If You Go For Hugs Instead Of Kisses, You Will Eventually Get Friend Zoned

How to avoid friend zone by going for kisses instead of hugs at the end of your dates.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 37-year-old viewer who is new to my work. He used to weigh 310 pounds in high school and is now down to around 220 pounds and exercises and eats right. He’s been on two dates with a new girl he really likes and doesn’t want to screw things up. However, he keeps going for hugs instead of kisses at the end of his dates.

He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a 37-year-old viewer who is new to my work and he says when he was in high school, he graduated I think it was 2006. He said, if I remember right, that he used to weigh 310 lbs, so he was a large man, but now he’s down to 220 lbs. He exercises and he eats right. So it sounds like he’s pretty fit and in shape. He’s been on two dates with a girl that he really likes, and from what he shared in his email, it sounds like he’s doing everything great. However, at the end, he’s had two dates. At the end of both dates, he’s going for a hug instead of the kiss.

As I was kind of talking about in the the first video that I did today, which was one for everybody, for the free members. The title of that video was How To Go From Being Friend Zoned To Her Asking To Come Over For Sex, this particular guy, the girl in that first video, he went for a hug at the end of the first date, and he got friend-zoned right away. Then two months ago, he came across my work, started implementing it and then this girl ended up asking him to come over for sex. So it was a pretty good turnaround because from my perspective on what he shared, that girl’s interest started out low, probably a five or six on a scale of one to 10. This particular guy, I would put this girl’s initial interest at probably a seven. So the fact that he’s just hugged her both times, he’s able to get away with that. It seems like her interest is still high, so he’s able to do those kinds of things for longer. So that’s the difference, but the goal with the book obviously, is to stack the deck in your favor, to put yourself in a position where you’re going to get the best possible chance for success in getting what it is that you want from your interactions with the ladies.

You got to keep in mind, the lower the interest, the fewer things you can screw up before you get friend-zoned or outright rejected. The higher her interest, the more you can screw up before you get rejected. So just imagine this guy goes out with her for two months and never kisses, never advances things physically, at that point, her interest will actually start dropping because then she’s going to see him as weak and lacking in courage and confidence because he never goes for the kiss. So the idea is, when the time is right, you should go for it. If you’re on a date with a girl, as I discussed in the book, I had a date that I wrote about when I was younger. I really wasn’t seeing any signs that this girl was physically interested or into me. So by the time I was taking her home, we had a good time on the date. I still wasn’t sure, but you when you’re spending money, as I know some of you guys are on a budget, it’s like you go out, you get a couple drinks or a bottle of wine and two nice meals, maybe an appetizer or two. You’re easily $100-$150, and you don’t want to go out with a girl two or three times, and then you finally go for the kiss at the end of the third date or fourth date, and you get the cheek. I mean, you could be into into her for three, four or $500 if you’re doing nice things. You don’t want to waste your time or your money on girls that aren’t really interested, because there are women that will be happy to go out with you and have you spend money on them when they’re not really into you.

A good way to make sure, especially when you go out on a date and there’s really no signs of interest like I wrote about in the book with this one particular girl, when I dropped her off, I went to kiss her. I wasn’t sure if she was going to kiss me back or turn the cheek or not, but she kissed. Not only did she kiss me back passionately, she stuck her tongue down my throat. Then she invited me upstairs. So that’s why it’s important to go for it, because going for it and going for the kiss and risking rejection, even if there’s people around you, shows that, “OK well, I know not to waste my time anymore with this girl,” and that saves yourself money because it’s frustrating. When I was younger, I didn’t know any better. I spent a lot of money taking girls out that, quite frankly, I shouldn’t have been going out on dates with. So we want you to have a good experience.

So let’s see what’s going on with this guy.

Viewer Email:

Hello Coach Corey,

I’ve been listening to your videos for over a month now. I downloaded the eBook version of How to be a 3% Man two weeks ago and the Audible version four days ago. I’ve read the eBook once and listening to the Audible version already and I will continue to repeat until I can remember it all.

Good. Ten to 15 times. Then I would say once you’ve got through it, the 10 to 15 times I mean, obviously you got to practice too. You can’t just read and then never practice and expect your life to change. After you get through the first 10 to 15 reads and you feel like you know it backwards and forwards and you’re practicing it, I would suggest once every six months you go through the whole book again just to keep it fresh.

Remember, whatever you observe, you participate in, and if you’re watching TV and movies on a regular basis, whether you realize it or not, you’re getting brainwashed with propaganda that emotionally anchors you to dysfunctional archetypes that are unnatural and the opposite of what’s innate inside of all of us. So the book will give you the awareness of what’s attractive and what’s not attractive, when to make a move, when to back off, those kinds of things.

So these videos and these emails that I go through are real world situations from guys from all over the world that are trying to effectively apply what’s in the book to their specific situation. So don’t be a cherry picker. You got to learn the fundamentals in the book.

