What typically happens in long term relationships when a man stops dating his woman and starts treating her like a roommate who will always be there, be loyal and be faithful.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who shares a heartbreaking story about how his marriage ended. When he first met his wife eight years ago, it was love at first sight. He says everything was perfect, in sync and she was his first love. They got engaged after four years of dating, and four years later they got married. This past year has been really difficult, as he was by his father’s side while he was dying of cancer. Then, he had to take care of his mother and his sister who is learning disabled. His best friend since he was five years old was living with him and his wife to help offset their bills before they were to buy a house. His friend seemed to be grumpy all the time, but would not tell him why. He knew things were off in his relationship, but he could not figure out what it was. Then his wife unexpectedly ran off with his best friend. He does not understand why or how this happened and asks my opinion, as he feels the two closest people to him betrayed him. My comments are in (bold parenthesis like this below) in the body of his email:
I’ve been following your work for a few months now, and I’m on my third read of your book. Everything makes so much sense now, and whenever I feel down or defeated, I read your book and watch your videos to get me positive again. Thank you for that. You’re the man!
As you can probably guess, I stumbled upon your work after shit hit the fan. (Most people show up here for the same reason.) Well, I met my ex wife 8 years ago, and when I did, it was love at first sight. As you said in a video of yours, this is a very real thing! (Like attracts like, and it’s a beautiful thing.) Everything was perfect. Everything we did and felt was in sync. I was almost 23 and she had just turned 19. She was my first love. We decided to get engaged 4 years into the relationship and married 4 years later. We took our time, as a piece of paper saying we were married wouldn’t change how we felt towards each other.
As time went on after our engagement, we became complacent, as we moved in together. It wasn’t a bad thing… at first anyway. (This is what happens when you’ve been together a long time. You can’t help becoming complacent. It happens to everybody.) We had arguments sometimes, but settled them quickly. We moved out of a 1-bedroom apartment and into a bigger place to fit our needs, but with our really good friend, my best friend since 5th grade, to help cover the cost, and he needed a place to live too. (It’s not really a good idea to let a guy like that move in with you. What happens is predictable. If he was a good, honorable guy, he would tell you he was talking with your wife, and he would say you need to start taking her out more.) It worked out, bigger place for less money.
Everything was great until a year before we got married, which was the second year of our lease. We were planning on buying a house the next year, just the two of us, but my father became very ill with cancer, and in a short time, he passed. I was by his side the whole time and put my relationship on the back burner. (That’s not a good thing to do. You always have to court your wife or your girlfriend.) She completely understood. It was a very hard time in my life, as he was my hero. I had to then be the strong man my pops taught me to be and support my mother and sister with a learning disability emotionally. Over the year, I spent a lot of time helping my mother get on her feet, and as time passed, she was becoming more independent. However, I was also losing grip of my relationship, as I have come to learn. (You had your single, supposed best friend living with you, who was obviously envious of you and the success you had, and he was plotting and scheming to rip off your wife, because he was too much of a weak bitch to get his own woman.) I was so naive to think things would be fine in our marriage. Things didn’t seem right between us, and I couldn’t figure it out. My best friend was always grumpy, and she was always trying to figure out why. He wouldn’t talk much to me about his frustration, but he would to her. It seemed they had a brother/sister relationship, so they went on a walk together. A week later, after my wife became increasingly cold towards me, I learned he admitted his love, and apparently she fell in love with him too. All while I was taking care of my/our family.
Words were exchanged, almost fists, and I filed for divorce. The two closest people in my life betrayed me. I feel he should have left once he developed feelings. (Well, that’s what a real man would’ve done, but a real man wouldn’t have been in that situation to begin with.) I totally understand her falling out of love with me. (At the end of the day, she obviously complained about it and told you about it. It wasn’t a complete shock, and you’ve realized you neglected courting her, but it still does not excuse the behavior of your best friend. Realistically, if it hadn’t been your best friend, it would have been some other dude though.) Everyone hates them, including his family, for what they did to me. They are together and didn’t wait for us to be divorced to get together. The worst part is that she was keeping in contact with my sister, who doesn’t understand what’s going on. She’s 37, but can’t grasp the complexity of the situation. I asked my ex to not mention me in their talks and to be loving towards her. Over Christmas, she sent my sister a gift card and a nice note saying to call her to get together and go shopping with the card. My sister called and asked for her to call back. I told my sister to let her make the next move. My ex never called back.
Is she crazy? (No, she’s just selfish. If your ex had integrity, had a strong sense of right and wrong, and was a good communicator, she would’ve ended the marriage first before dating your best friend.) What the hell happened to her? (You stopped dating and courting her, you stopped taking care of her, you were focused on your family and you took her for granted. You just assumed she would always be there for you.) How do people that close to you dump you and your lives together off so easily? (This didn’t happen instantaneously. You’ve been neglecting her for a long time dude.) Am I crazy for wanting an explanation, or should I just swallow it and move on? (Even if you did ask her for an explanation, she’s never going to give you a straight answer. The bottom line is, if you don’t date your wife or girlfriend, eventually some other dude will.) This one was complicated. Thank you again for your help Corey! You’ve made a huge impact on my life and are helping get through this!
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“If you don’t date your wife or girlfriend, eventually some other guy will. Guys who struggle in long-term relationships typically make the same mistakes. After several years of being together and living together, they get caught up in work, life or unexpected challenges and start treating their women like roommates who will stick around no matter what. This causes women to feel unloved, unappreciated and unwanted. Women typically will protest and try to communicate what they need, but many men just take them for granted, tell them they are being unreasonable, ignore them, ask them to be patient and nothing really changes. Eventually the women fall out of love and either end the relationship or start a new one with someone else who makes them feels special, the way they once did. Predictably, the men are shocked and crushed once their women are gone and say they never saw it coming. The courtship never ends in a relationship. Women know if a man really truly cares, he will continually show her through his actions, by continuously dating and courting her, even when life is difficult or full of challenges.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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