country (Italy). I’m practicing infinite patience but also wondering if I’m handling the situation in the right way.

Again, your job is just to create an opportunity for sex to happen Dude. Not get into a relationship with a girl. It’s in the process of breaking up with their boyfriend, which is what it looks like you did. So that’s a bad way to go, my friend. Again, this is not what I teach in my book and you’re doing the opposite of it.

Today I saw her and her ex solemnly walking out the school together, probably to try to finally work things out. Your take on the subject would be greatly appreciated 

Thanks,

Bob 

Well, I mean, if you to just. I mean, you had her alone, you could have listened to her and you said, hey, let’s get out of here and go shoot some miniature golf, or let’s go play some pool, or let’s go do something fun together. Hang out. Have fun. Hook up. The signs are there. She’s ready to be touched. Ready to be kissed. Ready to be seduced. You make a move. But instead you were trying to be your therapist. So what are you doing? You’re just rehashing all of her negative feelings about the ex and whatever. You make a woman feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you. So you hid your interest. Tried to be the therapist, the gay male girlfriend. And so you’re you stuck yourself firmly in friend zone.

So again, this is why I say read the book 10 to 15 times, and then maybe every six months after that, you should reread it. It looks like you’ve only been since you’ve been following me you read the book once every six months. That’s just not, it’s not working for you. I mean, you’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches. So if you see her, you hear from her. She wants to come talk to you. If she’s not seeing the guy anymore. Just make a date on the spot. I mean, you could have started it. You could have had a date, an instant date with her. But instead you thought, oh, I don’t want to confuse her anymore.

And then what happened was a few days went by and then you thought, oh, shit, I should shoot my shot. And then you called her or texted her later to make a date. And by then the moment had passed, you had turned her off. And she said, I’m not really looking for a relationship. I don’t have the time to date. Because, again, you were just you thought, she’s going to go from being broken up with this guy to now your girlfriend. That’s not how it works, dude. There is a process and you must take women through it. Unless you like the blue balls.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.