If She’s Not Ready For A Relationship Do I Slow Down, Stop Or Back Off?

How to know when to slow down, stop or back off if she’s not ready for a relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from another cherry picker who has watched my videos for awhile, but just now started reading the book. He shares a story of a girl he met and things started off great since she picked him up. However, since he didn’t know the book, he stopped moving forward completely and went into no contact when she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship after telling him she was looking for a long term relationship. He completely misinterpreted what she meant and I explain what he should have done differently. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “If She’s Not Ready For A Relationship Do I Slow Down, Stop Or Back Off?”

Well, this particular email is from a guy who he’s a cherry picker. He’s been watching my videos for a while, but just now started reading The Book. And so he shares a story about a girl he met about a month or so ago, and they saw each other a couple times. She actually came up to him, I think it was a concert or something, and put like a bracelet on his hand that actually had her phone number on it. And so he started texting and talking and he started kind of gushing around her.

But again, he was cherry picking. He didn’t know The Book. And so as they started dating, she’s like, “Well, what are you looking for?” And he says, “Well, I’m looking for a long term monogamous relationship.” She says she’s looking for the same thing. And then shortly thereafter she says, “Oh, I saw my ex with a new girl. And I realized, I’m not really ready for a relationship yet.” And, I mean, I think they had one date, maybe two dates at that point.

And then so he walks away thinking it’s over, because again, he doesn’t know The Book, didn’t take the time to learn it. And so he’s been in No Contact for a month now. She’s watching his stories on Instagram and stuff, but she hasn’t reached out. And so this guy, because he didn’t really take the time to learn The Book and it’s still not clicking on him.

He stopped moving forward. The idea with The Book is, is that you’re creating the conditions where you’re taking measured steps, where you’re taking just one date per week, per girl, and that’s it. In other words, you’re going to pursue in the beginning.

And once she starts calling you, texting you usually after the second or third date, by the time you guys have slept together, she’ll reach out a day or two after your last date, and then you just assume she wants to see you, and then you make the next date. And from that point forward, you’re mostly just waiting to hear from her and then making the next date, and then kind of matching and mirroring her level of interest and effort.

And so this guy kind of misinterpreted her behavior and then backed off completely before they really got started thinking that she’s just going to start doing all the pursuing, because, again, he was cherry picking. So let’s see what we can do to help this guy turn things around. Because it’s been a month since he spoke to this girl, and so he completely misinterpreted what he should do.

Because The Book says the fallback position is, if, say the girl starts reaching out and you go out on a couple of dates, and then she stops reaching out to you. If you haven’t heard from her in a week, then you’re going to reach out. So that’s kind of where he missed that.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

I have a situation I’m curious to hear your take on. I’ve been watching your videos for a while now and recently picked up the 3% Man AudioBook. I’ve gone through it probably 6 or 7 times at this point and continue to listen to it every day, although I know I have plenty more to experience and learn from.

Well, just think how much better your life would have been if you had taken me seriously, and because you could have gotten through it 10 to 15 times already by now. But it’s usually the sting of rejection and pain. Because pain is life’s change agent. It’s life’s way of saying that what you’re doing is fucking wrong and you need to change your approach. So this guy is in pain. He came back to The Book, or actually he came to The Book for the first time. But now that he’s a month on from this, it’s still not really clicking with him what he should do.

I was at the Renaissance Fair with my friends and was approached by a girl. She walked up to me, put a bracelet on my arm and walked away. I barely even saw her. But the bracelet had her phone number on it.

So I guess maybe at first, maybe he’s probably drinking. I know those Renaissance Fairs are what they’re like. They can be a lot of fun. And so this girl comes up and puts one on him, and he probably didn’t even look at it till later and realized, “Oh shit, that’s her phone number.” It’s like, that’s pretty sly because then she doesn’t have to risk rejection. She just comes up, puts a bracelet on your arm, and then walks away and you realize, “Oh, that’s her phone number. Oh, obviously she thinks I’m cute. Well, let me see about this girl.”

I was amazed. I texted the number and we started chatting. She said that was the only bracelet she gave out for the whole day. Since I didn’t really remember what she looked like, I asked for her Instagram.

Well, that’s kind of smart actually, because it probably happened so quick. The girl was probably nervous. She’s probably with a group of her girlfriends and did it and then, you know, ran away. That’s kind of how they are. But it’s cute that’s how she does it. And obviously you passed her physical attraction test, so congratulations.

I thought she was really cute, so I asked her when she was free and set up a date. We went bowling, had dinner and walked around afterwards. I didn’t find a moment to kiss her, but we had a great time.

