If You Don’t Date Your Girl, Some Other Guy Will

Why a woman will eventually date other men if you stop dating and courting her properly.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got lazy and complacent in his relationship with his girlfriend of 4 years. He read 3% Man, 15 times 5 years ago before he met his current girlfriend. He never went back and reviewed the material and admits that he got lazy and complacent and stopped dating and courting her.

They recently broke up and within the 1st week she was already sleeping with a guy who was supposedly just a friend. He went to her place to surprise her and to ask for another chance, but she wasn’t interested. Now he wonders what he can do in case she comes back in the future. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy, he read 3% Man 15 times five years ago. Then a year after that, he got into a relationship of four years with his now ex-girlfriend, and he admits that he did all of his studying a year before he met this girl. He says he never went back to the book.

A big part of what you do, just like when you look at how an NFL player practices the playbook, the guys that play on offense. They study the playbook, they go out on the field, they practice what’s in the playbook, they film it, the coaches film it. They review the film to see what they did right, what they did wrong, what they need to do differently, and then they go back out in the practice field again and practice the same plays to get better at it. Repetition is the mother of skill. You can’t read my book 15 times and just say, “I got this.” Then a year or two later, get into a relationship with a girl and think it’s going to go real smoothly.

This guy made the classic mistake that pretty much 99% of the guys that are having problems in their relationships, long term relationships, they stop dating and courting their girl, and they don’t make her feel heard and understood, and that can only go on for so long before eventually you neglect a woman long enough and for enough months and enough years. Eventually they’re going to come across a guy who’s going to come along and date them for you.

Women want to be in a love story. They know that if you care, that you will date and court them. If you guys have ever read the book, I think it’s Why Men Love Bitches, that particular book, there’s a big chapter in there. If you get a hundred women together in a room, the biggest complaint that they have in long term relationships is the guy is romantic at first and then he stops. Why is that? It’s like pretty much all guys do it.

The average guy just thinks, “Hey, we’re at a different phase in the relationship. I don’t have to do all that stuff anymore.” Wrong! The courtship never ends. There’s a chapter in the book about that, and if you’re not reading the book, practicing it and applying it, you’re just not going to get better.

If it’s been a year, like in this case, he read it 15 times, but a whole year went by before he even met this girl. So where is the practice of learning what’s in the book to get better? He just assumed that he had it down because things went so well at first. As he got into the relationship, he got lazy and complacent by his own admission. Then they broke up, and then a week later, he finds out she’s sleeping with a guy who is “just a friend.”

So if you want to avoid something like that, you got to remember you always got to date your girlfriend or wife because eventually some other guy will. Based on her character level, a woman who has good character is going to end the relationship and then start dating somebody else. A woman who’s a liar and a cheater will just start sleeping with somebody else, or several guys behind your back. Then once she finds one she really likes, she’ll blow you off. Then next thing you’ll know, you’ll find out she’s in a relationship with somebody else, because she left you to be with that other guy.

So high character women are going to end their relationship, maybe be single for a while and then start dating somebody else. Low character women will cheat on you and not care at all, and they’ll still take half your shit if you’re married and not feel any remorse for it, because they’re mad and upset that you didn’t date and court them. It’s the way it is, just telling you how it is, whether you like it or not. You cannot be in a relationship with a woman long term.

Women are not going to stay with you because they were a virgin when you met them, or they had a low body count. Any guy that does this in a long term relationship with an attractive woman who stays fit and in shape, is not going to be able to keep her. Eventually, she’s going to leave him. Eventually she’ll either leave him, or if she’s a low character woman, she’ll cheat on him and then leave him. This is just life. This is reality.

There are so many dudes in the red pill community who make such a big deal. “It’s hypergamy,” and this and that. You can’t not date your girl long term. It’s just delusional to think because you got married or you’re in a commitment or you have kids, that if it’s a virgin or a low body count woman, she’s just never going to leave you. That’s just absolutely absurd and ridiculous.

I’ve done thousands of phone sessions over the years where guys dated a young girl. She might have been a virgin or only had one or two boyfriends, and they still got cheated on. They still got left. It’s just a fact. You have to date and court your girl always, always, always, always or it’s going to end. Usually it’s going to be her that’s going to end it. Depending on her character level, it’s going to determine how messy or how clean the breakup is going to be. In this case, the breakup is a little cleaner than most, but it’s obvious she was talking to this guy before she broke it off.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

I’m reaching out to you from Italy to provide an update on my recent 4-year relationship, which ended badly. In retrospect, there were red flags I overlooked, and I’ve gained insights now by revisiting your book. Five years ago, I read your book 15 times, but I neglected to revisit it over the following years.

Yeah, guys that are really successful usually will go through it at least once or twice a year just to refresh their memory, because they care. They care about their girl, they care about their relationships, and they want to maintain it.

Four years ago, at the age of 21, I met a 19-year-old girl who had a toxic relationship marked by abuse and control. She left her previous partner only after falling in love with me (no cheating, but red flag).

So what does that mean? You’re hanging out and you were “just a friend?” You say he’s “just a friend.” So this is a clear pattern. You were the replacement for the ex, so maybe him no cheating was they didn’t kiss or maybe they didn’t sleep together? I don’t know what his definition of that was, but that doesn’t look good. It just looks like he ripped off some other dude’s girl.

Her family situation is also bad, with many liars and cheaters (red flag)…

Oh, what a shock!

…Such as her gay dad who dates other men but is still married with her mother.

That sounds lovely.

During the first month of our relationship, she rebelled against her toxic past by partying and drinking (red flag). I was a more mature guy, so I made it clear that such behavior wasn’t acceptable.

So he set a boundary and he said, “You need to knock it off or we’re not going to continue.”

She transformed into a great communicator, responsible and caring woman…

Because obviously, at least at that time, she respected you for putting her in her place, and she listened to what daddy told her. Which is you, obviously.

…She always supported me and I did it too with her studies and with her life: I helped her forgive her family, quit smoking, and adopt a healthy lifestyle.

So those are signs of a woman who admires and respects the guy that she’s with, or at least at that time she respected you.

We quickly moved in together due to our shared university.

Well, I wouldn’t have done that so quickly, but life happens.

We talked about the future and marriage. She is still studying while I graduated and started working. In the fourth and final year, I began to take her for granted as I focused on building a better future for us…

In other words, “I became a money mule and stopped dating and courting her and being romantic.”

The biggest complaint that all women in long term relationships tend to have. He was romantic at first and then he just stopped. Women complain about it and the guy is like, “I’m busy, I’m doing this for us and we’re going to save money. I just took you to a bed and breakfast three months ago. It was an expensive trip. I’m trying to save money.” All she hears is, “Nothing’s going to change. You’re not worth the time and the effort to go on a date.”

…Working three jobs, and becoming stressed and depressed. I became complacent, neglected to court her, spent less quality time together, and failed to notice her suffering.

Typically, when you experience pain in a relationship, it’s because you’re focusing on yourself.

I decided to become an entrepreneur and moved to a different city.

So now he’s moving away in addition to neglecting her. Now he’s not even in the same place, he moved away.

She suffered but also encouraged me for our better future. We spent two months apart, during which she rekindled a friendship with a male friend “To not worry about.”

You say he’s “just a friend.” You have to date and court your girl. I mean, this went on for, what, a year or two years? Halfway into the relationship, he just completely checked out. Didn’t date and court her and moved away, so he totally neglected her.

Every woman has got a time limit on that. Typically when you’re going through a difficult period, most women, because I’ve been doing this for almost two decades now, will give you about six to 12 months, and that’s women that have been in a 20 or 30 year marriage. Same thing, you can’t flail around for more than six to 12 months before they totally lose respect and attraction for you, especially when you have kids and stuff and you got obligations, you just can’t flail around like that as a man.

If you started out as a competent man and then you start acting incompetent, eventually a woman’s going to leave you. It doesn’t matter about her body count being lower than she was a virgin. If this shit just continues to go on and you do nothing to fix it, eventually she’s going to leave you for somebody else. That’s just a fact of life.

Women want to be in a love story. If you end the love story because you don’t make an effort anymore, you should not be surprised that your girl leaves you. Has nothing to do with hypergamy, even though the red pill guys go berserk over that stuff and they repeat it and they constantly are vomiting all over my page because it’s a cope. It’s a cope for the fact that they bitched out on their responsibilities. I’m just telling you the way it is, I’m just the messenger. You can accept it or not, or you can continue to cry about “women’s true nature.”

We went on a beautiful 15-day vacation, but two weeks later she expressed that her feelings had diminished due to my behavior over the past year. I hastily attributed this to her possible interest in the male friend, she denied, and I quickly admitted my shortcomings. I lost my center and became needy, I was saying things like, “If you don’t love me anymore, we should break up…”

She’s talking to another guy and he’s like, “Hey, we should break up.That’ll fix it.”

…Rather than be a man and make her fall in love again while instead, she was just trying to communicate and work on it.

