I’m Fit & In Shape, But My Girlfriend Is Fat & Won’t Take Care Of Herself

Some things to consider if you are into health & fitness but your girl is not and is gaining weight.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 41-year-old viewer who has been dating a woman for eight months who is fat and has no interest in health, exercise or physical fitness. He had hoped she would change, but she only seems to be getting worse and letting herself go. He’s not even attracted to her which causes him to not be interested in having sex with her.

He loves her potential, but she doesn’t appear to have any interest in changing. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who is 41 and he’s been dating a woman for about eight months who’s fat, has no interest in health, exercise or physical fitness. He had hoped initially when they started dating that he’d be a good influence and he’d get her in shape or help her get in shape, but it hasn’t turned out that way. As a matter of fact, she’s actually getting bigger and he doesn’t really have interest in having sex with her. He likes her as a person, but he’s just not attracted to her. He’s like, “What the hell do I do?”

Well keep in mind, the title of the book is Woman of Your Dreams, not how to settle for some obese woman who doesn’t give a shit and is letting herself go, because part of love includes loving yourself and valuing yourself. As a late, great Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you and you take care of you for me,” but it takes two to tango. Ideally, typically what you see is that if you’re into physical fitness and taking care of yourself, then whoever you date and end up in a relationship with should also be into physical fitness and taking care of themselves, because otherwise what you’re doing is you’re trying to fix this person. You’re falling in love with their potential. You’re loving them for what they could be instead of meeting them where they are. It’s just not a good way. It’s just like the same reason women get in relationships with guys that are a mess, can’t hold down a stable job. “He’d be the perfect boyfriend if I could just fix this one thing about him.” You got to love people as they are where they are, not their potential or what they could be because you’re usually going to be disappointed.

From a coaching perspective, you can’t want more for somebody than they want for themselves. In other words, don’t care more about somebody else’s life than they care, because you’re always going to be disappointed. A lot of us do that. We love people that are close to us. We care about them like, “Hey, you’re big. You’re overweight. You’re fat. Come to the gym. Come work out. Eat healthier.” They just won’t do it. That’s life, man. If you are fit and in shape, then you date somebody that’s fat and they have no interest in it and they’re only going to get fatter, if you stay with them what’s going to happen over time is you’ll become more like them. You’ll tend to not go to the gym as much and let yourself go because she doesn’t care. I mean, 74% of all Americans are either overweight or obese, 74%! Most people tend to major in minor things.

You’ve got to make sure your goals and values are aligned. If physical fitness and health and training are important to you, they got to be important to whoever you end up in a relationship with. Otherwise, they’re going to be a negative drain on you. It’s going to be like trying to move forward in life while you got a giant fucking boat anchor you’re dragging behind you that’s wrapped around your neck. It’s not easy.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

I’m 41 and have been dating a woman for eight months. We were friends before we dated and I never thought of us getting together, but it just happened one day. She is great in many ways. She’s loving, affectionate and she cares about me. She’s thoughtful, intelligent, we have great conversations, I feel very comfortable to be around her and we get along well. 

There is one major problem though. She is overweight and I’m not attracted to her physically. I consider myself in shape and workout often. I was hoping that she would change to lose weight and become more fit but it doesn’t seem like that is going to happen. In fact, it seems like it might be getting worse.

Yeah, now that she’s comfortable and she’s got somebody, she’s probably going to gain even more weight. She’s magnifying what she already is in your relationship. Remember, you got to make sure your goals and values line up, and I would say more than likely you were lonely and you hadn’t met anybody that you liked and you thought, “Well, I would like to bust a nut.” Then as soon as you slid it in, she probably became really obsessed with you and you just kind of went along with it.

I don’t really look forward to sex with her. I’ve only been able to “finish” with her maybe five times in eight months due to the lack of physical attraction. She does please me with oral and there are no problems there. 

My girlfriend before this was very attractive and in shape but she was very avoidant and not much fun to be around. I do miss the sex though. I was so turned on by her appearance and abilities. It’s difficult to go from someone like that to what my girlfriend is like now.

You settled dude. Plain and simple. You settled and this is what happens. Guys have a breakup and they think or they hope they’re going to meet somebody even better within like 90 days. After 90 days goes by and it doesn’t work out, then they start talking themselves into going back.

I was having a phone session with a guy just recently was in the same boat. He knew his relationship wasn’t ideal with his girlfriend and he’s fit and in shape, very outgoing, girls were coming on to him and he wasn’t really feeling it with the girl he was with. So he broke it off. Then when he broke it off, on top of that, he quit his job. So then he was sitting at home, not having much of a purpose and a mission anymore. After 90 days, when he first broke up with her, he was like, “Man, I’m going to find somebody that is 10 times hotter than this. I’m excited about my future.” Then when it didn’t happen within 90 days, he was thinking, “Oh shit, what I have was wasn’t that bad after all. I lost the love of my life. I got to get her back.” Then he was thinking about going back to her, even though he wasn’t that into it. By that point, she was starting to heal and move on and wasn’t really down to take another trip with him down Lover’s Lane.

So what happened was he was just thinking of settling. This happens a lot with guys. They end a relationship because they’re not really happy. Then they think they’ll meet somebody way better, and it’ll happen in a few weeks or a few months, because as most guys experience, when they’re single, it seems like no girls are interested, but as soon as they have a girlfriend, it’s like there’s all these girls that are showing interest and wanting to fuck them, and they think as soon as they break up and they’re single, that they’re going to be lining up around the block and then their vibe changes. They go from being indifferent and having plenty of women in their life, plenty of feminine energy, their balls are drained dry, and then all of a sudden they got blue balls and they’re sexually frustrated and they come off as a little desperate, a little needy, a little too hungry. Women can sense that, they can pick up on that. Then they get into a situation where they’re in a pussy embargo. Then they start thinking about, “Who do I know I could bust a nut with?” And think, “Oh, what about the ex? What about her?” Then they want to go back. Then you go back, and all the things that turned you off about her to begin with are still there. She didn’t become a different person. You just wanted to settle because you wanted to give up after only 90 days. So you got to keep that in mind.

I talk to friends and my therapist about it and they all say, eventually you don’t have much sex later in life anyway…

That is not true. In a mediocre and unhappy relationship. Typically relationships that go to distance and both people are happy they’re still having sex two to three times a week, even when they’re fucking old and the woman’s tits are sagging down to her knees and his fucking belly and he can’t see his dick anymore because he’s got a big old beer belly or whatever. He’s let himself go. It’s like when two people love each other and have a good relationship, they still fuck when they’re old. Two to three times a week is the standard for healthy couples that are in relationships where they’re happy and they’re healthy. They’re typically having sex two to three times a week. Unhappy couples are only having sex once or twice a month. Unfortunately, most people major in minor things.

So the therapist, probably from their perspective, that’s what they see in most of their clients. So they’re not really having sex, but they’re not really in relationships that are really blowing their skirt up anyways, but that’s the majority of people. Again, when 74% of all Americans are either overweight or obese, they’re not just settling because why aren’t they taking care of themselves? Why aren’t they working out? Because they’re not really that happy. They’re not happy about who they’re with. They’re not happy about their lives. They’re not really happy about what they do for a living. They’re just kind of existing and just trying to get through life, trying to gut it out and convince themselves that this is just the way it is, everybody’s like this, and all their friends and family typically are like that as well. So if you’re surrounded by friends that have settled and you’re talking to a therapist where most of the people that they’re talking to have settled, that’s to be expected.

You are who you associate with. The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the expectations of your peer group. Like this kind of mentality, when I was in my early 20s after I had gotten engaged to my ex-wife, I didn’t feel like I wanted to get married. I wasn’t ready to, but I was talking to everybody around me, “Oh Corey, you just got cold feet.” I was like, “But I’m 24, 25 years old. I’m not ready to get married and have a family. I just don’t feel that. “Oh, it’ll pass. Just give it time. Once you’re really with them for a long period of time, all those feelings will go away, and you’ll live happily ever after.”

What I realized, looking back, most of those people I was talking to, they had settled and we all try to validate our life choices through other people. If we convince other people around us or close to us to choose the same life and lifestyle we did, then it validates our choices, and “Hey, we made the right choice because Bob and Sally made the same choice as me and they’re like me. I did the right thing.” It’s a cope. Just like this guy started hooking up with his obese friend because it was the only thing around, and now he’s kind of stuck. He was saying, “Well, maybe I can work with this. Maybe I can get her to start working out.” Like, she has no interest in it. It’s not her value system.

That’s what happens. Your values are not aligned. He was with a hot fit other woman previously who he loved fucking, and this girl, he has no interest in sex. You’re going to end up as roommates, and then you’ll end up two fat people that have a loveless, sexless relationship. That’s not a victory. Woman Of Your Dreams. Not how to settle for the fat girl that doesn’t care about herself or love herself enough to take care of herself. You want to have somebody that already has that value system. If you’re into physical fitness, you got to date women that are into physical fitness as well. Otherwise, you’re going to slack off and become like them.

…So I should just be happy to have someone who loves me and I like spending time with. I don’t know if I agree. So now I’m in this awkward situation. I don’t want to be a shallow person…

Dude, you got to want what you want. You’re not going to be happy settling.

…And break up with her just because of her appearance, but I’m also feeling very unfulfilled.

What would you do in this situation?

Thank you for all the good work you do!

Bob

Well number one, I wouldn’t be in this situation to begin with. I would have never settled and hooked up with a fat girl and given her the impression that you want to have a relationship with her. It’s just a bad way to go. That’s hard. You’re lonely, you want to bust a nut, you’re hanging out with her, you get along well and you’re thinking, “Wow man, she’d be great. If she would just lose weight. She’d be great if she was thin.” I got a high school buddy that was not an attractive dude, kind of a goofball and such a dork, but he’s always dated cute but fat girls. Like really pretty, but fat girls, and that’s one after another. He’s happy, but that’s him, and guess what? I remember when we were younger, he was fit, in shape and working out and he met a really pretty girl, but she was fat and they got married. It didn’t work out, but he let himself go. Now he’s big and fat and he’s with someone that’s big and fat and they’re fat and happy together, but at least she’s beautiful in his eyes.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but in this case, you like fit and in shape. That’s part of your value system. So you should be with a woman who has the same value system as you, because the more you stay with her, the more you’re going to resent it. Then you’ll start saying things and insulting her. I mean, if she just keeps getting bigger and bigger, you’re not even going to want to have sex with her anymore. Then you’re roommates. How is that an upgrade? It’s like you settled. You went from a smoking hot, but kind of crazy or avoiding girl, now find one that’s the whole package. I mean, you got the answers right here. It’s not how to settle for a woman you’re not into. It’s the Woman Of Your Dreams. In other words, you don’t talk the woman of your dreams out of liking you and sleeping with you.

So here you are, you’re faced with what most human beings are faced with, is how important are your goals and your values to you? Are you going to end things and move towards somebody that shares the same goals and values, or are you going to settle? Because if you settle with her, it’s like you’re putting one foot in the grave. You’re going to shorten your life. The less you take care of yourself, the less you do cardio, the less you do weight training, the worse your diet, the quicker you’re going to die. I mean, that’s the sad reality. All you got to do is look around.

Most people major in minor things, and I’m all about peak performance and what you’ve written me a letter here is you settled for what was easy because she was there. The harder thing to do, or the better thing to do, would be for you to leave her and go find somebody who shares your goals and values. Maybe the reason why you left her is because she doesn’t love and value herself enough to take care of her body and be fit and in shape. Maybe losing you is what creates so much pain in her that she’s like, “You know what? I’m sick of being the fat girl,” and she’s going to get fit and in shape. You tell her like, “I need somebody that’s got the same value system as me. I don’t feel attracted to you. It’s like you’re getting bigger and you’re letting yourself go. Where are you going to be in 10 years? I don’t want to be pushing you. I don’t want to be fit and jacked and then pushing you around in a giant fucking wheelchair 10 years from now because you’ve basically eaten yourself to death. You’re committing slow suicide by food.”

You got to say these things in a tactful way, but sometimes you got to rip the band-aid off. It’s better to just say, “Honey, I love you, but you’re fat and you don’t care about yourself. You don’t love yourself enough to take care of you. If you’re not going to do that, then I’m not going to stick around,” but then again, you also don’t want her to just get in shape because she doesn’t want to lose you and then say she gets fit and in shape, and then you get married, then she has a few kids, and then she goes right back to letting herself go. So I would I’d give her an ultimatum. Tell her that this has got to be important or you’re out because you’re not going to be happy settling for a fat girl that likes cake too much. It’s just a bad way to go. Besides, when you put up with it, you’re enabling her behavior. You’re telling her that she can keep a fit and in shape dude who, in essence, settled and therefore she doesn’t have to do anything to fix herself.

Remember, Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me,” and she’s not holding up her end of the bargain. She thinks that now that she’s got a boyfriend, now she can just let herself go even more, and you don’t want that. It’s not fair to you. It’s pretty selfish on her part to be with a guy that’s fit and in shape and think it’s OK just to get bigger and bigger, but the fact that you stay with her and put up with it enables her behavior. So if she takes care of herself, loves herself and makes the effort, maybe you’ll give her a chance, but it’s not really her value system. You want somebody that’ll do it, because part of being fit and in shape is being disciplined and doing things even when you don’t feel like it. Going to the gym when you don’t feel like it, eating a healthy meal when all you want is pizza and fucking cake and ice cream. That’s what being disciplined is.

What did Jocko Willink say, so apropos? “Discipline equals freedom.” All the things you want come as a result of being disciplined. If you’re going to have kids but you’re with a fat mother, well your kids are going to be fat and she’s going to be working against you, and then you’re going to resent it. So you got to think about all these things. You have a value system that doesn’t align with hers, and it is what it is. To say, “You got to get fit in shape or I’m going to leave you,” or “I’m going to break it off. My last girlfriend was fit and in shape, and you just don’t seem to care at all. I’m willing to train with you, but you got to want to do this. You got to do it for yourself because you love yourself. I can’t have the mother of my children being obese because I don’t want unhealthy kids that don’t give a shit about themselves. I wouldn’t have been in this position in the first place,” but before you break it off, I’d give her the opportunity to change and rise up to her full potential, or she can get the gift of missing you permanently. What do you choose? Choose to eat healthy and have you and be fit and in shape, or to choose the junk food and whatever else she’s eating and not moving very much that’s making her get bigger and bigger? That’s on her. She was like this before you met her. That’s what I would do if I were you, my man.

Never, ever settle. You’re not going to be happy, and if you do, you’re just going to shorten your life. It’s something to think about.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.