I’m Stuck In The Fantasy Of A Past Relationship That Ended Years Ago

What you should do if you’re stuck in the fantasy of a past relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is stuck in the fantasy of a past relationship that ended with his college girlfriend years ago. He moved away for a great career opportunity and she didn’t want to move away with him so they later broke up. He’s been obsessing about it for years but she has a boyfriend for three years now. She was recently in his city and they met up and kissed. She told him she still loved him.

He hasn’t found anyone else and isn’t really looking because he’s stuck in the past. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this is also kind of being known as stuck in a perspective.

So this particular emailer had a relationship with a college girlfriend that he had, and I guess around the time that he graduated, his family offered him a position that was too good to pass up, but it’s like a thousand miles away from where they lived. He takes the job. The career opportunity moves 1,000 miles away, and for a period of time, he and his college girlfriend did the long distance thing, but eventually they broke up. Supposedly what he says was she was too close to her family to move away, so they broke up and he’s kind of been distraught over it ever since then.

For the past three years, she has a boyfriend. She’s in a relationship with somebody else. Then apparently, just recently, his now ex college girlfriend actually was coming to visit and it looks like she was in touch with one of his friends. So the friend arranged like a get together and they hung out. She basically tells him that she still loved him. He was one of the great loves of her life or whatever. Then they kissed. Keep in mind, she’s got a boyfriend now of three years, so she’s doing a little kissy-poo with her ex-boyfriend. I’m sure her current boyfriend would appreciate that too much. He says he’s dated and hooked up with other women in the past, but he’s still obsessing over her.

So part of what’s going on here is he’s not really paying attention to reality, and those of you, because I’ve done a lot of emails over the years on this, because there were times where this guy was thinking, “You know what, I’m going to give up this career. I’m going to move back home so I can be with my girl.” There’s plenty of emails where guys have done that. They’ve given up a job, a mission or a purpose, moved countries to be with the girl because she says she doesn’t want to live where they are and they don’t really want to go live where the girl is, but they love the girl. So to them, it’s worth it to give up their business, their houses, their investment properties, their jobs, their careers, whatever happens to be. Then most of the time when these guys move for the girl to be with the girl, they get there and shortly thereafter they get dumped. So the thing that this guy is not paying attention to, and if he was really familiar with my work, he says he’s on the fifth read so far of 3% Man, which for those of you that haven’t read it, it’s free to read in the Members Area of the website. Just go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, put your email address, create a password and you can log in. It’ll open up and you can start reading the book instantly for free in your web browser.

Anyways, if a woman really loves you and you’re the love of her life, she’s going to follow you to the ends of the Earth. She’s not going to say, “Oh, I’m too close to my family.” The reality is, she wasn’t as in love with this guy as he was with her. She didn’t love him enough to move away with him. That’s basically what it boiled down to, because if she’s really head over heels in love with you, she’s not going to let you go. Women will give up their religion, they’ll give up their kids, their families, their jobs. I mean, in some cases, I’ve talked about it on and off over the years, women that fall in love with guys that are in jail or maybe she was the attorney representing these guys, and then they think it’s a good idea because they fall in love with these dudes to break them out of prison and they’re just gonna take off and live happily ever after, kind of like a modern day Bonnie and Clyde, and usually doesn’t end well. They usually end up in jail. Oftentimes, the guy ends up dying in a firefight, a gunfight with the police.

There was a famous one just a few years ago. It was in New York. This woman was a prison guard. She’s married, and she starts having sex with these two guys that are in prison, if I remember right. Both of them were in jail for murder, and she was going to break them out of prison. They were going to go to her house, these guys were going to murder her husband, and then they were going to take off and go on the lam basically. Well, she chickened out at the last minute, ends up getting caught. I think one of the guys dies in a gunfight with the police. The other one I think was wounded. Or maybe they both died, I can’t remember, but now she goes to jail because obviously she let these guys out. Her husband, keep in mind, she was going to have these two murderers that she was sleeping with in prison murder her husband. He’s like, “I’m going to stay with my wife. I love my wife,” and it’s just that dude’s like not not thinking clearly, but I just thought that was nuts. He’s literally wants to stay with his wife, who’s now in jail, who is going to have murdered. She chickened out, but he thought it’d be a good idea to stay with her. That just goes to show how strong some of these emotions can get to where they think it’s a good idea to do things that basically they lose their freedom over.

So the reality is, this guy is really just paying attention on his interest in her, and he ignores the fact that she didn’t want to move with him. She didn’t love him enough to go live with him, and he’s still living in the past. He’s stuck in the perspective, if you will. Meanwhile, she’s got a three year boyfriend. On top of that, she, in essence, cheats on her boyfriend. I mean, kissing your ex-boyfriend when you’re in a relationship and you;re committed to somebody for three years? That’s cheating, but he’s just kind of ignores all that stuff. So it looks like there may be some character issues going on with this girl as well.

So let’s go through his email, because at the end of the day, if you’re doing everything you could be doing following what’s in 3% Man, your girl is not going to want to leave your side. She’s gonna be stuck to you like a sucker fish. Even if you want to move to Alaska where it’s cold and it sucks, she’s going to go with you just because she doesn’t want to be without her man, and she can go back and visit her family. So this stuff about, “Oh, she’s real tight with her family. She didn’t want to leave,” the reality is she was more in love with the idea of staying where she was at than she was and being with this guy, and that’s what he’s kind of ignoring because he’s only focused on how he feels about her and is ignoring the fact that they broke up years ago. She’s been in a relationship with somebody else for three years, and he’s not moving on, but she clearly has, even though she obviously has a strong, what’s the word? Strong memories. She thinks highly of him. At the end of the day, she still let him go.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach, 

Long-term subscriber and currently on my fifth read of 3% Man.

Well, if you’re a long-term subscriber and you’ve only just now gotten around to your fifth reading, come on man. You could put the audio-book on two-speed and then follow along in a digital or physical copy and get through the book in four hours. So you’ve been following me for a long time. I’m assuming that’s years, and you’re just now doing the fifth read? Most people major in minor things.

You have taught me much of what I know today around relationships. However, I have never turned to you for guidance on my unfortunate situation and sit here desperate for answers after years of suffering. 

Well, the reason why you’re suffering is you want reality to be other than it is. In other words, you’re not living in the present. You’re stuck in the past. You’re stuck in a perspective, and you’re not living in the present moment. You want reality to be other than it is. In other words, you probably want to still be with your ex-girlfriend and you want her to be living with you even though she’s not, and this has been going on for many years, so of course you’re going to suffer. It’s like anything in life when we continually suffer over something, it’s because we’re typically stuck in the past, or we’re worried about what may or may not happen in the future, and we’re never really paying attention to where we are right now. What is going on in the present moment?

I met the love of my life in college Jessica and was sure she would be the one I was going to marry and have kids with.

So he’s got a little bit of oneitis.

She is perfect in every sense of the word.

Yeah. See, that’s your fantasy of what you want her to be, and then you ignore everything else.

We dated throughout college and in my senior year, a family member presented me with a seemingly irresistible business opportunity that would require me to move 1,000 miles away from home and Jessica.

Well again, if Jessica is head over heels in love with you and she felt the same way, she’s going with you. Simple as that. Women submit to their men. They follow you to the ends of the Earth.

I took the opportunity with confidence. 

That confidence quickly became despair as Jessica and I attempted a long distance relationship that eventually ended mutually as there was no end date in sight.

Ended mutually? I would say that’s probably bullshit. More than likely, she ended it. Again, if this is the love of your life and she feels the same way about you as you do her, she’s not going to let you just move away and she’ll go, “Ah well, shucks. A thousand miles away. Well, better luck next time.” They’re not going to let you go, dude.

This was very tough on me and resulted in me questioning my decision to move away from her to the point where I almost moved back home for her many times.

Well, the right thing to do is to follow your mission and your purpose. At the end of the day, if she’s the right girl, she’s in love with you and you’re treating her right, she’s going to come with you. She’s not going to let you go, but she did let you go and that’s what you’re ignoring because again, you’re stuck in the fantasy of what you thought your relationship was in college when you were with her, and then when you moved away, she wasn’t into you enough, wasn’t attracted to you enough. I don’t know if it was before you came across my work or not, but the bottom line is that she didn’t follow you. Women vote with their feet. If she’s with you, she voted for you. I’m sure she liked you a lot and she did care for you and I’m sure she loved you, but she didn’t feel the same way you did. She was OK with letting you go. On top of that, we haven’t got to that part in the email yet, but she’s been with somebody else for three years now, and you’re still stuck in the fantasy of what was or what you thought it was when you were in college.

I decided to stay and focus on my career and the opportunity that had been provided to me. She was too family-oriented to move away from home. 

Well, she was just more into being with her family than she was being with you. Again, a woman who’s head over heels in love with her man is not going to let him just move away and potentially meet somebody else in the new city. That’s just not going to happen.

Fast forward over five years and my love life has remained stagnant and stale at the expense of my memories of Jessica.

Yeah, because again, you’re stuck in a perspective. So when you meet women that are potentially open to dating you, you just can’t even see it. You’re not open to them because again, you’re stuck in the past and you’re ignoring the fact that your ex moved on.

My standards have been kept high because of her and in return I have had dozens of hookups with beautiful women. Yet, I am empty inside and the passing of years has failed to dull the pain which I try to escape by pushing myself physically every day. 

You are seeing reality as better than it is. You’re seeing this relationship with your ex is better than it was, and the reality is she let you go. Never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you.

She is currently in a three year relationship. Recently she took a girls trip…

“A girls trip.” There it is. “Girls trip.” So her current boyfriend is thinking, “This is my girlfriend. We’re loyal and faithful,” and she takes a “Girls trip” to where her ex from college lives. Sure, he probably doesn’t know anything about it.

…To my city and through communication with my roommate told us what bar she would be at one night.

So the roommate’s conspiring? Probably because he’s tired of listening to you whine about her, so he arranges a get together.

We decided to go. Upon seeing her for the first time in years I fell in love again. 

In other words, “I fell in love with the fantasy of who I wanted her to be,” but you still ignored the fact she’s got a boyfriend. She moved on and you didn’t. You moved away and she didn’t go with you. She didn’t vote for you. That’s the harsh reality, dude.

We talked for hours at the bar sharing laughs and discussion. Catching up on the years that have flown by. She admitted she still loves me and is the only other person she has loved aside from her current boyfriend.

So she loves you and she loves her current boyfriend. Women vote with their feet. She’s with the current boyfriend. She voted for him. She didn’t vote for you. I know it’s harsh, but it’s reality, man. When you really love and value yourself, you’re not going to stay stuck in the past. You’re going to want to be with somebody who is also choosing you. You got to pay attention to that. That’s what self-love is. Self-love says, “Well, you know, after everything we shared, she saw me on my good days, my bad days, my average days, I have this great career opportunity. Instead of loving me and supporting me through it and saying, ‘I can’t be away from my man,’ she says, ‘Yeah, I’m just going to stay here because my family is more important.’ Have a nice life.”

The night ended with a kiss and has been replaying in my head over and over. 

So she cheats on her boyfriend with you, basically. I mean, if I had a girlfriend of three years and she goes on a “Girls trip” and to see or go to the same city where her ex-boyfriend from college, supposedly one of the loves of her life, and she kisses him? Yeah, I’m gonna have a problem with that, because all that tells me is she’s not very loyal and faithful. If I’m one of those guys who wants to get married and involve the government in my relationship, it’s like that’s the kind of thing that makes you pump the brakes and go, “Wait a minute.”

As a result of the recent interaction I am stuck in a state of inescapable depression. A terribly familiar state that I felt when we originally separated. 

Well, you got to let go of the past, my man. As a man, you always want to focus on your outcome. You want love. You want family. You want a good relationship. You want a girl that’s proud of you, that wants to be with you. You want a girl that’s smart, not a dummy. A smart girl is not going to let you get away. A dummy or a girl with low interest is going to be like, “Hey well, we tried a thousand miles. I don’t really want to do that. I don’t want to move to your city. You don’t want to move back. So it’s better to go our separate ways.” The bottom line is, she was more in love with staying in her city and meeting somebody new than moving to a city she didn’t know to be with the love of her life. She was the love of your life, but you definitely were not the love of hers. How do we know? Where is she? She’s still back home. She never moved. That’s what you haven’t accepted.

I know it’s a harsh dose of reality, but you got to see it as it is man, and you should be taking advantage of the ladies that are in your city. The idea is you’re trying to find somebody that you connect with on this level as well, but you got to be ready, willing, able and open to it. Since you’re not in a very happy place, you want to get to a happy place first. You got to get to a place where you’re happy with yourself and your life. You’re happy being alone. You appreciate the gifts of the past, i.e., this kind of a relationship, but you got to be a realist and see it as it is. If you’re going to have kids and raise a family, you want to be with somebody that wants to be with you, that makes the choice to go wherever you go because to her, her family is wherever you are, but that’s not what happened here. She let you go. She didn’t want to move with you because she wasn’t that into you. I know that’s harsh, because again, you’re only focused on your interest in her, and you’re ignoring the lack of interest in her towards you.

I haven’t reached out to her since she visited. I want her to think about our conversation and replay the night as I am.

Again, you’re wanting her to feel the same way. That’s why you suffer because you refuse to acknowledge the reality that she has a boyfriend of three years. The two loves of her life are you and her boyfriend that she’s currently with. She ain’t going to leave that guy even if she kisses you. The fact that she kisses you shows me that she’s not really a very loyal person. If I had spent three years in a relationship with a girl and she goes to the city where her ex-boyfriend is and makes out with him, probably not going to be in a relationship with her after that, but you can’t just act like that didn’t happen because it’s like you’re stuck in this Disney fantasy. Meanwhile, you ignore a major red flag and you ignore the fact she didn’t come with you.

How do I move on from this?

You got to see reality as it is, and you’re seeing it as way better than it actually is. So you’re living in a world of delusion.

Do I wait to hear from her?

You don’t do anything. She’s got a boyfriend. You want somebody who’s ready, willing, able and open to dating you, and this girl is not. If she’s not willing to come to your city and see you and be open to living there, then she’s not a candidate. Simple as that. She’s not a prospect of a woman to be with. You had a beautiful romance in college, but at the end of the day, you were way more into her than she was into you, and that’s why she stayed behind and got into a relationship with somebody else. She moved on. You didn’t, because again, you’re refusing to see reality as it is, and that’s why you suffer.

Do I ignore the feelings of indescribable love for her?

Well remember, rejection breeds obsession. So you’re in love with the fantasy of what she was, but you ignore the reality that she’s still back home and she has a boyfriend of three years. If she’s going to cheat on him with you, eventually when she’s not happy with you, she’ll cheat on you. I don’t see her as a very loyal person.

Do I fight through the depression and despair, hoping that she will one day be inclined to reach out to me? 

Any insight is appreciated. Anything. 

Thank you, Coach.  

Bob

Well, you’re focused on her being yours while you ignore the fact she’s with somebody else. So as long as you stay stuck in the past, you’re not going to get anywhere. The only thing that that will change your mind and enable you to move on is somebody new. If you’re just dwelling on her, you got to create a space in your life for somebody new to come in and fill, and you want to take what you’re learning in the book and read the book 10 to 15 times, learn it backwards and forwards and find a girl who’s hotter, who’s more fun, who’s more easygoing, but you got to be open to that for it to happen. It sounds like ever since you moved away, you’ve been closed down to that, and because it’s just much easier to stay stuck in the past and hung up on a girl who just didn’t feel the same way. This is no way to go through life.

You’re wasting good years of your life stuck in a fantasy and ignoring the fact that, quite frankly, she doesn’t give a fuck. She really cared, she wouldn’t have let you go. If she really cared, she wouldn’t have gotten into a relationship with some other dude for three years, and that’s what you ignore. Again, you’re suffering because you want reality to be other than it is. You’re living in the past. This is what most of us do. We’re either stuck in the past, or we’re too worried about what may or may not happen in the future, and 95% of the things that we worry about that may or may not happen in the future, or the bad things we fear, they don’t ever happen.

Again, what is your outcome? You want love. You want somebody that wants to be with you, that chooses you. Also, you want to find somebody that loves you even more than your ex-girlfriend did. You want a girl that loves you so much she wants to be with you. She wants to get married. She wants to stay with you all the time. She wants to have your kids, whatever happens to be. You got to create a space for that. You got to get to a happy place first. So first and foremost, that should be what you focus on is, “What can I do to make my life really great? Make my social life really great to where I’m meeting lots of new people? Meeting lots of new ladies?” It’s just a matter of time when you’re happy and you’re ready, willing, able and open to meeting somebody new and you created a space for her, it’s like she’ll just come in as easily and as effortlessly as meeting this girl in college.

So what’s going on right now is you’re not in a happy place, so you’re not going to be very attractive. You’re not proud of yourself and proud of your life, so how are you going to get a woman excited about it? Number three, you got to create a space. Right now your space is you’re holding the space for this ex hoping that she’s going to change her mind. Meanwhile, she’s been in a relationship with another dude for three years. She moved on, but you did not. You got an unhealthy attachment, so you got to let it go. Focus on your outcome, which is you want love. Love is allowing. You got to create a space. The right girl will come along, and if you’re applying what’s in the book, she’ll be all over your ass like white on rice, my man. It’s time to let it go and create a space for somebody new.

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