If You Over-Invest In Her She’ll Probably Take It For Granted

Why over-investing in a woman leads to her under appreciating you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who works with his girlfriend. He likes her way more than she likes him. He over-invests in her and ignores the fact she doesn’t reciprocate the same effort. He just gets mad she doesn’t meet his expectations. This has created resentment in him towards her. She sees his behavior as jealous and insecure.

I tell him what he needs to do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who works with his girlfriend, who I guess he met her at work and he clearly likes her way more than she likes him. So he’s constantly over-communicating his interest and she takes him for granted. The other thing is that when somebody talks shit about her at work, he’s always defending her, but at work, like people kind of know that they’re together, but she’s not unaffectionate at work. It’s just that when people talk about or they ask her what’s going on in her life, she never mentions her boyfriend, she never mentions him, and he finds that odd. There are other guys at the office who are clearly hitting on her. When he’s not around, they’re hitting on her. When he is around, they avoid her and act like they don’t care. So he knows that they’re hitting on her because she obviously is telling him everything.

So he tends to constantly treat her like a priority, and he just totally ignores the fact that it’s not reciprocated on the same level. So you’re supposed to be matching and mirroring her effort and her interest. The problem is now he just kind of resents her for the fact that he’s always defending her. She never defends him. On top of that, it’s like she doesn’t ever talk about him, like she’s proud to have him as her man or her boyfriend. It’s almost like she’s secretive about it, and he wonders if she does that to basically egg these other guys on because she likes the attention from them. When he’s brought it up in the past, she seems to see his behavior as kind of jealous and insecure. So now he’s contemplating maybe even leaving and going and getting another job, I guess, because he kissed her ass and told everybody what a great person she was, that now she’s got promoted and is even, I think, making twice what he’s making, even though he’s a little older and has more experience.

So you can tell he’s kind of, “I helped my girlfriend out. I helped her climb the corporate ladder and she’s like doing nothing for me.” That should never be happening. You should be paying attention to the level of effort and interest that you’re getting back from her. That’s the problem. He’s putting himself last and ignoring that she’s not reciprocating. Then when she doesn’t reciprocate, he gets mad at her, has a conversation, as if he’s going to talk her into it instead of just simply investing at the same level or under investing a little bit more than she invests in him.

So this is the importance of paying attention to how a woman treats you, because if you just focus on your own feelings and your own interest, you’re going to end up in a situation like this guy is, where he’s doing most everything and she’s barely lifting a finger. If a woman loves you and she’s proud of you, she wants everybody to know that you guys are together. If she’s not too sure or her interest is low, or her respect for you is low, she’s going to keep it a secret. That’s pretty obvious. So he sees himself as a priority in her life while ignoring the fact he’s just not. She’s a priority in his life, but he’s not in hers.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach, 

I am paid newsletter viewer on YouTube and have read your book over 10 times in last 5-6 years.

I am in relationship with my co-worker for a little more than a year-and-a-half. She is started to work at my place after graduating, we hit it off and entered the relationship. 

Well, that might be why she’s making more money than him, because she’s graduated. I think he said he’s still got another year to go. So that’s a thing, you know, employers will pay you more if your degree is done.

She was chasing me from the start, on every aspect of private life she is great girlfriend, supportive to finish my college degree, wants to be with me all the time, respects my boundaries, loving, caring, etc. 

She is gorgeous and guys on workplace are hitting on her from the start, even after they found out she is with me (Not from me, people from work saw us multiple times). They, of course, don’t do that in front of me, actually they don’t want to speak to her in front of me, but behind my back they do that. I am OK with that part because she tells me what is going on. 

Well, it also just goes to show you that you’re working with some Judas goats. Guys that pretend to be respectful of your relationship as long as you’re there, but when you’re not, they’re all over. The other part of it is, well she’s kind of egging them on because she’s not like, “Hey, that’s inappropriate. I have a boyfriend.” She clearly likes the attention.

