Some things to consider if you feel pressured to settle down, but still want to date and explore your options.
In this video coaching letter I discuss an email from a viewer in his early 30’s. He’s in a good place and doing well with his purpose and mission in life. He’s had lots of success with the ladies since finding my work. For the last few months he’s been reconnecting with a woman he lost when he was younger and is enjoying their new love story. However, he feels pressure to settle down and get married.
He not only doesn’t really want to, but he wants to continue playing the field and potentially have children with several different women. The girl he’s dating now is a fellow leftist, but her political views tend to be extreme and it causes clashes and arguments between them. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
It’s pretty funny. He’s in the mindset of, “I kind of like to have kids with several different women and not just settle on having kids or being with one woman for the rest of my life.”
So he really cares for this girl, but they’re butting heads. Their values are kind of opposed. Even though they’re both leftists, she’s more of an extreme leftist and he’s maybe more of towards the middle. They don’t really exist anymore in the Democratic Party, like a JFK style Democrat. Today JFK would be considered far right, even though he was a Democrat when he was president back in the 1960s. It’s kind of interesting.
So he’s torn like, “What do I do? Do I stay with her? Do I go? Should I stay or should I go?” Like the old Clash song. That brings up some interesting things here, and for those of you who obviously are very familiar with 3% Man, I was kind of in the same type of situation where I was in my mid 20s. I was in a relationship with my girlfriend who eventually became my wife, but deep down I didn’t feel I was ready to settle down and get married and start a family. I was full of fear. I had pressure. Everybody around me started to get married. My high school buddies are getting engaged, getting married. Some of them are having kids right away.
There’s that pressure. Then they’re like, “When are you going to put a ring on that, Corey? When are you going to get married?” Because I didn’t have a lot of experience and things were better with my girlfriend, future wife at the time, than they had been with anybody else that I had ever dated. Hell, I was 25, 26 at that time, and I’m thinking, “Man, look how long it took me just to get to this place where I have a pretty good relationship and a girl really cares about me, really loves me and just for me.”
Part of it was I wasn’t obviously as into it as she was, but I thought, “I must have cold feet. That’s got to be what it is.” Then I talked myself into it. Even when I bought the engagement ring, I remember sitting in my bed looking at it. It’s like it was yesterday. It was 27, 28 years ago or whatever it was at this point and going, “Man, I’m going to take this back. This doesn’t feel right to be getting engaged,” but I talked myself into it. I felt guilty. My girlfriend would get upset when we would talk about it. “Why don’t you love me? What’s the matter? Why don’t you want to marry me?” It’s, you know, sort of dealing with waterworks.
I felt horrible. I was in the same place. I was kind of torn. Deep down, my intuition was going, “Don’t get married. You’re not ready. You’re not at that place,” but I went against that. Obviously, for those of you who read the book, after a year of being married, I dipped just because she was trying to get pregnant and she could tell I wasn’t fully present. I was like, “Man, if I have kids now at 26, 27 years old, I’m going to end up raising my children in the same kind of family that I grew up in,” which I’m trying to avoid because my parents were always yelling and screaming at each other and lots of drama, not just between them, but other members of the family. It was like, “I don’t want to raise kids in a dysfunctional mess,” because I grew up in that.
When I get emails like this from guys, I can really empathize with where they’re at, because these are important things. If you’re going to get married, especially if you’re in a blue state and it doesn’t go well, you’re totally upside down from a position of leverage. I would encourage people to have some kind of a civil arrangement and not involve the government just because the more you involve the government, what I love about America is it was designed to keep the government.
The Constitution wasn’t designed to restrain the people. It was designed to restrain the government from infringing on our rights. It’s like everything is designed and the founding fathers were geniuses.
Obviously, if you look the leftist today that are being educated in the educational system, what are they taught? “Oh, the founding fathers are a bunch of slave owners and racists. Therefore, the Constitution is just this old paper document. We just need to get rid of that,” and you indoctrinate kids for enough generations, 50, 100 years, you know, 50 years from now, kids are going to grow up and they’re like, “Oh, yeah, let’s do away with that. That Constitution. Let’s have a socialist, Marxist, communist paradise. That’ll be great.”
Meanwhile, it’s been tried in over 100 countries at this point, and on six different continents. The body count’s somewhere like around 150 million, “Oh, but it wasn’t real socialism.” The problem is when you concentrate all power in a small global governance authority like the World Economic Forum guys want to do, what ends up happening is if you look at Russia or China or Maduro in Venezuela, you end up with a mafia elite that you can’t get rid of.
You look at North Korea, that’s what happens. It always happens. That’s why our founding fathers distributed the power. If it’s not specifically given to the federal government in the Constitution, it’s reserved for the individual states because they wanted to distribute the power across all the states of the union because they knew it would become corrupt. They knew the elite would try to corrupt the system and pull all that power back into themselves. Then you just end up with a ruthless mafia that you can’t get get rid of.
A little political history there. It’s amusing to me when people are like, “Oh, I’m a leftist.” It’s like, what does that mean these days? I’m not a fan of it, but let’s go through this guy’s email. I’m sure people will be bitching about my little political rant there, but hey, it’s my channel. I’m going to talk about what I want. If you don’t like it, just click unsubscribe and you won’t ever have to see me again.
Trust all’s well, as always.
I wanted to ask you a short question I think might have a longer answer. I’m a seasoned student of your work, you’ve responded to some of my emails in the past. I’ve read the book more than ten times and have enjoyed the many successes of your work in both long term relationships and fwbs.
I’m in my early 30s, still going for my dreams and aspirations and building the life I want. I’m in a good place in my life, playing and performing music, getting poetry published, hitting the gym, going back for my masters degree. But I also feel like I’ve hit a fork in the road.
As you know, at around my age…
Well, it started for me in my mid 20s.
…People will start settling down and having children, especially as our parents get older. There’s social pressure to stop fooling around and “get serious.”
Yep. That’s why you listen to many voices but speak with your own, because if your intuition is telling you, “This is not right,” I found in my life every time I went against what my intuition and my heart was telling me, it typically didn’t turn out well.
While I had fun in my twenties and even more fun after discovering your work in my late twenties a couple of years ago, I don’t feel I’m done yet. I’d still like to travel the world and sleep with women from other countries. I also want to keep sleeping with younger, sexy women in my area.
I’ve also always liked the idea of having children with a mix of women from different nationalities —a kid with a black girl, a South American, European, Asian, etc. It may sound silly but that’s always seemed appealing to me, and I think I can. I feel so confident with women and it’s so easy to talk to and open them up with the knowledge you’ve given me.
Well, what you’re going to encounter, because obviously I’ve had plenty of experience like this, is that when you talk about these things, most women you’re going to meet, they’re going to be diametrically opposed to that. I’d say probably the majority of them, they’re not going to go along with it, but some of them may.
The important thing is, especially if you’re going to try to live in the same household, the girls are going to have to like each other. If the girls don’t like each other, you’re going to be miserable. The clients I have that are Muslim guys from the Middle East that have multiple wives, I don’t believe that I can remember any of them are all under the same roof.
What they typically do is they have a house, each wife has a house and they raise their kids there, and during the week he spends a few nights with one wife and then another wife or the third wife, but that gets expensive. Just because you get a bunch of women together, they get kind of jealous and insecure of one another and it creates drama.
So my Muslim clients, the overwhelming majority of them, what they do is they have them in separate houses, but you got to be well off and financially well off to be able to afford multiple residences for each of your wives and your kids. So that’s another consideration, because it’s very expensive to raise children. It’s a 20-year commitment. So it’s got to be somebody that you really like, somebody who shares similar goals, similar values and women that you’d like to have children with them. “I’d like to have her or them as mothers of my children.”
Like I said, to give you the least amount of drama, you’re going to probably want to keep them separate in different houses. Like that’s what the overwhelming majority of clients that, especially the Muslim guys that have multiple wives, that’s what they’re doing. Like I said, these guys are always well off and so they can afford it.
So if you’re a struggling musician and you’re going to have 4 or 5 wives, that’s going to be a difficult challenge because it’s expensive, number one. It’s expensive just having one girlfriend or one wife and having kids with her, and if you get 8 or 10 kids and 3 or 4 different women, I mean, you can go the route like Nick Cannon.
What happens is you have a relationship. You have a kid with her. That relationship ends. Obviously you still have the kid and then you start a new relationship. You have a kid with her. So there’s a lot of things that you got to consider there because women get very jealous because they worry about losing their provider. Even when the girls like each other, shit’s going to come up, it’s not going to be easy.
So you have to consider who you’re going to be with. Like I said, they got to like each other. If the girls don’t like each other, it’s going to be hell on Earth. You’re not going to like it.
My dilemma is that at the same time, I see the appeal of love and being with one person for a long time. The last three months I’ve been spending a lot of time with a woman from my past. Things didn’t work out when we were younger but we rekindled and kind of had the love affair we robbed ourselves of.
I love her but we have some diametrically opposed views and values on politics and society that often drives big wedges between us. We’re both leftists but she’s one of those who polices pronouns and speech while I’m totally against that bullshit.
What advice could you give to someone like me who’s torn between living like Genghis Khan and loving a more traditional life?
Yeah, it’s like I was talking about earlier. The people on the left tend to be the totalitarian ones. They’re the ones that root for the government to come down and crush you over the head with a baseball bat when you don’t comply or you don’t take the injections that they want you to take or they don’t like it when you have guns in your house. They believe in an all powerful government, and “We’ll just have a great society,” because their heart’s in the right place, but what they always ignore is history. The fact that when you concentrate a power, it’s like Lord Acton said, who is a British politician in the 1800s, he says, “Liberty exists in the distribution of power and tyranny and the concentration of it.”
Though socialism and communism sound nice on paper, everywhere it’s been implemented, what ends up happening is you get the most ruthless people rising to the top and they always disarm everybody. That’s one of the first things they do when they take power. Even Mao said it’s like, “Our power comes from the barrel of the gun,” and if the people are disarmed and only the government and the government agents have guns, you can make people do whatever they want.
In China, what they do with people is they harvest their organs, when they’ve decided that you get treated like a drone and drones are disposable. Whereas in the United States, we’ll talk a little bit about the war because it brings up some interesting points.
Under communism, Marxism, socialism, leftism, where the government runs everything, the people are disposable drones, you don’t comply. That’s why the Chinese are like, “Hey, you’re a criminal, you’re this or that.” They’ll harvest people’s organs. They don’t care. You’re just, what can we get from this person’s body that’s useful to the collective? Whereas the United States, it starts out right in the second line of the Declaration of Independence. It’s assumed there’s a Creator and we’re here at the pleasure of the Creator. Therefore, the government needs to stay out of the way.
In essence, the whole country is built around the idea that you’re here because the Creator put you here. In other words, it’s God’s will that you’re here and it doesn’t matter whether you’re an atheist or not. That’s what’s assumed that there is a Creator and you’re here and therefore you’re endowed with certain unalienable rights, which means they can’t be separated. Your life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. That’s why we have the right of self defense, because you’re an individual, you’re a precious individual. You have a divine spark in you, if you will. Therefore, you’re not just a disposable drone of a collective.
Everybody has equal rights. American citizens are supposed to be the equals of their government. So when you have that mindset and that philosophy and you look at the weapons that we’re supplying Ukraine with versus the type of weapons that the Russians have, you just look at the tanks. You take the m1A1 Abrams tank and it’s got a really good armor for it. It has all of the the rounds that are for the gun are in an explosive proof compartment with a door that slides open. The gunner pulls the round out, the door closes. If the tank gets hit and the ammunition detonates, there are doors in the top that are supposed to explode out.
So the explosive force of all the rounds going off blows out the back of the tank. You’re going to disable the tank, obviously, but your crew survives and all of their training survives and you just give them a new tank. They can be right back in the fight the next day as long as they’re not too severely injured. Whereas in Russia, when you look at all their tanks and their auto-loader system, the gunner is basically sitting on top of all of the ammunition and all of the powder that launches the rounds out.
So when the hull of the tank gets penetrated, it ignites the ammunition and all the powder. That’s why they call them pop-tops. If you’ve ever seen any of these things explode when they get hit, I mean, sometimes these multi-ton tank turrets go flying hundreds of feet in the air, so you lose the tank and your whole crew dies.
That’s the mentality of the drone, the collective of communism, Marxism, leftism that builds that kind of weapons where, “Who cares that people die? There is always more.” If you look at what happened with the Russians during World War II, they didn’t have enough guns for everybody, so they painted broomsticks black and they made everybody charge the German lines. So the only way you could get a gun is if somebody that had a gun got shot and then you would just pick their gun up, and then now you’ve got a gun.
They did the same thing in Bakhmut. They were taking those prisoners right out of jail with no training and making them do charges basically towards the Ukrainians because the Ukrainians would fire on them and the more experienced troops would sit in the rear and figure out where the Ukrainians were so they could call artillery in or know where to attack them at.
So all these these guys that got out of prison got mowed down. They call them meat charges or something like that. It was like a meat grinder. What just happened over this past week, the guy that runs Wagner, his forces were literally on the outskirts of Moscow, and I guess the original intent was that he wanted to take prisoner, what’s his name? Shoygu and Gerasimov. That was his name, Valery Gerasimov, the two top guys in the Ministry of Defense. That was their plan.
When you look at like Russia, you got Putin. It was interesting. The guy at the head of Wagner, he used to be a cook. He was Putin’s cook. So you got a bunch of oligarchs in Russia that are basically fighting amongst themselves, and I’ve been reading that now Putin and the Russian military is purging their ranks of anybody that was friendly or supportive of the Wagner rebellion, if you will.
Now they’re all fighting amongst themselves, which is great for the Ukrainians, because now they’ve taken with all the Wagner people basically being booted out, they’re losing 25,000 of their most experienced and battle hardened troops, which is good for the Ukrainians.
The point being is that people in the extreme leftism, communism, Marxism, socialism, it sounds nice on paper, but in practice you end up with a ruthless mafia elite that you really can’t get rid of because you don’t have guns. You can’t really do anything anymore. That’s why it’s just one of many reasons why I’m diametrically opposed to that stuff, because it infringes on the rights of the individual.
Anyways, I can understand here. I would say this guy is maybe a little bit more towards center left I guess, if you will. You know, he believes in free speech. Whereas his girlfriend is the pronoun police and misinformation, “Oh, you can’t say that. That’s offensive speech,” kind of stuff. One of the hallmarks of our society is free speech. We’re supposed to be allowed to say what we want, even if it’s offensive to people. That’s why it’s written into the Bill of Rights and the Constitution, because if you can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them.
When you say things that are the truth, especially the things that I said about Marxism and socialism and all that, I’m sure there will be some dudes in the comments that will be telling me what an idiot I am and, “Real communism has never been tried, Corey. You don’t understand, blah, blah.” Like, whatever.
Meanwhile, ignoring all of the history and the reality of what happens when those ideas that sound beautiful on paper, “We’re going to have this beautiful paradise. We’re all going to look out for each other,” but when you do that, when you destroy the state and you institute communism, it’s only the most ruthless, mass murdering people rise atop. You look at Putin, he ran the KGB, and it’s like all of the people that became the big oligarchs, a lot of them under the Soviet system were just like the big wigs that ran the army and the different industries for the communist government.
So when the wall came down and the Soviet Union collapsed, these people that were basically running everything became the billionaires of Russia. So in essence, the elite are still kind of running everything, the mafia elite, if you will, and they’re pretty ruthless. I mean, Putin’s poison with, what is it like, the radioactive isotopes, several of his enemies? So everybody is debating now what’s going to happen to the Wagner guy if they’re going to knock him off or whatever it happens to be.
So I can understand. It’s like having a girlfriend that’s far left and you’re on the left and they just, I think it’s funny. It’s amusing, but you know, a lot of their ideas are just based on ignorance of history because they just don’t know anything. Then when you tell them that, they get really pissed off because they like to think that they’re the educated and enlightened ones, when nine times out of 10, they don’t know what they’re talking about.
So anyways, with this guy here, the way he’s feeling about the relationship and her is like, “Don’t get married.” Don’t settle down if it doesn’t feel right. You have to think in terms of, is this somebody that you want to have kids with? If you’re only three months in and you’re already butting heads on politics, it’s probably not going to work long term unless your girlfriend moderates her political views or you adopt more leftist views like her.
Like I said, you’re diametrically opposed to that. Maybe she’ll chill out. Most people that are on the left or think of communism and socialism are great when they’re young, they become entrepreneurs and business owners and they see how much of their money gets taken by the state and how much interference the state has, they typically move to the right because they want to keep more of what they’ve worked to earn. Which is understandable.
I found in my own life and, you know, because I’ve been doing this almost 20 years at this point, that when you settle, when you go against your intuition, it doesn’t work out well. I mean, you’re three months in at this point, but if you’re already having big arguments, I don’t see how that’s going to last.
If I were you, I would keep it moving. I would keep dating, keep exploring your options, and only settle down and have children with a woman when you really are in the mindset of, “I want to have kids with her. I want to co-parent with her,” because that’s a 20 plus year commitment that you’re going to have with somebody to raise those kids, and it’s expensive.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my little political rant today, but this guy brought it up so I thought it’d be fun to talk about it, but I’m sure I’ll piss off some of the people on the left who usually do, but I don’t care. I’m going to live and speak my truth, and that’s the beauty of America. We can say what we want and you can listen or choose not to.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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