If She Doesn’t Feel Safe, She Will Lose Interest In Sex

If your girl doesn’t feel safe she will usually lose interest in sex.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he has read 3% Man over 30 times. However, his pregnant girlfriend and baby mama of three years has little to no interest in sex and intimacy. He claims his game is tight. She does have some health issues that makes sex painful for her.

He is contemplating leaving after their second child is born if things don’t change. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this is a big problem that a lot of men have with their women, is that the woman doesn’t want to have sex with them. They have a dead bedroom, or like in this case, they only have sex every two to three weeks. From what it sounds like from this guy’s email, is that he’s basically getting a mercy fuck every two to three weeks because he complains about it. So if you’re at the stage where you’re basically bitching that your wife doesn’t or your girlfriend doesn’t want to sleep with you, it’s typically a you problem. The reason they don’t want to sleep with you is because they don’t feel safe. In other words, you’re not being a man consistently. You’re not being the leader. You’re not being the head of the household under normal circumstances, and that’s with women that are healthy and normal.

This particular woman apparently has some kind of a tumor that causes sex to sometimes be painful and unpleasant for. So he’s brought this up to her. They have one child already, and I guess she’s pregnant with their second one. So they’ve been together about, I think, three years. So he’s thinking he’s going to give it about eight more months and if things don’t change that, he’s going to dip, which he feels horrible about because this is his baby mama. At the end of the day, he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with somebody that’s kind of a roommate and an occasional fuck buddy.

I mean, there’s no passion there. The whole reason why you get into a relationship, an adult relationship, is you want sex and you want intimacy. He’s talked to her about it and she seems to be totally OK with it. So even though he insists that his game is really tight, he says he’s read 3% Man over 30 times, and every three to six months he re-reads it. At the end of the day, he’s still getting laid, maybe once a month if he’s lucky, every two to three weeks. That’s not normal. It should be happening a minimum of two to three times a week.

Let’s go through his email and see what we can see, because even though he insists that everything’s great, I just have to look at her actions.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve read the book over 30 times. I re-read once every three to six months depending on how tight I feel my game is. I’m 25 and my partner is currently 28. We’ve been together for three years, we have a daughter and I’m a paying newsletter member.

So here is my dilemma: My partner and I have been great outside the indoor Olympics. She is all over me, but when it comes to the indoor Olympics, it’s completely dead.

Well, if she’s all over you, what does that mean? She doesn’t want to have sex when you progress things? Because that’s not normal.

We go about two to three weeks without it, and when it does happen, it feels rushed and boring.

So what that tells me is you’re the one trying to seduce her, and you’re trying to seduce somebody that just has no interest in sex with you. In other words, she’s doing it to give you a mercy fuck.

So my question is, what would things like before you guys had kids? Because I assume you’re not going to be three years down the road when you’ve always had sex once or twice a month. So I would assume for a period of time it was really good and then at some point, probably when she lost respect and attraction for you, she started telling you she had a headache or she’s not feeling it and you’re trying to seduce her. If you’re applying what’s in the book properly, your girl is going to be wanting sex more than you do, and when you have a girl that’s begrudgingly giving it up every two to three weeks, then that tells me you’re with a woman who doesn’t respect you and is not feeling attracted to you, assuming she’s normal and healthy, but he does say she’s got a health problem.

Well, what were things like in the beginning before the supposed health problem? Is it something that she’s always had, but now is just using that as the excuse? Because if a woman doesn’t feel safe with you, the legs are going to close. If you’re not being a leader, if you’re not being a man, if you don’t stand up for yourself and what you want, you’re not following your purpose and mission, if you turn into a people pleaser, these are all reasons. Like the previous emailer for today’s free video, it’s clear the guy’s too afraid to stand up to his girlfriend and put her in her place. Therefore, he’s constantly acting like a bitch.

To give an example, he’s like, “Hey, let’s have a barbecue.” So everybody comes over and she’s like, “Oh, I’m not hungry,” and he’s like, “OK well, the barbecue is off.” So even though he’s got his kids there and everything, he may have some other people. The barbecue was canceled and she got so irritated and disgusted with his repulsive behavior, the fact that all she said was she’s not hungry that he just called off the barbecue to please her. She got really pissed off about that because she’s like, “Well, if you would have cooked anyways, I still would have eaten something.” So she was really mad and she ends up leaving several hours before she was scheduled to and then he’s just going, “Oh, what’s the problem?”

If your fair maiden doesn’t want to have a barbecue after you invited her over, well that’s her problem. You’re still going to do what you want to do. You’re driving the fun bus. If she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t like the activity, you can stop the fun bus and open the door and let her the fuck out and she can go on down the road and go do something else.

She says otherwise, but I look at the actions. I stuck my nose in the book trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Turns out she was actually pregnant for quite a while without us knowing, so her hormones are all out of whack.

Well, that’s possible, but again, what were things like when things were good? I find it hard to believe that you spent three years with this woman when you’re only having sex two or three times a week, so something has clearly changed.

Also, intimacy tends to be a little bit painful and turns out she has a type of tumor that can cause pain.

Well, was that an issue in the very beginning of your relationship, or were you guys fucking like rabbits in the beginning? Was it only once you noticed she wasn’t as interested in sex that she started saying that she had a type of tumor that can cause pain? Where was all this pain when you first started dating her? If she’s got a health issue, is she addressing it or not? Or is she just using that as the excuse?

It’s not dangerous or cancerous, but it makes it very unpleasant for her. I also ask quality questions of what she likes and do the two steps forward one step backward method. I date and court her and open her up when I see I’m failing.

Well again, he seems to make it sound like he’s doing everything perfect, but at the end of the day, she’s not wanting to sleep with him. Where does this tumor thing come in? Again, if she’s always had this tumor before you met and it wasn’t an issue in the beginning and you guys were fucking like rabbits then, but now it’s changed, what’s changed? Is it the pregnancy? Or is it just the excuse?

At the end of the day, if you’re dating and courting her and you’re taking her out on dates, he says she’s all over him, but when he wants to have sex, she doesn’t want to, is it because it’s painful? If it is, if sex is painful, she needs to go to a doctor and get that addressed, because a woman who neglects herself eventually will neglect you. If she’s not able to put out because she’s in pain, but she won’t do anything about it, well that’s her problem.

So I feel like my game is pretty tight.

Well, if your game really was tight, she’d be wanting to have sex all the time and would be complaining that you weren’t giving it to her enough. Again, what was she like when things were good? I seriously doubt you’re going to be three years down the road and have always been like this. It’s like, why would you even get serious with somebody that behaves that way? I suspect it changed, and what’s really going on is there are things that he’s doing and saying that have turned her off and he’s not really admitting it.

Typically, the reason why women don’t sleep with the guy is because they don’t feel safe. In other words, he’s not being a man. He’s being a people pleaser. He’s not standing up for himself and what he wants. He’s not putting her in her place when she’s out of line.

Now the problem I’m facing is if I should continue this relationship. I love her deeply and I already brought it up to her about the intimacy aspect. I didn’t beg or plead. I just simply stated that our intimacy was an issue and that’s not what I want for our relationship.

Well again, you’re asking her for more sex, basically. The fact that you brought it up and are unable to seduce her on a frequent basis, it sounds like you’re getting rejected and she has no interest in it, but if she wasn’t like that in the beginning, well then something’s changed. Your behavior has changed. Maybe you’re acting a little cucked or a little soft, a little squishy, she pushes you around, she treats you like a doormat. Maybe you never stand up to her. Maybe you’re changing your opinions to match hers.

Again, this tumor thing, you didn’t really elaborate. Has it always been an issue? Has she always been like this, or is this a new thing? Because if it’s something that just popped up recently, well she needs to address it because otherwise she’s going to get left.

I asked her what was going on in her mind to see if I could understand her. Now that it’s further in the pregnancy tends to be very uncomfortable and l lost the want for intimacy.

Well, if you’re always getting rejected and your girl is always turned off, eventually you’re going to be like, “Fuck it. No matter what I do, she’s unhappy and uninterested.”

This is the first time in a relationship where I feel this way and it scares me. She seems to be fine with that, which puts me at ease.

So that just tells me she’s not attracted to you, doesn’t fear losing you, because she just doesn’t feel anything for you. So somewhere along the way, things went sideways. Maybe it’s a health issue, but it wasn’t always this way. It seems like it got to this point and you’re unable to pinpoint what’s going on, but the fact that she’s totally indifferent, she’s totally fine with being roommates and not having sex with you, tells me she’s not attracted to you and doesn’t respect you, and she’s certainly not in love with you.

You’re probably focused on your interest in her and completely ignoring that it’s not coming the other way, and you complaining about the lack of intimacy, typically what I see in these cases when I’m doing phone sessions is the guy’s not taking her out on dates, not seducing her on the dates and he’s not making her feel heard and understood.

I told myself I’m giving myself eight months after our second kid is born to see if it changes. If not, I’m ending there.

Think about it makes me feel sick, but I just know I can’t be with someone who is really just a friend who occasionally hook up.

It just doesn’t sound like your girl has any passion or interest in you at all, and you’re like the last to notice. You know, after reading this, there’s no way for you to sit there and go, “Oh, my game is tight.” I don’t think so, dude. I think you’re kind of deluding yourself.

Am I wrong for wanting this? Any wisdom from you is appreciated.

Thanks again, Coach!

Bob

Well like I said, you’re either leaving some details out or something’s missing here, because what it looks like if I just take a step back and bottom line her actions, it looks like she doesn’t respect you, she’s not attracted to you and she’s totally OK with just being your roommate. She doesn’t even want to fuck you. So that’s a lack of desire. It doesn’t sound like it’s really a physical issue, because if she was really turned on and really hot for you, she’s still going to want to fuck you. All the nerve endings are on the outside of a woman’s body anyways, so you can please her without penetrating her. So when you take that into account, it just looks like you’re screwing up somewhere because she’s not attracted to you, she certainly doesn’t respect you as a man and she’s not passionate about you. She’s not in love with you either. If she’s not in love with you and you think your game is tight, you missed the boat somewhere, dude. I don’t know where.

You know, this would be a good situation to get on the phone and do a phone session with, especially if you got two kids with her. That way I can ask you specific questions and figure out what’s going on, but just from her actions, again if she was head over heels in love with you, she’d be horny and turned on, but if sex were painful, she’d get that fixed. She’d go to the doctor and get the tumor removed, whatever happened to be, and get it fixed, but it just sounds like your girl just has no desire for you at all. You can blame it on the pregnancy, but things weren’t like this in the beginning, because you would have never got to the point where you’re having two kids with one woman if you weren’t fucking like rabbits at some point. Nobody stays with a woman where they’re just occasionally having sex for that long.

So somewhere along the way, you missed the boat or something’s lacking because if I bottom line your girlfriend’s actions, she’s just not into you. She’s not turned on by you, doesn’t respect you, isn’t feeling it. So you got to figure out what that is. I would suggest a phone session in this case.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.