So women that behave that way, typically you find out that the dad is missing or she had a bad relationship with him. So those girls grew up not having a strong father figure. So they don’t learn a healthy way to invite attention from other men. A man who raises her right, has a good relationship with and loves her mother, she loves and respects her mom and dad, it’s just not going to behave this way, but if the girl grows up in a broken home or she watched the parents cheating on each other and their subsequent partners cheating on them as well, that’s what’s modeled at home. So whatever is modeled at home is typically how they’re going to show up. So if you’ve set some boundaries and she violates them, well then you got a problem.

But I have problem with that she never defends me when someone talks shit about me. Also, she never did (Not even once) mentioned me as her boyfriend. 

Well, you should probably stop telling everybody that she’s your girlfriend. Don’t even talk about it. If people ask you, just go, “Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell.”

There is one (By her words “interesting”) male co-worker who is married, from the start they also hit it off. That same co-worker tried to get me fired several times by making up stories, going through my work to find mistakes, talking shit about me to everyone, etc. My good work saved me always so I am proud of that. But whenever that co-worker talks with my girlfriend, she is friendly with him. She never told him that we are together, but as he knows almost every other detail of her life (Except for me), he finally realized that we are together by timelines of holiday trips that my girlfriend and me took together. 

She doesn’t hide the fact we are together in company, but neither ever volunteer that information (In our company is not forbidden to have relationship and there are a lot of couples that are working together).

Well, if it was me, I would just simply give her the same level of priority. Stop talking about it. Stop telling everybody you’re dating. If people ask, just say, “Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell.” If they say, “Come on.” It’s like, “I can neither confirm nor deny anything. I’m James Bond. I’m on a secret mission and I can’t tell you. It’s a need-to-know basis. You don’t need to know.” “Come on, you guys are fucking. Come on.” It’s like, “You’ll never know one way or another. I’m sworn to secrecy. Operational security, my man.”

Also, other co-workers (Which are good with me and respect me) warned me about him.

Yeah, it sounds like he’s trying to get you run out of the company so he can maybe have an affair on his wife with your supposed girlfriend. I always mention her.

I always mention her in situations where I feel someone is interested in me (Especially at college where is a lot of younger girls who are coming to me to talk, try to hang out with me, voluntarily help me with study materials, etc). I talked with her about the married co-worker who is hitting on her, told her that she needs to make distance with him, that she needs to defend me in front of others if they bad mouth me and fact that is common sense which I shouldn’t explain to her. She agreed with that (Although she is sure that I am just jealous and that he tries to be friendly to her), but her behavior never changed.

Just say, “Well, this has nothing to do with being jealous. It’s just respect. The fact that this guy knows that you and I are together in a relationship, but you never say anything, it looks like to him that you’re not happy with us, and that he potentially has a shot to get in your pants, and that’s just disrespectful.”

“So if you’re going to give other people the impression that we’re not together and not talk about me like we are together, well then I’m going to take that under advisement and I’m going to act accordingly with other women at school or at work and I’m not going to talk about you as my girlfriend then, because clearly there’s a mismatch there. So if you’re cool with that, then maybe our relationship will be a little bit more casual. Then I can see other people and you can see other people. If you want me to be exclusive, you need to treat me and be proud of me as your man. If you’re going to treat me like an afterthought, I’m going to do the same. So it’s just incredibly disrespectful because that married guy, when you don’t ever talk about me in any way and he has to put two-and-two together that we’re dating, that makes it look like to him that he’s got a chance to get in your pants.”

“So if you’re going to continue to give him the green light to try, welI I guess I’ll just have to give the green light to the girls that are interested in me, because loyalty and monogamy and exclusivity just don’t seem to be very important to you, if I look at your actions. On top of that, I’ve talked about this to you before and your behavior has not changed. You’re still doing the same thing. So I just want to have that chat with you and let you know where I’m coming from.”

If I were in her shoes, I would not allowed nobody to speak about her that way and would have strictly professional behavior with that coworker after those situations, not talking about, salary, details from private life such as her relations with friends, family, trips she goes (With me, but she never mentions me or the fact that she went on trip with a boyfriend), etc.

All this tells me that she’s way more important to you than you are to her, and you’re just ignoring that. You think using logic and reason to try to talk her into liking you more is somehow going to make her like you more.

That makes me mad, and lately, more and more disappointed in her. At the workplace, I feel like I am only one who needs to defend my honor, that she doesn’t have my back, like I am stranger to her. 

Well again, just match and mirror that. You could have a conversation with her or you could say, “You know what? I’ve had this conversation. I’ve tried to set the boundaries. She still won’t mention me. So these girls at school, well I’m not going to talk about my girlfriend. If they ask about her, I’ll just say, ‘Well, we’re not too serious. We’re just kind of casual right now.’ Maybe we could see other people. I don’t know if I met somebody that was really cool that really lit me up on the inside. I might start dating her too.”

If something starts to happen, if a girl really shows interest and wants to hang out, you could just tell your supposed girlfriend, “Hey, I like you a lot, but there’s another girl at school that’s really interested in me, and since you don’t seem to want people to know that we’re together, then I have to assume we’re just kind of like friends with benefits and fuck buddies. So I’m gonna go out with this other girl and see where that goes. Just want to give you a heads up.”

You can treat it that way if you wanted to because again, you’re really not that important to her, but you’ve had these conversations and her behavior didn’t change. So that shows she don’t respect you and she doesn’t care. Like I said, just based on her behavior, I have to assume that she either has no dad or has a bad relationship with him and he didn’t do a good job of raising her, because she just does not seem like a family-oriented girl. She just seems like a girl for fun and fucking.

Also, as she started to work there, I was praising her everywhere as a worker to open her as much door in corporate world (I have 12 years of experience, she has one-and-a-half years of experience in work, although there is four-year difference between us. She is 26, I am 30) and was learning her everything I know. That made her move up to a project manager position. But as she has a to little experience, she still needs my help with almost everything. On the other side, she never mentions to bosses my help, always just take prizes for work that she did with my help or which I did for her (Because she has too much work to finish everything).

Yeah, so it sounds like you’re even doing some of her job. You’re just kissing her ass and being too fucking nice. So be less available to do those things once you want your help. Say, “I can’t right now. I gotta finish what I’m working on. Maybe an hour or two.”

That makes me feel more and more like a schmuck (or idiot) because right now she has almost twice as big salary than me. 

Well, you kind of did that to yourself. This is what happens when you only pay attention to how much you like a girl, and you just totally ignore the fact that she don’t feel the same and doesn’t reciprocate. Then you try to talk her into reciprocating. Women care about how they feel about you, not what a great guy you are. So she doesn’t do it because she ain’t feeling it, and you should pay attention to that. Have you ever read the book? Makes me wonder…

I feel, as her boyfriend, that I need to help her to get everything she can get, but as a co-worker I am frustrated because she gets promotions on her beauty and finished tasks where I put on side my own projects to help her. 

So you’re putting yourself last, which is not very loving. It’s not what a confident guy does. That’s what a beta male Harry Honda does. That’s why girls say you’re just so nice. “He’s such a nice man, but there’s no chemistry. There’s no spark.” You’re treating her like a celebrity and she’s basically treating you like a fan.

What makes me mad especially is that she is powerful in the moment at the company, but never fights for me like I do for her. 

Again, that’s why you should match and mirror that.

Her words are that I should be on her position and that company is not fair towards me, but that words are only for me (Makes me feel that she says to me what I want to hear, not what she actually thinks).

Well again, if she’s not building you up to everybody else in the company like you are, you should stop building her up to everybody else. You make yourself look like a bitch when you do that. If you act like a bitch, women will treat you like a bitch, dude. So you’re kind of inviting this behavior, doing it to yourself.

As I am writing this, I can see that I should maybe change a job, but I have one year left of college to finish and don’t want to quit working at a company (Which is in my study field). That workplace situation made me starting feel contempt towards her and started destroying our relationship.

I am not sure anymore if she is good life partner for me (Because I can’t count on her that she would have my back when is needed), but also, I understand she just entered work life and she is still learning how life works.

Well again, it’s a question of interest and respect, and you’re only paying attention to how much you like her, and you’re ignoring the fact that she doesn’t like you as much as you like her. That’s part of the reason why she treats you that way, she just takes it for granted. Instead of backing off and following the book, you’re just continuing to do all these things for her. Then you get mad and upset with her, and it just makes you look jealous and insecure. Just stop giving her all this attention. Stop doing all these things for her. Stop kissing her ass. Stop blowing smoke up your boss’s ass about her. Especially if you’re putting your work last and you’re not doing as good a job as you could because you’re so busy trying to make your girlfriend look good.

I tried to talk with her few times about that, one time even lead to arguing with her (I know, my bad, but I am little bit tired of learning her how to act as good partner). 

Well again, her dad didn’t do a good job, clearly. So stop trying to fix her and just see her as she is. If you’ve talked about this to her several times and she still hasn’t changed, if it were me, I would be open to possibilities with these other girls that you know. If something looks like it potentially could come with it, make a date with them, and then tell your girl that you want to see other people, you just like to be friends with benefits with her and sex playmates, but you don’t want to be exclusive anymore. Because after all the time, all the year-and-a-half you’ve been together and the fact you’ve had a number of conversations with her about this and her behavior doesn’t change, “Well, I want a woman that treats me like a priority. A woman that’s proud to have me as her man and tells the whole world about it. Again, I’ve just look at your actions and you don’t treat me as good as I treat you. Therefore, I want to date other people,” and then go out on your date with these other girls.

So I mean, if your girlfriend, after having all of these conversations about boundaries, continually violates them and gives this married guy the green light to continue hitting on her and never mentions you, well what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. That shows you, through her actions, that she doesn’t really respect you or your relationship. I mean, judge her based on her actions. If we look at her actions, as you pointed out, she’s not really a good girlfriend to you.

So I would be exploring some other possibilities, especially if these girls are coming on to you at class or in class that are younger and hotter than her. If she protests about it, just say, “Look, I’ve had a bunch of conversations with you ,and you acknowledge it, but you don’t make any changes. So I’m just going to look at your actions and assume you don’t give a shit. So if you don’t give a shit, I’m not going to give a shit. If you want things to be different, then you got to treat me differently. You got to treat me like I’ve asked. If you don’t want to do that, well then you’re going to lose me to another woman. It’s plain and simple.”

I don’t know if problem is me (Me expecting too much from her as a partner and overreacting) or she should do those stuffs as my partner as I do for her. 

Well again, she clearly wasn’t raised right and she doesn’t respect you or like you enough to want to do these things for you. For whatever reason, she’s either fucked up or her interest is low.

It’s starting to look to me that we don’t share same values. 

Well, that’s probably an accurate statement.

I think of her as loyal girl (Although male orbiter co-worker makes me question that sometimes)…

Make me question it too, because the fact that she hides her supposed boyfriend, doesn’t even mention when you guys work together, that shows she’s creating the conditions to make it easy for him to try to get in her pants. It’s like she’s not stopping him. She’s inviting it. If she’s going to invite attention from other men and she hasn’t stopped despite your conversations, your many conversations about it, well if we look at her actions and bottom line them, well she clearly doesn’t share the value system that you’re looking for.

So if some of these other girls are expressing interest in you, you might as well just set dates and then you can tell your girlfriend that you’re going to see other people from now on, and you’re going to just treat your relationship as a fuck buddy, friends with benefits type of thing.

…But her not having my back when it’s needed bothers me too much. 

I know that this is a long email and you maybe already covered this topic, but if it is not covered, I would appreciate it if you cover it. Feel free to roast my ass, I can only learn something new. 

P. S., I started reading your book again. 

Best Regards, 

Bob

Well, that would be a good start, but like I said, you can’t make good wine from bad grapes. Based upon your woman’s actions and the fact you’ve discussed your boundaries many times and she just continually violates them and doesn’t care, well if it was me and you got all these other hot younger women giving you attention at school, well I’d be making some dates with them. Then tell your girl that you’re no longer interested in being exclusive or that you’re going to date other women. You can text her that.

Even if she bitches and complains, just say, “Yeah, we can talk about it tomorrow or whatever. We can get together this weekend and talk about it, but I’ve made my decision. I’ve had a number of conversations with you. You’re clearly not interested in treating me the way I want to be treated. So I’m going to find somebody else, but we can still hook up and fuck each other’s brains out until that happens, but you’re going to eventually lose me to another woman because you just don’t value me. You don’t treat me good. So I’m going to move on.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.