If She Dumps You, She Must Do All The Calling, Texting & Pursuing To Get You Back

Why she must do all the calling, texting & pursuing if she dumps you to get you back.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a new viewer who got dumped by his girlfriend due to his needy and clingy behavior. He went no contact and she came back and they started hooking up again. He started to pursue her again and then she told him she couldn’t do it anymore, dumped him a 2nd time and tried to friend zone him. He’s still looking for reasons to pursue and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne, and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “If She Dumps You, She Must Do All The Calling, Texting & Pursuing To Get You Back.”

Well, this particular email is from a viewer who’s new to my work. And like a lot of guys, he found me because he got dumped by his girlfriend. And it was mostly, as you’ll see, due to his needy and clingy behavior, kind of over pursuing. Calling, texting, not just letting her be at times. And so he went no contact. And then a little while later, she came back. They started hooking up again. But he made the rookie mistake of starting to reengage the pursuit when they started hanging out. And then obviously he just got The Book, hasn’t read it yet, and he doesn’t really understand that women are kind of like cats. And so if the cat gets too familiar with you, it’s going to take off and go roam the neighborhood a little bit and then it’ll come back later.

Well, when the kitty cat seems to get a little bored and move away, or not be as attentive as it was, he tends to think that there’s something wrong and he’s got to fix that. And so he reengages with his pursuit. And then he didn’t hear from her for like three days. So he reached out again. She dumped him and he should be following what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, but obviously it’s not. And so after they hooked up and then he pursued her again, she basically said, ah, I can’t do this anymore. And then she stuck him in friend zone because he was just being a little too neurotic. Too clingy.

She’s got stuff going on in her life with her baby daddy and her ex and her kids. She’s got issues going on with one of her kids, and so he’s trying to he basically makes her feel like she’s kind of smothered and she’s just she’d rather just not deal with them at all or stick him in friend zone because her feelings start to go up a little bit. And then as soon as he started pursuing, they crash back down because as I talk about in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, if you’ve been dumped, then the person who broke it off, obviously most of the time it’s the girl. She’s got to do all the calling, texting and pursuing. In other words, she has to earn another chance with you, not the other way around.

And almost 100% of the time, guys do all the same things. They get dumped or they get friend zoned. They keep pursuing. They keep engaging even if they go. No contact. As soon as the girl reengages, they go right back to the same behavior that literally chased her out of their lives the first time. And so just like this guy here, for the second time, he chased this girl right back out of his life. Instead of letting her come to him at her pace, he smothered her and chased her away once again. And so now he’s still looking for reasons to pursue, even though she’s friend zoned him.

And so when a woman friend zone you and you keep chasing her even after you’ve told her to get in contact after she changes her mind, you’re not being congruent with your words. And so therefore, if you’re not congruent with your words and you’re not letting her be, and then you start pursuing, you’re going to elicit the same repulsive type of feelings in her towards you if you keep doing it. And so the way this guy is behaving, he got dumped again and it’s as predictable as the Sun coming up in the East and setting in the West.

All he really has to do is let her do all the reaching out, and then he can set dates where they can get together, hang out, have fun and hook up. But obviously he can’t stand the silence. He can’t stand not hearing from her for a few days. He falls under what I call “the illusion of action” that I discuss in my Book. And then he just chases her right back away again, turns her off. This is something that every guy has got to master, because if you don’t, you’re going to chase all the girls away that you really like, and then you’ll be stuck with the ones that you don’t really care that much about.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach Corey,

I really appreciate your work, and I’m fairly new to it. I bought the book yesterday on Amazon, and I’m excited to read it. My ex and I were together for two years, and we broke up in November. After that, I initiated no contact, and she came back in January. Things were going great.

So he thinks. So, you got about 2 or 3 months of No Contact. Then she reached back out. She ended it. Therefore she’s got to fix it. But as you’ll see, he makes the mistake of getting all wrapped up in stuff going on in her life and thinking that he’s got to be Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. White Knight. He starts to pursue, and he just turns her off exactly the same way, for exactly the same reasons that he did the first time around.

Unfortunately, one of her children became suicidal, and her ex-husband, after three years, is taking her to court for custody. This situation had a significant impact on her, causing her to push me away and not contact me as much.

Well, actually, it’s your chasing her. That’s what’s really going on. You’re trying to force yourself and shoehorn yourself into her life instead of just letting her be. Because when a woman gets to the point where she breaks up with you and is okay with not talking to you for 2 or 3 months, that means she’s not into you. That means that her feelings are mostly gone. But if she comes back after 2 or 3 months, it means they started to creep back up on her. And so what you did is you re-engaged and started pursuing and chasing again, and then you turned her off.

And women, typically all they focus on is how they feel about you. And all she knows is she started to miss you. She started to hang back out with you again. You became needy and clingy all over again, and you turned her off to the point where she didn’t want to be with you anymore. Because she couldn’t deal with a man baby. She couldn’t deal with a man that basically acts like a girl because she’s already got this stuff going on here. And so she blames this stuff, because it sounds logical and makes sense about the obviously the serious issue with her child, now she’s going back through court.

Whereas if you just let her come to you and hang out and have fun and hook up, you’ll be the escape from all of our problems. Instead, you’re making her deal with your neediness and your neuroticism, and you’re being clingy and you’re acting like a child and a girl that’s insecure and needy. You’re not acting like a man. And so it ruins the sexual polarity and it turns her off. This is as predictable as the Sun coming up in the East and setting in the West. It’s just the way women work. You’re supposed to be the strong, stoic, masculine one, and when you’re constantly reaching out to her and trying to force more interactions and more time with her, it’s going to turn her off. It’s not her idea. And therefore, if you keep doing this, it’ll get to the point where she just block you or ghosts you and ignore you.

I didn’t complain directly, but it did bother me.

Well, she knew she could tell because you kept pursuing. And again, in this case, you should be following exactly what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Because if you’d have done that and you did just let her do the contact initiation, she does that when she misses you. She does that when she wants to bond and connect, and you’re just not letting her be long enough for that to happen. And so because you need constant reassurance, probably because you didn’t get enough hugs and “I love yous” for Mom and Dad as a kid, you’re basically treating her like your mommy. And so it turns her off because it’s unmasculine behavior.

On Valentine’s Day (a Friday), after spending five days with her kids, she said she needed rest. I offered both options and said I was fine either way. She later changed her mind and came to my house to hang out, hook up, and have fun, which we did.

So if you notice, in other words, stay with your kids and get some rest or come hang out with me. You said you were fine either way, this is indifference. This is letting her come and go. This is as Thích Nhất Hạnh used to say, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And so you communicated the right thing, but you still should not have been reaching out to her. Because if you’re letting her reach out to you, she’s missing you. She’s wanting to see you.

She’s wanting to bond and connect. But when you reach out to her, then you’re not giving her enough time and space away from you to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, that kind of thing. You’re basically acting just like a woman would act. And so therefore women are attracted to the masculinity. If you act like a feminine girl, she’s not going to feel attraction for that you’re going to elicit platonic feelings in her towards you. It’s just the way they work.

She woke up early the next morning, saying she wasn’t feeling great, but I noticed her energy change.

And so this is where he like, goes and starts smothering her. I gotta fix it. This is the illusion of action.

She said she wanted to go home early, around 2 p.m.

I’m like, hey, no problem. Call me later.

She didn’t have the kids until Wednesday. So I pushed a little.

This is needy and clingy behavior, Dude. She says she wants to go home. Remember, “you must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And so she doesn’t feel free. And now she just wants to get away from you because you’re basically like, oh, mommy, mommy, please spend time with me. Oh, don’t leave yet. This is not how a man is supposed to act.

Asking if we could do something together. She agreed. However, her energy shift seemed significant, and I realized that I might have made her feel like the relationship wasn’t enough for me.

Well, what was going on was you were acting needy. You’re basically. “Oh, mommy, please. Please pay attention to me. Oh, don’t leave yet. Mommy, I need more attaboys.” That’s how it comes off. It turns women off. She’s wanting to go. And you should be like, sure, you should be glad that she’s leaving so you can have some time alone and get caught up on your hobbies, your interests. Go see your mom. Go hang out with your friends. Clean out your garage. Organize your sock drawer. You shouldn’t get upset that she wants. Oh, she didn’t want to spend the whole day with me. She doesn’t have to go back to work till tomorrow. And she doesn’t want to see me today. Oh. I’m sad. Oh, mommy doesn’t love me. That’s basically how you behave. I know I’m exaggerating, but it turns women off when you behave like this.

Her replies were short when she got home.

Because she was disgusted, because probably he continued to text her when she left.

And then she didn’t text me for three days.

So in other words, she stopped texting and left him hanging and left him on read. And did he leave her alone? Nope.

I reached out, just checking in, which I know was a mistake. I should have mirrored her actions and let her come to me. I asked if we could see each other on Tuesday.

So again, he’s like, “oh, mommy, pay attention to me again. I need you, mommy.” It’s bad, Dude. I know you’re new to my work, but I gotta break your balls a little bit because the idea is people do more to avoid pain than they do to gain pleasure. And so when you do things that are going to lead to pain, I’m going to roast you on it. And when you do things that are pleasurable, I’m going to encourage that behavior. And so there’s a method to my madness, and my trolling has a method to it. It’s not just me breaking your balls for the sake of breaking your balls.

I want you to be repulsed by the same behavior that repulses me, that repulses women, because the thought of doing something that’s repulsive to a woman should evoke a strong response within you that goes, oh shit, I don’t want to do that. She’s going to think I’m a bitch because that’s how you learn. Whether you realize it or not, these videos help rewire your perception of things and your actions so you behave more masculine and attractive. And then you get what you want, which is obviously your girl to want you.

The next day, she messaged me, saying she couldn’t do this anymore and wanted to end things, asking to be friends.

Remember what I said earlier about eliciting platonic feelings? When you pursue and you chase like this and you’re upset that she wants to leave early. It just evokes platonic feelings. It makes her repulsed by you. It makes her go from being turned on and her pussy wet to her pussy drying up and wanting to get the fuck away from you. And just be like, “oh, I can’t deal with this guy. He’s just so clingy. He’s so needy. He’s like another little boy.” She’s already got problems with her kids, and you’re acting like another child that she’s got to take care of, and she doesn’t want to be your mommy or your therapist or your emotional support human.

I declined and said that’s fine; I value my freedom and time for myself. I told her to call me if she changed her mind. She was upset with this response.

Yeah, because you’re not going along with her agenda. And so, look what he says.

I told her to call me if she changed her mind. She was upset with this response.

And so that’s it. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. You have to be congruent with what you told her. You can’t say, “hey, get in touch if she changes her mind.” And then a couple days later, a few hours later, wanting to reach out, ask if she wants to hang out again.

Now, should I text her to let her know I can be patient?

No, because that’s approval seeking behavior. Oh, mommy, if I’m patient, will you love me again? No, don’t do that. It’s disgusting.

That we don’t need to end things,

Oh, please don’t leave me. Stella. Ever saw the old, like, cat on a hut tin roof? It’s the one with, um, Marlon Brando, I think in the 50s. Stella.

And that she is enough for the relationship, or should I stay in no contact and wait to see if she reaches out?

Well, as it says in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back Dude, your pursuit of this woman is over forever. You got to let it go. What did you tell her? Call me if you change your mind. And the next pair going. Hey. Should I reach out and beg her to spend time with me Coach? I’m sure that’ll be real attractive and make her pussy dripping wet. It won’t work, dude.

Appreciate any advice as I really like this girl.

Dude, we know and she knows.

And I’m not sure in this specific circumstance if I should reach out?

Bro, she dumped you and stuck you in friend zone and you’re going, oh, should I continue pursuing? Will that make her pussy wet for me again? When she said she can’t do this anymore. So you’re saying I got a chance? Did you ever see Dumb and Dumber.

Or not? I know at the time I asked her are you okay I should had done a pattern interrupt and not let her leave until.

Not let her leave.

Until she told me what was wrong but it’s too late for that. 

Dude, the reason she wanted to leave is because your behavior was disgusting, unmasculine, unmanly and repulsive. That’s why she left.

Any help would be very much appreciated I’d rather not been in a video but I’m happy either way as I mainly just want help.

Thanks,

Bob

Well, don’t send me an email if you don’t want it answered in a video. So again, you got to follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. You got to learn the book. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. You don’t keep chasing after a girl who’s basically trying to get the fuck away from you and then go, gee, should I contact her again in a few days? You got to let women come to you at their pace, if it’s not her idea; remember she dumped you. You completely ignore that she dumped you. She tried to friend zone you. She’s blown you off. She’s left you hanging. And yet you want to continue to reengage and continue to pursue. As if somehow that’s going to change your behavior.

She has to be the one to decide that she misses you. And so by going no contact, you’ve realized and recognized that you both walked away from the negotiating table. You want sex and romance, she says. How about blue balls and friendship? You say, no thanks. Call me if you change your mind. That means you walk away and you never look back. That means unless she reaches out to you, you will never, ever speak to her again as long as you live. That’s what it means. That’s what no contact is. It means it’s a forever thing. It means you walked away. It’s the strongest position in a negotiation. And so you walk away. Then five minutes later, you’re going, hey, did you change your mind? It’s not going to work, dude. It’s got to be her idea.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.