Well, you should always do it at the end of the date at least. But I mean, it’s pretty clear that she liked you. But the other thing is, you got to think of the logistics of sex. What if things go better than you expect? Because instead of walking around, you went bowling, you had dinner and then walked around afterwards, I would have probably gone to dinner and then maybe done the bowling afterwards. Because the idea is you’re trying to facilitate physical interaction and something like bowling or shooting pool, or throwing darts or throwing axes, or Top Golf or miniature golf, or Dave and Buster’s playing video games, and go carts, those kinds of things, those facilitate physical interaction.

And that’s why wherever you go last, if you’re shooting pool and playing darts and you’re kicking our ass. You can tease her. She’s going to punch you playfully. She can bump into you. If she doesn’t know how to hold her pool cue properly, you can put your arms around her and show her how to do it. It facilitates the touch barrier and so the girl experiences is just a very natural thing. It just happens naturally. You don’t touch it first, you touch later on in the date. And most women will if you follow the process properly, that’s in The Book.

Usually you got to spend about 4 or 5 hours with them, and by the time you spent 4 or 5 hours, you’re at the third place. Say you’re at the bowling venue and you’re beating her. You start making out there if you’re touching her, if you have to show her how to hold a bowling ball or whatever, if you give her tips or if you’re, you know, usually the bowling alleys also have video games and stuff like that, at least the nice ones do. And so it just facilitates physical interaction. And plus it’s not a real expensive type of date to go on, typically.

Especially for you guys that are on a budget. You got to think of those things. You don’t want to break the bank on your first date and be like, “Shit, I just blew my whole dating wad in the first night and I didn’t even get a kiss.” So he had things a little bit backwards. The bowling should have been at the end, the physical activity. So ideally you meet for a drink, like a wine bar or it’s like perfect or a nice upscale coffee place that maybe he’s got some music or something like that, and hang out and have some conversation. If you’re at like say, a wine bar, which I think wine bars are, if you’re on a first date, and you’re not sure about the girl, that’s like the best.

Because you can get away with a glass or two of wine, and then if it’s not going well, then you can dip. But if it goes well, you can say, “Hey, there’s this great place down the street, let’s walk over there, or let’s take a taxi or the train or the bus or whatever. It’s five minutes away and eat.” And then you have a nice meal together, and then afterwards you have some kind of fun physical activity, miniature golf or throwing axes or something like that. To where you can interact physically and then that starts to touching, and then touching leads to heavy petting and kissing and making out.

And “Hey, let’s get out of here or go back to my place and pop a bottle of champagne and hop in the Jacuzzi or whatever.” So you got to think about those things. So that’s one little tweak I would do differently next time around. But hey, this is how you learn. Granted, he hasn’t been a great student, but this is how you learn. So he kind of had things a little out of sequence. But this is what happens. We don’t really read The Book. You’re just cherry picking in the videos. You kind of can’t really. Oh, was it bowling first? Does it come last? You don’t really understand the philosophy of why you’re doing these things.

She texted me when she got home saying she definitely wanted to go on more dates with me. This girl was aggressively pursuing me. She had been texting me multiple times per day since we met.

Well, you should be seeing her. So this is the idea. Most guys don’t get to this place right away, but her interest is super high. I would say it’s a 7 or 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. Based on her behavior, she came up to him, put her number on his arm and then quickly left because she was nervous. So she obviously liked him. And she starts texting you every day. That usually doesn’t happen for several weeks in most guys cases. So if you go out on a date and she’s texting you, telling you about, “Oh, she can’t wait to have more dates with you.” It’s like, “Great, when are you free to get together?” And then you make the next date. Hang out, have fun, hook up.

If you hang out, you have fun and you hook up and then she calls you or texts you the next day telling you how amazing it was and how much she loves being with you. It’s like, “Well, you know, let’s get together, have some more fun. When are you available?” “Well, I’m not doing anything tonight.” It was like, “Great, come over, we’ll make dinner together.” Whatever it happens to be. But one thing you don’t want to do, which I see a lot of guys do, is they’ll take a girl out for a couple of dates, and then once they start hooking up, then they get lazy and then, they just, she’s always coming over to the house, and most of the time they don’t do anything.

And she comes over, they hang out, they watch a movie, they Netflix and chill. And then after a while it’s okay at first, but after a while the girl starts thinking, “I’m just his booty call.” And so you’ve got to go out on dates. You’ve got to have fun. You got to kind of mix it up a little bit. But guys start getting access to the pussy and they’re like, “Ah, I just worked all week. My girl can come over on Friday night, drain my balls dry, hang out with her over the weekend, and then Monday through Friday I can be full tilt boogie on my mission and my purpose.” But to women, if you do that, they’ll start to think, “I’m just a fucking weekend booty call. He only calls me when he wants a release. He only wants to see me when he wants to release.”

And if you’ve been hanging out and having fun and hooking up and you’re kind of dating and she’s texting you at night. “Hey, what are you doing?” It’s like, “Come over.” You can just invite her over to hang out, because most of the time, she’s going to want to be with you and stay with you, but you got to have at least one date night a week. If you don’t have kids, you’re not married. You’re just hanging out. You got to have at least one date night a week where you take her out and you go do something where you made plans.

The rest of the time, she can be coming over and hanging out, staying the night or whatever, making dinner at home. Because as you get into a long term relationship, you’re going to be doing that most of the time anyways. But the fact what women want to see and what makes them feel safe because they want to be in a love story, is that you continue to plan dates where there’s some thought involved, whether it’s getting a babysitter, if you got kids, or just making a dinner reservation or coming up with different things she’s never experienced, and maybe you’ve never been there to take her to and go do things.

I mean, in every city, what’s amazing is you got Google Maps, there’s always some kind of cool Historic place or a house that was built over 100 years ago that they have antiques or somebody famous lived there, or some famous Inventor or Politician or Astronaut grew up there or whatever. And there’s Historical artifacts. It’s like every city that’s been around for a couple of hundred years has stuff like that, and those things are usually very inexpensive. And so for you guys that are on a budget, it makes it easy and it’s creative and it’s just interesting stuff.

I mean, you go into these little miniature Museums and you see all this stuff from 100, 150 years ago. It’s pretty fascinating. And usually the people that are the caretakers of those places are really into it. And their wealth of knowledge and information, it can be fun to go because you learn, your girl learns. It’s just fun to do stuff like that. It’s an adventure. And she likes it because she never knows where you’re going to take her next, even if it’s just once a week, you do something like that.

She was always the one to initiate conversations. Even before our first date, she told me in a roundabout way that she wanted to “Watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” at my place, although she’d want to wait until after the first date. I told her I liked the enthusiasm. A few days later, I asked her when she’d be free to get together, and she said the only day would be Saturday, on which she planned to go back to the Renaissance Fair. I told her I’d be happy to join her if she wanted company, and she said yes. I let her know I bought my ticket, to which she replied, “you are so cute”.

So he’s kind of sloppy here. He should have made a definite date because the girl is calling and texting him every day. But he’s not making dates and for whatever reason, three days later, probably because he was being a bit of a robot thinking, “I must only go on one date per week”, but if you don’t read The Book 10 to 15 times you don’t understand the flow. She’s ready to go a lot faster, but he’s trying to overlay something he saw in a video. Because again, at this point, he hadn’t even read The Book yet. So he’s making mistakes.

She clearly wanted to hang out. He could have already had 2 or 3 dates by then. But what more than likely happened is he spent too much time talking and texting and Snapchatting or whatever it was he was messaging her with, and he’s probably tried to crack jokes and said things to her that turned her off, and the illusion of mystery started to evaporate and her interest started to go down instead of up. And here he’s basically agreeing to adjoin her, to accompany her to the Renaissance Fair when I assume she’s going with other people.

Two days before the date, I noticed she hadn’t texted me at all, which was certainly out of character.

Yeah, because probably her interest was dropping at this point. This is again, I say the phone is for setting dates, it’s detailed in The Book why. But he never read The Book up until this point. So he’s making mistakes because he’s getting mixed up in his head with what he sees in videos which are referencing what’s in The Book. But he didn’t take the time to learn The Book. You know, you’re going to make unnecessary mistakes like this guy is.

I texted her the next day asking her if everything was okay, and luckily she replied.

You never, ever text a girl. “Is everything okay?” That shows you’re a little insecure and you’re a little worried and you’re fearful. It’s the opposite of confidence. And if a girl’s interest is already dropping and you start texting her or something like that, it’s not good. Don’t fucking do that.

She said she was just busy the day before.

Reality was her interest wasn’t that high in this guy because he probably texted her and talked her out of liking him because his game was sloppy.

Finally, we met at the Fair again. We had a fantastic time and were teasing and joking with each other all day. Towards the end of the date, she started up the “what are we” talk.

It’s like, “What are we?” I was like, that’s really kind of two dates in. I was like, “What are we, what are we, where do you see this going?” It’s like, “What do you mean, what are we?” “Well, we’re on date number two and we are having a great time. And you look really cute. And by the way, your lips look a little dry. Let me moisten them up for you.”

