What to do when you are trying to re-attract your ex-girlfriend, and she says that she’s “so confused” and does not know what she wants.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who broke up with his girlfriend of a year about six months ago. They live long distance from each other, and when they were still together, they always talked about how he was going to move to where she was. The last few months of the relationship, they started arguing more and more. Even when they got together in person, he continued to argue with her until she finally had enough. She broke up with him and he started to chase and pursue, and in his own words, “acted like a needy little bitch.”
He has done a good job of backing off and letting her start to reach out to him again. He’s focusing on the simple fundamentals of hanging out, having fun, and hooking up, and not talking about the future so much, or locking her down to a commitment. He asked me to critique his approach, and help him fine tune it, so she wants to get back together again long term.
My girlfriend and I broke up about six months ago. I had been with her a year. This was a long distance relationship, as she lives in Las Vegas and I live in Chicago. This girl is one of my best friend’s cousins, which is how I met her. Everything was great at first. We fell in love with each other right away. I was always flying there, or she was coming here. (It’s important to consider if you really want to move to her city. You can’t sacrifice your own happiness and expect to stay happy in a relationship long-term.) We never went more than a month without seeing each other. We both knew we wanted to be together, but were never really sure how it would happen. Either I would move there, or she was moving here. We would talk about it sometimes, but it was kind of a stressful conversation, as you know long distance things can be stressful and hard. The distance did cause fights between us sometimes — just stress of wanting to be together. (Men who understand women never argue with them.) We would talk on the phone a lot, and we usually would Facetime each other, and even do the cyber sex thing. This helped a lot because we could actually see each other.
The last few months of our relationship we started to argue more and more. She is hard headed and has a temper, as do I. She is Italian, and sometimes Italian women are a handful. She would get jealous sometimes over stupid Facebook stuff, and some of our fights were just really stupid. (You should communicate in loving and adult ways. You should read my book 10-15 times to learn the fundamentals on how to re-attract this woman back into your life. If you create a negative vibe, she will associate that with you. You need to be hanging out, having fun, and hooking up.) However, we both loved each other and wanted to be together. We kind of broke up, just because of the fighting, which would escalate to saying mean things, etc. I blame myself for some of it, but it was not all my fault. She can be very illogical when she is upset. We basically broke up in a heat of the moment kind of fight.
I told her that I would end up moving there, and that I wanted to be with her and get married, which is what she wanted me to do from the beginning. (It sounds like you are doing this to please her. Maybe she gets bitchy because deep down she knows you are not being honest and truthful.) She used to say all the time, “I wish you would move here. I love you so much.” She had a trip already planned to come to Chicago after we had broken up. She still came here, but it was just different. We ended up fighting when she got here, and the last night she was here, she left and went to her aunt’s house. She has family here because she was born here. When she went back home, that was pretty much it. I, of course, made a lot of mistakes after the break up by chasing her, trying to get her back. I was needy and a little bitch, and it just pushed her away. (This is because you weren’t acting like a centered man. You need to go for what you want without fear and without apology. If you really wanted to live there, you would have done it by now. Women don’t respect weak behavior.) She always stayed in contact with me, especially when I would stop contacting her. It was just different though. You could feel the difference in the way she was with me.
I stopped contacting her totally, and she started to contact me after about a month of no contact. I would act nice and indifferent on the phone, but I would never call her or text her, she always contacted me. Finally, one day she called me and said, “Hey, do you want me to stop calling you?” I said, “What do you mean?” She said, “Well, you never call me, or contact me at all.” I said, “Yeah, well that’s because you don’t want to be together, so why would I?” which seemed like a logical answer. She said she wanted to start talking again, so we did.
We started talking all the time and pretty much got back together. I agreed to move there, and we were talking about getting married. I told her to come out and see me, and I flew her out here. When she got here, she was just cold and she never brought up anything we had been talking about the last month. This was my fault because I came on too strong talking about marriage, and it was just too fast, and scared her I think. She kept saying, “I’m so confused. I’m so confused.” (When a woman says that, it’s because you’re trying to force things. She doesn’t feel free to come and go. You must love in such a way that the person you’re with feels free.) We had a nice weekend. We had sex, and did fun stuff, but I know I was still acting needy and letting her know I cared too much, just not being the man that I am.
When she got back home she would still contact me all the time, calling and texting me every day. We even talked about me going there for Thanksgiving, but it never happened. Finally, I said, “Look, if this is what you want, then I’m done, and I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” She did not like that, but I just said my peace, and then said goodbye.