I met a girl five weeks ago at a group event. She came up to me and introduced herself to me, as she recognized me from a group event the previous week. We talked for a few minutes before the band started playing but I noticed she and a mutual girl friend of ours stayed next to me for the whole show.

So this guy met this particular girl as part of his social group. I often see guys going like, “How do I meet girls? Where do I go to meet girls?” Meeting women is a side effect of enjoying your life, having a great social life, a great personal life outside of your work. You can also meet a lot of people from work.

As a matter of fact, when you look at stats of like, “Hey, how did you meet your significant other?” One of the top three places that people meet is through work, whether it’s somebody they worked with or somebody they befriended at work and hang out with and they ended up getting introduced to one of their friends or family or whatever and then they started dating them. So being a social person and when you’re not working, going out and doing things that you love and enjoy, like this guy was in some kind of group. It seems like they like to go to music shows because they’re all into watching live music and bands and stuff like that. So if that’s your thing, if that’s something that you love and enjoy, lose yourself in that.

Lose yourself in your hobbies and your interests because that’s how you meet other like-minded women who like the same things. When you meet women, if you love going and watching bands play and perform and you go to a venue like this, who else is going to be there? Other guys and girls that love watching live music. So it makes it really easy to chat them up and talk to them and have things in common and for the conversation to flow, because people who like the same things tend to like each other. Like attracts like. You’re going to have a much better chance of meeting a woman in your social circle, your social life and your social activities and hobbies that you’re involved in, versus hoping to bump into some random girl in the street or at the grocery store or whatever, even though you can meet them that way.

The idea is you’re trying to stack the odds in your favor. You want to fish in the type of ponds that have the kind of fish that you want to catch. That’s why meeting women really is a side effect of having a great social life filled up with activities, hobbies, interests and things that you love doing for fun with other people that like the same things, basically.

So these girls stayed next to him the whole show.

After the show, the three of us talked for about 15 minutes outside before going our separate ways. The following week, I met her again at another music event but this time we were able to talk to each other throughout the night and we hit It off really well. I found out from our mutual friend…

Another thing I want to say is that under normal circumstances, he should have asked her for her number that first time he met her, because the more you hesitate, the more you masturbate. So if her interest is kind of low starting out and she can tell you like her but you don’t have the courage to go for it, that could be enough to make her go, “Ehh.”

The other thing to consider is, you got mutual friends in common. You’re probably going to see her again, and it actually can work to your advantage if you know you’re going to see her again if you don’t hit on her right away, because if your life, your dance card is already full with the ladies, you don’t need another one. You already got enough feminine energy as it is. So you’re going to be nice, you’re going to be polite. In this case, there was chemistry there. They seem to like talking and conversing, but he didn’t hit on her, he didn’t ask her out. So whether he realized it or not, his behavior acted like a guy who was had plenty of girls in his life he didn’t need any more. So if she liked him and he didn’t hit on her, she might be thinking, “Man, I hope I run into that guy again. I got to do something to get his attention and let him notice that I like him,” because that’s what women tend to do. If they like you, they will put themselves into your orbit, they’ll come near you, they’ll hang out. That’s what you’re going to see here.

Then you notice the first night she kind of hung out, her and her girlfriend kind of stuck near him the whole night, even though they weren’t really able to talk, because I mean, when you’re watching live music, it’s pretty fucking loud. You’d go to like, a House of Blues or something like that.

…That she thought I was cute the week before, so I got her number by the end of the night. She texted me her full name right In front of me and I texted mine right back to her. Three days later on that Tuesday, I got in touch with her and set up a dinner date for that Friday night. I picked the location and time, and she agreed. On the date we walked around town and talked for 30 minutes while we waited for our table to be ready. During dinner, I let her do 70-80% of the talking and was able to open her up with some good questions, while she had some good ones herself.

So if she’s asking you questions about you, personal questions about you, this is one of the things in the book, because you’re trying to determine, does this girl really like me or not? Or is she wasting my time? The fact that she asked you personal questions about yourself is evidence that she also likes you. Girls that don’t ask you anything about yourself, they’re either self-absorbed or they’re just have no interest.

Again, you kind of want to be like a detective. You’re trying to take all of the evidence to determine whether or not she’s into you or not because again, I know some of you guys are on a budget and you don’t want to blow a bunch of money on a girl and a bunch of dates, and then you finally go for the kiss to the third or fourth date and you get the cheek. You’re gonna be like, “God damn, I wasted all that fucking time and money with this girl, and all I got was a kiss on the cheek.”

At the end of the night, I walked her to her car, we both said we enjoyed the night, I gave her a hug, then went on my way.

I personally would have gone for the kiss, but maybe the guy is a little timid. Maybe he’s a little shy. It can work to your advantage. Especially if you know the girl’s really into you and you don’t go for the kiss, because then she might be thinking, “Does he not like me? Why didn’t he kiss me? Most guys try to kiss me,” but if she could tell you really want to kiss her and then you don’t, or it’s like you go on and then like the last minute, you kind of freak out, and then you turn your head, that could go bad.

When I got home she sent me a text saying, “Thank you for dinner. I gotta say you’re really easy to talk to. I usually clam up on dinner dates but it was comfortable with you. I enjoyed learning more about you and look forward to seeing you tomorrow.” The next day at a group Friendsgiving event, I played It cool and let her be, “The Cat.” She would walk past me and nudge my foot with hers then keep walking. At one point, I nudged her foot and she turned to me with a joking look of shock on her face and said, “Hey! You can’t to that.” I smiled at her, then turned back to who I was talking to.

So he kind of did what he wanted. He didn’t get mad, he didn’t get upset, he didn’t feel backed into a corner and like he had to start apologizing.

We sat at opposite ends of the room for dinner, but afterwards she came over and sat next to me and we talked for a bit. That night we all went out for dancing and at the end of the night, we both said how much we enjoyed the last two days seeing each other. I gave her a longer hug than the night before and told her to have a safe trip.

Again, you should have gone for the kiss dude, because then you go for a longer hug and it looks like you don’t have the confidence to go for it. The number one strength characteristic that women love in men is confidence. If you constantly go out on dates and then bitch out at the last second trying to kiss her because you’re worried about rejection, she’s going to see you as being a coward instead of being courageous. Again, when the woman’s interest is really high, which it seems to be, you can get away with this, but the longer it goes and he keeps not going for a kiss, eventually she’ll friend-zone him because she’ll just realize he doesn’t have any confidence.

She is a traveling nurse…

Well, one thing I want to say about traveling nurses is that out of the top five categories or jobs that women have that there’s a high incidence of cheating, doctors and nurses are one of the top five. Just like people in law enforcement, military, female bartenders. So that’s something to keep in mind.

…And was going home the next day to spend Thanksgiving with her parents, and she won’t be back until the end of December. When I got home she sent me another text saying, “I really liked my time getting to know you, and I look forward to seeing you and learning more when I come back up.”

I would have said to that is like, “Me too. Let me know when you’re back in town. I’d love to see you.” That’s how I would handle it, because he’s probably gonna bump into her again in the social circle anyways.

Since then, we have kept texting to a minimum and no phone calls. Maybe one or two short text a day, usually when she texts first…

Well, it should be her texting first.

…With a couple days in between with no contact. I’m not trying to get to know her over the phone and I’m waiting until she comes back up here in three weeks. I’m still a mystery to her and I’ll keep it that way until I see her again.

My question is: How often should we have texting contact until she comes back up here?

Well, I’d be letting her initiate most of it, if not all of it. Then maybe you could do a video date maybe a week or two before she gets back, but you haven’t kissed her or anything, so really, I would just let her do the reaching out, send a couple of messages back and forth, and then just let the conversation go. If you think you got to talk to her to fix things or to get her to like you because again, you didn’t go for the kiss when you were with her, now she’s kind of long distance, so you got to be careful what you say. Don’t be trying to crack jokes through text because again, she doesn’t know you yet, so you got to take your time.

Keep the texting to a minimum, and you can send funny memes and stuff like that, but trying to to tease her and crack jokes through text, nine times out of 10, because she can’t hear your voice, she can’t see your face, she doesn’t know the tone of your voice, she doesn’t actually know what you’re thinking and feeling and she doesn’t understand your sense of humor, you could say things that turn her off, and she just disappears. So you just got to be careful with it.

She is pursuing me, and if I don’t write to her for a couple days, she will usually send me a text. The old me would have been blowing up her phone everyday with texts blabbering at the mouth and asking her questions trying to get to know her, and panicking if I didn’t hear from her fast enough. Things seem to be going great so far, but I don’t want to go completely silent or act like I’m ignoring her for the next three weeks. I’m staying very busy doing my hobbies, but is it OK at any point for me to send her a first text after a few days if I don’t hear from her?

I wouldn’t do it.

Or should I keep waiting for her to text first?

I would just let her text first, but when you’re about a week out from her coming back, when she does reach out, I would be like, “Hey, I want to see you next week when you’re back. What’s your schedule like?” And make a definite date. Definite date, definite time, definite place to get together.

Remember, even though we’ve seen each other a few times already, we only had our first date alone together until she’s back up here.

I’m 37 and I used to weigh 310 lbs my senior year in high school (2006) and settled around 220 lbs for the past whatever how many years. Right now, I’m 185 to 190…

Oh, he’s even thinner than he was.

…I work out daily/every other day and eat right. “I’m better than I think I am.” That’s my daily quote to myself.

Thanks Coach, for changing me for the better. 

Bob

Well, definitely I would say on your next date, you got to go for the kiss. You can’t keep hugging her like that, because that just makes you look like a coward. So it’s better to go for the kiss, get rejected and go down in flames than to keep spending time with a girl that’s not really interested. However, if she’s texting you every two or three days, it looks like she’s really into you and wants to keep you engaged because she seems to want to see you when she gets back. I mean, that is what you guys have discussed. So that’s what I would do if I were you. Other than the not going for the kiss, everything else, you’re doing great, man. So good job as a new student!

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.