How to deal with women who start jerking you around, cancelling dates, changing your plans at the last minute, etc., and who also start to exhibit the bad personality traits of being inflexible, controlling, manipulative, or simply having a bad attitude.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who had started dating a woman whom he met through the dating app Tinder about six weeks ago. He has been following what I teach for about seven months, watched hundreds of videos, but only read my book five times. Things were going great until she recently asked him if he was hooking up with anyone else on their sixth date. He basically fumbled the football with his response. She didn’t believe him because she obviously is weak and insecure. He made matters worse by going out of his way to convince her that he was only seeing her.
Over the next few weeks, she purposely cancelled several dates at the last minute in an effort to punish and manipulate him. I go through his texts and message exchanges that he had with her, and critique what he did right and wrong and should have done differently. Even though this woman is not really good girlfriend or relationship material, it’s a great email to discuss that can help you tighten up your game when this topic inevitably and eventually comes up with women you are dating.
Hey Coach Corey,
I’m a huge fan. Let me start off by saying, when you tell your listeners to read the book 10-15 times, you really mean 10-15 times. I’ve been following your work for 7 months. I’ve watched hundreds of videos, but have only read your book 5 times, so while I feel I have a very good grasp on the material, I haven’t mastered it to the point where it has become instinctual, and I recently paid the price for that. (When you read my book 10-15 times, you can fine-tune and tweak your approach to reach your full potential, and it will become instinctual.)
Here’s my story…I met this girl on Tinder about 6 weeks ago, a fucking beautiful girl. I followed everything textbook for the first few weeks. I was confident, charming, mysterious, and only used the phone to set dates, etc. She began reaching out after the second date, and from that point forward, she did 100% of the pursuing. We slept together on the third date, and literally, while it was happening, I thought to myself, “God damn, does Corey know what he’s talking about!” Things were good for a couple more weeks, we would see each other once or twice per week, and then I fumbled the football.
On the 6th date, while cuddling on the couch, she asked me if I was hooking up with anyone else. I choked and replied, “Ah, no,” which was actually the truth. I had not been hooking up with anyone else. I know, I know, the myth of the one. I should have been circulating and dating other women, but foolishly, I had dropped everything for this one. (It’s not a bad thing to say, “No. I think you’re amazing,” or “Yeah, I’m dating other people, but quite frankly I haven’t talked to them in a couple of weeks because you’re so awesome and amazing.”) She clearly doubted my response and said, “Oh okay. I think I just got my answer.” I dug myself deeper into a hole by saying, “What, you don’t believe me? I’m really not.” She said, “You can do whatever you want,” and then she seemed okay, and we went back to cuddling. However, just seconds after this exchange, I thought to myself, “You idiot. What should a student of Coach Corey Wayne have responded with right then?” (It really doesn’t matter. You should never let shit like this diminish you.) I knew immediately that I should have said, “Oh, come on baby. A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell,” or, “Well, I’m definitely not hooking up with anyone as charming, beautiful, and fun to be around as you.” (As long as you’re fun and playful, it’s a non-serious answer.) Hindsight is 20/20, but I had definitely dropped the ball.
Her interest level still seemed high in the days following this exchange and she was still texting a couple times a day. We hung out again, and her interest level seemed a bit lower this time. (She didn’t feel very special, and she didn’t believe your answer because she’s probably insecure.) She texted a couple days after the date, although, usually she texted the next day. Since it was after 8 o’clock, I replied to this one the next day in a charming way, and I asked when she was free again. She gave me a couple days she had free, I picked Friday, and set the time and place as well, then she replied, “Haha, definitely not today? But sure, Friday works.” (She’s ready to bring up the “let’s be exclusive” talk, and this is what happens when you’re not prepared.) I replied with, “Haha, I already have plans for tonight but I’m definitely looking forward to seeing you Friday. Talk to you then.” She immediately replied with, “Actually you know what, I don’t want to take up your Friday. Let’s do it another time.” (This is a manipulative response.) I told her that I didn’t look at it as her “taking up my Friday” at all, and again, said I was looking forward to it. She coldly responded with, “Another time.” I then asked her what was wrong and suggested we talk about it in person on Friday, and she replied with, “Nothing is wrong. (Now she’s not being communicative. She’s seeking to punish you and teach you a lesson since you roughed up her ego.) I just don’t want to be a part of a schedule of other girls, that’s all. No need to meet up. I promise.” In her mind, the mysterious guy who always got back to her the next day when she texted after 8 pm, probably didn’t mesh with the guy who had just claimed a few days before that he was not seeing other women. I then FOOLISHLY said, “You’re not part of a schedule of other girls, just like I told you on the couch the other night.” I got no reply.
A day later, I made the BIGGEST mistake of the bunch. I felt as though she did not believe me about the other girls and sent a very long text starting with, “Listen, I want to get some things straight,” then I proceeded to explain that I am a very busy guy, and just because I’m out most nights doesn’t mean I’m with another girl. (Now, you’re pursuing her when she’s ignoring you. It’s supposed to be like a game of tennis.) I told her that I had been hooking up with other girls in the recent past, but in the last month or so, the amount of time her and I had known each other, I had not been seeing anyone else. I told her that I was “an honest person and that was the truth,” just an idiotic thing to text. I know. I had just communicated to her that I had dropped all other women for her. She replied with, “I do believe you, and I’m sorry for making you upset. You can date whomever you want. I don’t want to get in your way.” (That’s when you say, “I want to date you baby.”) I responded with, “You’re not in my way. I don’t see it like that. But lets talk about those kinds of things in person. Things get misinterpreted through text.” My plan, when I saw her, was to explain that since we were both single, we SHOULD be dating other people, and although I had in fact NOT been dating other girls since we met, so as to be congruent with my words, I had simply been super busy with work and family, but wasn’t intentionally not dating other people. Well, I never got the chance to tell her in person. I’m sure you’re SHOCKED to hear that, ha. I then reconfirmed our date for the next day, and she agreed to it. I thought to myself at this point, “you have just come across as so weak,” and, “be prepared for her to test the shit out of you in the near future.”
The next day came and 3 hours before the date, she cancelled with no explanation, just simply, “I wanted to let you know that I can’t make it tonight, and we’ll plan something next week.” I replied with, “No worries. Which nights next week are you free?” She replied with, “I don’t know. We’ll figure it out.” These were two cold texts she had sent, and I wondered if she was testing to see how I would react since I had gotten all serious on her the night before with the long text. I did not reply to that last one. About a half hour later, she texted saying, “Sorry. I found out earlier that I didn’t get a job offer, got bummed out, and didn’t think I would be any fun tonight.” (Let her know it’s not cool for her to cancel at the last minute. Say, “That’s all the more reason you should go out and have fun.” Stay on task.) It seemed like she was almost apologizing for reacting too quickly earlier, and was almost daring me to ask if we could still hang out tonight, or maybe I’m reading too much into it. I simply said I was sorry to hear about the job and something would come along soon and she said she hoped so. Communication stopped at this point, Friday, and I knew I had to let her come to me.
Sunday night I got a text from her, and after a couple bullshit, “How was your weekend?” texts, I asked when she was free this week to get together. She replied, “Any day before Thursday. How about Tuesday?” She was going away for the weekend on Thursday. I told her that Tuesday would be tough, but “how about Wednesday?” She said that that worked, I set a definite date for 8 o’clock, and told her I was looking forward to it, and would see her then. She said she was also looking forward to it as well. Tuesday morning I got a text from her, “So I just realized I have to work late tomorrow night and won’t be getting out until 9 pm. Will that be too late for you to hang out when I get out?” (I would have said, “Of course not baby. I want to see you.”) She works a half hour away from where she and I live. I did the takeaway, and replied with “Hey, sounds like you’re kind of jammed up. Let’s just do it another time when your schedule is more open.” I wonder if I came off like a cold fish in this reply since I did not address her question about it being too late to hang out. I got no reply and have not heard from her since. This was 8 days ago. (I wouldn’t contact her anymore. Her attitude sucks, she’s cancelling dates and she’s jerking you around.)
