I Used The Takeaway When She Suggested Brunch or Lunch & Never Heard Back

What it means when you use the takeaway after she suggests brunch or lunch & no response.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 32-year-old viewer who has been following my work for seven years. He had two good dates and tried to setup a third date at his house to make dinner together. She suggested brunch or lunch and he did the takeaway asking for a time she was free without work pressures in the evening.

It’s been five days and he hasn’t heard back from her. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

In this particular email, this guy is 32. He says he’s been following my work for seven years. He had two good dates with this woman that he met, and then he tried to set up a third date at his house to make dinner together. So she suggested brunch or lunch, typically because this woman he’s dating is actually a little older, she’s 41, PhD cancer research scientist, works at a university. He sent some pictures. She’s pretty hot.

She doesn’t look her age, but we have to understand that she’s been around the block a few times, and she was married for 10 years and then got divorced about two years ago. So I guess she probably got married when she was like 29, I guess, then divorced at 39 and now she’s 41. So he had two good dates and he tries to set the third one up to invite her over to make dinner together. Now typically, if I’m going to invite a girl over for dinner, it’s because she’s already been over, we’ve already hooked up, but when you haven’t done that and all you’ve done is kissed and you’ve met in public, and then you invite a girl over for dinner, especially if she’s 41, she knows what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “I’ll invite her over for dinner. We’ll make dinner. We’ll hook up. She’s going to come to my place.” That’s what he’s thinking. So that tells me that he’s trying to advance things a little faster than she’s ready for, and she assumes that he’s probably just trying to get in her pants. That’s why she suggests brunch or lunch. So he does a takeaway and now it’s been five days and he hasn’t heard anything from her.

So let’s go through his email and see what we can see.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I’ve been following your work for seven years, and it’s been life-changing. I’m 32 years old, and your advice has improved every area of my life—friends, family, work, and relationships. Recently, I started dating a woman I met on a dating app.

She’s 41, a cancer research scientist with a Ph.D. who works at a university—basically a doctor.

I would say a research scientist, maybe? But I think that would be more what she qualifies for. Not a medical doctor, but a medical research doctor, I guess. Then again, she’s doing cancer research. I assume she’s probably working with patients.

She’s highly qualified and impressive.

She was married for 10 years, and her divorce was finalized two years ago. For my part, I’ve worked at a three Michelin-star restaurant ranked ninth in the world, so I’m successful in my own field.

Our first date went great, and I went for the kiss at the end. On the second date, we went to the zoo, a coffee shop and a theater.

That sounds like you took her to the movies. I wouldn’t have done that. You’ve been following me for seven years. Taking a girl to the movies for your second date when you haven’t hooked up and you’re not boyfriend/girlfriend, that’s a mistake. If you’re 32 taking a 41-year-old woman to the zoo, a coffee shop and a theater, that’s probably not something I wouldn’t have done.

After all the talking, things got more intimate.

Remember the whole point of 3% Man is to create the conditions where the woman is doing all the the calling, the texting, the pursuing, the contact initiation, but they don’t just automatically do that. It’s a slow process. They have to feel safe and comfortable enough. You have to reciprocate. The reality is women do this innately and naturally, but it’s a process. So it’s always better if you let them initiate contact.

Notice what he says next.

I initiated most of the touch, but she reciprocated—Holding my hand and letting me warm my hand on her thighs.

So does that sound like a guy who is used to getting what he wants, or does it sound like a guy that’s pedestalizing her a little bit? “Oh, she let me hold her hand. Oh, she let me put my hand on her inner thighs.” That’s kind of the approval seeking mindset. It’s subtle, but the fact that he’s doing the pursuing, he’s doing the chasing, he’s doing all the touching, he’s not letting her come to him, there’s nothing mysterious about that, and it’s obvious. It also is not what the book teaches.

We made out that night, and she texted me afterward to say she had a really nice time. I told her I felt the same.

If the girl’s got super high interest, it’s OK, but the idea is we’re trying to get this guy’s game as tight as possible with as few mistakes as possible, because if the girl is really into you and her interest is a seven or eight on a scale of one to 10, it’s not a big deal. If it’s only like a five or a six and you’re doing this, it could be enough to cause her to just go, “Yeah, I don’t want to go out with this guy again.” So we’re trying to stack the deck in the guy’s favor so he gets what he wants, and obviously she gets what she wants.

Three days later, she messaged asking how I was.

Well, that’s a good sign. She initiated contact.

I sent her a gym pic, and she replied with a cozy pic of herself.

