How to spot and avoid the common mistakes weak, gullible and clueless men make to get friend zoned.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who went on 6 dates with a woman he met though a dating app. She was obviously disappointed that he didn’t take her home and seduce her after seeing each other for about 2 months. He got butt hurt and mad at her text responses. The next day she wanted to talk. He invited her over to make dinner together, but she declined and tried to do something during the daytime, because she was trying to friend zone him.
He doesn’t realize it, but despite his declining to be put into friend zone, he still complied with friend zone unknowingly when she changed to an indirect approach because he displayed too much weakness and indecisiveness. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
This is the stuff I talk about in 3% Man. If you continue to go out on dates with a woman, and then you never try to seduce her, or even worse, some guys never try to do anything, eventually, 1) she’s going to realize you’re inexperienced and you don’t know what you’re doing, 2) you lack confidence, or 3) they start to think that you’re gay and you’re just not into women. The longer you go out with a woman and you don’t make a move, eventually, she’s going to see you as a platonic friend and that you don’t you don’t have the balls to go for it, if you will.
So, he gets upset with the messages she sent him. And it brings up a good point, because then she tries to friend zone the guy the next day. He says no to friend zone, and then he turns right around and agrees to do something that’s basically platonic. And so, if you’ve displayed weakness, or if you’re going out with a girl and she’s just kind of like, “Eh,” she could take it or leave it, she’s not that into you. And then, you make some mistakes like this guy did, and she tries to put you in friend zone.
What you’ve got to remember is, just because you say no and you politely decline does not mean it’s over. If the woman sensed weakness in you, she’s going to try a bunch of different ways to get you to comply, to test your strength, to see if you’re strong, or if you’re weak and compliant. And this guy didn’t realize it, but he was basically weak and compliant.
So, I’m going to go through the text exchange here, because this is really important. This is going to come up, especially if you’re dating somebody and you made a bunch of mistakes and displayed a lot of weakness. Because a beta male will agree to be put in friend zone figuring, “Hey, I’ll get another chance later when she feels better, or she’s ready to date again.” Women use all kinds of excuses, but she’s pretty clever in the indirect way that she goes about it.
So, just imagine they’re on a date, all over each other, kissy-poo, holding hands, heavy petting. She’s thinking, “Finally, this guy is going to make a move.” And then he puts her in an Uber car, she goes her way and he goes his, and 5 minutes later, she texts him this. She says…
Her: “Why didn’t you take me home?”
Him: “What’s your post code?”
Her: “Too late. I’m already home.”
Him: “Okay, just waiting for my Uber. If you change your mind, let me know.”
Her: “No, I am not going to change my mind. What you did was unattractive, as you can’t make up your mind. (Upsidedown smiley)”
Right there, she’s calling him out for being indecisive, not being masculine, not being a man, and not going for what he clearly, obviously, is interested in. So, she’s basically saying he’s soft, he’s a pussy. And then the next morning, he texts her back and says…
Him (the next morning): “Wow. Not cool.”
He gets butt hurt about it, but she’s tweaking his balls because he’s acting weak. And as I talk about in 3% Man, a man’s job in the courtship is create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, to have fun and to hook up. All the signs are there, he’s getting the girl all revved up, and then, he doesn’t even try to take her home. And so, what happens is, she’s just like, “This guy’s a bitch.” So, the following is his latest email.
Hi Coach Corey,
I just wanted to send an interesting update. I stood my ground and was firm but kind. But she’s being inconsistent, still seems to think she’s not in the wrong and no change in being open or understanding?
Yeah. This is going right over his head. He has no idea what’s going on.
I called her and we spoke on the phone for about 45 minutes. I was firm but kind. I apologized for not communicating better, as that night I was exhausted and just wanted to go home but felt bad when I saw her text and wanted to go and pick her up.
I mean, at the end of the day, you wanted to go home and sleep, and so that should have been what it was, not change your mind because you’re trying to please her, which is more weakness. If you really wanted to go home and go to sleep, all you would have had to say when she said, “Why didn’t you take me home?” I would have said, “I know, I’m sorry. I’m just really super exhausted. The only thing I’m thinking about right now is going to sleep, but I’ll definitely make it up to you the next time we see each other. Have a great night.”
That’s all he would have had to say. But instead, in his text exchange, first he tries being a pleaser, which is weakness, and then he gets butt hurt, which is even more weakness. You’re supposed to be unperturbed, nothing bothers you. She was calling him out in a playful way, and he took it the wrong way.
Love is playful and fun. It’s not angry, or butt hurt, or easily offended. And he got butt hurt and easily offended. This is super important, because you’re communicating subtle things, whether you realize it or not, whether you agree with it or not. She’s testing his strength because she’s starting to go, “This guy is kind of a pussy.”
I expressed how I felt she was rude and disrespectful with her response which was not okay. I explained what values were important to me, communication, respect and kindness.
Again, he took it as a personal slight. Which it was, but you don’t get butt hurt over this. He made a big ordeal out of nothing, total feminine energy. This should be the woman talking this way, and he should be like, “Just come on over.”
She was shocked and said nobody had told her that before and simply kept saying, “Thanks for sharing, and I am sorry you feel that way,” which is not an apology.
He’s still mad. See, guys get in these situations, and you want to argue, and you want to win the argument. Even if you win, you lose.
She said she was just being direct. I said we should meet up to talk about this, offering her to come over for dinner.
Well, that’s the right response. It’s like, “Yeah, we can get together and talk about it over dinner.” Really, it was something that was kind of nothing and he blew it up into a big ordeal.
This is, again, more testing of his strength, and he has no idea that this is actually happening. She’s testing to see if he’s compliant because now she’s thinking, “This guy is just too weak. He’s too weak to go for what he wants, obviously.” She doesn’t want to be with the weak guy. The number one, most important thing to women that they find attractive in men is confidence. And he’s displaying no confidence with this. So, she tries an indirect approach for friendzoning him, and he doesn’t realize it, but he complies.
…and said to meet up only during the day…
Well, what do we see in “3% Man” about that?
…for a coffee to try and build a friendship.
So, he responds correctly…
I refused, saying I only do coffee in the day with friends and not with a girl I am going out with, and told her to get in touch if she changed her mind. She triple texted me that same night, asking to meet with me to talk more.
I would have just said, “Well, great. When are you free to get together? We’ll make dinner. We can talk about it. And if you play your cards right, maybe you’ll get a little extra kissy-poo.”
She wanted to meet Saturday, but I had already planned to meet my friend that evening, so I only had 1-2 hours to spare.
What is the man’s job in the courtship? To create an opportunity for sex to happen, not to get together, hang out, have some drama, and then go their separate ways while he goes and does his other plans. You’re not following the book. This ain’t your girlfriend, dude. You haven’t even slept with her yet.
I told her let me check with my friend if he minded rescheduling.
So, now he wants to break his plans with his friend to accommodate her, which is more weakness. Changing his plans to match hers, that’s right out of the book. This is something you don’t do.
Again, these are the little things. You’ve got a power play going on here. She thinks this guy is too weak to date, and therefore she doesn’t trust his masculine core. She’s testing to see what he’s really made of, and he’s just falling all over himself and has no idea what’s going on, because he didn’t read the book 10 to 15 times. He’s basically acting like an overly emotional chick, instead of a man and just handling things. This is such a simple thing. It’s the women that typically tend to go, “Oh, this little thing, ahhh” but instead, he’s acting like the woman here.
She said don’t worry she will see, me and then I can go meet my friend.
You should’ve never done that.
We met, sat on a bench…
Remember, he says, “Hey, come over for dinner,” because then seduction can happen. And so, now she’s trying to see how compliant he is with something platonic. Remember, she tried to friend zone him and he said no. But what does he do? He agrees to meet her during the day and sit on a bench together in a neutral area. It’s the same thing as a coffee date. You just told her you don’t do these things, but she asks you a different way and you agreed to it. See how that works?
He has no idea that he agreed. He says, “I’m not interested in friendship,” but then what’s he do? He goes and does something platonic with her. This is how women test your compliance to see if you’re soft, and he’s displaying all kinds of softness here. He’s got to cancel his plans with the friends. He asked her to dinner, she says lunch. He says, “I don’t do that. I don’t do the friendship thing,” yet he goes and sits on a bench with her before he’s going to meet his friend, doing something platonic, which is the exact opposite of what he said he was down with.
…and I told her what she did was not cool.
“I’m still butt hurt about it.” He didn’t say that, but he might as well have.
And explained how I valued communication, respect and kindness.
Sounds kind of like a replay of the last conversation.
When I asked her what she thought, she simply said, “I already said what I wanted to say.” Isn’t this strange?
No, not at all. You don’t understand women. You didn’t follow instructions or read the book 10 to 15 times. So, I hope you enjoy the blue balls. Congratulations.
She was the one who wanted to talk.
Well, you were the one who said you weren’t interested in friendship. And here you are, sitting on a park bench. Working to grow your case of blue balls.
We went to an exhibition and she was distant at first, but she started touching me and became more affectionate throughout. But towards the end she became cold again and simply left without a hug or anything.
Yeah, because you were turning her stomach. Because, at the end of the day, you said, “I’m not interested in friendship,” and then you go hang out and do something platonic where there can be no seduction, because you’re going to go meet your friend. See how that works, class?
Any thoughts, Coach? Did I overreact?
I felt disrespected.
You shouldn’t have gotten butt hurt over that. She was calling you out. He’s basically being a pussy.
But I didn’t lose my cool and I was firm but kind.
Oh, you lost your cool dude.
I explained my values.
It’s not about your values, dude. It’s about the fact that you weren’t acting like a man, and she called you out on it. And that’s why she said, “I already said what I want to say.” And in her mind, she’s communicated it, but you’re clueless and you don’t get it, because you don’t understand women and you don’t understand how to ask the right questions. And none of this shit should have ever even happened. Because you were a lousy student, you got burned.
I told her she shouldn’t speak to people that way…
…and was open to talk about it.
He’s all about winning this. You’re not winning, dude. All you’re doing is digging yourself a hole. When you find yourself in a deep hole, quit digging. Nope, he just keeps digging.
We haven’t spoken since the last museum date. It has been 3 days. Should I reach out?
Nope. Because if you reach out, you’re basically agreeing to more platonic things. I mean, going to a museum during the day – it’s like, you just said you weren’t interested in being friends, and you go and you do a museum date. No seduction is going to happen when you’re going to the museum during the day, typically. That’s why she was mad. That’s why you got no hug, you got no love. At the end of the day, she was just like, “He’s clueless.”
She’s said something similar before, but I thought she was just joking or having a bad day.
No, she was calling you out because you were a pussy.
When we go out, I also feel she constantly tries to lead/control things.
Yeah, because you’re soft.
Sometimes challenging me.
Yeah, because she senses and feels your weakness, and she doesn’t like it. This is what women do. They’re looking for weakness, and you’re just flailing all over the place, and you have no idea what’s going on.
In her work, she feels the need to be strong, dominant and lead.
Now, he’s making excuses and rationalizing it.
She also grew up without a dad.
That doesn’t mean anything. Maybe she’s messed up. It’s totally possible. The reality is, girls that grow up without a dad tend to be more messed up. That’s a fact of life. But maybe she’s not.
Appreciate any thoughts you might have,
Based on what you’ve shared here, I can see you’ve displayed weakness and you have no idea that’s going on. She pushed you into friend zone, and she stopped reaching out because she’s over it. So, if I were you, I would do nothing. I wouldn’t call or text her again for any reason. If you hear from her, invite her over to your house to make dinner together. Then hang out, have fun and hook up.
I mean, you haven’t said anything about how you’re ultra religious or anything. It just seems like you kind of don’t know what you’re doing. You cherry pick some videos, maybe you skim the book, or maybe you haven’t even read it at all. But I say constantly, read it 10 to 15 times. This is why I pointed out, all throughout your email, all the little mistakes you were making. They were making you look weak and soft in her eyes. She’s calling you out. She’s called you out multiple times, but you’re not getting the message. She’s just basically saying to you, “Be a man, be a man, be a man!” And you’re wanting to argue with her.
So, again, I wouldn’t take her out, or pick her up or agree to lunch. If she does reach out, she’ll probably try to get you to agree to something platonic, and you’ve got to stand firm. Don’t go to a park bench, don’t meet her out, don’t go for coffee. Invite her for dinner. If she doesn’t want to come over for dinner just say, “Hey, it’s been a long week. I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over and make dinner, then give me a call or text me in a couple of weeks and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out then.”
But you might not hear from her for awhile. Because this girl gave you two months, and you dithered and you hesitated and you went nowhere. So, that’s on you. You’ve got to be a better student, man. I say it all the time. But hey, this was a good email for everybody else to learn from. So, you’re going to help a lot of dudes avoid the mistakes that you made, and you had no idea you were even making them.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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