I’m Met With Nagging & Disdain From My Wife When I Work Too Much

The reason why women nag & have disdain for their men & how to fix it.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has a recurring issue with his wife he can’t figure out. He moved across the country & took a pay cut to work for and eventually take over his dad’s business when he retires. Whenever he works extra hours, he’s met with nagging and disdain about the fact they can’t live like they used to.

They’re on food stamps and burning through their savings to make ends meet. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, what do I often say? It’s a woman’s job to make your dick hard, not your life. However, the other thing is, a man’s job is also, and his duty, is to protect. Protect and provide for his family. Especially if you got a stay-at-home mom like this particular viewer does. So he’s got a recurring issue with his wife and he can’t figure out what to do.

So he said that about two years ago, he moved his wife and his young family across the country so he could go work for his dad. Ultimately, when his dad retires, I assume, meaning in a few years that he’s gonna basically inherit the business and he’ll make a significant amount of money. However, for whatever reason, he doesn’t go into it, he took a pay cut. It seems like a big pay cut to come work for his dad so he could learn the business and take it over at some point in the future. Again, he doesn’t elaborate as to when that’s supposed to happen. So it’s been going on for about two years, and he’s only making $75,000 a year. It’s him and his wife. I think they got two kids, if I’m not mistaken, and they had their second child, because when she moved there, she was originally working for a bit. Then once she had their second, she became a full-time stay-at-home mom.

So there’s a significant decline in their standard of living. They’re on food stamps and they’re also burning through their savings to make ends meet. From a woman’s perspective, that’s the kind of thing that women need your calm masculinity. Us guys, we can go through long periods of time when we’re unstable, live like a broke college student, sleep on a four-inch foam mattress at our buddy’s house while we’re building our business stuff, but when you got a family and you got kids and stuff, especially like in this case, he said he made a significant amount of money before they moved here.

So he listens to her, she expresses concerns, but what he’s communicating back to her, which I don’t think he realizes, is that the status quo is going to stay the same. So her attitude is, he says the nagging comes in when he basically works any more than 45 hours a week. She basically communicated that she would rather have him at home than have him go work, especially when he took such a significant pay cut. In other words, the juice is not worth the squeeze to her and the kids because he’s away all his extra time, but he doesn’t get compensated for it and that’s the issue. He thinks it’s really that she can’t enjoy so much the quality of life that she used to, which she can’t, obviously.

However, the real issue as a man is that, I mean, let’s think about this for a second. I know if this is my son and I’m like, “Hey, I’m going to retire and I want to give you the business,” I’m not going to ask my son to, you know, say he’s making half a million a year. “I want you to give up half a million a year. Move halfway across the country. I’m going to pay you $75,000 because you don’t know the business. So you need to start out entry level like everybody else,” and he’s thinking, “OK, I’ll do this for a few years and I’ll learn the business. Eventually I’ll take over. I work my way up.” Maybe that’s what he’s thinking, but as a father, I wouldn’t do that to my son.

However, on the flip side, I’ll give you an example from America’s favorite president, Don Jr. So I think Don Jr is the oldest. I think when he was like, I don’t know, he was a teen, age 12, 14, 15 years old, he’s working for his dad. He’s driving, I don’t know, a front end loader or a backhoe or he’s driving construction equipment around and he’s only he’s making like $10, $12 an hour because it’s like entry level. He’s like a kid, basically. This is Donald Trump. Trump Jr., he’s working for him, and after a couple of years, he’s like, “Hey, dad, how come you never gave me a raise?” And he goes, “Because you never asked.” So he did it on purpose. He was purposely basically not going to give his son a raise just because he wanted him to ask about it, because he wanted to teach him the lesson. You don’t get what you deserve in life. You only get what you negotiate.

So you got to ask. You got to ask for the order in sales. It’s a valuable lesson to teach your son. Maybe there’s some kind of lesson like that, that the father is trying to teach the son, because if it’s me and I’m in this guy’s situation, I know how I would handle it. I’m sure the answer I’m going to give this guy is probably not what he was expecting, but as I go through this, you look at this and go, “Does that sound like a fair deal to this guy?” Now, I remember back in the day, for those of you that read Mastering Yourself, when I went to work for Centex Rooney, I really wanted that job. I really wanted to move up there. It was part of my life plan. The thing was, Mike Wood, the VP, knew that and he’s a negotiator. That’s what he does.

So I think I was making like $40,000, $42,000 a year at the time. This was like 1995, just graduated college maybe six months before I got a raise when I graduated because I had my degree and everything, and he says, “Well, I only got 37 in the budget.” You notice the long, awkward pause. That’s what he did to me. Yeah, I’m 25. I’ve never been in this situation before. I feel and I’m thinking to myself like, “Is he saying to me that I can’t have the job unless I take a pay cut of $5,000 a year? Is he just negotiating with me?” I didn’t realize at the time, but that’s kind of what he’s doing, but I’m kind of putting myself last. In other words, that’s part of what he’s doing is saying, “I know this guy really wants the job. Will he take a $5,000 pay cut?”

If I had known then what I know now, I would’ve said, “Well, I’m making 42 and I need to make at least what I’m making now because I’m going to move and everything.” If I understood negotiation better, then I would have been like looking back at him like that. I mean, I was a kid, I don’t know anything. I don’t know negotiation. I don’t know the tactics. I hadn’t really studied the art yet, and I didn’t realize what he was doing to me. I said, “Well, the cost of living is cheaper up here.” I was like, “OK.” He’s like, “Great!” We made arrangements when I could start and everything, gave me numbers to call the main office, get payroll at social security, address, the whole nine-yards set up, and he’s like, “Maybe you got to go think about it. I wouldn’t want you coming up here all upset because you took a pay cut,” like he’s really selling. I look back on it now, it’s like I got bamboozled. I should have said, “Well, I’m happy to come for 42. I’d love to be here, actually. As a matter of fact, if you really wanted me, pay me 45 because you know I’m worth it.” He who speaks first loses in the negotiations. So those things are important.

So maybe dad here is teaching him a lesson. Maybe because he’s thinking, “Oh, it’s my dad. OK.” I don’t know what he told him, but if the company can’t afford to pay him at least what he was making before, so when does he actually get good money? When dad retires? Or is the company just not making enough money? The only way he’s going to make more money in the future is if he grows the business. Bottom line is he’s got an issue, and this is the way women are emotionally. They don’t like the conditions under which they’re living. So the wife’s attitude is, “Well, quite frankly, what you’re getting paid is only worth 45 hours away from me and the kids. So I’d prefer you stay at home the extra hours if you’re not going to get compensated.” So she’s kind of tweaking his balls.

Remember, this is one of the beautiful things about women. It’s like you got a chink in your armor or weakness or like in this case, I look at this and go, “Dad’s taking advantage of me.” See what you guys think when we go through it, but it’s either that or dad’s trying to teach him a lesson or the business can’t afford, doesn’t have the cash flow to pay him what he was making before. So from a negotiation perspective, he took a huge pay cut for the promise of future profits, maybe several years in the future. Quite frankly, the wife’s not happy about it. He’s not really addressing it. He listens, but he just basically says, “We’re going to keep doing the same thing.” Who knows? Maybe he’s got a bunch of debt and credit cards and other things. He said he used to make significant more money and he’s burning through his savings.

So with that long diatribe in mind, because this really is a art of negotiation thing that everybody needs to understand, especially you younger guys out there, like this dude, because this will really help you in business. This is why I have lots of clients over the last 20+ years I’ve been doing this that use what I teach negotiation that’s in Mastering Yourself to 10 times their income to go from $300,000 a year to $3 million a year, $500,000 a year to $5 million just by how they negotiate. Again, I say this all the time. It’s not just with women. It’s everything in life. It’s buying a house, selling a house.

At the end of the day, you don’t get what you deserve in life. You’re only going to get what you negotiate. Quite frankly, I think this guy is a piss-poor negotiator for himself. He put himself and his family last, and on some level, his wife knows that, and that’s why she’s continually nagging him about this, because he’s not addressing it. That’s what women will do, because it’s his job to handle this. He is the leader. She’s completely dependent upon him to do things. Obviously, she could do it in a more artful or tactful way, but the bottom line is she doesn’t feel safe because he put himself, the family, and the kids last in a business deal with his father.

I have something similar, I got friends that have gone through a similar issue with a family business that they were working for since they got out of college and we’re going to buy. Then what dad wanted to sell it to him for, they didn’t want to pay that. They didn’t think it was worth it. I think they kind of figured dad was going to give him a hometown discount, and dad wasn’t willing to do that. He ended up selling the business to somebody else. So he had to go out on his own and start a business that created a nasty rift in the family. So dad, like I said, maybe he’s teaching him a lesson, but to ask your son to take a pay cut like that, the business can’t afford it. That’s not a wise decision.

Viewer Email:

Hey Coach,

I’ve got a recurring issue with my wife that I can’t seem to figure out. About two years ago we moved from her hometown to mine, across the country, so I could join my dad’s business and work to take it over as he retires. I came in with no direct experience and have been drinking from the fire hose to become an expert. I started off making much less money than I’m used to, and she worked for the first year until we had our second child.

Again, because it’s your dad, you’re thinking, “Oh, he’s going to give me the business for nothing. So yeah, it makes sense that I take a pay cut now.” However, you still got to raise your kids. You got a wife, you want to enjoy your life. You don’t want to suffer and be miserable. So if it’s me, again when I was young, I didn’t really understand this stuff, but you younger guys. this can really, really help if you find yourself in a situation like this, whether it’s your dad or a potential employer like me, I mean, I gave away that $5,000 I probably could have held out and got more if I’d known then what I know now, he probably would have paid me 50, 55 to move up there to uproot my life because that was worth something, but in that business, you’re going to be expected to move around once a job finishes. Then I maybe get sent to Louisiana or Tampa or wherever the next big project is.

So part of that is, are you willing to move? Because you’ll move up in the company if you’re willing to move, but at the end of the day, I would have said to him, “Dad, I would love that. I’d be honored to take over the family business, but I’m just pulling a number.” I don’t know what he makes, he didn’t say, but if I’m making $500,000 a year and you’re expecting me to take a lot less or maybe even $300,000 a year, I’m going to be like, “We’re gonna have another kid soon. I can’t afford that. I can’t take that kind of a pay cut.”

At the end of the day, if you’re going to go work for your dad and take a significant pay cut, why does he expect you to take a pay cut? Oh, because you’re new and you don’t have any experience? I would be like, “I got a family to feed. I got a lifestyle. I got bills to pay. I got car payments. I can’t just downsize like that. That’s not good. That dog won’t hunt, daddy. So if you’re willing to pay me what I’m making now, then I’ll come. Otherwise, if you’re not, if the company can’t afford to pay me that, then maybe it’d be better for when you’re ready to retire. You just try to find a buyer to sell it to. I’d love to come and take it over, it’d be a great opportunity, but you got to pay me at least what I’m making now. This doesn’t make sense financially. The wife’s not going to be happy about that. She’s not going to be able to get her nails and her hair done and everything else. So I don’t want to. I don’t want to decrease my quality of life for an unknown number of years and then suffer financially and put strain. One of the number one reasons why families split up is financial stress. It’s one of the number one reasons for divorce. So why would I want to put my family through that and risk my marriage and fuck my kids up? I don’t want to do that. It’s not a good deal for us. Appreciate the opportunity.”

At the end of the day, if his dad’s business can’t afford it, he shouldn’t be expecting, either that, or dad’s got to take a pay cut while he trains you so he can afford to pay you what you’re worth to take it over. So there’s that. Maybe dad’s just very matter of fact when it comes to business. Just like my friend’s father was. It’s like created a rift in the family. I can understand his point of view and their point of view, but at the end of the day, things aren’t really that pleasant around the holidays now when it should be his golden years. They’re fucking pissed at him. He pissed off multiple kids, but hey man, that’s life. Those things are going to happen. So it’s gotta be a win-win or a no deal is going to happen.

So these are really important critical things, especially if you’re committing to a job or a business or whatever, and you’re committing something financially for years, that’s why I’m taking extra time to go through this stuff. It’s important. You can’t just be flippant about it like it’s no big deal.

Since then, she’s been a stay-at-home mom taking care of the kids. We’re in our early thirties. 

It’s like when kids are young, that’s the fucking best years, from the time they’re little until they’re about 12 or 13, they start talking back to you. It’s like, those are the fucking golden years of parenting. That’s where it’s so much fun. It was my best memories being a stepdad when I was younger. It’s fucking awesome. You don’t want to miss out on that. So if you’re gonna miss out on that, you better get fucking compensated.

I’ve gotten a few raises since then but I’m still only making $75,000, we’re on WIC and food stamps and using our savings to make it by.

That shouldn’t be happening. You shouldn’t have to bankrupt yourself and your family just so you can get a free business from your dad. I mean, that’s kind of stupid, but again, maybe he’s trying to teach you a lesson because you were a terrible negotiator for yourself. I don’t think you really thought this through financially.

God knows I’m ashamed by this, but I’ve been willing to run lean for now because of the unlimited ceiling that business ownership provides.

So do you even know what the business makes? Do you know how much profit it provides, or are you just basing on unlimited success because you think owning it and eventually you’ll just grow it and you’ll make a lot more money in the future? You’ve never run this business. You’re just learning it.

So the way I look at it is if the business isn’t already throwing off enough profit to pay you at least what you were making before, that’s not a win-win deal for you and your family, your kids. That’s terrible. If your dad can’t take a pay cut to make up for the difference that the cash flow the company doesn’t provide, then why would you want to buy that business anyways? This just sounds like it’s small. It would be stupid to buy a business based upon what you hope it will make in the future. You got to evaluate what it makes today.

Typically with businesses, from I remember when we got a business appraisal, if your company makes $100,000 a year, the company’s worth 250, 300. It’s not a lot. You know, they just look at it like two or three times earnings, that’s because sometimes the owner leaves and then not all the clients stick around. Or maybe they don’t like you, they like the other guy. So it’s not all sunshine and roses. That’s why most people have an inflated idea. Probably this guy’s father has a really inflated idea of what his business is actually worth. That’s why a business appraisal is worth the money. So dad knows what the business is really worth and you know what it’s worth. It doesn’t sound like you understand any of that. You just thought, “You know what? I’ll run lean. Be like a broke college student. Be difficult for the family for a few years. Then once I take over, it’ll really skyrocket.”

So again, this was a financially not a good deal for him and his family, and the wife is calling him out on it and he’s not doing anything about it yet because I don’t think he understands this. That’s why I’m taking the time, because it’s important. This makes a difference as you go through life, whether you end up as a multi multi-millionaire and you’re set for life and can live off the interest on your capital or you’re fucking bagging groceries at Publix when you’re 80 years old because you didn’t put enough away. So there’s too much downside risk here. You’re risking your family for a Kentucky guarantee.

I know success and freedom is in our future. However, as you know, this type of lifestyle requires extra time and effort to make it to the promised land. Therein lies the issue for my wife. 

Well again, at the end of the day, why was it necessary for you to take a huge pay cut to come take this business over? Why would your dad expect you to go through that? Unless he just couldn’t afford to pay you that. If that was the case, I would have never taken that deal in the first place. I would have said, “I love you, dad. I would love to take the business over, but I can’t take that kind of a pay cut and a lifestyle change in my early 30s. We got young kids. These are the best years of our lives and we want to enjoy it. I don’t want to stress the family out and live like a broke student and hope that maybe 10, 15 years from now we will make it. All our kids will be gone by then. It’s not good for our marriage.”

It seems almost any time I put in more than 45 hours a week, or attend occasional after-work meetings or travel, I’m met with nagging and disdain from my wife.

Yeah, because quite frankly, it’s weakness because you put yourself and her and the kids last when it came to negotiating this business deal for yourself or for all of you.

To be clear, my wife is an all-star partner and mom in every other aspect, but almost without fail she will huff and puff when I tell her I have extra commitments for the business. Bear in mind, I am up daily at 4:30 to hit the gym and get to the office early.

The other thing is going to the gym and staying looking fit and in shape and attractive, that also helps keep women honest, because they know other women are going to find you attractive because you’re fit and in shape. So that’s important. Helps you maintain your superpower to seduce her at will, because then she’ll be worried about potentially losing you with another girl. That’s why women say they like the dad bod. Nobody’s going to rip you off if you got a dad bod.

Then as soon as I come home I am Super Dad for the kids until they fall asleep, where then my wife and I enjoy some time together until bed.

Yep, that’s pretty much what everybody goes through. Welcome to adulting 101.

I take on each challenge and sacrifice with a smile. 

Well, because that’s what men do, or the disposable commodity in society. Nobody cares about our problems. We got to make things happen.

Her side of the discussion pertains to me not making enough money for her to live the lifestyle she wants to live. I know women are disgusted by the idea of their circumstances regressing rather than improving, and I think she is spoiled by the life her dad created

Well, you created that life too.

He makes good money, runs his business from home, and her mom doesn’t work and swipes the card without having to think about it.

Well, it sounds like that’s what you had before.

My wife tells me she struggles to support my endeavors because her support at home already outsizes my salary.

So what she’s basically saying is, “Your time away from the family is not worth the money you’re getting paid.” Therefore, that’s why 45 hours, that’s it. “That’s all your daddy gets to have you. If he wants you for more than 45 hours, he needs to fucking show me the money!” You gotta negotiate better, dude. This is a shitty business deal for yourself. Either that or your dad’s company doesn’t do well enough for you to take the pay cut.

Quite frankly, if it was me, if your dad’s company can’t afford to do that or won’t do that, then I’d be considering moving back and get your old job back or an equal or better one where you can get back to living the way you guys used to live, and your dad can go and sell the business and get his check. If he can’t afford to pay you, you can use that as part of your negotiation. It’s like, “Dad, I’m bankrupting my family and I’m damaging my marriage. It’s not good for me. It’s not good for your daughter-in-law. It’s not good for your grand-babies. If I’m going to be away, I gotta get compensated. You know, this puts unnecessary financial stress on us.” It’s one of the number one reasons couples divorce. “So I’m creating one of the worst conditions I can create for my family, which is financial stress, hoping that someday I’m going to make more. Like, I got to make more now, or I’m going to probably have to move the wife and the kids back to where we came from and get my old job back. I just can’t do it. It’s not worth it.”

“You know, the loss of the lifestyle and the strain in the family, I’m not going to do it. I love you, I want to help you, I want to take the business over, but I gotta get paid. I gotta do what I gotta do to take care of my family. It’s my duty as a man. This is not working for me. It’s not good enough. I love you, but we gotta have some kind of a win-win deal or I’m going to have to, you know, move with the family away, and then we won’t be around as much. We won’t see each other as much, which will be a bummer,” but you know, that’s life, man.

So this would also be a conversation you’d want to say. You could also phrase it to your wife and say, “Honey, I’ve been thinking. You know what? I’ve been hearing your complaints about our financial situation. You know what? I’ve thought about it, and you’re right. It’s not worth it. So what I want to do is I’m going to talk to my dad, tell him he needs to pay me at least what I was making before so we can get back to living the way we were living, because it’s not worth it to go through our 30s and struggle financially because we’re going to stress out financially while our kids are going through this difficult time with us and 10, 15, 20 years from now, we’re really doing well when they’re gone. No, that doesn’t work. You know what? I appreciate you continually, even though it would have been much nicer if you’d been more diplomatic about it instead of kicking me in the nuts. Again, this has gone on for two years, and you’re right, we should be making more money. If he’s not willing to pay us or can’t pay us, if the business can’t afford that, then we probably should pack our shit and go back to where we came from and I’ll get my old job back.” I would imagine that she would probably absolutely support that.

So it’s got to be a win-win or no, or you’re going to have to dip. That’s the way I would be looking at it because again, if your dad can easily afford it and maybe he’s not trying to teach you a lesson, it’s kind of a dick move expecting you to take a pay cut. Maybe he’s an old timer hard ass and he’s like, “You got to climb the ladder like everybody else. You got to start in the mail-room and work your way up.” “No, I already got an established life and you’re not hiring somebody that’s wet behind the ears that just got out of college. You’re hiring a family man that’s 30. So if you want me and my expertise and the fact that I am your son, you gotta pay. I’m not going to take a pay cut to come work for you. I love you, I love the business, but I’m not doing that. I’m not going to do that any longer.”

So that’s how I would be handling this, because until you fix this, your two other choices are what reduce your expenses or somehow get a side hustle, make some more money, start another business on the side. It just seems like financially it’s better. If your dad can’t afford to pay you, then you got to go. You go back home and your wife will love you for that because you listened. She brought up good concerns, and quite frankly, why should you guys go through your 30s when your kids are, it’s the best times, when you can have a better lifestyle in another city? I wouldn’t want to waste your 30s and then say, “Oh, we’re going to really enjoy our lives in our 40s.” No, you should find a way to do it now. Money talks, man. So you need to get compensated properly. You can’t put yourself last just because it’s your dad and it’s family.

I do my best to validate her concerns, but there’s nothing I can say that will have me making more money by tomorrow, or make her excited about getting through the trenches with me. 

Yeah, because quite frankly, you don’t really have a plan, and it doesn’t sound like you understand the financials of your dad’s business anyways. If he’s expecting you to take it over, what’s it making? Again, why can’t he pay you what you were making before?

Of course there are more details, but that is the gist of it. I appreciate any insight you might have. 

Thank you,

Bob

Well, if that was me, that’s how I’d I handle it. No matter what you do in life, man, you don’t get what you deserve. You only get what you negotiate. It’s got to be a win-win or no deal.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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