If They Refuse To Change Or Treat You Right You Must Move On

Why you must move on & find someone else if they refuse to change or treat you right.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who is contemplating going back to an abusive ex despite the fact she refuses to change and treat him properly. The 2nd email is from a viewer who finally had enough and ended a one-sided relationship with a woman who wouldn’t pull her own weight. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “If They Refuse To Change Or Treat You Right You Must Move On.”

Well, I got two different emails from two different viewers today. The first one is from a guy who basically is contemplating going back to his abusive ex, despite the fact she flat out refused to change, and treat him properly. And so now he’s been in No Contact for a couple of weeks, and now he’s thinking about going back to her as if that’s going to change her behavior.

If he goes back to her when he walked away telling her that she needed to change her behavior and then he goes back, she ain’t going to change. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it, and he doesn’t really mean it. So if he goes back, he’s enabling her behavior. And so the second email is from a viewer who finally had enough and ended a one sided relationship with a woman who just wouldn’t pull her own weight.

She didn’t even have her own car. I guess she didn’t have much money or didn’t work. He was always doing things for her, and he’s like, I need somebody that’s a teammate, not somebody that I’m like, carrying. It’s like having another adult child to take care of. So let’s go through the first guy’s email, see what’s going on.

First Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I hope you are well. I can’t find much for my scenario in the book or YouTube. I would really appreciate your advice. Been in No Contact for six weeks after a breakup that was emotionally and sexually intense on both sides. Before this final break up we had been on an off for a several months before and it was always because I would not progress further in the relationship.

She had not passed my vetting process due to how she would mood swing or speak to me when she was frustrated, I made it clear I would not progress further until this improved, but she said she would not improve until she feels safe in this relationship and that I am not just an “fuck boy”.

So she’s saying, well, I’ll be nice to you if we become exclusive. In other words, I’m going to continue to be abusive towards you and you got to put up with it. That’s basically her attitude. And when you stay and you put up with it, whatever you tolerate, you invite more of. So your actions are literally communicating to her that you’re okay with it because you stick around and you put up with it. Probably because the sex is good. Usually the crazier they are, the better the sex is.

We were constantly having sex, that literally was the only thing keeping us addicted to each other.

Well, I would say you were probably the one that was mostly addicted here.

During the temporary splits she was always the one to reach out to me first, normally after 2 to 7 days. The final break up she asked me to leave her place, but she kept reaching out for sex or to ask to talk, by this point I was so fed up of doing this cycle, back then at least, that I did not agree to go over on all of the several times that she had asked because I actually wanted progression in my life situation and at this point I just thought it was toxic.

Dude, it is toxic and it’s not healthy. And when a woman refuses to treat you properly and says, “oh, well, you got to be exclusive with me and you got to agree to be my boyfriend, then I’ll be nice to you. Otherwise I’m going to be a bitch.” It’s like. I don’t think so. That’s absurd.

On the last day we texted we had been back and forth for three days over messages and during an argument I sent a final message that was quite harsh, telling her that she was manipulative and cruel and it was a lesson learned for me.

Well, probably you were being honest because that was the truth.

And I told her how I felt about everything and how I saw it all.

So he’s expecting her to change. He wants her to change. He obviously likes a lot of things about her, but she’s flat out refusing. And to stay thinking that you’re going to change her, you’re going to fix her, or you’re going to get her to comply with being nice to you is just kind of delusional. Because you got plenty, plenty of time together. He didn’t say how long they were together, though.

She responded with making some points on what I said and finished it off saying she still hoped there might be a better time for us.

Well, it takes two. She’s not willing to change how she treats you. It’s like it’s just going to stay the same. And by you sticking around, you communicate and you teach her that you’re okay with it. Why would she change her behavior if you keep putting up with it, and you keep going back to her.

I did not respond to this as there were no questions, and I was done with this endless texting getting nowhere and I felt I had said my bit. Now it’s been a stretch of silence.

Well, this is the part where walking away and meaning it comes into effect. So he’s walked away. He thought she was going to cave and she hasn’t. And now he’s starting to second guess himself.

I was fine for all the weeks leading up to this, now I am missing her and it’s really eating at me that I did not take the opportunities back then.

What? To go hang out with her and get abused. It’s like, come on man, you gotta have some self-respect.

I have come to the realization that I am not going to get a text from her now, which has been a hard realization. Originally, I was doing really well but I made the stupid mistake of checking her social media and seeing her pretend she is all fine, and this has thrown me off.

Rejection breeds obsession.

I am now racking my brain torturing myself thinking I should have said yes at the times she asked to see me, and how I never responded to her last message “that she will always see me as the biggest loss of her life and will always hope that there will be a better time for us”.

Well, there’s not going to be a better time unless she commits to changing. And so far you’ve seen zero evidence of that. As a matter of fact, she told you flat out ain’t no way she’s changing. Probably because she always knows that you’ve been the biggest fucking pussy and you put up with it and you always come back. And so that’s probably what she expects, is that you’ll continue to put up with it, because, quite frankly, you always have. So why should she change? You’re not serious about walking away and meaning it.

I am really nervous reaching out as I think this could backfire and it will really get to her head, and she could be very tactical about it and jerk me around.

Well, again, I promise you, if you go back, you’re going back in your word. You’re not being congruent with your word and she’s going to be nastier and bitchier because she doesn’t trust your masculine core, because you didn’t have the balls to stand up for yourself and put her in her place and refuse to engage with her unless she promised to make changes. I mean, she flat out refused. And yet, if you go back, I mean, that’s why, you know, it’s got you nervous. Because, you know, if you go back, it’s just going to get worse. Because now you’re telling her that you’re not serious. You don’t mean the things you say. And that’s what a beta male does.

She is now back in touch with one of her friends (a woman – who was causing us issues when we first started seeing each other and she knew I was not a big fan of) she made a point of posting that on her social media, so I know this woman will be telling her not to go back.

Well, you’re on her social media viewing her stories, and so she knows that you’re still thirsty for her. So you’re making it that part of the reason why she’s probably not come back is that she sees that you’re creeping on her social media, and she’s posting things purposely to send you messages because she knows you’re watching, because you just can’t look away.

My ex also is the type of person that may want to make it hard for me or could be cold now if she has had a load of validation since.

Well, are you going back to her or watching her stories continues to validate her and her behavior. And so why should she change?

So I just want to know explicitly if reaching out to her now gives me the best chance of getting her back or if continuing No Contact gives the best chance?

Thank you.

Bob 

Well, if you go back to her, she may hang out and have fun and hook up with you, but her behavior is not going to change. The reasons why you broke up with her is not going to change, because you didn’t mean it when you walked away. You walked away for a little bit and now you’re seeing, oh, she’s not reaching after me. She’s not coming back. She’s not willing to change. Well, I might as well go put up with the abuse. If you go back to her and you reach out and you break No Contact, then she’s going to know that she can walk all over you, and her behavior will actually get worse, because you are too weak to stand up for yourself and your convictions.

No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. If you want her to change, the only way it’s going to happen is if she realizes and gets to feel what it’s like to completely lose you and not hear anything from you. Stop watching her fucking stories and validating her that way, because every time you do, she sees that you are watching them and she knows you’re paying attention because you’re still thirsty and you’re still interested. But if you just disappear and you no longer watch your stories or interact with them, and she hasn’t heard from you, and the weeks go by.

If there’s a chance she will change her attitude towards you, she’ll reach out. And if not, she might just stubbornly ride off into the sunset. But if you go back to her, you’re enabling your behavior. You’re asking for it to get worse. So pull your head out of your ass, dude, and have some self-respect. You don’t get what you deserve in life. You only get what you negotiate. And you’re contemplating being a really weak negotiator. She’ll never respect you as a man if you go groveling back to her when she knows she’s the one that was out of line. All you do is will validate that everything that she did and said beforehand was legit and okay, and it’ll get worse.

So let’s go to the second email.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach Corey,

I just became a premium member and wanted to share what I consider a success story, even though it involved a breakup. I’ve been following your work for a while now, and it’s helped me stay grounded and navigate things with clarity and strength.

So if you guys haven’t already signed up for our Premium Membership, what he’s referring to is in the video description of this video, there are links to join on YouTube or to join on Spotify, or you can join on our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. And with the website you can do a seven day free trial and check out what content you get for your money. And if you choose an annual plan, you’ll get a 25% discount for paying the whole year’s premium up front.

So go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the “plans” tab. Sign up for a seven day free trial with the website. You get the Email Analysis that goes along with these Video Newsletters. Plus, there’s going to be stuff on the website that I just can’t put on YouTube. So if you just like watching videos, YouTube is great. The one thing with YouTube’s paywall for Members Only Videos, they will stop playing when your phone goes to sleep, unlike the free videos on YouTube.

But if you just want to listen to audio, then Spotify is going to be your best bet because the paywall allows you to listen when the phone goes to sleep. So obviously we prefer you sign up on the website, but maybe you sign up in all three places. Maybe sometimes you want to just listen to the audio. Maybe sometimes you want to be a serious student and sit in front of a nice desktop or a laptop computer with a nice big screen.

You have the book open, you’re looking at the Video Newsletters, you’re checking out the Premium Members Content being a serious student and taking this seriously. And then when you’re on the go, you could be listening to Spotify. If you’re at home, you can put the videos on YouTube or at work, put the videos on YouTube. It’s up to you. We’ve got three different places that you can consume the content. The more places you subscribe, the more we appreciate. The price is the same everywhere.

I’ve been following your work for a while now, and it’s helped me stay grounded and navigate things with clarity and strength. My ex-girlfriend and I were together for about a year. We had great chemistry, saw each other 3 to 4 times a week, and overall got along well. I’m 27, recently graduated from university, and I work full-time overnight shifts — about 50+ hours a week. Despite the limited free time, I gave what I had to her. I planned our dates, covered expenses, sent her money for food or transportation, and was consistent in showing up.

So you were dating a chick that was not really competent. In other words, doesn’t sound like she could hold down a job, pay her rent on time, pay her bills, pay a car payment. As a matter of fact, you’ll see she doesn’t even have a car. And he’s giving her money for food. Doesn’t really sound like a teammate. Sounds like a mooch.

She started saying I wasn’t putting in enough effort, and I explained — calmly and clearly that I was giving her the majority of the little free time I had. I also pointed out that the relationship felt one-sided. I was always the one going to her. She didn’t have a car, and I asked if she could make an effort to come to me occasionally, even just via Uber. She claimed that was too expensive. And then.

And then this is the kicker.

And then later bought a $500 purse, which made her priorities pretty clear.

Well, you enabled her behavior. Always paying for her bills. That’s kind of ridiculous.

Eventually, she ghosted me mid-conversation. I reached out a few times and got nothing.

Well, you shouldn’t keep sending messages when somebody ignores you. Dating is like tennis, so your double and triple texting.

When she finally called me three days later, she asked why I didn’t keep reaching out. I told her I’m not going to chase someone who’s actively avoiding me. We talked it out again, and I stayed up all night before a shift trying to work things through. Over Easter weekend, I was visiting family and met up with my best friend and an old female friend for photography.

My ex saw a story on social media and flipped out, accusing me of cheating and lying, even though nothing shady happened. She refused to listen, called me a liar, and insulted me deeply. And even bringing up childhood trauma I’d confided in her.

Yeah, if it’s not going to make you look more attractive and more masculine, it’s like, why tell her? Because when you get into a fight, that’s what happens. She’s going to use it against you.

That was my final line. I told her I couldn’t be with someone who uses my vulnerabilities against me, and I ended the conversation for good. A month later she reached out for closure. We met up, and while she apologized, I let her know that I didn’t feel like we were aligned anymore. I want a partner in life. Someone who walks beside me, not someone I have to carry. I told her respectfully that I haven’t missed the relationship and that it’s best we leave it behind.

I was already in the gym every day before the breakup, but that situation gave me a reason to push even harder. I’m now down 17 pounds, up in muscle, and sharper mentally. I’ve been stacking wealth, paying off debt, and doubling down on my growth. Your teachings reminded me that the right woman is an addition to my life, not the center of it.

This is correct. Good for you, dude.

I’m still finishing your book, but your videos have already helped me remember who I am. Thank you for what you do. It really does make a difference.

All the best,

Bob

Well, Bob, congratulations on you for having the guts to walk away from basically an adult female child who is incapable of taking care of herself. And instead of driving to see her boyfriend, who she supposedly loves because she doesn’t want to spend the money on an Uber unless you pay for it, she goes and buys herself a $500 purse, so that tells me her interest was low. You’re just now reading the book.

I’m sure a lot of light bulbs are going off as you’re going through it, but find somebody that at least can have a stable job, pay a rent on time, pay her car payment. Just does the bare minimum, at least to take care of herself. I mean, dating a girl when you’re paying her bills and sending her money, and then what little money she does have she does stupid shit like buying a $500 purse that she can’t afford. It’s like, come on, man.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

And again, if you haven’t signed up for our Paying Members Only Content in the video description of this video, there are links to join on Spotify or YouTube or our website UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just click the “plans” tab when you get there and sign up for a seven day free trial. So wherever you sign up is where you consume the content. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.