When a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open. When she doesn’t, the legs close.

We went on another vacation after five days, but I was unable to be lighthearted, I was focused on problems instead of connection.

Well, love is playful and fun. It doesn’t sound like much fun was happening.

We didn’t even kiss.

Yeah, you go on a vacation for five days. You’re not kissing her. You’re not touching her at all. It’s like, Elvis has left the building.

After the vacation she asked for a break, I told her that I didn’t want it…

Even though he suggested it.

…And we could work on the relationship. She, however, saw this negation of the break as a break up. Two weeks of no contact followed, I went to her house to surprise her in a bid to win her back. She was unwilling to continue with our relationship and I discovered from her phone that she slept with the “male friend” just one week into the break/breakup.

Well, it sounds like she asked for a break so she could explore things. So in other words, “I may come back if it doesn’t work out with this other guy, but I’m pretty much going to dip on you.”

She had also reverted to her previous unhealthy habits (lying, smoking, drinking).

Character is destiny. I say it all the time. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality. Remember, he was the guy that he basically did this to another dude. He was the sidepiece. He said she left the guy she was with before me only once she fell in love, but hey, there was no cheating.

I don’t know what mental gymnastics he was doing or what he left out, but you basically ripped off another dude’s girl. So karma, the way it works is, now your girl got ripped off by another guy. So congratulations, you reaped what you sowed.

I reacted emotionally, cried, blaming her for betraying her principles and accusing her of ending forever the relationship, although I acknowledged my fault. I left and reached out to her parents, thanking them and expressing concern for their daughter. Their lack of response left me wondering about her version of events.

Yes, she was probably complaining for years that you were neglecting her and you weren’t dating her. You ignored her. You didn’t really want to talk to her. So at that point, the parents were really probably tired of hearing about her complaining about it. So they were relieved for her and figured, “Hey, well, hopefully she’ll move on, find a guy that actually is willing to make consistent effort.”

So what do you do when you behave this way, when you’re good for a year or two and then you stop? You displayed all the signs of a man who is incompetent and undisciplined.

The number one most important thing that women find attractive in men is confidence. When you display nothing but incompetence and being undisciplined, they’re not going to trust you. They’re not going to trust your masculine core. The fact that she started smoking, drinking and doing all the things that she quit for you in the beginning, shows how much respect that she lost for you. If a woman doesn’t respect you, she’s not going to love you.

I’m actively working on self-improvement, no contact, I’m pretty sure she is now dating this guy, but what should I do if the new guy messes up and she comes back since we technically broke up a week before her new relationship? Is she for the streets?

Thank You,

Bob

Well, this is how she’s going to behave. If you treat her good, she’ll be loyal and faithful. If she respects you, she’ll probably be loyal and faithful. If you neglect her for several years and don’t date and court her, then you move away and leave her all alone, what do you think is going to happen?

This is how a woman with character flaws is going to treat you when you don’t date and court her properly, and she doesn’t feel heard and understood. She’s going to light up a replacement when you’re together. I mean, you were the replacement for her ex-boyfriend. Maybe you only consummated the relationship when she ended it with him, I don’t know. Like I said, I don’t know what mental gymnastics he went through to justify it, but he was obviously dating and courting her to steal her from another guy. Now basically the same thing has happened to him. So he did it to himself.

I’ve been saying this for years, women that behave this way, this is what they do. You treat them good, they’re going to be probably loyal and faithful to you. You slack off for extended periods of time, she’s going to line up somebody else and feel no remorse, because quite frankly, you taught her that this is OK because you did this to some other guy, and now it’s being done to you.

It’s your life. You can do what you want. The reality is, even if you get back together with her, if you neglect her and you stop dating and courting her again, she’s going to do the exact same thing with another guy.

It’s up to you whether you want to date her or give her another chance or not, no matter who the woman is, you neglect her for long enough, eventually she’s going to leave you or she’s going to cheat on you. It all depends on her character.

From this girl, we know that she’ll cheat on you first. Again, he left out details about how she fell in love with him, but there was no cheating going on. That just sounds absurd. You reap what you sow in life, man. You steal some other guy’s girl, you shouldn’t be surprised when some other dude comes along and steals her from you. Statistically, 95% of the relationships that begin based on cheating they end in cheating. In essence, that’s what happened here. It is what it is.

You got to put your big boy pants on, and it’s up to you to decide whether or not you want to give her another chance. I’m a coach, I just teach the fundamentals of what creates attraction, and I can teach you about the character issues. It’s up to you whether or not you want to deal with them.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.