Her son’s birthday was last week, so I sent him a birthday card. (You just told her that you’re done. You’ve got to be congruent with your statement. You said one thing and you did another.) She has an eight-year-old son whom I adore and have a very good relationship with. I love him, and he loves me. The day she got it she called me, and I made small talk with her for a few minutes then asked to speak with her son. She put him on the phone, and I said happy birthday. We talked for a few minutes, then I said goodbye and hung up. I did not wait for her to get on phone. A few minutes later, she texted me and said, “Fuck, I wish we could get what we had back.” I said, “yes me too” and there was “nothing stopping us.” She called me again that night and asked me to come to Vegas on the 12th of December to visit, which I agreed to do.
I have read your book twice, and watched a bunch of your videos. My plan is to go there and just try and have fun and be the guy I used to be. I am not going to bring up the relationship, getting back together, or getting married. I don’t know if I will even say ‘I love you’ at any time. (Don’t worry about that. Just stay in the present moment.) I just want to try and have fun, and that’s it. She has been texting me all week, and I try to keep it short, only a few texts, nothing too long or drawn out. (You’re giving her the choice to choose you, so she’s coming to you, which is exactly what you want. It’s a scientific fact, women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.) I try to just flirt and be fun in the texts, trying to build some attraction back. I am still not really initiating contact. I let her text me or call first. I am trying to be the man I once was, and the man I know I am. It’s a little different when I don’t live there, but I’m trying to be spontaneous, so I made some dinner reservations at a restaurant in Vegas for us. When she texted me, I said, “Oh yeah, I made dinner reservations for us on Saturday, so wear something sexy.” She laughed and tried to get me to tell her where were going, but I wouldn’t, saying, it was a surprise.
I’m just wondering, what is your advice on how I should play this when I get there. (Focus on staying in the present moment and creating a fun-filled opportunity for sex to happen.) I want to be my old self, and stop being all reserved and too nice like some guy friend. I also don’t want to seem needy. I used to give her a huge kiss and pick her up in the air when she picked me up from the airport at baggage. It was one of my favorite parts of the trip, to tell you the truth. Should I do that when I first see her? (Absolutely. This is your girl!) What’s your advice? Should I act like I used to, without the neediness? I already told her I’m going to rock her world when I get there, and she giggled and went along with it. I know we will hook up, but I don’t want there to be any awkward feelings between us when we’re hanging out. I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable. Bottom line is, I love this girl very much, and I do want to marry her. I kind of feel like this is my last shot at getting this right, and making her remember that I am a masculine man — the man she fell in love with. I still think she loves me, but I acted so needy it pushed her away, and that is why she is confused. She’s probably thinking, ‘I love this guy, but why am I not feeling attracted or drawn to him?’
What’s your advice on how to play this? I’ve got a week to read your book some more and get a plan together. Wish me luck. I know she is going to test me in some way. (It’s obvious you’ve really done a good job of turning things around by focusing on hanging out, having fun, and hooking up.)
My email response to him:
You’ve done a really good job of completely changing your approach and now seem to be focused on doing the only thing that really matters, which is creating an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun, and hook up like I talk about in my book. You need to focus on living in the present moment when you are with her by being playful, having fun, letting her do most of the talking, and making a physical move when the signs are there that she wants to be touched, etc. You should only be considering moving to Las Vegas if you really want to live in Las Vegas, not to please her. You need to be your own man and do what makes you happy. You have to understand that your courtship is completely starting all over. This will be date #1. It took time for her to fall in love in the past, and it took time for her to fall out of love. It will, therefore, take time for her to fall in love once again. Instead of talking about getting back together, just focus on showing her a good time and living in the present moment without arguing like a jackass who doesn’t understand how to communicate with women. Whatever you make her feel when she’s with you, is what she’ going to associate with being with you. If she’s laughing, flirting, joking, touching, and having a good time with you, her attraction will grow. Let her do all of the calling, texting and pursuing, and you set Skype video dates and physical dates in person. Read my book 10-15 times. The more times you read it, the more what you should say and do will become effortlessly clear. You must let her come to you. Getting back together and having a relationship needs to be her idea. Your job is simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen by making fun dates.
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When a woman starts telling a guy she is or was in a relationship with that she is so confused, it means she has become unsure of her feelings for him and if she wants to continue the relationship. Almost 100% of the time when a woman says she’s confused about how she feels about someone, it is due to the man acting needy, clingy, desperate, over pursuing, and basically trying to force himself into her life. He has basically stopped acting masculine, and is acting more feminine which ruins the sexual polarity and her attraction for him. The best medicine a man can give a woman who has become confused about how she feels about him, is the space and time to miss him. It is essential to love your lovers in such a way that they feel free to come and go at their own choice. If you are strong, confident, humorous, playful, and present, and you’ve given them the space to choose you, and come to you at their own pace, they usually will choose to never leave your side.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne