I Want To Move To Another State. My Girlfriend Doesn’t. What Now?

Some things to consider if you want to move and your girlfriend wants to stay put.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer whose been following my work for about 7 years and had a lot of success with it. He’s been with the love of his life for a few years now. He lives in a liberal state and wants to move to a warmer more conservative one. His girlfriend is close to her family and doesn’t want to move. He asks my opinion on what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “I Want To Move To Another State. My Girlfriend Doesn’t. What Now?”

Well, this is interesting. This particular viewer, he’s been following my work for about seven years. He’s had a lot of success with it, and he’s been with the love of his life for a few years now. However, he lives in a liberal state and he’s conservative leaning.

Plus, he wants to live where there’s warmer weather, and what he really loves about his girlfriend is she’s really tight with her family, really close to them, and he wants to move and she wants to stay put. And he’s like, I really don’t want to stay in this particular state. He’s like, but I also don’t want to lose my relationship. What should I do? So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve been following your work for about 7 years and have read your book at least 20 times. Growing up and well into my 20’s, I never had any issues seducing women and my time spent in the Marine Corps only made things easier to get attention from the beautiful patriotic women out there.

Thank you for your service. Thank you for taking care of the ladies.

Fast forward to now, I’m in my late 30’s and after swimming through a sea of women, I finally got the girl I’ve been waiting for. She’s smart, sexy, successful, comes from a great family and I can honestly say she’s the one I’ve been searching for.

Our relationship is phenomenal and she even compliments my ability to make her a better communicator from the tips and strategies I pulled from 3% Man. We’ve been together for a few years and being in your late 30’s, it seems like women want to speed things up and get married.

Well. I mean, the window for them to have kids is definitely closing, especially when you get in your 30s. Because the sands of the hourglass are going it’s time is marching on. And especially if you guys been together for several years, 2 or 3 years, that’s enough time to know whether you want to have a family with her or not.

We’ve discussed marriage and I can see myself proposing to her except for one problem holding me back. Living in an expensive liberal state, my goal has always been to move somewhere warmer, more conservative and has a cheaper cost of living.

Well, if that’s what you feel in your heart of hearts, that’s what you should do. And if she’s the right girl and she’s head over heels in love with you and you’re applying what’s in The Book, she will go with you. Even if she says she’s not excited about living there. Because if you really don’t like the state and you don’t really want to live there, and you stay there to please her. You’re going to resent it, and you’re not going to be as happy as you could be as a man, because you’re always going to be thinking, “I, in essence, gave up my purpose, my mission. What felt, what I felt was right.”

And you’re supposed to be the leader in a relationship. So if your lady doesn’t want to follow you to another state, well, maybe your goals and values aren’t as aligned as you thought they were. And she’s not as into you as you thought she was because a woman had set her heels in love with you she be like, “I’m kind of nervous and scared about it, but I trust you and I love you, and I want to be with you. And we can always come back and visit my family. Many times a year. Throughout the year.”

So, in other words, if a girl really, truly loves you, she’s going to go with you regardless. And she’s not that into you, she won’t. You may have to get engaged before she goes with you, but that would show that you’re serious about marrying her and you’re not going to just move to another state with her and potentially break it off after she’s invested several years with you, especially as her window is closing to be able to have babies. So you’re going to have to have a heart to heart with her.

And if it really, truly is important that you move to one of these states, then maybe that’d be a good thing for you and your girl to do is to go try out some of those states or those cities. The two of you can go fly together or take a road trip or drive if you want, but ideally fly away for a weekend and check out a few cities. Just get the vibe. I mean, that’s something that I’m doing right now. I’m looking potentially, of moving the studio to someplace bigger. And but the lifestyle that the area provides is important.

So one of the things I always do is if I see a house or a place that I like, I’ll go drive around the neighborhood, just feel what it feels like as I drive through there. And some places you’re like, wow, that place looks amazing. And then you go drive around the neighborhood of the area and you go, “yeah, I don’t like the vibe of it doesn’t feel right.” It’s like when I first moved to Orlando in the 90s, I’d been up there a couple of times, and every time I went up there on the inside, I felt euphoric, I felt elated, I felt like this is where I need to be.

This is where I want to live the next chapter of my life. I want to be here. This is what feels right for me. And I trusted that. I mean, you guys read Mastering Yourself. It’s like that whole thing was me trusting my intuition and what felt right. I’d always lived in South Florida, but I just fell in love with Orlando, and I felt like that’s where I needed to be at that time. And now obviously last ten years or so, most of it I’ve been back in South Florida. I haven’t really spent much time in Orlando because it just feels better being down here internally. I trust my intuition when it comes to that.

And so something you guys should do as you continue to talk about and discuss potentially sharing your lives together, especially if you’re going to get married. I mean, obviously be better to get married in a more conservative state, especially Florida. Like, maybe you live in Commiefornia, but the divorce laws are way fairer in Florida than they are in California. That’s if you’re crazy enough to involve the government in your relationship. But what you should do is spend some time on the internet, look at the houses, look at the neighborhoods, get a feel for it, and then go fly and hang out in that state for a few days or those neighborhoods and just drive around and see how both you and your girl feel.

Pick an area that you really jive with. It’s like when you find the right place, you’ll know. It’s like probably it’s the same feeling you felt when you met your girl. You just kind of knew. This is something different about this one. We’re clicking on a level that doesn’t normally happen. And so as Steve Jobs said, “You got to trust your heart, your curiosity and your intuition because they somehow already know what you want to become.” And so what you have to do is you have to do what feels right, even if that means potentially say you go and she likes an area and you really like it and she’s going, “ah, I don’t really want to live here.” It’s like, “babe, this is like, this is where I want to live.

I really hope you want to come with me, but if you don’t, maybe we can do long distance for a while. But if you’re my true ride or die. If you’re the one for me. If you’re going to be the mother of my children, you’ll want to be with me. And if you’d rather be in the state than. Well, maybe our goals and values are not as aligned as I thought they were.” And you just have to let the chips fall where they may, because the worst thing you can do is like what I did when it came to marrying my ex-wife. It didn’t feel right. My intuition was like, this is not right. It’s not the right time to get married.

She’s a great girl, but it’s not the right girl. I wasn’t in a place in my life where I wanted to do it, and I allowed everybody else to talk me into it. And it was a it wasn’t easy getting out of all that. I mean, you guys read 3% Man. It was one of the most difficult times in my life. And the difficulty all came because I didn’t listen to my intuition and what felt right for me. I still moved to Orlando, but getting engaged and getting married, deep down, I was like, I didn’t really want to do it. It didn’t feel right. Even my wife knew that we had discussed that at length, but I just talked it up because I was inexperienced.

“Oh, must have cold feet.” That’s what everybody told me. Didn’t feel right. Anytime I’ve not listened to my intuition, it’s not gone well. In that case, I moved to Orlando, which felt right. But getting married didn’t feel right. And you guys know what happened. I mean, I had a wonderful 20 years in Orlando, a lot of great experiences, a lot of tough, expensive lessons. But it made me into the dude that I am today. And what’s great about being back in South Florida because like when I left South Florida was like, “I’m never coming back. Screw this place. I’m over it.”

And then to go through life over several decades, and then to feel the pull of home, if you will, to come back. Didn’t expect that to happen, but it’s all worked out great. So you should learn to trust your intuition and hopefully your girl wants to come along. But if she doesn’t, you’re going to have to go anyways because that’s what a man does, what he must. That’s where your heart is calling you. And what I’ve learned, and anybody that’s read Mastering Yourself, is that there were people that I was supposed to meet in Orlando.

There were relationships that I was supposed to have in Orlando that were essential. Like, when I look back at it now, I was like, man, it was so perfect. Everything that happened was just, “Doo, doo, doo.” At the time, as I was going through it, it felt like things were never going to get better. Things were never going to happen the way I wanted. But when I look back at it now, it’s like, man, all those experiences were magical.

Those people I met, whether it was business or personal life, friendships, a lot of stuff happened. A lot of interactions, a lot of people that I met, shaped and changed my destiny for the better to help me become who I am today. All because I listened to my intuition. Not all the time, but like at least when it came to moving, that was absolutely the right decision for me and I have zero regrets about that.

I’ve brought the subject up multiple times but she reminds me of how close she is with her friends and family. When asked if she could ever see herself moving to another state, her response is “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready.”

Well, that’s why you may have to go without her. A man does what he must. It’s like, “babe, I love you. Hopefully you want to follow me.” And then you know what, you know, I know I said a few minutes ago, maybe you have to get engaged before you go. Maybe, probably best not to think about it that you don’t get engaged before you go. Have her come and live with you in that state, because you don’t want to get engaged and ever move with you. Then her really become homesick and miss it. But I mean, at the end of the day, if she really loves you, she’ll get over it.

She works remotely and I can work just about anywhere I want with my background, so those are certainly not obstacles to overcome. Where are the lines drawn when it comes to masculine decisions versus being selfish?

Well, again, your goals and your values are in a conservative state. Like attracts like. People that like the same things tend to like each other. If this woman truly is the right woman for you, she’ll come with you. And even though she’s going to miss her family, they’re only a plane ride away. They can come visit her. She can come visit them. Who wouldn’t want to come to this fun in the sun? Obviously we know in the middle of the summer, like it has been now. It’s like a fucking swamp. Like right now it’s raining outside. So I know when I go to lunch, I’ll get ten feet out the door and just, right away I’ll be sweaty because it’ll be so hot. But hey, I love it down here. I’d rather have that than freezing my ass off in the Arctic Circle somewhere.

I’d rather know now than a few years into marriage if she stands her ground and refuses to move.

Yeah. That’s why I would move first. And then the engagement and the marriage would have to come after that. Even if you’re engaged, you can always decide to not get married. But then you spent the money on the ring. It might be that she wants to be engaged before she agrees to move. But you have to go where your heart is compelling you to go, and hopefully she wants to go with you. And if she doesn’t, well, I mean, you should have some fun with it. Take a weekend trip and go check the cities and the neighborhoods out that you like.

Check the states out. Maybe there’s 2 or 3 different conservative states you’re thinking about moving to. Just see what the vibe is, see what the job market is, see what the housing is like, see what the cost of living is like there. Just drive around the area and see how you both feel. And when you find the right place, you’ll know it’ll light you up on the inside. Just like when I went to Orlando, I was like, man, it lit me up on the inside. I was like, “I need to be up here. I don’t know why, but it just it feels amazing to be here.” I love everything about the city and had a great 20 year run up there and now I’m back where I started.

There’s a poem it’s called, “Little Gidding” from T.S. Eliot. It was like in the 40s, I think it was written and it said, “Do not cease from exploration because the end of our exploring is to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.” Me being in South Florida, I was like, didn’t expect that. Didn’t see that coming. I remember my mentality and my attitude was like, I just couldn’t wait to get the hell out of here. Part of it, because I was still pissed off at my parents and I just wanted to get away from them and everything had happened.

But as I got older, I got more mature and plus all the experiences I had, I wouldn’t be the dude I am today if I hadn’t lived in Orlando. The people that I met, the girls that I dated, it’s like I wouldn’t have had none of those experiences if I hadn’t have been up there. The business partners that I had never would have met those guys if I hadn’t moved to Orlando and built that big business with them. So everything happens for a reason.

Do I risk losing her to stay true to my wants and desires?

Yes. That’s what a man does. As JFK said, “A man does what he must despite the consequences, despite the risks.” And he took a lot of risks and the CIA killed him for it, or I should say, corrupt agents treasonous agents in the CIA killed him for it.

I know you love to reference JJ Braddock and how he wanted to fight despite his wife’s objections.

So he’s talking about Cinderella man that I referenced in 3% Man.

But this feels more like a life changing decision for the both of us.

Well, again, if she’s head over heels in love with you, and she trusts your judgment implicitly, even though she’s apprehensive and fearful, she’ll go with you. That’s the bottom line. If she doesn’t go with you, then, hey, it wasn’t “the one.” It wasn’t the girl you were supposed to marry. That tells me that when you get to your state, eventually you’ll meet a girl that has similar goals, similar values. And she’ll love the South like you. And then you guys can live happily ever after and make a bunch of babies and build your own fucking tribe. Right?

Any suggestions on how to navigate these tough waters would be appreciated.

Bob

Well, like I said, that’s what I would do if I were you. If that’s where you feel called to live, then as a man, you got to go, man. If something over the horizon is calling you, you got to go. Hopefully your girl wants to go with you. But, I mean, the downside risk is she stays behind and you lose her. But even when you lose, sometimes you win. Because better always comes. When one door closes, another one opens. And if she’s truly the right girl for you and really, truly loves you and trusts you and supports you and is going to be your biggest cheerleader and fan, even though she’s scared and nervous and apprehensive about it, and is leaving behind everything she knew and her family.

She’s going to go with her man because she trusts him. And if she doesn’t, well, then she really wasn’t that into you. But I suspect more than likely if you guys go and take some trips together and you’re like, “babe, I love you, I really want you to come. You know, I’d break my heart if you don’t. But I got to do what’s right for me. And quite frankly, if you don’t feel like you love me enough and you want to be with me enough to move away from your family, and you’d rather stay here and then lose me, it’s like, well, then I guess it’s just not meant to be.” And those are the breaks, kid. That’s life, man.

So a man like JFK says, “A man does what he must.” So you must do what you feel called to do. So go check it out, take her with you. But ultimately, once you find the right place, you’re going to have to move, because otherwise you’re going to be absolutely tormented if you don’t. I was absolutely tormented by the decision I made to marry my wife. I agonized over it, leaving her. It was horrible. It’s not a fun thing to go to the woman who has hitched her cart to yours and is like, “I’m in till the bitter end.”

And then say, well, I was too much of a bitch to really be honest. And I went along with this, and I thought my feelings would change. And so everybody told me. But they haven’t. And it just doesn’t feel right. So again, as Steve Jobs said, “You got to trust your heart, your curiosity and your intuition because they somehow already know what you want to become.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.