Insecurities, Regrets & What-If’s

Why you should keep your insecurities to yourself, not have any regrets in life and not live in the past, always wondering “what if I had done things differently?” when it comes to your personal life.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has a genetic condition called Neurofibromatosis. Over the past year, he met a woman who worked as a clerk in a store he frequented. He is thirty-five, and she is twenty-three. One day when they were talking about tattoos, they exchanged numbers. He called her and they went out on a date, which went really well. He did not try to sleep with her due to his insecurities about his Neurofibromatosis. However, over the next few days they started having sex.

She did not seem to mind his condition at all. Things went great for a few weeks. Then, his insecurities got the best of him. He talked to her in a harsh tone on the phone, and basically cried like a little girl in front of her. A week later, he called her to see how she was. She said she was trying to get over him and hung up on him. He has not heard from her in six months. He asks my opinion.

Hello Coach,

I’d like to applaud you and say bravo, for being someone who gives real advice that makes sense. If I had known your work sooner, I would have done things differently, and maybe would have still had a chance with this relationship. (You arrived right on time. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.) I’m 35-years old, and I have one major insecurity about myself. I have a condition called Neurofibromatosis, “NF,” and it really messes with my confidence. (If you can understand it’s supposed to be this way, it will shape your perspective on things. From a spiritual perspective, maybe this person came into your life to learn from her experience with you.) I met this beautiful 23-year old at her job. She works at a garden center. I shop there often, and she has helped me many times before to find items I needed to buy, but never showed any kind of interest in me. One day, as I walked in the store, she attracted to me like a magnet. She liked my yin-yang tattoo, and told me how she also wanted to get the same tattoo, I told her my cousin did it for me, and that I could arrange it for her, so we exchanged numbers. She was even wearing a yin-yang necklace. (Like attracts like. People who like the same things tend to like each other. Energetically, the two of you were drawn together to have an experience.) One week later, I decided to give her a call just to say a friendly hello. We spoke on the phone for an hour, she asked me to meet her for a drink of Ouzo, and I happily agreed. The chemistry was definitely there. We have the exact same outlook on life, and definitely had lots of coincidences and synchronicity going on. (That’s why I always say, go do things you love and join organizations where you can meet like-minded people. The likelihood of you meeting someone who looks at the world in the same way will be much higher.) Our first names are the same, however spelled differently, our dogs’ names are similar, and we also looked similar as well. (We tend to be attracted to members of the opposite sex who have a similar facial structure to our own.) She took me back to her bed to get some sleep, since it was 4 am, but I didn’t make any moves on her because of my NF. (You were fearful. Look at your condition, and ask yourself how this can help you become more compassionate and loving towards other people. If you don’t have a problem with it, nobody else will either.) Although, “If” I did, it would’ve happened. However, I’m afraid of what kind of a reaction she would have. (At the end of your life you will most likely only have regrets about the things you didn’t do.)

After the third day of hanging out, we made love, and she didn’t seemed bothered by my NF. She even told me she would “ask some doctors for advice.” (She was into you. If you look at your condition as a source of beauty and inspiration, it becomes something that makes you unique and different.) She told me she was “falling in love with me,” in that moment, and she had a plan to move back home, which was off the island, but because she had met me, she wanted to stay on the island.

After hanging out and hooking up for two weeks, her sisters were coming to visit. She hadn’t seen them in two years, and they were going to stay only five days, so she told me, “we can’t hang out until they leave.” I was cool with it. However, the next day she called me to meet her sisters. (Attraction cuts through everything.) We all went out for a drink, and at some point her sisters left. She and I were talking, and she asked me, if we were to have a child, would my NF affect the baby. I told her it was 50/50. She didn’t seem happy to hear this, and she told me we should go see a specialist. (This tells me she was thinking of you as a long-term possibility at this point.) The night after she called me, we spoke on the phone, and by mistake, I spoke to her in a very bad tone of voice because I have some issues with myself when I talk to people on the phone. (This is the story you tell yourself to justify your behavior. You were feeling insecure about something, so you acted emotionally irrational.) I FELT LIKE A MALAKA, a Greek slang term meaning, a “wanker.” After I talked to her in that tone, within a minute, she told me she had to go. I’M A PEACEFUL PERSON. (You were projecting your bullshit that was inside of you and expecting her to deal with it. You figured since you were sleeping together, you could really be an asshole, and she’d still love you anyway.) The next night, I went over her house, and she told me how she was leaving to go back home, to fix things with her dad because they don’t talk. Because I had fallen in love with her, I was hurt and kind of cried in front of her. I show my feelings, as I feel them. (You came unglued and had a meltdown. You chose to not exercise any emotional self-control.) She seemed shocked, and had a tear on her face as well. I asked her If I did something wrong, but she told me no. One week later, I tried calling her. I asked her how she was, and with a crying voice, she started to say she’s trying to forget, and hung up.

It’s been six months, she never called me, and she doesn’t answer my calls or texts. (When a woman hangs up on you like that, you don’t ever call her or text her again.) It’s like I don’t exist to her.

Was it lust? (No, you just talked her out of liking you by acting like a jackass. You stopped being the guy she fell in love with.)

Did I scare her away? (Yes.)

Could I have been a rebound? (No. You began acting like you didn’t deserve her.)

Maybe “IF” I didn’t speak to her that way…? (Yes, that was part of it.)

There’s an old saying in Greece about the “what if’s.” They say, “IF my grandmother had a pair of balls, I would have called her my grandfather.” (You need to be consistent with your behavior. Don’t let your condition define who you are. Come up with playful ways to talk about it, and you will come across as confident and charming.)

Bob

“Most people live their lives and focus all of their mental energy on what may or may not happen in the future, or they obsess over what happened to them in the past. This prevents them from enjoying their lives and living in the present moment. When our mind is consumed with “what if” scenarios or past regrets, we suffer unnecessarily and miss the gift that life is. If you were to adopt a superior mindset and belief system to keep yourself focused on the present moment, it would be that everything that has happened in your life happened for a reason and on purpose. There are no accidents. There is no imperfection or anything wrong with you; you’ve only ever done what you were meant to do. What happened, happened and couldn’t have happened any other way. The only thing you would then have to do is to understand the meaning, lesson and gift of your past, so you gain the wisdom from it that will enable you to make the right choices in the future so you can fulfill your destiny.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne