Why it’s a bad idea to become romantically involved with someone who is willing to cheat on their spouse with you and to delude yourself into thinking that your affair will ever lead to a healthy, monogamous, long-term, fairy tale romance or marriage.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a Brazilian viewer who claims he has been dating a fantastic woman for nine months. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. They have the same values, goals, similar careers and their chemistry is pure fire. The only problem is that she has been married for seven years to another man! He says she has been unhappy for six years and really pissed at her husband for the past three years. Supposedly, she was all set to leave her husband so they could live happily ever after, but backed out at the last minute. She told him that even though he has not been good to her, she wants to give him another chance. Now she wants space so she can work on her marriage, and now he wonders what he should do. I give him a reality check.
I am from Brazil, your videos are amazing and your book is teaching me how to be happier in all aspects of life. I’ve been dating a fantastic woman for nine months now. Actually, she is the one I feel I want to spend the rest of my life with. We have the same values, same purposes and the chemistry is unique, pure fire! The little problem is: she is married for seven years now, but with no kids. I am 29, she is 32, and he is 20 years older. She says she’s been unhappy for six years and really pissed for three years, because she is his third wife, he already has four children and unfinished business with his ex-wife, and their goals in life are, naturally, not aligned. (It sounds like a toxic situation, and now you’re getting in the middle of it. Obviously, she isn’t pissed enough to leave him. She’s just telling you what you want to hear.) She even broke up with him once last year, and that was where I came in, but she eventually got back with him.
Time has passed, and our feelings have grown. She once said that I was her best kiss, best touch and best sex ever. Last month, she said she had decided, and even made solid plans, to leave. She looked for houses, went to an attorney, gave away her dog and made plans with me, but at the last minute, last week, she didn’t have the guts again, saying that she still loves him despite all of the difficulties, and she still has hopes that it will get better. (The bottom line is, she isn’t going anywhere. She’s too weak to leave that relationship, but she isn’t getting her needs met so she’s seeing you.) At this moment, I fucked up! I acted desperate and angry, pressing her, making demands and talking to her friend behind her back, trying to get answers. I know… pretty mature huh?! (A woman like this should just be a fuck buddy. If you’re looking for a relationship, you shouldn’t be involved with someone like this at all.) The result: she texted she got angry and asked for space. Two days later, I texted her apologizing for being unfair and immature, that I’ve learned from this, that she can have all the space she needs, and when she wants to talk, she can look for me. (You are apologizing to her, yet you’re ignoring the fact she blew you off. You’re begging her to continue jerking you around. She knows she can manipulate you.) I got no answer.
It has been really difficult because I always get the feeling I may lose the girl of my life. (She never was your girl. She’s somebody else’s wife.) I haven’t dated any other women since I fell in love with her six months ago, and she knows it, but now I’ve decided I will, (You should, and you should never look back), and I won’t get in touch until she does, if she does. (Never ever contact this woman again. She has to do 100% of the calling and texting from this point forward. Personally, I wouldn’t have anything to do with this woman.) I can’t really have what I am afraid to lose, right? (You never really had it in the first place.) Am I on the right path coach? (You can do way better. Read my book 10-15 times and do yourself a favor. You deserve better than this. Man up, and have some discipline and self control.)
Best wishes, and thank you for driving people to a higher being. You’re awesome!
If you have a question you would like me to consider answering in a future Video Coaching Newsletter, you can send it (3-4 paragraphs/500 words max) to this email address: Questions@UnderstandingRelationships.com
If you feel I have added value to your life, you can show your appreciation by doing one of the following three things:
From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Men and women who date married members of the opposite sex and put their personal lives on hold in hopes that they will actually leave their spouse are deluding themselves. Most of the time, they never actually leave their spouse and just string their affair partners along with just enough hope and promise of a rosy future to keep them on the hook. The reality is, if you become involved with a cheater, you are usually dealing with a selfish, weak, narcissistic, lying and devious con artist who is incapable of real love, loyalty, commitment and honesty. People who stay hung up on and romantically involved with unavailable, married lovers, really are just living out their limiting belief that they are not worthy of true love and a great relationship. It’s how they avoid a real relationship and continually experience wanting love that they never get; this is usually similar to a pattern they became emotionally conditioned to expect and seek out during childhood. You should hit the eject and delete button the moment you find out a potential or new lover is still married.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne