In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his girlfriend because he was very insecure and hurtful at the start of college. For a while he chased, and she still maintained contact. He found my work and they’ve met up a few times over the past four months and hooked up. There was another guy in the picture initially after the breakup, but he’s no longer around. Recently, she came over for the weekend, and they had dinner together and a night full of sex. Things seemed fine after their long weekend of hanging out, having fun and hooking up. However, a week later on Friday she reached out and started saying that she is confused about their situation and does not know what the right thing to do is. She wants to stay exclusive but does not want either of them to feel strung along if things don’t work out. He handled himself pretty well on the phone. I address his questions on how he should proceed going forward considering the fact she is so confused and unsure.
Long story short, my ex broke up with me because I was very insecure and hurtful at the start of college. I was her first relationship and sexual experience, and she ended it in tears. It was hard on both of us. I chased and all of that, of course! She maintained contact though, and luckily, I found your work. We met up a few times throughout the past four months and hooked up, etc. She also revealed that there was another guy in the picture, but eventually that failed as he was hooking up with five other girls. Winter break came, and we didn’t really talk much. She reached out on Christmas, but I didn’t say anything on her birthday or the New Year. She got in contact with me multiple times and finally asked to see me. (That’s a good sign. As I discuss in the article, “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” when a woman reaches out to you, you’re only going to ask her out on two consecutive occasions. If she shoots you down both times, you won’t ask any more. You’ll have to wait until she brings up getting together again.) This weekend, she came over and we had dinner and a night full of sex. She slept over and the day after, she brought up our terms. She agreed to being exclusive, didn’t like the idea of an open relationship at all, and we said that we’ll take it slow and not jump into a “relationship.” She continued engaging in conversations, which I would keep fun and sexual. We also made plans to meet this Friday.
This is where it gets weird. This morning, while she was in school, she engaged in a random conversation. I cut it short because I was busy, but then she asked if we could talk. We arranged a call time, and got each other on the phone. She told me that she’s confused because she doesn’t know what the right thing to do is. (When a woman is confused and unsure, give her the time and space to miss you so she can figure that out on her own.) She said it’s either black or white with her. Either we’re together or we’re not, and that although she agreed to be exclusive until we figure it out, she doesn’t want either of us to feel strung along if things don’t work out in the end. She cried a few times, and even said that she just wishes the breakup didn’t happen and that we could go back in time and fix the problems, to which I responded, “Babe, the past isn’t our future, and nothing is stopping us.” Her response was, “I just don’t know, in all honesty. I was moving on, but regardless, I miss you so much. I feel a piece of me missing, but I don’t know if that’s a good thing for me, or a bad thing.” (This tells me she is not head over heels for you. You need to just let her be with her emotions and let her come to a resolution on her own.) I simply told her that she could call me when she changes her mind, and that the door is open. This was pretty funny. She asked me, “How are you being so nonchalant about it?” (You have peace and certainty as you’re in your masculine energy, and she’s all over the ice. When you’re centered, it will help her to move into a peaceful, relaxed state and feel more certain of her feelings.) I responded by saying that I’m not going to force her into anything, that love is free, and that at the end of the day, we’re both human. I also told her that if this means either of us can go work things out with other people until we make up our minds, that we might as well just call it quits now. (It’s the man’s job to gain clarity and take the big problems and shrink them down into little parts.) She said, “I’m not confused because of anyone else being in the picture. I just don’t know if this is right or not. I get so sad knowing that what we had for two years isn’t going to be the same even if we did get back together.” I told her that she was right, that it’s not going to be the same, and that’s not the goal. I told her the goal was to just enjoy each other’s presence and see what happens. I made a sexual joke to which she responded by cracking up. Trust me Corey, I kept the entire conversation as non-serious as possible. I had her laughing, and she would talk a lot. She was surprised when I told her that I loved her. She had been saying it all weekend. When I said to let me know when she wants to see me, she said, “I already know that I want to see you. I would see you every day if I could, and just quit life and spend time with you being carefree and not having a worry in the world. I just don’t know if that’s the right thing to do because I don’t agree with being in the middle, but I also don’t want to jump right back into a relationship.” I restated that she could call me when she changes her mind, and she asked, “Do I wait a week? A month? Keep in touch with me, because you know I will.” We got off of the phone, and that’s that. (Tell her to call you whenever she wants, and when she does, make a date with her.)
I really love this girl a lot. We didn’t break up because of cheating. She admitted a white lie about meeting up with the kid in the school cafeteria, but that was months ago. I don’t really care about him, and I’m confident she’s done with him. We broke up because of insecurities, normal circumstances of school, and life progressing. She openly will say that she enjoys her time with me a whole lot, and so will I. I already know not to reach out to her and to stay congruent with her reaching out to me first.
1) How do I handle the next time she reaches out to me? (You are giving her space to solve the problem in her own time. When she figures it out, she’ll call you. When she calls you, make a date.)
2) Is there another guy in the picture, or is she genuinely unsure? I haven’t reached out or pursued her at all. (Do nothing, and stay centered. It doesn’t sound like there’s another guy in the picture, but the bottom line is, her attraction level is low due to the negative events that happened at the time of your breakup.)
3) Am I being too nice by openly saying that she can just call me when she’s figured it out/changed her mind? (Not at all. You shouldn’t force her into a decision.)
4) Am I on the right track? Is there a good chance of getting back with her?
Is all of the extremely romantic love stuff she said, a lot more than just those things too, just BS? (Flip a coin, it could go either way. If she says I love you, she only means it in that moment.)
5) What’s your opinion on her, my approach and what do you think the next step to take is, because I really am willing to give the relationship another try. (Just wait to hear from her, and when you do, assume she wants to see you and make a date. Until then, focus on yourself, and everything else will fall into place.)
Thank you so much!
My response to him:
I’m going to answer your questions in the order you posted them:
1) If she reaches out to you, either make a Skype video date if you’re not in the same town, or make a date to get together with her in person if you are in the same town. Hang out, have fun and hook up like I talk about in my book. You must let her come to you.
2) The reason she is unsure is an indication that her attraction level for you is not very high. She likes you, she cares about you, she wants you, but she’s not head over heels in love with you like she once was, and obviously fears that she may never feel that for you again. Logically, she knows if she doesn’t fall in love with you again that she should move on and find somebody else. That’s why it’s important to let her come to you at her own pace.
3) It has to be her idea to rekindle things. You want somebody who would jump fences to be with you. Your time is the greatest gift you can give anyone. An alpha male is not going to waste his time with someone who is confused. Therefore, you’re only going to spend time with her when she really wants to see you. Your response was perfect.
4) If she’s chasing you and continuing to reach out to you and misses you, she’s not going to dump you. What are the chances of getting her back? Flip a coin. It could go either way.
5) The romantic things she said to you only apply in the moment that she shared them.
6) You both are young and inexperienced. You both should play the field and explore your options with other lovers. Your approach is going to be do nothing and wait to hear from her. When you do, assume she wants to see you and either make a Skype video date if you can’t get together in person because of long distance, or make a date in person. You should read this article and watch the video on how you should proceed going forward: “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“It’s the nature of feminine energy to be unsure, confused and indecisive, to say one thing one minute, and then a few minutes later, the complete opposite. It’s the nature of masculine energy to be direct, decisive, and confident, in control, calm, cool and collected. Men and women both have masculine and feminine energy. Feminine energy is the natural essence of most women, and masculine energy is the natural essence of most men. Men who do not understand the nature of sexual polarity or masculine and feminine energy, are often confused, befuddled and extremely frustrated by women’s seemingly contradictory behavior. Men who understand women know that the most effective way to shift their women into a peaceful, loving, certain, relaxed, open and happy state is to make sure that they are centered in their own masculine energy by being direct, decisive, fearless and certain of themselves.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne