If You Act Like A Butler, You’ll Become Her Bitch

Why acting like a butler towards a woman you like will make you her bitch & not her lover.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who found my work years ago, but has been a lazy cherry-picker of a student. He reached out via Facebook to a girl from high school who seemed interested in her response. However, he spent too much time talking, texting, dithering and hesitating instead of simply making a date over the weekend. On Monday he asked her to lunch, but she declined and asked him to bring her a drink, which he did. They chatted for a few minutes, but she seemed distant.

He hasn’t heard from her in two weeks now. He asks where he went wrong. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who found my work years ago, as he says, but he’s been a lazy cherry-picker of a student. So he had a recent interaction where he reached out on Facebook to a girl from high school who he didn’t really know, but he’s like, “Hey, you know what? I’m going to shoot my shot and see what happens.” Reaches out, doesn’t hear anything back, he’s like, “Oh well, at least I tried,” and then several days go by and then she actually slides into his DMs. They start talking, they start texting, she invites him to get together with her. He declines because, as he said, he was kind of being a bum. It sounds like it was a Sunday. He’s watching football. He’s like, “I was dirty and I haven’t shaved.” So he declined. Then the next day he gets up and he’s like, “Oh shit, I gotta do something.” Then he invites her for lunch, which the title of his email was Lunch Is For Losers, because he knew he shouldn’t have done it, but it’s like he kind of realized he should have just made a date with the girl on Sunday and gone to dinner or something with her, because that’s what he said he wanted to do, was make dinner plans.

What’s interesting is because he’s talking and texting and he’s just dithering and hesitating, he’s not being direct, decisive, getting to the point and just simply making a date. He’s talking, he’s texting, then he notices that she’s basically starting to fade away by Monday. So he tries to set a lunch date just to get some face time with her and she says, “Oh, I’m too busy to go to lunch, but hey, bring me a drink,” which is basically a compliance test. So whether he realizes it or not, he basically is like, “OK, I’ll bring you a drink.” So he goes and he buys her a drink. I don’t know if it was a juice or a coffee or whatever shows up where she works. She’s kind of distant. Gives her the drink. I think they talked for like, 10, 15 minutes and she’s like, “Well, I got to go,” and he’s like, “Now I haven’t heard anything from her.”

So it’s just this girl, he piqued her interest, but instead of making a date, he’s trying to be cute. He was just sloppy because again, he never bothered to actually read the book. I think he said he started it, but never got into it and now he’s paid the price. He had a girl that was definitely down to meet and hang out and go on a date, but the more he ran his mouth and probably tried to crack jokes through text and then he invites her for lunch on Monday after he just told her the day before he didn’t want to do a lunch. He wanted to do dinner. She had him come by probably because her interest was low, but she’s like, “Oh well, at least I can see what this guy looks like in person. Then if I’m not really down, I’ll just tell them I got to get back to work. Thanks for the drink.”

So you shouldn’t be doing things like this guy did. I mean, it’s pretty atrocious, but you could tell, like in this particular case, he couldn’t make too many mistakes because she wasn’t super interested. So I would put her interest at probably a five or a six on a scale of one to 10 from the book, the chapter, It’s All In The Numbers, but he just made too many mistakes in his texting, his talking, the vibe that he gave off and the things that he did to where she just basically was no longer interested, but it is a good email to learn from and what not to do.

Viewer Email:

Coach Wayne,

First, thank you for all of your time/efforts detailing how to be a 3% Man. I found your work a few years ago and revisit often. I have the book, but haven’t completed it the recommended amount of times. You may classify me as a cherry-picker and that’s OK, I need to hear the feedback from the foot of the master.

Well, the fact you’ve been following me for years, it doesn’t sound like you actually got through the book. Maybe you thumbed through it. This is what happens when you half-ass things and you don’t really take your life or your success seriously. I tell people all the time, it’s like, “Take my advice. Listen to me. Read the book,” because you’re going to eventually meet a girl unexpectedly in an unexpected way who’s going to be into you, and if you haven’t learned the book, then you’re just going to make all the same mistakes that you’ve made and then poof! The girl will be gone and now you’re dealing with rejection and thinking, “Man, I’ll probably never, ever speak to her again.” Maybe you see her at a high school reunion, but he said he didn’t know her when they were in school. It’s like he was aware of her, but they didn’t hang out. They didn’t get to know one another, but she was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but at the end of the day, he fumbled the football.

So it happened to start the year. I got my socks knocked off by a woman that I’ve always admired out of the blue, but wasn’t prepared, and sure I fouled it up, now wondering what to do. We went to high school together, didn’t interact back then, have been Facebook friends for many years now, also with limited interaction on that platform.

Late December, I decided to shoot my shot and make a comment on one of her posts, just a simple sarcastic observation about something she posted. No reaction from her. I thought, “Oh well. Win some, lose some.” A few days later and I have a message from her in my inbox and I’m floored.

Sometimes that’s how it happens. Sometimes women will get the message. Maybe she didn’t see it, or maybe she did see it and just wanted to wait a few days because maybe you were a dork in high school and she knew that, but she thought, “Oh, he’s kind of filled out nicely. Maybe he’s kind of cute.” So she’s maybe willing to go out with you or give you the benefit of the doubt and then she reaches out. When you don’t freak out,

She starts off teasing, giving me hell, saying I got her post deleted etc. OK, I can dig this ball-busting, it’s my style. We go back and forth teasing and talking for the day…

Yeah, you should have just made a date. You should just said, “Hey, let’s get together for a drink.“

…(I know phones are for setting dates. She caught me off guard).

Well, as Confucius said, “Success depends upon prior preparation and without said preparation, there is sure to be failure.” So he didn’t take me seriously when I said read the book 10 to 15 times. So he didn’t, and now when he comes across this girl, it turns out she’s interested, he didn’t know the book, he didn’t prepare ahead of time and then he just proceeds to fumble the ball by talking and texting all day long instead of just simply meeting the date and getting together.

Next day, she gives me her number and communication continues.

We message back and forth over the weekend. There’s innuendo, I match energies, however long it took her to respond is when I respond. I ask questions about her, keep it focused on her…

So he’s trying to get to know her through text instead of just making the date. “Hey, we should get together for a drink. What’s your schedule like tonight? When are you free? Are you available at six?” Whatever, just make a fucking date. You’ve got to think of yourself as like an appointment setter in a definite day, definite time, definite place to get together, because as I often say, “If you hesitate, you will masturbate.“

…She lets on that, “I’m a little reserved/mysterious, and that’s the way I want to play it.” If she wants to know more about me, we should go on a date.

Again, it’s your job. You’re the one with the penis to make a definite date, but does that happen? No.

Sunday rolls around and she impulsively wants to see me mid-day because she didn’t want me starting a new week without having her on my mind, but I decline because I’m dirty and unshaven, but really I’m watching playoff football and I’d rather make a date.

Well again, it’s your job to make a date and then get the fuck off the phone, but right off the bat, you started violating every principle, and it’s clear you knew that you were violating those principles because you got that much from your cherry-picking, but because you never probably practiced what was in the book, your game sucked, you were sloppy. Again, the book‘s not going to help you if you don’t read it.

She sends me a picture of herself telling me I didn’t miss out on much (She’s a fox). The next day I caved, messaged her about seeing her for lunch to make up for turning her down the day before (I know, lunch is for losers). She works at the local hospital. Said no to lunch, but wanted a drink.

So like a nice little butler.

I bring her a drink, we talk for about 15-20 minutes and go on about our day.

Again, you should know better, but he couldn’t help himself. He was not prepared. He cherry-picked, and when the time came, because he didn’t know the material and he’d never practiced it, he just totally came unglued, couldn’t handle it and literally talked her out of dating him.

Something had happened to her work-related on Friday and carried over to Monday.

She’s probably telling him, “Oh, I got to go. I got this hard thing at work to deal with,” which is basically her making an excuse for why she doesn’t want to see him, doesn’t want to hang out with him, whatever, because by that point, the damage is obviously done.