Here are my questions Corey. Do you find it odd that after she broke that Friday date, she reached out 2 days later and even suggested a day that week that we could hang out? It seems like that still suggests an interest level of at least 50%, unless she was planning on breaking the next date the whole time. (At this point, she’s pissed off, she’s hurt, she’s being manipulative, and she’s blowing the whole thing up. That’s why it’s best to let it go and wait for her to reach out to you.) The other thing is, when she messed with the plans of that next date, she could have just as easily texted me the day of the date and cancelled and said she had to work. Instead, she texted me in the morning the day before, messing with the plans and asking if 9 would be too late. Was this a test? (It may have been a test, but I would have just assumed she had to work late.) Was she seeing if I would go along with her messing with the plans, or even maybe seeing if I would try to switch the date to that day? Is it possible that she really did have to work, and the reason she texted me in advance on Tuesday was perhaps so I could find a way to hang out since that is the day she originally suggested, but then was simply put off by my take away? (She doesn’t look like she’s showing any signs of dishonesty. You should give her the benefit of the doubt.) Should I have responded differently when she tried messing with the plans? I am almost certain that she was put off by my takeaway response. I didn’t address her question about it being too late, and wonder if I came off as kind of a cold fish. Is this a situation where I should wait two weeks and reach out to her, or because she messed with two consecutive dates, should I wait for her to come to me and also wait for her to bring up getting together, keeping it to 2 or 3 texts max, good hearing from you, got to run, keep in touch, etc? (She’s blowing you off, so you should get back in the game and start dating other women.) Also, if I am to hang out with her again, what would be your strategy in bringing up the fact that I think we should both be dating other people, since I so strongly denied the fact that I was seeing other women? (No, I wouldn’t bring that up at all. You need to hang out, have fun, and hook up. Now you’re thinking about bringing up drama when you get together the next time.) In one breath she says, “I don’t want to be a part of a schedule of other girls,” and then in the next she says, “you can date whoever you want, I don’t want to get in your way.” (She’s basically saying she didn’t feel special. She wanted to be your girlfriend, but now she feels like one of many. That’s really her insecurity. A woman with healthy self esteem wouldn’t have acted that way.) I can’t help but think that if I had gotten the opportunity to talk to her in person and explain how we both should be dating other people, her attraction would have gone back up. In the meantime, I AM dating other people, and have been reading your book and practicing as often as possible with other girls. Thank you in advance for your reply, Corey. You’ve changed my life for the better. (This is a cautionary tale of why you need to read my book 10-15 times so you will instinctively know how to react in situations like this.)
My response to him:
This girl is purposely jerking you around. She is punishing you because she is weak and insecure. Deep down she obviously does not think she is good enough for you, so she expects you to eventually ditch her for another woman. She assumes you’re screwing other women, despite your assurances to the contrary. I would not call her or text her ever again. She has a shitty attitude, she’s manipulative, and trying to jerk you around on purpose. It sounds like she may have even read my book and has watched my videos from some of her responses. You’re looking for a woman who is flexible and has a good attitude. When a woman starts bringing up the subjects she brought up, you should answer them with the typical question, “What do you mean?” and get her to explain it instead of putting your foot in your mouth and making a mess of things. When she called to push the date back, more than likely she was doing it on purpose to manipulate you, but I would have been okay with meeting her an hour later if her work was getting in the way, and given her the benefit of the doubt. If she reaches out again in the future, make a date with her, but this time, make it at your place to make dinner together. Do not go to her place, pick her up, or meet her out. If she tries to get you to do anything other than come over to your place and make dinner together, give her this response, “It’s been a long week, and I’m just in the mood to hang at my place. If you don’t want to come over and make dinner together, then give me a call in 2-3 weeks, and maybe I will be up for something more formal then.” If she keeps your plans and doesn’t try to jerk you around, then you can go back to taking her out from that point forward for your subsequent dates, but if she cancels or tries to change the plans or the day at the last minute again, then don’t ask her out again. Make her ask you out. When she gets in touch from that point forward, if she jerks you around for a third time, then tell her this, “Hey, it was great hearing from you, but I’ve got to run. Keep in touch.” Keep your phone calls to 2-3 minutes max, and keep your text exchange to 2-3 max if she she jerks you around for a third time, and always give her the same canned response. She’ll either bring up getting together, or stop contacting you. At this point, between your mistakes and her inflexible attitude, the chances of this working out are really low. You should be dating other women and looking for a woman who has a good attitude and doesn’t pull this BS with you.
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From my heart to yours,
Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“Women who have a healthy self esteem are going to be most attracted to men who have lots of options and choices with women. A woman with a good, healthy self esteem and self confidence is going to feel like she is his best option and will eventually get him all to herself. However, a man must make her feel more special than all of the other women he may be seeing. If the man makes her feel like she’s just another notch in his bedpost, a high self esteem woman will lose interest and walk away.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne