I Wanted Her As My Girlfriend But Got Dumped After 8 Months. Why?

How to figure out why you got dumped instead of becoming her boyfriend.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he’s read 3% Man, 15 times. He spent the last 8 months dating a woman he wanted as his girlfriend, but they never made it past being casual friends with benefits. She recently dumped him saying she couldn’t get him to like her enough to see her more than 3 times per week. He hopes she will come back and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne, and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “I Wanted Her As My Girlfriend But Got Dumped After 8 Months. Why?”

Well, this particular email is from a viewer who says he’s read 3% Man 15 times, and he spent the last eight months dating a woman. He wanted as his girlfriend, but they never made it past being casual friends with benefits. And so she recently dumped him saying that she could never get him out on a date, or, she couldn’t make him like her enough to want to see her more than three times a week. And so now he’s hoping that she’s going to come back, and he asks my opinion on, “What the likelihood is that she will come back?”

So, I mean, before I get into the email, just because I’ve already been through it, the one thing I notice is that there’s a lack of closeness and there’s a lack of intimacy, and he kind of seems a little robotic. And some of his canned responses that he says to her. And so even though he read The Book, or at least he says he read The Book 15 times. Because when you start dating a woman you’re trying to go slightly slower than she is. And so you’re going to make about one date per week on average. So you initiate contact, you make one date per week.

And most women in the West are going to sleep with a guy by the second or third date. And so typically after that happens, they’ll start calling you or texting you or FaceTiming you every couple of days. And so when that starts happening, then you just assume she wants to see you, and then you make the next date, and then get off the phone. And then from that point forward, she’s going to be calling or texting you 2 to 3 times a week. And then, you` know, you get three, 4 or 5 weeks into it.

If you’re properly applying what’s in The Book, she’s going to be in contact with you pretty much every day. And so if she’s texting you after 9:00, 10:00 at night, just say, “Come over.” You don’t have to go out on a grand gesture date every single time you go out on a date. And so what it looks like here with this particular guy is that he’s struggled to transition from casual dating to being in a relationship, but he also says in his email that he thought she just wanted friends with benefits.

So there’s things that she obviously did or said that made him feel like it wasn’t going to go beyond that. And so I would say maybe he really, even though he read The Book 15 times, he probably hasn’t practiced it enough to learn the subtle nuances. And so again, he kind of dropped the ball between transitioning from casual dating to a serious relationship. And then the fact that he’s eight months down the line and she’s never asked him to be exclusive, then that tells me, you know, assuming that she’s a normal, healthy woman, that there’s things he didn’t apply properly from The Book.

Because to date a woman for eight months, and she never brings up being serious or being exclusive, that tells me there’s a lack of attraction. And then also, I believe further in the email, you’ll see that she had asked for “space”. So when a woman “asks for space”, they ask for space not because you’re under pursuing them. They ask for space because you’re over pursuing them and smothering them and making them feel like you’re way more into them than they are into you. And so they’re trying to get you to back off when they ask for space.

So looking at that, like I said, it just seems like something was sloppy in his approach because if he’s really applying what’s in The Book properly, she should have been in love with him by week 6 or 7 at the latest, and wanting to be in a relationship, and that clearly never happened. If it was just, they would hang out and have fun and hook up. And like I said, as I go through the email, you’ll see he seems to be, probably a little bit too much of a cold fish.

He didn’t really take the time to get to know her, didn’t treat her like somebody he really cared for. It was just, they would get together, they’d have really great sex. She even said it was the best sex that she ever had. But he was just too cold, too distant and not warm enough with her. And so therefore, it never really went beyond just a casual couple time a week booty call. He treated her like a booty call, never treated her like somebody that was kind of special or that he wanted to date.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve read your book at least 15 times as well as being a viewer of your YouTube channel. My girlfriend of about 8 months broke up with me. Some back story. I met this woman from a mutual friend and we hit it off immediately. I was going over to her place and hooking up on the regular.

So if you’re just always going over there, Netflix and chilling and then leaving, you’re not really dating. It’s just a booty call. And you can only get away with that for so long. You should have been going out and doing fun things together. But if that’s, again, I’m going to read that line again, because that pretty much gives away what was going on here.

I was going over to her place and hooking up on the regular.

Doesn’t say much about dating or going out, or having fun or having a normal courtship, probably because guys are lazy and it was easy and she liked having sex with them. But once the sex was done, they weren’t really hanging out and doing anything outside of him going over and Netflix and chilling with her.

She would say things like, “omg I’ve never had sex like this before”, “I’m trying not to like you so much”.

But she probably said that in the very beginning, and it’s probably been a long time since he heard that.

And, “You are gonna break my heart cause you’re too hot for me”.

Come on. Come on up. Come on. All right, you cranky woman.

She started throwing a wrench into things about 6 months into the fuck fest. I screwed up initially when she was being bitchy a few weeks ago. Instead of communicating with her, I left her place saying I had to study. She knew I was upset. I was emotionally distant with her. I felt that she didn’t value the time I had taken for her and was creating problems to see if I was long term potential. 

Well, women don’t just create problems for the hell of it. If she’s not happy and you’re just walking out and not sitting there talking to her, again, you acted like an emotionless zombie. And so you treated her exactly like a girl that you were only interested in fucking, and that was it. It doesn’t sound like you ever dated or did anything fun together. She would get in touch with you, you’d go over, you’d have great sex with her, and then you would leave. And because you never did anything, you didn’t date and court her, you didn’t go out, you didn’t do fun things together.

You only went over there and had sex. She at some point realized it was just a friends with benefits thing. And you didn’t have any intentions beyond that. Or at least that’s what you communicated through your actions. Because when women act bitchy towards you, it means that they think you’re weak and you’re soft and they don’t respect you. And then the fact that you didn’t stop to say, “What’s the matter? You seem like you’re upset. What’s going on? Talk to me. What’s in your heart? What are you thinking? What are you feeling?”

And that never happened. He’s just like, “Oh, I’ve got to study. See you later.” So when you walk out on somebody like that who’s upset, you communicate. You don’t give a fuck about her. She’s just a girl. One of the girls you’re banging, she’s a rotation girl, basically. That’s what you treated her like. And again, you’re not going to get away with that. You can only get away with that for so long before the average woman is going to tap out.

She asked for space a few weeks ago after our first fight and I gave it saying, “If you want to not see me, I understand. Let me know if you change your mind.”

So if she’s asking you for space, that means you’re over pursuing. That’s the bottom line. So her interest is low at that point. You’re clearly over pursuing and you’re smothering her because, again, women don’t say that when you’re under pursuing them. They don’t say, “I need space” when you’re under pursuing. And as he said, things started to go sideways. He didn’t really take the time to open her up, and he just made her feel like he was there for the booty. And that was it. And that is your fault.

She reached out and we talked ending in a breakup. I indicated that I still wanted to see her and had feelings for her. She said, “I feel like this was a physical fling, you’re the best lover I’ve ever had, but I could not get you to like me enough to spend more than 3 days with me a week.”

So you treated her like a booty call. It doesn’t look like you dated her at all. You went over, you had sex, and then you would leave. And again, if a girl is looking for a relationship and wants something more than that, and she wants to be emotionally stimulated, like they all do, I mean, it’s right in there. You basically treated her like a fuck buddy the whole time.

I told her I didn’t know she felt that way.

Well, that tells me you never had any deep, intimate conversations where you really took the time to listen to her and open her up and find out what was in her heart. And that’s a you problem.

And wanted to try but I understood her mind was made up. I honestly thought she just wanted friends with benefits. I had kept my feelings to myself. 

Well, again, the only reason why it lasted eight months was because she liked having sex with you. But you never, ever took her out. You just always did the same thing. It was boring and dull every week. It was not exciting. She knew what she was going to get with you. And women want more than that eventually. She enjoyed the friends with benefits, but as she said, once she realized that she couldn’t get you to want to spend more time with her. Then she started backing off and fading away because she basically gave up at that point. And more than likely when she gave up and started backing away and reaching out less, you noticed that.

And so “The Illusion of Action” kicked in, and you started calling and texting and reaching out to her more, which caused her interest to actually go down even faster, to the point where she felt smothered. And then she asked for space. It’s typically what happens. So you acted like a cold fish for at least six months, and then it just started to come apart there at the end. And so when she backed away, you started pursuing. She backed away even more and then said she needed space and then she broke it off.

I wished her the best and told her to contact me if she changed her mind. She seemed irritated with me putting the ball in her court.

Well, she just irritated with you in general. Because she definitely cared at some point, but she gave up. Because just things never progressed beyond a booty call. I mean, if you’re just going to Netflix and chill; and, you know; I did a Video Newsletter it’s probably been three, four weeks now. It was an older guy that was doing that. Twice a week, he would do salsa dancing with her. They would take salsa dancing classes, and then once a week they would Netflix and chill. And they did the same thing every week.

And she ended up dumping him because it just didn’t stimulate her emotions. She basically said that they felt like an old married couple. Like they’d been together forever. Because again, it was the same routine every week. You’ve got to be a little more creative than that. And that’s obviously in The Book. And for you to have read The Book 15 times and then think it’s a good idea to only go over, and Netflix and chill three times a week, well, it’s pretty clear at some point she lost interest and started giving up on you and then backing away.

And then that’s when you started to pursue. And that’s why you got the, “I need space.” So you’ve got to get back to The Book and kind of spend some time really understanding that transition. Because as a woman likes you more, they want to see you more, you’ve got to arrange more get togethers. If you’re just going to go and do the same date every week, and every week is the same thing, you’re going to get dumped. And that particular client I was talking about, he was 60, I think he was 63, and the woman he was dating was like 65 or 66. And again, he did two salsa classes with her per week and one Netflix and chill.

That’s the only thing they ever did. This was the one where the guy was an X-PAT. Now it’s coming back to me; in Mexico. So they’re living in Mexico, and he was doing the same date every week, and that’s good for a while. But if nothing ever changes, you never take her on a date. You don’t go away for the weekend. You don’t do fun things together. You don’t become boyfriend girlfriend. If you wanted to become boyfriend and girlfriend with her, you should have taken a different approach. So even though you read The Book 15 times, you were completely misapplying it if you wanted to date her and get into a relationship.

She contacted me a week after with small talk. After a few instances of random texting. I asked if she wanted to have dinner with me.

Well, I would ask her if, “Hey, would you like to have dinner with me?” Instead of, “I want to see you. We should get together and have some dinner.” And then make a date and go pick her up and take her out somewhere.

She declined and I said, I understand. Let me know if you want to see me again. I indicated that I still had feelings and didn’t want to just be friends. She seemed irritated but agreed.

What do you think Corey? Do I have a shot? 

Flip a coin. What it looks like now is, it kind of looks like she met somebody else. And the reason why she reached back out but wouldn’t go out with you even though she reached out to you is she’s just seeing if you’re still on the line. If she can go out with you again in case things don’t work out with Chad Thunder Cock or whoever it is that she’s seeing now. In other words, you’re kind of in the male orbiter spot. You’re kind of like a backup plan in case things don’t work out with the new guy that she’s hanging out and having fun and probably hooking up with, then that’s why I wouldn’t do anything.

So I would go back through The Book. Maybe it had been a long time since you went through The Book, but you clearly missed a lot of the nuances where you go from casually dating to being in a relationship, and the fact that she never brought up being exclusive. I mean, it’s pretty obvious when all you’re doing is going to her house and having sex and then not doing anything outside of that. That’s a booty call. That’s a friends with benefits. And even you said you thought that’s all she wanted. And then you probably really didn’t give a shit about this girl until she started backing off. And then you cared.

That’s when you decided you had feelings. Because rejection breeds obsession. But for the first six months that you guys are hooking up, you didn’t care. You were treating her like friends with benefits, and it ended up blowing apart. If you want to have a girlfriend, you have got to follow the process that’s in The Book. If you treat a girl like a friends with benefits, don’t be surprised when she eventually moves on despite the fact that sex is the best thing she’s ever had. She wants an emotional connection. She wants somebody that she can talk to that will listen to her.

And again, you just kind of acted like an emotionless zombie the whole time, so I wouldn’t do anything. I would wait to hear from her. And if she reaches out again, you’re going to ask one more time. So say she reaches out or texts you in a week or so. Invite her over to your place to make dinner together and say it like this. “Well, we should get together and make dinner at my place. What’s your schedule like?” Just like that. Don’t say, “Well, would you like to have dinner with me sometime?” “We should get together.” That should be how you ask women and invite them to do things.

It speaks from a place of confidence and certainty. And that’s the kind of thing you say to women if you’re used to them always saying “yes” to you. “Hey, we should get together for a drink.” “Hey, we should get together for dinner.” In this case, “I’d love to see you. We should get together for dinner at my place. What’s your schedule like?” Or, “We should get together and make dinner at my place. What’s your schedule like?” And if she says, “Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Just say, “Well, I think it’s a great idea. I want to see you. It’s like, come on over.” And make plans with her.

But if she says “No, I’ll think about it. Maybe.” Then if she does that, if she reaches out again and you try to set a date and she won’t make it, I would say there’s probably definitely another dude in the picture. And now you’re a backup plan. And so if she contacts you a third time after that, then never bring up getting together. “Hey, you. What’s new? How you been? Oh. That’s awesome. Hey. Well, it’s great hearing from you. I got to run. Talk to you later.” And then just leave the conversation.

If she calls you, talk to her for 2 or 3 minutes, and then say, “Hey, it was nice hearing your voice, but I got to run. I’ll talk to you later.” And because you’re going to ask, as 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says, you’ll ask two consecutive times in a row when she reaches out. First to get together. And if she turns you down both times, then you’ll just stop asking. So you need to get familiar with that.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.