I’m Questioning If My Girlfriend Is The Right Partner Long Term

Things to consider if you’re questioning if your girlfriend is right for you long term.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who’s read 3% Man 15 times. He successfully attracted his current girlfriend with what he learned. However, he’s questioning if she’s the right long term partner. She doesn’t work, has chronic health problems, doesn’t communicate well, the sex is terrible, he’s a high achiever and she’s a low achiever. She’s lazy and doesn’t take care of herself or contribute like she should.

He has serious doubts about staying with her, but now she’s totally dependent on him for everything. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who has read 3% Man 15 times. He’s a good student. He’s also a premium member, so obviously we appreciate our premium members. So when I see somebody say they’re a premium member, we’ll give priority to those guys emails. Ten they’ll end up in the premium section of our website, YouTube and Spotify.

So he says he’s successfully attracted his current girlfriend with what he learned from the book. However, they’ve been together for a while and she’s got a lot of health problems, and he’s kind of like her caretaker. She doesn’t work, she’s kind of lazy, does about half the chores around the house despite the fact he pays for everything. So even though he works full time, he’s her caretaker. She’s still only doing like half the work. So he’s got a lot of issues. She wants to get married and live happily ever after, but he’s really kind of starting to doubt if she’s the right person, because being with her is kind of like having a child to take care of, not so much a teammate, a partner, and an equal who’s pulling their own weight.

Let’s go through his email, because he brings up a lot of good points. Obviously, this is kind of an unusual case. Especially like when we get to sex, she’s got something going on there that is unusual and disappointing. So the guy’s trying to look and go, “What’s my downside risk?” Obviously, what’s the upside to being with this particular woman in order to help you reach your full potential?

Before I get into the email, I want to reiterate, I guess, or repeat a quote I often say from Jim Rohn, and he said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” Two people come together to share their completeness in a relationship. They don’t come together to complete one another.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach!

Your work changed my life. Thanks to your advice, I met my current girlfriend. She’s beautiful, feminine and deeply in love with me. I joined your exclusive Members Content and am excited to keep learning from you. 

After three years, though, I’m questioning if she’s the right partner long-term, for the following reasons:

• Communication: I’ve read your book over 15 times, so I never argue and make sure I understand her feelings. However, I feel like I’m the only one communicating maturely. She’s very emotional. When she feels hurt (Which happens a lot, even for tiny things)…

Yeah, that can be pretty tiring. It’ll wear you out, because if you’re dealing with somebody who’s very emotional and very insecure, the littlest things are going to upset her. So half the time you’re trying to soothe her ego or her hurt and butt-hurt feelings. Whereas with a normal, healthy woman, she might get upset and you’ll talk it out, but when you’re with somebody and you stay with them this long, at some point you start to feel like you’re walking on eggshells because you’re worried that the littlest thing she’s going to take the wrong way and get upset because she’s going to fear you don’t love her, you don’t want to be with her.

At the end of the day, you got to participate in your own rescue. As you’ll see, there’s a lot of things going on here that she just won’t address. She talks about addressing it but actually doesn’t address it. It reminds me of a Nick Saban quote, “Mediocre people don’t like high achievers and high achievers don’t like mediocre people.” Something I learned from Tony Robbins when I first got into his work in my early 20s, was that most people tend to major in minor things. They’re not very disciplined and they’re not going to do the things that it takes in order to reach their full potential.

…She tends to throw tantrums and say hurtful things that she justifies by saying, “This is how I feel. You can’t invalidate my feelings.”

So she’s throwing temper tantrums, being totally irrational, saying nasty and mean things. That’s not good. You’re looking for a woman who brings peace into your life, who brings joy into your life, makes your dick hard, not your life hard. Some women excel at making a man’s life hard and difficult, and just because you get married to him doesn’t mean that shit’s going to stop once you’re married. It tends to get worse. As Gerald Celente of the Trends Research Institute says, “Current events form future trends.”

She sometimes goes as far as questioning the relationship, accusing me of not caring about her.