I wouldn’t be doing these things. I would just be like, “Hey, it’s awesome to hear from you. I’d love to see you. What’s your schedule like?” Or, “Hey, I want to see you again. What’s your schedule like?” But sending pictures back and forth? Again, you haven’t slept together. It’s OK when you’ve been dating for a while, but you still haven’t laid the pipe. Just a little bit of kissing and petting. It’s just, I personally would not do that.

I told her she looked cozy and would be cozier in my arms, and she agreed. She even asked for a picture we’d taken on our second date, which I sent her. Everything seemed like high interest, so I asked when she was free, suggesting we make dinner together for the third date.

Again, I wouldn’t have suggested making dinner on the third date when you guys haven’t slept together and she hasn’t been to your house yet. It’s kind of out of sequence. He’s thinking, “Oh, she’s got high interest. Now I can lay the pipe.” She’s 41. She’s not 21. She’s 41, and she was married for 10 years. This ain’t her first rodeo. You’re dealing with an experienced woman, especially one that’s almost 10 years older.

She said she’d let me know the next day. I called her right away, saying it’s probably best to discuss on the phone.

Huh? So what does that sound like? A little bit of neediness, a little bit of, “Oh my God, we better talk on the phone. I don’t want to screw this up. I may lose her.” So who sounds like they’ve got the power? Who’s more into who? He sounds like he’s way more into her than she’s into him, and he’s just kind of overdoing it. This is just sloppy. Especially for a guy who’s been following me for seven years. He should know better by now.

The only reason he wanted to talk on the phone is because he’s worried that she was going to say no, because he could tell that he’s more into her than she’s into him. So he’s trying to force things. A 41-year-old woman, she can sniff this shit out, dude.

We joked around, I made her laugh, and we talked for about five minutes. I ended the call by saying, “Alright, let me know when you’re free, and goodnight!”

Huh? The phone is for setting dates. What was the point of the phone call, bro? Come on man, you can do better than this. Seven years and you sound like a guy that just found my book last week, bro. Come on, man.

Two days later, she finally texted:

“Hi Bob, I can do a brunch or lunch date on Sunday. In the afternoon, I have to go to work. I took the day off today, and now there is more I need to get done on Sunday. Does that work for you?”

So brunch or lunch, no hanky-panky is going to be happening on the third date. That’s what she’s saying. She can already tell he’s a little fearful. He’s got this girl pedestalized a little bit. Again, a guy who’s been falling for seven years should be a lot smoother than this.

I wanted something more intimate for our third date, so I used the takeaway, replying:

“Hey! Ah gotcha, well it sounds like you’ve got a lot on your plate. Maybe we should plan for some other night when you’re free so we can enjoy the evening without work pressures. Let me know when that could be, and I’ll make time for it.”

It’s been five days, and she hasn’t replied.

Yeah, so after the second date, it’s just kind of going sideways. You’re trying to be smooth, dude.

That’s unusual, as she would normally respond quickly.

Well, that tells me that your actions and your words turned her off instead of turning her on. She knew what you were trying to do by getting her to come over.

Could this be a sign she lost interest, her ex came back, or I’m just not a priority?

Well, what it’s definitely a sign of is you’re way more into this girl than she’s into you, and you don’t even notice. Like you literally had no clue. The fact that she texts you and you’re like, “Oh hey, we need to do this over the phone,” and then he like jokes around, makes her laugh and then he gets off the phone telling her to get in touch. She waits two whole days and then says, “I can do brunch or lunch.” It shows her interest is going down instead of up. She’s not being flexible and submissive. She’s being a little difficult because her interest is dropped. She still would like to see him, but she’s not as keen on him as it seemed to be at the end of the second date.

It feels odd for someone as professional as her to ghost me, but that seems to be the case.

Well, this is why you always want to underrate her interest in you, not overrate it, and it’s pretty clear you’re way more into this girl than she’s into you and you didn’t even notice it. Like sailed right over your head. You had no clue that was going on, and the fact that you acted a little needy, a little desperate with that phone call, the phone is for setting dates. So why don’t you set the date on the phone instead of just saying, “Oh yeah, get in touch with me later?” It’s like, what’s the point of that?

Still, I will NOT send another message—she has to throw the tennis ball back.

Well, this is true.

But it’s weird because her interest seemed high…

Well, you probably talked her out of liking you.

…Even asking for our picture and reaching out, then poof—ghost.

Thoughts?