She had an HR meeting following our meet, became distant, apologized the following day for being full of a lot of nerves/emotions and hoped I had a good day. I said completely understandable and hoped her week got better. That was two weeks ago. Besides the obvious, what did I do wrong? What’s she thinking? Do I hear from her again?

Bob

Well, if it’s been two weeks and you still haven’t heard anything, I’d reach out once more, try to make a date in the evening. Not a fucking lunch date. No chit chat, no cracking jokes. Just make the date. “Hey, you want to see if your schedule is freed up so we can get together for a drink?” She may reply. She may not. She may say, “I’m not looking for a relationship,” “I’m not looking to date anybody now” or “I don’t think there’s enough chemistry or spark between us.” You may hear that, and if she says that, say, “Hey well, I enjoyed chatting with you. You got my number. Hit me up if you change your mind,” and then you never, ever reach out to her again because that’s basically where you’re at, but will she make a date if you reach out after two weeks? Maybe. Maybe not. Flip a coin. It could go either way. The girl was definitely into you at first, but the more you talked, texted, tried to crack jokes and try to get to know her through the phone even though you knew you were violating principles, you shouldn’t be surprised that you never actually went out on a date with her. You bought her a drink and you drove to her place of work like a fucking butler and handed it to her.

You know, guys that don’t have any game that don’t know any better, they get stuck in friend-zone. The Harry Honda, as girls like to call them. The Harry Honda is the guy that will grab his toolbox and hop in his little Honda, and he’ll drive over and he’ll fix your toilet, he’ll change the battery in your car, he’ll rotate your tires, he’ll fix your sprinklers, he’ll mow your lawn and not her actual lawn, her front lawn and her front yard. Not the carpet and the drapes, the carpet matching the drapes. Does the carpet match the drapes or not? It’s just a bad way to go, man.

All you can do is you put the stuff out there, get people the book and then they cherry-pick again. It’s pretty obvious what this guy did wrong, but he did a good job of detailing it, because these are the kinds of things that most of us guys have done at one point in our lives, usually when we’re younger and we don’t know any better. It’s like for me, I did this enough times and got the same result. So I realize I’m spinning my wheels here. Let’s just be “You’re either in or you’re out,” and then you don’t waste weeks and months talking, chit-chatting, getting nowhere and thinking you’re going to date this girl and the next thing you know, you find out she got into a serious relationship with somebody else, and now you’re not talking to her anymore because she has a boyfriend. So it’s just a bad, bad way to go.

I mean, you shoot your shot, it’s positive and then you spend several days talking and texting instead of just making a date. Then by the time you get around to making a date, probably as he said, when he caved, he recognized that she was slipping away. So then he tries to get a lunch date with her just so he can see her face-to-face, but she even declines that. Then she’s like, “Hey, bring me a drink,” and he complies. Then she’s like, “He’s a bitch. He’s a pussy,” and that’s why you haven’t heard from her in two weeks. Like I said, I would I’d give her one more effort since it’s been a couple of weeks. Again, as the book says, you’ll try twice, and if both times she declines, you never call, you never text again for any reason. She’ll have to do the reaching out from that point forward.

So that’s all you can really do at this point. Give her a call. Text her. Try and make a date. Be direct. Be decisive. Get to the point. Don’t send boring texts like, “Hey, how are you? How have you been? What’s new?” Just say, “Hey you! I’d love to see you. We should get together for a drink this week. What’s your schedule like?” And just make a date. Be direct. Be decisive. Get to the fucking point. She’ll either make a date, she’ll give you some kind of excuse or she’ll try to get you to go to lunch. Again, if she tries to get you to go to lunch, that’s another compliance test to see if you’re soft and you’ll never get anywhere near the pussy, but she’ll surely let you buy her things and stop by and bring her donuts or coffee or whatever. It’s a bad way to go, dude. All these things are laid out in the book, but then again, you didn’t read the book, so it’s obviously not helping you.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.