If She Calls You Clingy You Probably Turned Her Off

Why it’s better to be reserved & selective instead of clingy & over invested.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who hooked up with a girl he met on a dating app on the third date. He admits he got a bit dopey after they had sex. Then she called him clingy. He messaged her a few days later to make another date and she said she was busy and would be in touch.

He says he tends to reveal too much interest when he really likes a girl to the point they think he can’t handle it and dip. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This is an email from a viewer who admits he kind of gets a little dopey when he really likes a girl. He met this girl and they ended up hooking up on their third date. Then he kind of got a little dopey after they had sex, and she said something to the effect that, “Oh, I didn’t realize you were so clingy.” That’s not good when a woman says that to you.

So when a woman says that, especially if she disappears, then usually what it means is they’ve dated enough guys like you. In other words, you’re getting a little dopey, you want in a relationship, you’re wanting more. They’re not feeling the same thing. They know that if they continue seeing you and hanging out with you, that you’re going to get hooked, you’re going to get really clingy and you become a stage-five clinger and you’ll be hard to get rid of. So in order to avoid all that drama, they just, poof! They ghost and they’re gone with the wind.

So he messaged her that afternoon after they hooked up, and she never read or responded to the message. He says again, he tends to reveal too much interest when he really likes the girl. You gotta understand, the average woman has been through this so many times. They date a guy, maybe hook up with them, and then the guy gets dopey and he gets a little clingy, a little possessive, starts thinking they’re going to be boyfriend/girlfriend, and in her mind, they’re just casually hanging out, having fun, and hooking up, and because they’ve been through it so many times with other guys that are just a pain-in-the-ass to get rid of, as soon as they get a sniff or a whiff that you’re clingy and needy and you’re going to cause drama and be difficult to get rid of, they just dip before it goes any further because they know it’s just not worth it. They don’t want a dude showing up at their work, calling and texting them, sending letters, going, “What’s wrong? I thought we had a really good connection.” Then the guys just get upset.

So this is a good example of why you got to maintain your composure. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. It’s better. Less is more. It’s better if she thinks that she likes you more than you like her. When you communicate the opposite, especially on the level that this guy did, he didn’t think what he did was really that bad, but to have a woman go, “I didn’t realize you were so clingy,” I never had a woman say that to me, and I’ve done a lot of fucking up. I’ve made a lot of mistakes when I was younger. I never had a woman suggest or say, “I didn’t realize you were so clingy.” That’s not good when you hear that. So you need to slow your roll. You need to be a better poker player because you’re overdoing it to the point where women realize you’re not going to be discreet, you can’t handle it, and it’s better to dip now than to keep hanging out, because then you’ll really be difficult to get rid of it. Maybe even become angry. This kind of behavior scares women and this is why they flee from it, and as soon as they get a sniff or a whiff, as I said earlier, poof! They will be gone with the wind.

Viewer Email:

Hello Coach,

I’m a tall, fairly good looking and successful man in my mid 20s, and I met a woman of the same age via a dating app. We hit it off well and she reached out to me thanking me for buying her drinks the same day, and we soon set up a second date at a bar, which also went well. She then invited me to come to her apartment to hang out with her and her dog the next day.

Probably an invitation for boom, boom, boom!

It was a bit abrupt so I had to defer, and a family emergency led to scheduling the third date three weeks later. 

The date proceeded well, and at one point, while watching a show on her couch, I asked her to come closer, which ultimately resulted in a make-out session, and then led to her bedroom to sex. Post-sex, during cuddling, I acted a bit dopey with comments like…

So there was more than one comment.

“…I’m glad I swiped that day…”

“…Your Highness.” You didn’t say Your Highness, but you might as well have.

“…Now I have two wives” (She made a joke about me marrying her dog prior to escalation).

Don’t talk about the future. Don’t talk about anything serious like that. It’s just too much, too soon. It’s like as soon as you have a little bit of the pusoir, you basically communicate you can’t handle it. It’s a bad way to go, my man. Do not do this. It’s a quick way to get rejected, especially after you just got to the Promised Land.

Also reassured her insecurity about her biological clock, “Don’t worry about the future, you’re just a baby. Just take care of yourself and cookie (dog).”

Huh?

(Prior to escalation, she expressed the fear of not being able to have kids later, which I also reassured then).

It sounds like she got the impression that you were ready to have children with her. You have sex one time and you’re like, “Hey, we got plenty of time to have kids.”

At the moment, she was very affectionate and throwing compliments. However, after we got dressed, she said, “I didn’t know you were clingy,” with a smile.

I’d be like, “Clingy? How so?”

I didn’t think much of it and smiled back and left her place after making out with her at the door, as she said, “Say byeee,” while waving her dog’s paw.   

A few days later, I invited her to a tobogganing date, to which she replied, “Yeah that sounds nice, but I have been dying with my new job lately. Maybe when things quiet down a bit?”

I would say no problem. We’ll hit me up. When your schedule frees up. I’d love to see you.

She did start a new job the same week but given the lack of a definite timeline, I mentally took it as a no but left a door open with, “For sure, no rush. Good luck at work,” and have stayed no contact since. She had always been affectionate and during the third date wanted me to take her dog home and meet her younger brother in the future among other things, so the contrast is jarring.

Well, what it really sounds like if you have sex with a girl after having three dates and then she just disappears after that and doesn’t reply, well in this case, she did reply, but she’s not available, so that usually means that you weren’t very good in bed. If you’re really good in bed, they’re going to want to see you again. If you’re not, they don’t care.

Given I said those things while she was naked on top of me, I thought I had more leeway.

Yeah, you just can’t get carried away with that, dude. It says in the book, don’t overdo it. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. You’re referring to her as a wife, just too much talk of too serious stuff. All relationships come as just casual hanging out, having fun, and hooking up. If it sounds like you can’t handle that, being casual, and the sex isn’t very good, it’s understandable why she would just dip like this.

It’s been a few weeks and I don’t expect her to reach out, but how can I improve things going forward?  

Well, think of yourself as like a poker player. You’re just revealing too much, too soon, and it’s overwhelming to women because you had three dates. The third date you hooked up, but after that, she’s all of a sudden too busy. You did leave the ball in her court. So assume that next time she reaches out, she’s freed up and she wants to see you. Don’t engage with a bunch of BS conversation. Just say, “Hey you! It’s awesome to hear from you. What your schedule like? I want to see you.” Be direct, be decisive, get right to the point, make a date, and then get off the phone.

I’m naturally charismatic and my looks often have women being interested in me more at the start, but as I start liking them more (I’m very selective), I often shift the balance and provide too much certainty (Even jokingly like this), even though I never over-pursue and am not needy. I am familiar with your work…

Which means, “I thumbed through your book once.”

So that’s part of your problem. You got to take this seriously. You need to read the book 10 to 15 times, not just be familiar with it. Maybe you haven’t even read the book yet. Maybe you’re just a cherry-picker, and that’s why you get a little dopey. Your game, it’s just sloppy. You’re overdoing it, and you come off as a stage-five clinger and women just want to dip.

…And have been actively going out with other women, but since she was my exact physical type, with a successful career who I also had a lot of chemistry with, it’s hard for me to get her out of my head.   

Regards,

Bob

Well, nothing is possible until she makes a mutual effort. Say you don’t hear from her for several weeks, maybe a month even. You could reach back out, but more than likely, you may have screwed the pooch on this because she wasn’t really excited about trying to set another date. She just told you she was busy. When women start telling you how crazy work is and they don’t offer an alternative day to see you, it means their interest has dropped. It’s gone lower instead of higher, which is not good. If her interest started out at a seven or an eight, you could have gotten away with what you did, but when it’s low, when it’s like a five, maybe a six, or maybe a seven, a low seven, that’s all it takes. Then poof! She’s gone.

So my suggestion is read the book, learn the fundamentals, and stop over-communicating your interest. Stop talking about the future. Definitely don’t be talking about marrying her or her being your wife or anything like that. It’s just way too much, too soon, and you’ll spook the average girl, especially if you’re doing mostly online dating, because they’re going to go with whoever stimulates their emotions the most. When you basically communicate that you’re ready to make her your girlfriend after the first time you sleep together and she’s on the dating apps, she’s probably going to be spending time with Chad Thundercock or somebody else that’s not named Bob.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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