If You Start Pursuing After She Breaks No Contact You’ll Get Ghosted Again

Why you never pursue after she breaks no contact or you’ll chase her out of your life again.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got ghosted by a woman back in 2019 who went back to her boyfriend. She reached out back in August because she broke up with her boyfriend again. However, instead of letting her pursue him at her pace, he started pursuing her and chased her right back out of his life.

My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, as I say, you never really want to burn a bridge if a woman, dating is like tennis. So if a woman stops hitting the ball back over the net, you just walk away and never look back.

This particular email is from a viewer, and it looks like he’s been following me for a while, and he made a classic mistake that a lot of guys make after the girl breaks no-contact. What’s typically happened in almost 100% of these cases is that the guy pursued too much. He over-pursued and chased her basically right out of his life, to the point where he just gets totally ghosted. So obviously when that happens, it’s like the door slamming in your face, and then you walk away and you never look back. So from that point forward, if she ever does reach out, she messed it up. If she just totally ghosted you, well she’s got to earn another chance with you. Not the other way around.

A big mistake guys make is when the woman breaks no-contact and does come back, she’ll reach out a couple of times, then they start trying to pursue her again and speed the courtship up. As the weeks go by, what they notice is her messages get shorter, she takes longer to reply, she’s less available to get together. Then she dips again. So that’s why if the woman dumped you, ghosted you, or blown you off, or friend-zoned you, you never, ever reach out again for any reason. Even if she does reach out, she’s got to do all the pursuing because she screwed it up. She’s got to fix it. In other words, you’re willing to give her another chance to earn you back, but she’s got to treat you properly. She’s got to do all the work because again, she fucked it up. Therefore, she’s got to fix it.

So if a woman breaks no-contact, you make a date, then you hang out, have fun and hook up. You don’t go back to the once-a-week rule from the book. That really only applies to somebody you just met and started dating. When a woman has disrespected you by ghosting you, like in this case, this guy got ghosted all the way back in 2019 when he was dating this girl, and then she went back to her boyfriend, well six years later basically, she broke up with her boyfriend again, reached out to him, and they started hanging out, having fun and hooking up, and what did he do? He went right back to pursuing her again, trying to speed things up. Now he’s ghosted again. So this is predictable. I say not to do this, but a lot of guys just can’t help themselves. They don’t follow instructions.

Viewer Email:

Hello Coach,

I hope you are doing well. I have an interesting situation I thought I’d share with you.
I met this girl back in 2019 and she completely knocked my socks off.

So in other words, she was so hot. She was like Kryptonite to him. In other words, he couldn’t handle it. He just fell apart, chased her right out of his life.

We went on a few dates and admittedly I started pursuing too much (Before I started following your work) and eventually got ghosted.

Yep, that’s why again, you go no-contact. Not because you’re going no-contact and then she reaches out and then you go back to your pursuit. No-contact means you’re walking away forever. If she wants another chance with you, she’s got to earn it. So if she reaches back out, you can make a date at your place to make dinner in the evening, hang out, have fun and hook up. Just like 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back lays out for you, but she’s still going to do all the reaching out. Then you make dates.

Where a lot of guys make the mistake is they start pursuing again. Then as they start to pursue, it actually gets in the way of her coming back. Instead of her interest going up dramatically, it starts to flat-line because he’s not really giving her enough time and space away from her to wonder about him, to think about him, to miss him. Which is exactly what happened the first time around. He couldn’t help it because he wanted her so bad. He was so fearful he was going to lose her. He just kept calling and texting and as she took longer to reply, she became less available for dates. He kept ignoring that, kept thinking, “I got to do more. I got to make things happen,” and then he just poof! Completely got ghosted.

She reached out two months later apologizing and letting me know that she ended up getting back with her ex, so I wished her all the best.

In a normal circumstance, he says, “Hey well, if it doesn’t work out, hit me up. If I’m still single, we can go out on a date.”

Fast forward to August of this year, six years later…

That’s the boomerang booty. The booty boomerang.

…She reached out to me and I decided to give it another chance. We went on nine dates over the span of a couple months. It started off very hot, but I could tell she started to slowly pull away.

He didn’t match and mirror her behavior and when she pulled away, he kept pursuing.

So this is normal. If she just had a breakup, especially with a guy that she was with for who knows how many years, eight, 10 years, maybe probably with this guy, you should expect hot and cold behavior. So when she pulls away and becomes a little distant, you don’t hear from her for several days or a week. That shouldn’t cause you to change anything in your behavior.

Again, if you’re giving her another chance to win you over, you don’t have to call her, you don’t have to text her, you don’t do anything because again, she’s supposed to be winning you over. She’s supposed to be making the effort. Remember, he pursued to the point where she stopped replying to him. So at some point you go, “OK well, if I’m getting completely ignored, I’m going to disengage permanently.”

To give context from what she tells me, she was with this guy for nine years (They took a break in 2019 when me and her went out). Last time I reached out October 2nd to set up a date…

See? There you go! You’re not supposed to be doing that. 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back lays this out for you. There is a reason why you don’t pursue. I tried it this way when I was younger. It didn’t work. She’ll be hot for a few weeks, and then it goes right back to being lukewarm. Then, boop! But he didn’t listen. She’s supposed to be doing all the pursuing because she fucked it up. Therefore, she’s got to fix it.

All I can do is suggest, but if you want to do the opposite, you shouldn’t be surprised when you get blown off. You shouldn’t have been contacting her at all for making dates. She should have been contacting you. Then you should have been assuming the reason why she actually contacted you wasn’t the meme, to see how you were doing, or the magic pickup line that all women use, which is “Heyyy.” Just assume she wants to see you and you make a date. What happened was you did exactly what you did the first time around. You were excited. It started off hot and heavy and you thought, “Ah, finally I got my my chance.” The only reason it didn’t work out last time is because that pesky boyfriend, well what ended up happening last time was you chased her right back into the arms of the ex with your over-pursuit, and it looks like that’s what you’re doing here. Either chasing her back into that guy’s arms or maybe in the arms of another orbiter.

At the end of the day, you shouldn’t have been reaching out, but you did anyways, so enjoy the consequences of that. I did the same thing a number of times when I was young, 25 years ago, and I realized, “Wow, that doesn’t work. I really do need to let her do all the reaching out.” When you do that, even if she’s hot and cold, it doesn’t really matter. She reaches out. You’re happy to hear from her. You make the next date. If she comes over three dates in a row and you hook up all three times, you can meet her out and pick her up, but she’s always got to contact you first, and then you make dates. That’s laid out in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, but he cherry picked. You would think after six years that he would have gotten over this and would have had tighter game, but apparently not. This woman is his Kryptonite.

…But she gave me the, “I’ll get back to you” and I did not hear back from her so I have gone no-contact. 

I have been dating other girls and having an abundance mentality, but she’s my ideal woman in a lot of ways…

Well, you don’t know that. You really don’t know her. You’re projecting your fantasy.

…So I definitely would love any feedback/advice on the situation. She just recently started throwing breadcrumbs and liking all my Instagram stories, but I have not reached out.

So this is what happens. You you started pursuing her again and I tell you in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, you don’t pursue. After that, you don’t pursue after you get blown off or ghosted. She’s got to do all the contact initiation. That’s where you went wrong. You didn’t follow instructions because you were overeager, you were needy, you were clingy, and you were like, “Oh, I’ll speed this up.” So you stopped moving forward.

Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. Then she thought, “Oh, what happened to Bob? I haven’t heard from Bob.” She did say she was going to get back to you. She didn’t say when. She just said she would. Remember when he asked her out, she said, “I’ll get back to you,” and it’s been a couple of weeks. Clearly, her interest dropped because he started pursuing her again. She got turned off and she’s probably confused by the fact that she was really excited to hear from Bob or see Bob again. Now two weeks have gone by and she clearly hasn’t missed him, but she’s starting to like his Instagram stories. Then what happens typically after that is when she calls you or texts you, it’s just the way they are.

Quit trying to interrupt your fun. Leave her the fuck alone. Let her do all the reaching out and when she reaches out, assume she’s had enough time. Assume she’s checked her schedule and when she reaches out, just say, “Hey, good to hear from you. When are you free? I want to see you.” Just like nothing ever happened. Then make the next date. Then after that date, say, “Call me later” or whatever. Do not reach out and start pursuing again. You should have recognized by now it’s counterproductive, because also, what’s probably happening is he starts to pursue her to speed things up, and then she starts to back off. Then he keeps pursuing and she keeps backing away more and he can’t help it because he’s only paying attention to his super high interest in her. Again, he thinks this is his dream girl, so he’s treating her completely different than he should be treating her.

Felt like this might be a good video coaching lesson for the viewers. Also thank you for everything you do you have been a huge part of me turning my life around for the better. I have read the book seven times but definitely need to fine tune my approach.

Best Regards,

Bob

Well, if you’ve been following me for six, seven years, you barely got through the book seven times. You need to go through it immediately, especially now that this girl is back in your life, because that tells me you didn’t really take it seriously when I told you to read it 10 to 15 times and how I talk about how to implement 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back again, you’re like a cherry-picker. You’re half-assing it, and it blew up in your face.

So now would be a good time to take reading the book seriously and to also go back through 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, because she should be doing all the reaching out, and then you should just be making dates when she does, because she reaches out when she’s had enough time away from you, when she’s had enough of that mystery and unpredictability, and you texting and calling before she does interrupts that process. That’s why she backed away, because her interest was going down and she’s wondering like, “What the hell? “Because she was so into you at first, but women don’t understand, for the most part, how attraction works. All they know is that their feelings have changed and she went from being really excited to talk to you and see you again, to not caring because you literally did exactly the same thing that got you rejected six years ago.

This is a common mistake. I tried this when I didn’t know any better. At this point, I’ve been teaching this for 20 years and this is the best way to go about it. What’s listed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back is going to give you the best possible chance for success. If you cherry-pick things and you continue pursuing when she comes back, you’ll chase her right out of your life, which is what looked like has happened here. She is interacting with his social media posts, so usually within a couple of weeks that means she’ll reach out again, but we also have to assume there’s a good chance she went back to the ex-boyfriend, because she went back to him and they were together for six years, so we have to assume he’s still probably in the background somewhere. That’s why you cannot pursue somebody, especially when they just had a breakup like this. I mean, it’s all laid out, but again, if you’re going to do the opposite of what I teach, well you shouldn’t be surprised that now you’re ghosted again.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.