In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says he has read my book 12 times, but has yet to have any success with women. He lists all of the challenges that he has in his pickup, dating, and relationship game by category in his email. He’s worried about things that may or may not happen, or that he’s unprepared for when dating women or in a relationship with them. His problem is, that unless he actually starts talking to women, and starts asking them out, he’s never going to have any dates that will lead to a relationship. He’s so afraid of getting rejected, that he is stuck in the Paralysis of Analysis. He’s constantly reading my book and watching my videos, but not doing anything to help himself because of the story that he has invented to keep himself from taking any action. I point out the dysfunctional stories that he is telling himself that are preventing him from taking any action to gain any experience, and thus get better. I discuss what he needs to do to overcome his fear of rejection and start getting some experience, so he can eventually attract a really great girl into his life to have a relationship with.
Hi Coach Corey Wayne,
I’ve read your book 12 times now, and I still struggle with some huge issues regarding pick-up, dating, and relationships. I’m doing everything that I’m supposed to do to be a well-rounded alpha male. I train, I study Mechanical engineering in my 4th year, and I already received a bachelor’s degree. (You’re focusing on your purpose and your mission which is what you should be doing, but things are not where they should be in your personal life.) In other words, I’m trying to become a better version of myself. I’m the type of guy where if I see the hand proves results there, I will do whatever it takes to have the same results. (There is overwhelming evidence that what I teach works, but you are still looking for proof. Watch my video, “Improving Your Social Skills” on the Home page of my YouTube channel and start practicing the fundamentals.) I’m also planning to become an entrepreneur in the future, and would certainly book a phone call session when I can afford it. I’m a poor student at the moment.
Pick Up - I still struggle with picking up women. I generally don’t find it hard to talk to them, but as I’m about to ask for their number, I black out in a sense. What should I do to stop worrying if I will get rejected? (Follow what I teach in the video “Improving Your Social Skills” step by step.) In essence, the ones I do really like share mutual friends with me, and therefore, I don’t want bad rumors to spread. (This is a story you tell yourself about why you can’t talk to anybody. If you’re talking to random strangers in a mall, this isn’t going to happen.) I feel, in a sense, if I get rejected, then I can’t seem to talk to her anymore, and that will affect the relationship I have with her, and her mutual friends as well. In other words, I’m afraid to get rejected. (You’re not doing anything. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue.) I think that’s the main reason why I get so frustrated every time I don’t want to go the “extra mile.” I still have the attitude problem, “I’m not worthy,” and therefore blow off many opportunities. (If you don’t talk to any women and you don’t ask any women out, you’re not going to have any dates.)
Dating - I’m a full time student and I honestly can’t afford going out to expensive restaurants and cafes if I ever have multiple dating options. (Look at the story he’s telling himself. In almost every city, there are some sort of cheap, interesting historical places to visit. Get a part-time job if you need some extra money. Find a way, not a way out.) Do you have any suggestions for a poor student like me as to how I can make dating inexpensive? Could you make a short list of what I can do as a poor student to make the dating experience joyful for both of us?
Relationship - As you’ve stated in your book, we’ve got the pick up, dating and relationship phases. I’m just wondering, in the relationship phase, if everything goes well, and she does most of the pursuing, should it be kept that way in the long run — guys 20% and women 80% pursuing? (Yes, all the man needs to do is start the courtship. Women are natural bonders, nurturers, and connectors. As the woman reaches out to you and you set dates, there is no reason for you to continue to reach out after the first 2-3 dates.) I know, however, if she ever backs off, then you need to do it and wait a few days before calling her to ask her out on date, i.e., keep courting her, or wait for her to contact you, and then make a definite date. It all depends on the situation though.
Finding Quality Women - I find the majority of women’s values aren’t aligned with my values, and I feel it’s a little bit difficult to find the ones I really like. (In your case you aren’t talking to anybody, so you aren’t going to find any women. You’ve got to get through the no’s to get to the yes’s.) Where should I go to find the women I really like? (Practice with women out of town first, then go to your college campus, which is a target rich environment, and ask women out.) I come from a strict, conservative, Vietnamese Catholic family, and they only want me to date Asian girls. However, I find it even harder to date Asian girls. (Date anyone you want, and tell your family to stay out of your life.)
My response to him:
Look at all of the bullshit stories you are telling yourself to keep from doing anything to improve your pickup, dating, and relationship skills. You fear being rejected, and looking bad in front of other people or your peer group. You’re worrying about things that happen in the relationship phase regarding how much contact you should make, etc., when you’re not even talking to women, much less going out on dates with them. You are suffering from what I call “The Paralysis of Analysis.” You say you’ve read my book 12 times, yet you are not practicing anything. You must participate in your own rescue. If you really knew my book, then you would know that when it comes to calling, texting, and contact, as a woman’s attraction for you grows, and you let her come to you at her own pace, she will contact you more and more as time goes by, until she’s calling and texting you several times a day. When that is happening, there’s no reason for you to reach out at all. You just wait to hear from her, and make your next date when you get to that phase. Nowhere in my book do I say you need to take women on expensive dates. You are a college student and don’t have much money. Take her for coffee, nickel beer night, a picnic basket by the lake, miniature golf, bowling, beer and darts, shooting pool, going to a park, etc. Figure it out. You’re an engineering student. You’re a smart guy. Use Google Maps on your phone and find interesting historical places nearby that are inexpensive to get in to. If you don’t have much money, get a part time job. The only way you’re going to get better is with time and repetition. The only way you’re going to meet a woman, is by opening that big hole in your face and talking to them. It’s a numbers game. If you talk to enough women, and are inquisitive enough, and ask enough women out, eventually you’re going to find the perfect girl for you. Your assignment is, I want you to ask out 100 different women in person over the next 30 days. That’s 25 women per week. Go to a large mall, trade show, walk around on campus, and put yourself in areas where there are hundreds and hundreds of people and women you can practice on. Keep a log of your approaches and the results. Worldwide, the numbers are as follows for my clients: Ask out a 100 different women, 10-12 will go out with you, and 3-5 will end up sleeping with you if you follow what I teach in my book. That means, you’re going to fail 80-90% of the time. Watch the video on the home page of my YouTube channel under Essential Fundamental Videos titled, “Improving Your Social Skills.” Do exactly what it says, and follow the progression. Getting to where you want to be is simply a matter of time and repetition. It’s time to get off your ass, put your big boy pants on, and start acting like a man instead of a little boy who’s too scared to come out from underneath his bed.
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Our fears around doing things that scare us are always worse than actually doing what we fear. Since people will do more to avoid pain than they will do to gain pleasure, irrational fears are the number one cause of people not achieving their dreams and reaching their full potential. Human beings have two primary fears, 1) fear that we’re not enough, in other words we don’t have what it takes to succeed, and 2) fear that we won’t be loved and accepted by our friends, family, or peer group. We’re all living in bodies that are one day going to die. In order to become what we want and achieve what we want, we must be willing to do the things that we fear or that scare us. Otherwise, our destiny is a life of mediocrity and one day being on our death bed regretting what we didn’t do or try to do.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne