If She Tells You That She’s Messed Up, Believe Her

If a girl you’re dating tells you she’s messed up you should believe her and let her go.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 26-year-old viewer who was dating a 23-year-old woman for about eight months. She kept telling him that she lacked confidence and was a little screwed up. She dumped him after four months saying she was too messed up to have a relationship. Then a few days later she came back and asked for another chance. She kept acting wacky and eventually he dumped her.

She keeps calling and wants another chance, but he’s tired of her nonsense and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, if you guys are familiar with Maya Angelou’s work, she had a really great quote that she said which went like this: “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”

This particular email is from a guy who is 26 years old, and he was dating a 23-year-old woman for about eight months. Even since the beginning, when they were dating, she kept telling him that she lacked confidence and she was basically a little screwed up. So after about four months of dating, she kind of got overwhelmed, broke things off and basically said she’s just too messed up to have a relationship, and he’s like, “Alright well, I’m not going to fight it. Sorry you feel that way. Call me if you change your mind.” Then a few days later, she comes back begging for another chance. Very apologetic, but the wacky behavior never really went away, she’s incredibly insecure, doubts herself and this issue just kept rearing its head.

Then recently, same thing happened again. She just has a meltdown after she was introducing him to a lot of her friends and family, and she was saying things like, “Oh, why don’t you really get to know me and see what my friends and my family are like? You’re not going to want anything to do with me anyways.” So after all this back and forth, because this is not like something that just happened. It’s just kind of the whole relationship is like this, so he got annoyed just because he’s worn out at this point, so he breaks things off with her. So now she’s been in contact with him obviously wanting another chance, and he’s like, “What do I do? Should I even entertain it?”

Let’s go through his email because a lot of guys, when they’re dating a girl who’s really hot, they’re having good sex and they see this kind of behavior, they tend to put up with it, excuse it and rationalize it away. The reality is, they’re just ignoring the fact that she’s a screwball.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I just ended an eight month relationship with my 23-year-old (I’m 26) girlfriend. Things started great. I was moving things slowly, letting her come to me and our relationship began to grow. It got to the point where I was invited to her sister’s wedding, got introduced as her boyfriend, met her family quite a few times, etc. 

The problem is this:

Throughout the whole thing, she would throw statements here and there that she suffers from a lack of confidence and really is not sure about her self worth, etc.

Yeah, you want somebody who’s a teammate, somebody that you can share your completeness with. Not somebody that as soon as you start dating them is basically, “Hey, I’m screwed up.”

I mean, I wrote about a girlfriend of mine I used to have many years ago. I think it was on our second date. She says, “I fuck up all my relationships. “Those were her words, but she was smoking hot, I loved listening to her and we had a really good time together, and I just kind of dismissed all that. As I continued to get to know her and learn more about her, she would just do things that were very passive aggressive and do things to sabotage the relationship because of her own insecurities. When you date somebody like that for a couple of years, it just wears you out.

I always gave her complete freedom to share (Or not), maybe too much freedom, and I mainly focused on enjoying the moment with her and creating fun experiences and hooking up. Somewhere in the area of our four months into dating, I met a childhood friend of hers (I was invited to come by her, didn’t ask for it). That evening she (My partner) had a breakdown. She started crying and said that she is not able to share these places in her life with me, that I will stop loving her when I find out who she is and what she is not.

Yeah, you want somebody that’s happy, whole and complete. Not a girl that’s having meltdowns and emotional problems that probably she should get a good therapist to help her get through her rough patches so she can get to a good place.

After an emotional conversation on her part, she decided to break up with me on the grounds that she is not built for a relationship now, and she is unable to handle it, said, “I’m sorry, but I get it,” and wished her well.

You never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you.

Not a week passed, and she came back to me, made a big romantic gesture and asked me to take her back. I was just getting ready to travel for a couple of weeks, so I met with her, we spent an evening together where we had sex a couple of times and everything was nice. From there I flew aboard for a few weeks. From there forward, she acted like we were the perfect couple. She even talked about the fact that she thought we would get married and wondered what our children would look like. I was mainly focused on my work, even though our relationship was also important to me, so I also made sure to give my part as being her rock, but mainly focused on hooking up and having a good time (Which happened all time, she is addicted to having sex with). 

About three weeks ago, we talked on the phone one evening. She was working at a program and we didn’t see each other for two weeks, and threw a sentence at me, “I don’t think I’m good enough for you.”

You don’t really want to hear that from your girlfriend, especially if that’s somebody you’re thinking about having a long term relationship with or settling down and getting married. Sometimes women will say those things when they have low interest in a guy, or they’re thinking about dumping him. That’s kind of like the, “It’s not you, it’s me,” type of thing, but from the email, it seems like he’s done a good job and she’s doing most of the pursuing, but he does mention later on in his email that he probably did things to lower her attraction, but he doesn’t elaborate and doesn’t really give any evidence of that.

After a few days, she came to sleep at my place and at night before we went to bed, I asked in a very chilled manner why she said that sentence, because honestly it already annoyed me to hear this shit and I was hoping that I will be able to encourage her to open up. 

Yeah, if she says something like that, “I don’t think I’m good enough for you,” you say, “What do you mean? Why would you say something like that?” And see what she has to say, because you don’t want to hear that. If somebody’s constantly saying, “I’m a loser. I’m not good enough for you. I screw all my relationships up,” You should say, “Well, maybe you should go talk to a good therapist about that, because I want to be with a girl who’s got her shit together, and if you’re having problems, you should get somebody that can help you with that.” As Jim Rohn said, and you can use this statement, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.”

“So what you’re telling me by sharing these things is that you’re messed up, you got some issues and some problems or some self-confidence issues. Maybe you should seek professional help to work on yourself and fix that so you can be a better girlfriend to me instead of just freaking out and running away and breaking things off. Then a few days later go, ‘Oh my God, I made a mistake. I gotta have you back.'” I mean, you guys can read about attachment issues. It’s like that. There are people that have the attachment issue. You get too close, they freak out and they run away. Then afterwards they’re like, “Oh shit, what did I do?” Then they want to get back.

If you’re in a relationship with somebody like that, things will be sailing along great and all of a sudden, they’ll just screw it up because they’re messed up. A woman who’s smart will go and get a good therapist, fix that issue and come back a better person.

From there, once again somehow something led to another, and we parted ways again. This time it was me who initiated it, but clearly, she pushed to do it. She started saying things about how she can’t live her life when she’s in a relationship, that she’s losing herself, that she’s still young and has more things to go through in life, that she’d like to date more people and what not.

Again, women typically say those kinds of statements when the guy has done things that turn her off, lower her attraction and respect for him, and it’s a nice way to kind of soften the blow. Kind of like, “It’s not you, it’s me,” type of thing, but in reality, it really is you and not her.

Things that, in my opinion, were a bit strange to hear. Especially because 90% of the pursuit in this relationship was done by her, she would do all of the reaching out and date planning, come over all time and she seemed to love it.

Date planning? Does that mean you didn’t take the direction and lead because somebody feels like they’re losing themselves? What that tells me is that they’re behaving in a way because they don’t think you’re going to like the real them. In other words, they’re putting on an act, or they’re hiding part of their personality because it upsets you or you lose your shit over it.

I ended the conversation by saying that I understand her and her confusion, that I love her and that sucks, but I wish her the best.

Since then, she offered me twice to come visit her. I didn’t accept as you say to do, told her I have a very busy week and invited her to come to my place for dinner, but she also couldn’t make plans because she was out of town. 

So she invites him over. He invites her to come to his place to make dinner. She doesn’t want to do that.

Since then, a few more days of complete silence have passed, she sent me a message of, “Have a good weekend.” Then the following day at 1:00 a.m., she called me. I had just come back from a bar, so I answered her call. She was crying on the phone, saying she can’t stomach the fact that I’m no longer part of her life, that it’s hard for her and she loves me. I tried to keep the conversation short, I told her that I understand and I’m sorry, and offered to get together. She didn’t answer yes or no, just said OK (In kind of a mad way). I half-flirtatiously reminded her that she can’t be mad at me, and she said she understood. Told her if she changes her mind she can give me a call, wished her a goodnight and ended the call. We haven’t spoken since and I’m really wondering what to do.

Well in this case, I wouldn’t do anything because she’s messed the relationship up multiple times and she’s acting like a screwball. These are not the actions of a woman who’s normal, healthy and has her shit together.

On one hand, I really love her, we have a great connection, really similar interests, but on the other hand, I’m afraid that I’m dealing here with someone who is too young, and that this could turn into a pattern that repeats itself endlessly.

I wouldn’t say it’s a fact of her being too young. It’s that she’s messed up and she’s told you multiple times. You want somebody that’s happy, whole, complete, ready, willing, able and open to having a relationship, and she keeps telling you that she’s a screwball, she’s messed up and then she blows things up, causes a problem, runs away. Then after the fact, it’s like, “Oh shit, what have I done?” And then she wants to run back to you. That’s just not healthy behavior.