Asking me about my dating intentions and that sort of thing. I wish I had studied the book more because I probably should’ve been more mysterious here. I told her I was looking for a long term monogamous relationship. She told me she was looking for the same thing, and even told me she saw me as potential boyfriend material. However, things got weird after this.

It’s just. It’s too much too soon. Again, if he’d had known The Book, as he said, he would have handled it better.

Apparently, recently she saw her ex with a new girl, and it made her feel like she wasn’t ready for a new relationship. She told me she doesn’t want to friend-zone me or put me on hold, because she’s driven away guys in the past by doing this. I didn’t say much in that moment, but I told her I really appreciated her honesty.

Let me let’s back up a little bit here. He says. “I told her I was looking for a long term monogamous relationship.” So if she’s like, well, she doesn’t want to put me in friend zone or on hold or just like, hey, I mean, ultimately I’m looking for long term relationship and you are too. But it’s like, this is our second date. We barely know each other. I mean, I like you, you obviously like me. We’re just getting to know each other. We’re kind of in the talking stage, so let’s not worry about it.

Let’s see where we are in a few weeks or a month or so, and then we can kind of readdress this conversation then. Because this early on, I mean, we’re kind of on our second date and we haven’t even kissed yet. So I don’t know. I don’t know, you seem exciting, you seem interesting, but I don’t know, you could be crazy as hell, but I like what I see so far. So why don’t we just kind of take it slow, not be in a rush, and just see how things develop, let it develop naturally. Kind of like a love story we see in the movies.

I felt blindsided. Not even an hour before this, she was telling me details about her body that I won’t disclose here… but let’s just say I don’t think she’d give that info to just anybody.

Well, she’s definitely down to fuck, but you didn’t know what you were doing. You didn’t have any game, you didn’t know how to advance things, and you’re kind of leaving things up in the air. And now you’re thinking, “Oh, well, I guess we’re not going to be in a relationship now.”

Earlier in the date, I noticed she had Hinge on her phone, so after she told me about the ex thing, I asked her about it. She said she had dates with two other guys coming up, although she might cancel them.

Well if she says that, it’s like, “Well, obviously you should definitely cancel them because those guys aren’t as handsome, as charming as I am of course. You didn’t give them a friendship bracelet with your number on it. You gave me the bracelet.”

I told her I usually just focus on one person when dating, but she’s free to do whatever she wants. Although now I realize I probably shouldn’t have confronted her about this at all, and once again should’ve been more mysterious about my intentions this early on.

So he wrote this email after all this happened. This is after he’s now started going through The Book. Because keep in mind, when this was actually happening, he hadn’t gone through The Book, he was just a cherry picker. And so now after the fact, he’s looking back upon it, realizing, “Ah. I probably should have done things a little different.”

Even after having this conversation about how she’s unsure, I felt motivated to kiss her. So I did, and she kissed me back.

Oh, God, I can’t believe it, she kissed you back! What a shock.

Even though I was nervous as hell, my lips were dry, and I hadn’t kissed anyone in years, I’m so glad I went for it.

See, this is why I tell you guys to read The Book 10 to 15 times. Because you never know when you’re going to be at a Renaissance Festival and you’re having a blast with your boys, and some cute girl comes up, puts her phone number on your arm, and then quickly scurries off. And so fast you didn’t even really get a chance to see what she really looks like or remember. Probably because you’ve been drinking too much. Because that’s what we do at these Renaissance Fairs, which can be a lot of fun.

I literally walked off into the sunset back to my car. When she got home, she thanked me for the date. She sent me a few pictures we had taken of us together. I simply replied, “We do look quite nice together.” It’s been about a month since then and I haven’t contacted her at all.

So that tells me he hasn’t heard from her. She was texting him all the time. And so what happened? His game sucked and he talked and texted her out of liking him. And he was probably a little too serious too soon when they were together. So the fact that it’s been a month and he hasn’t heard from her when she was that hot for him, she was down to fuck right away. He could have probably fucked her in the first night, but he was inexperienced. He hadn’t gone through The Book.

So, this is what happens. “Oh, I got this. I watched a few videos.” And then you messed things up. This is when you realize, “Damn, I should have read the fucking book. I should have listened to that shaved head prick on YouTube after all. He was right.” I haven’t liked any of her posts or viewed her stories, although she’s been viewing mine and she liked the post I had made. It’s been difficult. If you hadn’t heard from her, you should have called or texted her a week later.

We still follow each other on Instagram. I haven’t liked any of her posts or viewed her stories, although she’s been viewing mine and she liked a post I had made. It’s been difficult. She even posted about a concert she had told me about and was wearing a pair of boots she bought on our first date. It took a lot of self control to not comment “nice boots.”  

