If She’s Fresh Out Of A Breakup Expect Hot & Cold Behavior

Why hot & cold behavior is normal if you’re dating a woman fresh out of a breakup.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s dating a woman fresh out of breakup of a 10 year relationship. After several weeks she went from texting him multiple times a day to radio silence for a week now. He plans on waiting until she’s back from vacation to reach out, but he’s worried about not hearing from her at all. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “If She’s Fresh Out Of A Breakup Expect Hot & Cold Behavior”.

Well, this particular emails from a viewer who he started dating a woman she was fresh out of a ten year relationship. So that’s a long time to be with somebody. And so they were dating for several weeks, and she was like texting him multiple times a day. He said, love bombing her, basically. And apparently she’s on a vacation for about two weeks. And so this was about a week into her being on vacation.

She’s texting him, sending them nudes and stuff like that, all throughout the day. And all of a sudden a whole week with radio silence. And now he’s kind of worried that, “Uh oh, I haven’t heard from her in a whole week. She was texting me multiple times a day. Now a week’s gone by. I haven’t heard a peep out of her.” So he’s clearly getting a little worried, a little fearful.

But I mean, it says right in the book that if you’re going to date a woman fresh out of a breakup, you should expect hot and cold behavior. Because more than likely, when you consider about 70%, 75% of the time women are doing the dumping, filing for divorce, etc. then more than likely she dumped him and the guy probably wants her back, wants to stay together.

And oftentimes, if the guy was the one that did the dumping, then what you’re typically going to see is that when he doesn’t find anybody else after like 90 days, then he’s going to be like, uh oh. And he’s going to want to go back to what he had. So that’s possible as well. So if you’re dating a woman fresh out of a breakup and she gets a little cold, you just got to let her be.

And then you go back to the once a week rule that’s in the book. You don’t hear from her for a week, because he says he’s going to wait until he knows she’s back in town, and then he’s going to reach out to set the date, which is the correct thing to do from the book. But he’s still clearly worried that, uh oh, I feel like I’m losing her Coach.

Viewer Email:

Hi Corey,

It’s not the first time I’m writing you, you’ve already answered two of my emails, and your guidance has helped me improve a lot over the years. Dating nowadays still isn’t easy, though, even as I get better. This situation is about a girl I met in a pretty romantic way, on a train. for context I am 35 and she’s 28. She made a comment, we talked for a few minutes, and I got her number.

We had our first date a few days later, great chemistry, kissed, everything flowed. From that point on, she did 100% of the initiating, and I was simply setting dates. She was messaging me multiple times every day, sending photos of her day, being very affectionate and sexual. It was intense, but I liked that it made things easy, her interest seemed pretty high.

Well, you’ve also got to remember she’s obviously on the rebound.

About three weeks in, and before spending a whole weekend at my place, she brought up what I was expecting from the relationship. I returned the question to her.

Because, as the book says, whoever is asking the questions is the one running the conversation.

And she said she wasn’t ready for anything serious yet. She came out of a 10-year relationship about a year and a half ago.

Okay, so it’s been a year and a half. It wasn’t like just a few weeks ago.

And they were still on and off until four months before we met.

Okay so there it is. So the ex is not out of the picture. Ten years together and they were off and on until about four months ago. I would have to say, if I’m a betting man, I would say that’s not completely over with yet. And this is to be expected.

Her dad was also an alcoholic and passed away early on. So she clearly has some unresolved emotional trauma. I told her I wasn’t in a rush and that keeping things open and going slow was fine. The following week she came to my place twice, we got closer, hooked up, and everything felt easy. Then I left for a week of travel, and she left for two weeks in Sri Lanka. During the first week apart, she absolutely love-bombed me, emotional texts, sexual texts, photos, saying she missed me sexually and emotionally. It was intense but enjoyable. I kept my responses short and never chased.

Well, you may have come off like too much of like a cold fish. Like you didn’t really want to hear from her and were kind of blowing her off, almost like you didn’t care. So you know, if something like that, if she’s away for two weeks and she’s texting, you just do like a maybe an hour long video date once a week when she’s away. If she’s texting you that much and she’s like, “Oh, hey, you know what? Let’s catch up. Why don’t we do a quick video date sometime this week? I’d love to see your face and hear about your trip.”

That’s what I would have done there. But if your responses are short, like you’re just trying to get away, and she could feel that, that might be why she just all of a sudden disappeared. Because she felt like, “Oh, this guy doesn’t care about me.” She’s like, “He doesn’t even want to hear from me.”

Then at the end of week one of her trip, right after being extremely sexual over text, she suddenly went completely silent.

So it could have been you were being too cold. And it also could be that the ex is, now she’s talking to him again. Which is a high, there’s a high likelihood of that.

It has now been six days without one message. She only sent a Spotify song mid-week, but no text with it. For someone who messaged me daily for five weeks, the switch from very high interest to nothing has been drastic. I haven’t messaged her at all. I assume she might be hooking up with someone abroad and that anything I send now would land flat.

I’m planning to wait for her to come back and see whether she initiates. Here is my actual question. This girl and I have extremely strong chemistry. She showed very high interest very quickly. But she also has a messy breakup history, unresolved trauma, doesn’t want anything serious, at least for now, and now has pulled away dramatically on her trip.

Well, again, maybe she met some dude on her trip and is banging him. That’s totally possible. She’s on the rebound. So she’s talking to you. We have to assume she’s definitely talking to the ex. And if she’s on a trip like that and it looks like you might have been too cold and treated her like you just didn’t care, she may have met somebody else who was more attentive, who was more present.

Is this the kind of woman I should keep seeing and give a chance to, using your principles and letting her come to me?

Or should I avoid the drama, accept the red flags for what they are, and move on before getting hurt?

Why not? Because you definitely need the experience. You like her. She likes you, but it’s still early, so just treat it as one of the girls you’re dating and seeing. She made it clear she wasn’t looking for a relationship. She’s not ready to be exclusive, and especially with the boyfriend in the background, if you have some additional girls that you’re dating and talking to, it’ll help you not get all hung up and come off as clingy and smother her. Those kinds of things. Because you clearly like the girl. Maybe more than she likes you.

Curious to hear your read on this dynamic.

Thanks again for everything you do.

Bob

So what I would do is, because again, you were only dating for three, four weeks, it’s not a long time. Then when you know she’s back in town, I would reach out to her and say, “Hey you. Hope your trip was great. I’d really love to see you and catch up and hear all about it. When are you free to get together?” That’s what I would say. Now she waits 24 hours to reply to that. Probably somebody else or the ex-boyfriend is back in the picture. If she replies right away with enthusiasm, then that’s a good sign.

So the only thing I think, I can’t know for sure, it’s just, you know, when she’s sending you all these pictures and going on and on and you’re just kind of cold and indifferent to it, you may have come off as like you were annoyed with her and didn’t want to hear from her. Because that’s the only thing that could have happen. Or again, she ran into somebody else.

And because her emotions are all over the place, her ex-boyfriend could have called her and had a long emotional call. And now she’s talking to him every day. You just don’t know. So the best thing to do is just hang back, give it a few days when you know she’s back in town, see if she reaches out, and if she doesn’t, then I’d reach out to her, just like I said earlier with that message, and see if she makes a date. Because that’ll tell you everything about where she’s at.

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