If she reaches out in the future and wants to get together, just say, “Look, I really care about you and I really love you, but being with you and dating you? You act like a yo-yo. You’re up and down and all over the place. You’re all over the ice. One moment things were sailing along great, and the next moment it’s the end of the world. You want to be single. I don’t want to be with a woman who is all over the ice like that.” I would just tell her, “Look, you need to work on yourself. You got to fix yourself. You clearly have got some issues. I want a woman who’s easygoing, easy to get along with. Not a chick that just randomly freaks out every few weeks and tells me she’s not good enough for me, she needs to be single, she needs to date more people and all that stuff. You wanted to be my girlfriend and then you didn’t. Then you did it again.”

“I don’t want to be in a relationship with a girl that acts like a yo-yo. I want somebody that acts like a mature adult. I want a girl that’s a ride or die, and the littlest things sends you into a tailspin. Then you just want to blow up our relationship. Then a few days later, you want to come back like nothing ever happened. I’m always on pins and needles wondering, ‘Is she going to flip out on me this week? Or is she going to be a good girlfriend this week?’ I just don’t want to deal with this shit. So I will give you one more chance if you go and get yourself a good therapist that can help you and you feel like you’re making progress. Then we can go out on a date. I’m not going to just get back together or jump into a relationship, but we can go on a date and I’ll see how it goes. If you’re not going to do anything to fix yourself, then I’m not giving you any more chances. I just don’t want to be in a relationship with a screwball. It’s not fun. I got a lot of things going on in my life. I got a bright future ahead of myself and I need a girl that knows how to act like a mature adult. Not a chick that acts like a fucking five-year-old that can’t control herself or her emotions.”

“So go get a therapist, get some work done on yourself and give me a call in a few weeks or a month or so when you feel ready. If I’m still available, we can go on a date. That’s all I can promise you, is one date, but your behavior is not acceptable. Until you feel like you can handle it, I don’t want to hear from you. I want you to work on yourself, get your shit together and get your life in order, because if I do give you another chance and the same thing happens again, I’m going to block you and we’re never going to speak again, because I don’t want to deal with somebody that’s got emotional or mental issues or whatever. Then on top of that, is not willing to do anything to fix themselves. I need a mature adult, a teammate. Not an immature little child. You’re acting like an immature little child. You’re being ridiculous. You need to look at it from my perspective. It’s not a loving thing to put your boyfriend through this crap to be saying along that things are great and then have a freak out and end the relationship. Then a few days later when you just come back into my life like, ‘Hey, no big deal. Sorry I broke up with you for a few days.’ It’s absurd and I’m not going to put up with it.”

“So go get a good therapist. When you feel ready, get in touch with me, but I don’t want to hear from you until you’re working on this. Other than that, I wish you all the best. I had a great time, but I’m just not going to put up with this shit. You got to fix yourself.” Again, as Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.”

I understand that throughout the relationship, I probably lowered her attraction level, but nevertheless it’s hard for me to ignore how much she was attracted to me. She was in love with me, bought me gifts all the time, at any given moment she had free time she would call me and we would have sex all the time.

I would really appreciate your advice and how do you think I should proceed from here?

Thank you in advance!!

Bob

Well I’ve already told you what I thought. That’s how I would handle it in this case. Again, if she’s not willing to go get a good therapist and fix herself, then this shit’s just going to continue. I mean, there’s 6.5 billion people on the planet or 7 billion, whatever the hell it is these days. Maybe 7.5 billion. Half of them are women. There are other girls out there that got their shit together. You don’t want to be in a relationship with a yo-yo. It’s not healthy and it’s not fun because things are sailing along good, then all of a sudden now you’re dealing with a breakup, and then all of a sudden you’re back together. Things seem good for a while, then all of a sudden there’s a breakup. Now you’re suffering and dealing with the pain of a breakup again. That’s not loving, that’s abusive. You’re enabling her behavior because you’re tolerating it. Therefore, you’re inviting more of it.

So your boundary is, “You got to get a therapist, you got to fix yourself. I don’t want to hear from you until you feel like you’ve got it together or you can handle it, because if I give you one more chance, we start dating and you do this shit all over again, then I’m just going to block you, and we’re not going to speak again. You’re not going to be able to get access to me because I don’t want to be in a relationship with somebody that behaves this way. It’s not normal. It’s not healthy. It’s totally dysfunctional and fucked up, and I don’t want to put up with it. I deserve better, and you need to treat me better and appreciate me more, because the way you’ve acted is just unacceptable.”

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