If You Don’t Love Yourself, You’ll Attract Women Who Make You Feel Unlovable

The importance of loving yourself to attract good people.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who was dating a lying, cheating and toxic woman. Despite her constant dishonesty and terrible treatment, he kept trying to change her. She kept betraying him. They would break up and he would take her back or try to get her back. Now she left him for another guy and he still wants her back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “If You Don’t Love Yourself, You’ll Attract Women Who Make You Feel Unlovable”.

So this particular email is from a viewer who was dating a lying, cheating, toxic woman. And despite her constant dishonesty, the terrible treatment, talking to other guys behind his back, she kept betraying him. He kept putting up with it. They would break up. They would miss her, try to get her back, or she’d want him back. He got back together.

I don’t know how many times they made up and broke up and got back together, but most recently she ended up leaving him for another one of the guys she was talking to. “He’s just a friend.” And despite all of this abuse, which has gone on for six years, he’s still wanting her back. So it’s like, man, some guys just cannot help themselves. Because if you don’t really love and value yourself, if you don’t think you’re worthy, if you don’t think you’re worthy of having a girlfriend.

Like when I was really young, I didn’t realize it, but my mindset was deep down, I didn’t think I was loved or lovable. And so I’d get hung up on women that were unavailable, or either they were taken or they were friends of mine, and I wanted to date them, but they didn’t have any interest. And I wasted a tremendous amount of time, several years of my life when I was young, my teenage years and my early 20s just being hung up on girls.

They were unavailable and had no interest. And then after the last one that was like, it probably lasted a year and a half, two years, I finally realized I wasn’t getting anywhere. Several years of my life had gone by at that point, and all I had to show for it was nothing. Letters I’d written, flowers I’d bought, gone to some lunches, just an absolute waste of my time. And I felt like a total jackass.

I was like, there’s got to be a better way. And so from that point forward, I resolved that you’re either in or you’re out. There was one thing I did that was a saving grace. But back then, I still didn’t understand what was attractive masculine behavior and what was unattractive. It’s just stuff that’s not taught in school. Most of your parents don’t know it.

Some guys know it and can’t explain it, and other guys understand it, but they don’t really teach it. And so it’s really hard to come by this information. And mastering it is another thing. Because again, when you’re emotionally anchored to something. So in other words, you grow up in a chaotic environment. If you’re dating a girl and it’s nice and it’s calm and it’s easygoing, you’ll create problems because that aren’t there just because things being easygoing and easy to get along with doesn’t feel normal to you.

And so you’ll literally sabotage a good relationship. This is why, as Socrates said, “Know thyself. You have to know yourself. You have to understand how your upbringing affects you and your belief system and your actions.” And so this guy is just perpetually chasing the wind. Basically, chasing a woman that dumps on him, makes him feel like crap, and no amount of disrespect causes him to leave, which is the opposite of being masculine.

A man who loves and values himself is never going to tolerate this shit. As soon as she betrays his trust, pulls a Diana Rosellini, if you will, which, you know, they’ve been blowing up on social media, her and Mike Vrabel. And it’s come out that she slept with a bunch of NFL coaches, assistant coaches. And it was well known that she liked married men. She’s a very, I mean, she’s hot. So what guy wouldn’t be attracted to her?

But she obviously doesn’t care about loyalty because she perpetually cheated on her husband. It looks like he’s giving her another chance because the paparazzi just took a picture of them kissing the other day. And meanwhile, it’s like every week or so more information comes out about who she hooked up with, who she was sleeping with. And so it’s like everybody kind of knew what she was like.

And despite being pregnant with another man’s baby, she was still hooking up with Mike Vrabel, like when she was seven months pregnant. When you look at that, I mean, character is destiny. You think that, do you think she’s going to change? Do you think all of a sudden she’s going to become a saint and become a loyal, faithful woman the rest of her life? I highly doubt it.

The odds and the evidence are just stacked against her. Because again, we have going back, ten, 15 years of her behavior and all the guys that she was hooking up with. So you’ve got to have some self respect. If you want loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity, you got to set healthy boundaries. And most importantly, you’ve got to enforce them.

And unfortunately, this guy never enforced any boundaries and he just basically let her treat him however she wanted. Remember, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. Because if you forgive somebody for lying and cheating, and then they do it to you again, and then you forgive them again, and then they do it again. Well, I mean, at that point, you recognize that you should recognize, I should say that her actions aren’t going to change.

Her behavior is indicative of who she really is. And I say it all the time. People typically don’t change. They may become a better version of who they are, but they typically don’t change. So a liar and a cheater typically becomes better at hiding it. Maybe they’re a little bit more discreet and they’re not in the news all the time, but they’re still basically behaving the same way.

Somebody that’s just dishonest is always typically going to do dishonest things, because it’s their operating system. I’ve had phone conversations with clients over the years that just lie and cheat with whoever they’re with, whether they’re together five years, ten years, they’re constantly lying and cheating, and they’re absolutely convinced everybody is this way. And you can’t tell them otherwise. They’re just absolute, “Oh, you would do the same thing.” It’s like, No, it wouldn’t bro.”

But again, that’s their belief system. And people are going to act consistently with how they view themselves to be. And it doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not. So that’s important to understand as we get into this kind of a train wreck here, it’s like you feel bad for this guy just putting up with this stuff, but he’s thinking, well, maybe things will get better. Maybe she’ll change. Maybe she’ll finally grow up and grow out of it. But, you know, he started dating her when she was 26, and now she’s 32. And the behavior seems to be just as bad as it always has been.

Viewer Email:

Dear Corey,

I started dating with this girl 6 years ago. I was 33 she was 26. 

So now he’s almost 40 years old and still putting up with this shit.

It all started well. Then I noticed she has some drinking issues. We broke up many times, and I couldn’t resist to her, I got back into my life. She lived with me. Moreover, her drinking issues did not stopped.

She’s consistent. Again, people don’t change who they are. Typically, they may become a better version, but very few people that come from a broken home are screwed up, background are going to do something to really, genuinely, sincerely help themselves. Most people tend to major in minor things, and that’s the way it is.

I broke up with her again after she got my car hit. 

So I assume she wrecked his car. Probably because she’d been drinking. Big shock.

I didn’t talk to her for 9 months almost. Then because of a simple reason I had to call her.

Simple. He doesn’t say what the reason is. More than likely he missed her and he came up with a reason to reach out.

When we reconnected, she lost her job she got a DUI and she started sell her body became a sex worker. Obviously, my heart got beaten and I decided to help her.

Captain Save-A-Hoe to the rescue. I can fix her, Coach. No you can’t dude. It’s sad the way she is but you didn’t do this to her. This is her family. This is how they raised her. If they were actually even present half the time.

I put her on a Medicaid, I sent her to detox. I went to AA with her 100’s times. 

I mean, that’s dedication. That’s really sincerely caring for somebody. But you cannot care enough for somebody who neglects themselves to the point where they’re going to take care of themselves. You can’t make yourself broke enough to make somebody else rich. You can’t make yourself miserable enough in order to make somebody else happy. It just doesn’t work like that.

But again, deep down you don’t think you deserve love. You’re going to constantly be trying to get somebody to love you who just doesn’t. And if you don’t love yourself, you’ll put up with this stuff. Because again, you think it’s normal. Like I talked about in the beginning of the video, my parents were cold, emotionless, never hugged us, never said, I love you.

I mean, when we were real little, they were like, oh, they’re cute. But as we got a little older and started talking, it’s like they didn’t know what to do with us. And so when you grow up in that kind of environment, and it wasn’t just my parents, it was the whole family. My grandfather come over for Christmas, and he reached his hand out to shake my hand like we’re doing a business deal. And so you just grow up in an environment you never hear, I love you, I’m proud of you. You don’t get any affection.

And then you become interested in a girl. She doesn’t show you any attention or affection, and that feels normal. And you think I got a chance? She must really like me. And then you hope things will change because you see enough Disney movies that, hey, that’s what happens in the movies. Eventually the girl goes, what an idiot. I had the best thing in the world right in my life the whole time. Let’s live happily ever after. It’s nice in the movies, but it doesn’t work in the real world.

I knew at the end of the day she wasn’t the right one, but I kept her. All my friends told me to stop. I did not and one day, I checked her phone. She was into another guy and about to fly to see him. While living with me. I got hit hard. I couldn’t believe in my eyes.

Well again, you’re ignoring reality. And what did Ayn Rand say? “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.”

She was selling her pictures to gather some money to travel. 

Again, you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. There’s a reason why that saying is who knows how many centuries that goes back. But it’s true. It’s like you’ve got to look at the value system. Do we share the same goals and same values? Does she treat you good? Is she easygoing, easy to get along with? Is she nice to you? Does she keep her word? Can she hold down a stable job? Does she pay her rent on time? Does she keep her car clean? And the answer in this case is like no to none of those. The woman’s a train wreck.

I didn’t say a shit for a while then I exploded to her. Said she is a whore etc. Then I missed her again and put her back into my life. We had great sex as always.

Well, she is a sex worker so there’s that.

She was doing everything I wanted. Then one day, she left me. She said she met with another guy. Now I am begging to see her.

Dude, you’ve got to have some self respect. I mean, begging and pleading with a woman who just absolutely abused you. I mean, you went to hundreds of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings with her. Hundreds. And yet she still betrayed you. Why? Because character is destiny. You’re not going to fix this girl. But if you don’t love and value yourself, you’ll keep making excuses.

Maybe he grew up in an environment where he was making excuses for family. Maybe, you know, family, parents, possibly, brothers, sisters, uncles that he lived with, grandparents had addiction issues or mental health issues, and they were constantly covering for them, trying to fix that person. And then they become an adult and they find a girl that’s a project.

So again, you’ve got to look and examine where you came from and how it’s influenced your behavior. Because even as friends are like, dude, you’re not going to fix this girl. And yet he keeps trying and he keeps getting abused. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. And he keeps expecting this girl to become the girl of his fantasy. And yet he ignores the fact that she’s just abusing him, because he doesn’t respect himself.

At least if you walked away, she could respect you for the fact that you left because you didn’t want to put up with the ratchet behavior. That’s the only thing that could really cause a woman like this to change. But there’s so many weak men in society that there’s a dozen dudes just like you lining up to be the next guy with her.

I still want to be with her. Not because of a good future but for sex most likely. 

Well, you could just pay her then, because I guess that’s what she’s doing now. So why not just make it a transaction?

Every time she ignores me it hits me harder and harder. I can’t believe that I am done for her.  So hard to accept and admit the truth. 

Thank you.

Well, quite frankly, dude, you never acted like an attractive man throughout. She used you. She abused you and tossed you aside for a guy who stimulated her emotions more than you did. You don’t get what you deserve in life. You only get what you negotiate. And you’re a piss poor negotiator for yourself, my man. You’ve got to have some self-respect. Because again, this is not a fixable situation. This woman is not somebody you’re going to be able to help. You jump through your butt.

I mean, anybody that would go to hundreds of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings trying to help their girlfriend, and yet she continues to lie and cheat and act like a sex worker, and then you’re shocked that she left you for somebody else. I mean, that’s just pathetic, dude. You’ve got to learn to love and accept yourself because being with this woman is an unloving act towards you. So you got to think about that.

If you want love, you’ve got to love yourself first. Because loving yourself first means you wouldn’t put up with this shit ever again. And so you start dating somebody new and you see some of this ratchet behavior. Red flags. You’re just like, thanks, but no thanks. I’ve seen that movie. I’ve been there, done that, got the t shirt, and you move on.

And the way the universe works is you’ll continue to attract women that are just like this until you’re able to continually walk away from them and hold the space for a woman who shares your goals and your values. And it can change like that. You can make a decision like that. To decide instantly, that’s it. No more. I’m given no more mulligans to women than I date like this. If they show me ratchet behavior, they come from a broken home.

They don’t love their fathers. They have a bad relationship with their father. You’re on to the next. They could be a sex playmate, temporarily fuck buddy, friends with benefits. But other than that, you’re going to keep moving on and moving towards what you want. So at some point you got to have some self-respect. But this is like a bad movie sequel that just keeps repeating over and over and over again.

So the only person that can change it is you. The best thing to do is, I mean, it looks like she’s already rode off into the sunset with another guy. And so women don’t care about what a great guy you are. They only care about how they feel about you. And when you act unattractive, like you act, no woman is going to stick around even the chick from the broken home that you tried to fix. Nobody’s going to stick around because you don’t have any self-respect.

So if you want a good relationship and you want good people that are good to you, good for you, good for your soul, you can’t tolerate this ratchet behavior ever. Not only in the women you date, but friends that you have. If a dude stealing from you or lying to you or backstabbing you, you don’t continue hanging out with them and having talks and lecturing them, hoping he’s going to change.

You just stop hanging out with that person because they’re not a good person. And then maybe, hopefully someday they lose enough good people. They realize, you know what? It doesn’t pay to be a shitbird. But unfortunately, there’s just tons of people in this world that are willing to put up with it. So that’s definitely something to think about. And again, you attract how you act. So if you loved yourself, what kind of a woman would you attract?

And what kind of behavior would she exhibit? Well, it’d be the opposite of this absolute train wreck that you were with. Again, it matters how a woman was raised. Ideally, the best relationship partners for long term. That’s what you’re looking for, are girls that love their dads, and they have a good relationship with their father and they admire and respect their fathers. And the father is the head of the household, and his wife respects him and his other daughters respect him.

And the other women in the family respect him. But just because they’re together, if the daughters and the wife doesn’t respect the man and they walk all over them and they treat him like dirt, they treat him like a beat down dog, well, they’re gonna expect to treat you the same way. If they don’t respect the father, they don’t respect men in general, and they certainly aren’t going to respect you. Doesn’t matter what a good guy you are or how handsome you are.

Like there’s a video going viral on the internet. There was a woman who met a guy, I think it was Tinder or Bumble date. And he plays for the Pittsburgh Pirates or something like that. And so this guy goes out on a date. He clearly has no game because she elaborated on everything he did, everything he said on the date. It’s clear he’s got no game. He just assumed, hey, I’m a Pittsburgh Pirates player. I’m a baseball player, and I’m rich. You should want my cock, basically. And he did. I mean, even when you listen to her talk, she was open to it.

But because he just had no game and he just had the attitude of, hey, I’m a baseball player. You should want to sleep with me. She wasn’t buying what he was selling, and she ditched him. And so everybody is ragging on him going, oh, look, the baseball player can’t get a girl. Oh, the women are terrible. It’s like guys got no game. He’s not gonna pull anybody with that game. If he had never said who he was and he behaved that way anybody would have ditched him. So it’s like, duh, you’ve got to act attractive if you want women to find you attractive.

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