The other thing you have to keep in mind is women tend to speak in hyperbole. They tend to over-exaggerate just because they’re coming from the emotional perspective and being overly emotional. They tend to take the little things and they go, “Ahh, it’s the end of the world!” And make them into big problems. It’s your job, as a man, to kind of shrink them down and be like, “Hey, it’s not a big deal. I got this handled.” We haven’t even got into the part where the fact that he reveals that she’s not working. He’s her caregiver. The sex sucks. As I went through the email the first couple times, I’m like, “What’s the upside of staying with this girl?” It’s like she gets all the benefits and she does some contribution, but considering the fact that she doesn’t work, she lives with him, he pays for everything and looks like he gives her spending money as well. On top of that, she’s a belligerent jackass at times.

You want somebody who’s easygoing, easy to get along with, who communicates well, who respects your authority, again who brings peace in your life, not a chick who’s constantly disturbing it. In other words, making your life hard instead of your dick hard.

She usually apologizes afterwards, but my own needs and frustrations are often sidelined as she rarely tries to understand my perspective (Or will make efforts for a few weeks, then stop and the cycle goes on every month or so).

Well, there’s two types of people in this world: There’s givers and there’s takers. Some women are just not givers. They are not very nurturing just because of how they were raised. It’s not your job to fix somebody or to save somebody. When I read this guy’s email, it looks like he just rescued this wounded little bird and was thinking, “I’ll fix her. I’ll save her from her terrible life or her problems, and we’ll live happily ever after,” and all he really did was kind of adopt an adult woman child, which that’s not fun because it gets exhausting.

• Sex: We struggle due to vaginismus.

I looked that up. I don’t know if I pronounced that right. Vaginismus. So basically what it is, is when they’re trying to have sex, the vagina goes, clenches up, gets tight, makes it hard and painful to have sex.

Although I’m supportive, the sex is really bad.

That sucks, dude. Then this is the kicker about it all.

She says she wants to improve our sex life, and initiates a lot, but hasn’t proactively addressed her vaginismus…

I’m sure I’m probably butchering that word…

…Only visiting the physical therapist twice.

Remember the quote I said at the beginning: “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me,” and she’s not doing that.

She often says she, “Wants to go, but doesn’t have the time.”

Keep in mind, this is a woman that doesn’t work. “Oh, I’m too busy.” Too busy doing what?

• Intellectual connection: I’m driven by personal growth, sharing goals and deep conversations, while she’s more interested in fashion, make-up and daily gossip.

Hey, that’s women. They’re kind of into those things, but it would be nice because when you’re dating a high IQ type of woman, you’re going to have intellectual conversations. That can kind of be a drag, but you also don’t want to think you’re going to have the same conversations with your girl that you do your guy friends.

I struggle to admire her intellectually as she always defaults to shallow topics.

Well again, you’ve been with this girl for three years and you moved her in knowing what she was like. So it doesn’t sound like this guy really vetted her. It looked like he found a woman that he could rescue and take care of and now he resents the fact that he’s having to rescue her and take care of her and she’s not doing anything to take care of herself. In other words, she’s not participating in her own rescue.

Something I learned early on when I started coaching other people is, as much as you love somebody and you see their potential and you want the best for them, you should never care more about somebody else’s success or their health or anything else than they do, because if they don’t give a shit, when it comes to women, if they neglect themselves, eventually they will neglect you. That’s kind of what you’re seeing here. I’ve mentioned that many times over the years of a woman who neglects herself in her body, eventually will neglect you. The sex sucks. They know it sucks. She says she wants it to be better, but yet she won’t take care of the health problems that she’s got, so she’s not pulling her weight from that perspective. She’s not doing anything to help herself. Then on top of that, she expects him to deal with all of her stuff.

• Responsibilities: She never asked me for money but is bad at managing hers. She spends mostly in clothes and fashion.

That’s kind of normal girl stuff. If you’re giving her money, like it’s nice that she spends things to make herself look better and prettier, hopefully for you.

She’s still a student, is disorganized and doesn’t grasp financial realities.

OK, so she’s in college. Does that mean that she’s taken out student loans? Like, how is she financing that?

She handles most of the cooking and half the cleaning, but since I cover all expenses, I’d expect her to take on more at home.

Well, you got to ask her to do that.

Instead, she often complains about being tired and needing help. I’ve been her caregiver due to her chronic health issues but I don’t feel particularly appreciated in return. 

Again, this is not really a relationship of equals. It’s like you’re the caregiver and she’s kind of the mooch, basically. On top of that, she’s just not doing anything to help herself. If the sex is bad and she’s not willing to go to physical therapy to improve it and to fix it, well remember what I said earlier. A woman who neglects herself eventually will neglect you. She neglects taking care of her body and fixing issues that she’s got. Therefore, directly now she’s neglecting him. She’s neglecting his needs.

• Emotional compatibility: She often seeks romantic gestures (Opening the door, matching outfits…)

Oh, I hate that. “I’m with Stupid,” You ever seen those shirts?

(…Buying flowers. She seems heavily influenced by social media), which I try to provide as she gets upset if I don’t. She needs a lot of reassurance, frequently asking, “Do you love me?” “When are we getting married?” She’s been struggling with depression lately and has little going on outside of me, her studies and social media.

So she doesn’t have a strong group of friends. As I read this, I’m thinking, “Why would you move this girl into your house? Why would you live with her?” She can’t even take care of herself hardly. If she’s not taking care of herself and she’s neglecting herself and her health, what do you think is going to happen if you guys have kids? You’re going to be doing too much. On top of that, you’re expected to work and she can just go to school and goof around.

1. I love her deeply, and she truly feels like a “gem” in the modern dating scene. She’s loyal, doesn’t go clubbing, doesn’t drink, is 100% faithful, lost her virginity to me at 25 and really sees a future with me. We have a “Bubble of love” together, and she can be really caring and empathetic at times. Is this dynamic fixable, or does it suggest a fundamental incompatibility?

Well, it just looks like you got into a relationship with a chick that’s lazy and doesn’t have her shit together, and you’ve tried and you’ve told her what you wanted, but she just doesn’t seem to be willing to do it.

2. If you lean towards breaking up, how would you do it without hurting her? 

Well, if you break up with her, you’re going to hurt her. I’ve just found the best way is just rip the band-aid off. Tell her like it is. Burn it all down and let her know why you don’t want to be with her anymore. I mean, you’ve been with her three years, so what’s really changed in three years? Like you said, you’ve had discussions. She promises to fix it, then she does it for a few weeks and then just reverts right back to being lazy and being neglectful of you. Again, this is a woman who neglects herself and therefore is neglecting you. You tell her about it, you bring it up, she says she’ll change, she changes for a few weeks and then she reverts back to the mean.

I’ve had a few break-up talks with her, during which she collapsed in tears, told me she couldn’t live without me, and apologized profusely. This broke my heart, and I just couldn’t go through with it.

Women are great at waterworks and it’s hard. You don’t like hurting somebody, and you don’t like seeing a woman suffer that you love, but at the end of the day, she made the bed, she’s got to lie in it. So this is all on her. You got to participate in your own rescue, and she’s just not doing it. She’s not willing to help herself.

She even started to see a therapist. She lives in my apartment, has all her stuff here and has nowhere to go as she doesn’t earn money and has no family support as her parents live abroad.

So does that mean that she’s on a student visa and living with you and her parents are just sending her money?

I’d be incredibly grateful for your perspective. 

Best Regards,

Bob

Well, I know you feel guilty, but at the end of the day, if she’s not willing to do these things to help herself, if she’s not willing to fix herself so you guys can have a great sex life, well you can either put up with it and accept that this is your reality and probably eventually you’ll look for satisfaction outside the relationship. Again, as I go through this, I’m like, “Where is the upside?” Yeah, she cleans half the time. All she does is she goes to school and you pay for everything else. You give her feedback about things you want to change, she promises to change, puts on an act for a few weeks, and then just reverts back to the way she was before.

If it was me and you want to give this woman one final opportunity to correct things, then I’d make a list of all the stuff you want to see chang, and then just sit down with her and just say, “I love you, but I’m not happy and we have a lot of the same issues that you’re just not fixing. We’ve been together three years. You keep promising to address them, and you just don’t. I’m willing to give you 90 days to get your act together, but if I don’t see permanent change in these areas that I have a problem with, I’m not going to stay with you. So you’re going to have to fix these things. You’re not going to be able to put on an act for two or three weeks and then just revert right back to being lazy, neglecting me, neglecting yourself and not taking care of the things that you’ve promised to fix.” You have to be able to rely on your woman keeping her word. So she promises things and then goes back on her words. That’s what we call a Kentucky guarantee. So thanks, but no thanks. A Kentucky guarantee is not worth the paper that it’s written on, and it’s not worth the words that comes out of that person’s mouth. A Kentucky guarantee is a fake guarantee. It’s bullshit. She’s bullshitting you because we look at her actions, she’s not following through. If at this young point in her life, if she’s this lazy and this neglectful, where do you think she’s going to be in 10 years? What do you think is going to happen when you have kids? “Oh I’m tired. You got to help me more. Oh, I need a nanny to help out. Oh, life’s so hard.”

Again, if it was me, I’d give it 90 days. Have a whole list. Say these things need to be addressed and they need to change permanently. “I’ll give you 90 days to turn it around, but if you’re good for three or four weeks and then you just revert right back to the way you were and start neglecting me and the things that you committed to, then I’m out and there’s not going to be any going back after that.” So if she doesn’t follow through on these things, you’re like, “Hey, I gave her 90 days. I made a list for her. She promised to do all these things and change them, and she just hasn’t done it.”

The other thing about coaching people is that I can’t motivate somebody to want to be successful. That’s something that comes from within. Like when I started my journey when I was a teenager wanting to reach my full potential, when I was really young, I wanted to make money, I wanted a phat house, I wanted a hot girl, a nice car, I wanted to be able to travel the world, have nice clothes, have nice things and I got to experience all those things. So I was focused on what do I need to do in order to get from where I am to where I want to be. Just give me the strategy, give me the plan. I studied a lot of successful people, read a lot of books, had a lot of great mentors in my life that I’ve come across that were big helps to me, but I took the information in, I got the feedback that I was looking for, I got the strategies that I needed and what I did most importantly was I took action relentlessly in a disciplined way, decade after decade after decade. That’s why I’ve been able to accomplish the things that I want in life, and if you’re a high achieving guy, you’re into personal growth, self-help and becoming a better human being and then you’re with somebody who’s just fucking lazy, neglectful and just doesn’t care, your choice is to put up with it or to say, in this case, you give her 90 days to turn it around, and if she doesn’t turn it around permanently within 90 days, then you can pull the rip cord and get out and send her back to her parents and tell her that she’s on her own, that you can’t do it anymore.

You gave her three years, and you gave her a final 90 days to turn things around, and she dropped the ball, didn’t follow through. Then you should be able to walk away. Even though it’ll suck, you’ll feel bad, she’ll be given the waterworks, but hey, you gave her the opportunity to fix it, but she wouldn’t do it if she won’t participate in her own rescue. You can’t save her. She’s got to save herself, and if she’s not willing to do that, then I certainly would not stay with somebody like this. I would have never moved somebody like this into my house that is just completely dependent on you and doesn’t do anything hardly. On top of that, she’s a difficult pain-in-the-ass. It’s like, “Yeah, I don’t think so.” Again, where’s the upside?

You want a teammate. You want somebody that you can lean on and she can take care of things. She doesn’t work. All she does is go to school, come home and then complain that she’s tired or, “I need help.” Like, give me a break. It’s time for her to shit or get off the pot. It’s time for her to grow up or to go back to mommy and daddy and let her parents take care of her. Sounds like she probably grew up in a rich family or parents that had money and they expect her to take care of her, or she expects them to take care of everything. So they basically made her lazy and unable to take care of herself because whenever she needed help or had a problem, mom and dad would always step in and fix everything for her. So she found a guy that kind of treats her the same way that the parents do, which is you enable this behavior by doing all these extra things for, and you completely ignore the fact that she’s just not pulling her own weight. After three years, the infatuation has worn off, the honeymoon period has worn off and you’re just sick of it, and I think you’re a prince of a guy for sticking it out all these years, especially with her sexual problems. The fact that she just won’t do anything about it, again she’s neglecting herself and therefore she’s neglecting you. That’s just a fact of life.

A woman who neglects herself eventually will neglect you, and that’s what she’s doing. She’s neglecting her duties in the relationship, to take care of herself and to participate in her own rescue. Again, you can’t do it for her unless you just want to have a child that you’re going to be with for the rest of your life. So good luck with that situation, dude. I feel for you, but you should have never gotten this deeply involved with somebody who was basically this incompetent, lazy and undisciplined, but it’s a good lesson to learn from. So give her the 90 days. Give her a list. Will she follow through on it? Probably for a little while. Then she’ll just revert back to the mean and be the way she was. If I was a betting man, I would bet that she’s not really going to change permanently. She might change for a little bit, but as soon as she gets comfortable and thinks that you’re OK with everything, she’ll just go right back to being lazy and neglectful.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.