Bob

Well, that’s what happened. I think you overrated her interest, you got a little cocky and then you also acted a little desperate. Like I said, the reaching out with the phone call, that was just kind of weird, why you would, “Oh, this is something we should do over the phone.” It’s pretty clear. He’s like, “I gotta get her back to my place. That’s what you gotta do, woman. I want some pussy. I want the box. You got to come to my place,” and so she’s probably like, “Uhh,” she puts him off. Again, this is a 41-year-old woman who was married for 10 years bro, and you’re 32. She’s running circles around you. I would say her interest is probably a five or a six and you overrated it, assumed she was down to bang and it turns out she wasn’t. Now she’s suggesting brunch or lunch because she thinks you’re soft and squishy. That’s why she did that. She thought you’d just go along with it and then you didn’t. So it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world, but five days have gone by and she went from texting back quickly to leaving you hanging for five days, so I’d never call or text her again for any reason. A few weeks may go by, she may have found somebody else because she’s on a dating app who’s game is a lot tighter and cleaner than yours and maybe she had higher interest in, so it is what it is, dude.

The stuff is laid out in the book for a reason. I mean, I wrote this book 20 years ago at this point almost. It was 2006. The first edition was published. I started writing it 2005. I updated it completely in 2013, and then I updated it again on the fly when I was recording the audio-book. Then obviously we changed the paperback and print copies to exactly match what I had changed in the studio and the audio-book. Like I said, it’s 20 years and thousands and thousands of phone sessions, and probably at this point, millions of free copies, millions of paid copies have been bought all over the world. It’s like I see the same feedback over and over again. So I spot patterns, the patterns are so obvious. That’s why I can read an email like this and go, “Yeah, I can kind of tell what he did wrong,” but it’s not the end of the world. Maybe she reaches out in a few weeks or a week or so. Maybe you never hear from her again. If you never hear from her again, then she definitely wasn’t that as into you as you thought she was, so you got to chalk it up to experience, chalk it up to the game and stick to the book, dude. I wouldn’t be taking a girl on a second date to the zoo. I probably wouldn’t go to the zoo. That sounds kind of like something a teenager would do, to be honest. A 41-year-old woman, maybe she liked the zoo. Maybe she’s big into animals. Then going to coffee and then going to a theater? I don’t know. Were you watching a play? Was it a movie? She’s a PhD, and you sound a little broke with the dates that you’re doing. Like I said, it’s a 41-year-old woman. Her mindset is going to be a little different. So if you’re going to be a 32-year-old dude dating a 41-year-old woman, you got to be a little more sophisticated, not so juvenile.

Like I said, seven years. Maybe he’s been a cherry picker. You got to do better, dude. Your game, you can clean it up. Like I said, if her interest is super high, it wouldn’t matter. You could have totally done everything you did and you’d have been fine, but her interest being lower and the fact that you’re dealing with a much more experienced older woman? She saw right through what you were trying to do, and maybe she left you hanging, probably to see if you freak out about it. Like I said, maybe a week or two goes by and she’s like, “I haven’t heard from that guy, Bob,” and then she reaches out. Then make your dinner plans, if that’s what you had offered. Unless she suggests a better alternative. It’s just, my impression is you seem like a broke dude that doesn’t have much money, and again, you act younger just by the things you did on your dates, and money is a big deal. Again, you’re dealing with a doctor, a PhD. Sounds like she’s makes more money than you do, so you got to you got to think about these things. The goal is to get you to the point where you make as few mistakes as possible, so when you date a woman who has lower interest, then you don’t make these same mistakes and talk her out of liking you, dating you, sleeping with you. Like I said, she may reach out. She may not.

If you guys haven’t already signed up for our paying Members Only content, in the description of this video, there are links where you can join on YouTube, you can join on Spotify or the website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website. When you get there, you can do a 7-day free trial with a monthly plan or an annual plan. If you choose an annual plan, you’ll get a 25% discount for paying the whole year’s premium up front.

As a paying member, supporting our channel and our videos and the website, obviously you’ll get five additional paid members only video coaching newsletter similar to this one per week. We have a 3% Man Study Group podcast, a Mastering Yourself Study Group podcast. It’s basically a weekly online class with myself, the girls and Chunky, where we go page-by-page in both books and discuss the concepts. We obviously also answer viewer questions on the book itself. It’s all exclusive viewer content. There’s hundreds of Members Only videos on the website, YouTube and Spotify, so wherever you subscribe is where you’re going to consume the content. Spotify doesn’t give you access to YouTube and vice versa. If you really appreciate the channel, then subscribe at all three places. If you happen to use Spotify, YouTube and the website, on the website you also get the email analysis that goes along with these video newsletters.

So go do it now! UnderstandingRelationships.com. Click the “plans” tab and do a 7-day free trial and check out the content you get as a paying member.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.