Well, you shouldn’t be fan-girling on Social Media thinking you got to drool all over her on her social media posts. Your job is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. And hang out, have fun, hook up. Get to the fucking point and make a damn date. This is where you went wrong. This girl was excitedly texting you those first several days and you were just going. “I must not make more than two dates in a week. I can’t. I can’t do anything, I must wait.” He didn’t know what he was doing, and he probably cracked jokes, and the jokes didn’t land. And the more she talked to him, the more she kind of realized that he didn’t know what the hell he was doing.

I’m trying to just be thankful for this experience, stay detached & move on with my life, but it’s not easy. Am I doing the right thing by not engaging with her posts?

The phone is for setting dates, and you are doing the right thing by not engaging with her posts.

She’s not an ex, but I’m assuming No Contact still applies.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. What you do is appreciated.

Bob

Dude, you didn’t date her. No Contact does not factor in this at all. You completely misread and misinterpreted the situation. All that should have happened was after you kissed her goodbye, if you didn’t hear from her for a week, then you can reach out a week later. You call her or you text her, say, “Hey, you, I want to see you. What’s your schedule like this coming week?” And then let her tell you, and then you make a date, hang out, have fun, hook up. Think about the logistics of sex. You got to plan all these things out. Ideally, you want to go to three different places, and the last place that you’re going to go is the place that can help facilitate physical interactions.

Something where she has to touch you. Bowling, throwing darts, shooting pool, go karts, kicking her ass in video games. Throwing axes, maybe one of those rage rooms where you’re breaking shit up. I mean, if the girl is all in nice heals and hot, and you went to a nice dinner, obviously you’re probably not going to go to one of those things. But if you were doing something kind of casual and she’s in sneakers and yoga pants and a cute top or something like that. Yeah, a rage room would be kind of cool. But the point being is that you want to go somewhere where physical interaction is facilitated by whatever the activity is, and that’s the last place that you go.

Because then from there, if you’re kissing and you’re all over each other, then you can say, “Hey, let’s get out of here and go back to my place and open a bottle of wine. And if she says, “No, let’s hang out here. Let’s have another drink.” Then you hang out there, have another drink, and maybe 45 minutes later, when you’re all over each other again, then you ask her, “Hey, you want to go open that bottle of wine? Or, hey, we should get out of here and go open that bottle of wine.” And by then, she’ll probably be. “Yeah, let’s do it.” But if not, you continue to stay. It’s the trial close. Again. This is all laid out in The Book.

But, you know, this is why I say you got to read it 10 to 15 times. If you’re watching this video but you still haven’t read The Book, well, that means you’re a paying subscriber, which I appreciate, but you’ve got to read The Book. It’s in the Members Area of the Website. If you’re a Paying Member on the Website, you can Read It For Free. If you’re a free Member on the Website, you can Read The Book For Free. I mean, there’s no reason not to learn this. Don’t wait until, like this guy did. Because obviously, you know, by this point he’s reading the email going, “Oh fuck, I totally fucked up here.”

It’s quite possible she got back together with the ex, and maybe that’s why you didn’t hear from her. So you may reach out to her, and she may tell you that she’s dating the ex, or maybe one of the other guys. Or remember she had two dates set up with Hinge guys. So she probably went on those dates and maybe one or both of those guys plowed her strawberry fields because their game was a little tighter. Maybe they had read The Book and you didn’t. So they got the pussy and you’re sitting around here No Contact a month later, after having talked her out of really liking you.

I mean, this girl, those are strong choosing signals. That girl came right up to you and put her number on your arm and then scurried away. That doesn’t happen very often. But it seems like this guy had been kind of out of circulation and out of dating for a while, and then it wasn’t until a girl showed up in his life he was like, “Oh boy, oh man, I should have read that Book.” And now, obviously, because he’s gone through The Book a bunch of times, he’s starting to realize that.

So if it was me, I would definitely reach out to her and say, “Hey, you. I want to see you, or I’d love to see you. Or, hey, I want to see you and catch up.” And make a date. Hang out, have fun. Hook up. And by this point, you’ve already read The Book multiple times, so you should have a better understanding of what to do. But the ex might be in the picture. She may have gotten serious with one of those other dudes. It’s like you just don’t know. But she is interacting with your Social Media, so there is some level of interest on her part towards you.

So that’s possible. But I mean, you haven’t heard from her in a whole month, so I would get back in there and try to make a date with her and hang and just treat it like the first date, hang out, have fun, hook up, think about the logistics of sex. And if you go back out on a date with her, she should find a more confident version of you and a guy that has a lot more swagger than the last time you hung out with her, because now you’ve been through The Book 6 or 7 times, as you said. So good luck with that one.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.