Intimacy Has Dropped After The Honeymoon Phase Is Over

What you should do when the honeymoon phase is over and you’re less interested in physical intimacy.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a female viewer who is dating a guy who has read 3% Man 5 times. They have been together for almost a year now. She says the honeymoon phase is over and her boyfriend is less interested in sex and intimacy. She is afraid to bring it up when she is really horny, so instead she says nothing and ends up feeling like she is undesirable.

Her boyfriend no longer consistently takes the lead in the seduction process. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of her email.

As I’ve said countless times over the years, typically, the honeymoon period lasts 6 to 12 months. That’s the infatuation. That’s the elation that you feel. But what happens after the newness wears off? Because the honeymoon phase does not last forever, typically 6 to 12 months, and then you kind of have your normal set point. And so, for her, she wants it more than he does. He’s gotten kind of lazy and complacent and is no longer taking the lead. And she’s also not speaking up for herself and communicating what she wants, which basically makes her feel like she’s undesirable, and so she says nothing, and she feels terrible about it. And so, she wants to know what she can do to help get the intimacy back together.

And it brings up a good point, because once the infatuation is gone and the euphoria is gone and trying to win her over, if you will, or win her heart, like I talk about in the title of my book, then you’re left with the day in and day out. When you feel comfortable, when you feel safe, when you feel complacent, when you feel like, “I’ve got this,” that’s when you slowly get lazy. And then, what you’re left with is effort. All relationships require effort, and that includes on days where you don’t feel like it. And I’ve said this is normal, that if the guy is applying what’s in my book, he’s going to get to the point where, oftentimes, the girl is going to want sex more than he does. And that’s kind of where he’s at.

So, he’s gotten lazy, he’s gotten complacent. He’s been with her for a year. I don’t know how long he’s been following me, but he’s only read the book about five times. So, that in and of itself tells me he really hasn’t been the best student. He’s one of a lot of typical guys. They read my book, they get into a relationship with a girl, they’re hooking up all the time. It’s like, “I’ve got this. I don’t need to read this thing 10 to 15 times. I’m special, I’m rich, I’m successful, I’m high IQ,” whatever it happens to be. They don’t listen to me, and then they end up in a phone session, or their girlfriends send me emails like this.

The reality is, the longer you’re with somebody, it’s just like your close friendships or your relationship with your parents. It’s like a garden. You’ve got to water it. You’ve got to make sure it gets plenty of sunlight. You’ve got to get rid of the weeds, and you’ve got to give it fertilizer. You’ve got to give it everything it needs to thrive and survive. Just like a dog. You get a new puppy, everybody loves the puppy. “It’s so cute. We love the puppy.” But once the dog grows up and it’s a couple of years old, you’ve still got to let it outside. You’ve still got to take it to the groomer to get it clipped. You’ve still got to feed it. You’ve still got to take it to the vet. You’ve got to do all those things.

The same thing with kids. You’ve always got to give them attention, and you just do it because you love them. That’s what love is. Love is an act. It’s giving. You give because you want to see the other person smile. And so, when you’re together for a year and the other person no longer feels like they have to win you over or do much to keep you, then what’s happening is they’re not giving anymore. Love is an act, and so they’re not giving. And you can see, as I go through this email, what happens when the man stops giving and he stops leading. It causes the woman to feel like he doesn’t care. He used to do it in the beginning, but he doesn’t care anymore.

That’s a big complaint women have in a relationship. The guy is on it during the courtship, then after the honeymoon phase is over, he just stops making the effort. And so, that’s what you’re seeing is the beginnings of it. And it’s causing his girlfriend to feel rejected. And she wants to be a good girlfriend. She doesn’t want to be a nag. She doesn’t want to bring up in a way that sounds like she’s complaining, but she misses the intimacy. She’s like, “What do I do?” And she really loves this guy. So, we get to see the perspective of the woman – what happens when the guy gets lazy and complacent.

I’ve done countless emails over the years where guys are in this situation. This guy is obviously familiar with my work, yet he’s still making mistakes. And as the book says, the courtship never ends. It’s an ongoing process. If you don’t date and court your wife or girlfriend, eventually some other guy will.

A lot of people come to me, and a lot of guys especially come to me, because when the honeymoon phase ended, they got lazy, they got complacent, like this guy did, and the woman complains, she brings it up. He says he’ll do something about it. He’s good for a couple of weeks, and then he just kind of reverts back. And eventually, she’s like, “He just doesn’t care. He’s not going to make the effort that’s required.” And then she dumps him.

And then, after the guy gets dumped or he gets served with divorce papers, that’s when he’s like, “Corey, I need your help. I’ve got to save my relationship. It’s the love of my life. I don’t want to lose the love of my life. She’s amazing.” But right now, where she’s not happy, (not as happy as she was, she still loves the guy), and she’s bringing these things up in however a way, whether she brought it up in a good way or not, he’s not responding. So, if this guy continues on in this particular trajectory that he’s on, eventually she will tire of it. She will tire of not feeling loved and cared for, and she will leave him. This is what happens. So you kind of see she’s trying to make things better in a relationship and he’s coasting. He’s gotten fat and happy, if you will. So, don’t be like this guy.

Viewer’s Email:

Dear Coach,

I truly am in love with this man who I think is almost a 3% man, but not quite there yet.

Obviously.

He claims to have read the book at least 5 times and I see him watch at least one YouTube video of yours every day.

So, if he’s watching one video every day, but he’s only read the book five times, and they’ve been together about a year, I assume that means he was following my work before he got into this relationship. That tells me he’s being a half-assed student. He’s lazy. He’s not doing what he needs to be doing, and he’s cherry picking, if he’s only he’s just watching videos here and there. The videos aren’t going to help if your horny girlfriend is not getting a proper seeing to. One of the things you owe, as a man in your relationship, is you’ve got to give your girl a proper seeing to. You’ve got to take care of her in the bedroom.

I’ve been listening to your podcasts for a couple of months now, ever since my boyfriend and I had a big argument that led to a short break.

Well, men who understand women do not argue with them. And so, this and the fact that he’s only read the book five times, shows he’s cherry picking videos. He’s half-assing it, he’s got low standards, he’s lazy. And yes, I’m roasting him, and I’m sure he’s going to see this video. You need to step up your game, dude. This is not going to cut it. Your relationship will not last. If you continue on the path you’re on, eventually, she will leave you. She will get tired, she will give up, and she’ll go find another guy. And you know what, she should, because you’re not taking care of business, because you didn’t listen.

Before that break, we also had a couple of arguments because of communication issues caused by me, so that’s how I knew about you since he always references your work.

So she caused some communication issues. She doesn’t elaborate. I don’t know what it is.

He takes your coaching session like it’s the Bible.

Well, that sounds nice, but if he’s only read the book in, what a year or two, how long he’s been following me, he’s only read it five times, and he’s cherry picking videos, he’s not a good student. He’s half-assing it, he’s lazy, he’s cutting corners.

I really am doing my best to learn from my mistakes and be a better teammate, and I also love listening to your work because it allows me to see things in his perspective so I can understand why he acts a certain way.

Well, the other thing is, because he’s only been through the book five times, he doesn’t really understand the philosophy. He doesn’t understand the interaction between pickup, dating, and relationships. And the fact that you’re writing this email tells me everything I need to know. He’s not there yet. He’s got a ways to go. He thinks his work is done. There ain’t no way. This just ain’t going to cut it, dude.

The topic of tonight’s email is a girlfriend who cries herself to sleep because she feels undesirable. I’m not sure if it’s because we are exiting the honeymoon phase…

Yep.

…or if he was scarred from the pregnancy scare we’ve had, or if he’s losing attraction for me. 

The reality is, if you were almost pregnant, or if you thought you were pregnant, if your period was late, and you’re happy, you’re in love, you’re a good match, the child’s a gift. And if the relationship is not solid, then the child feels like a burden. Simple as that.

We’ve been together for almost a year now, and he tells me that he loves me.

Well, it’s nice that he says it, but does he show it? That’s the important thing.

He says that he loves me, but I feel like he was more excited to see me in the beginning of our relationship.

Yeah, it’s the infatuation. It’s the honeymoon phase. He’s still trying to win you over, win your heart, so to speak. He’s got a goal. He’s got a mission to win you over. Then he won you over, and he’s like, “Ahh, now I can coast.”

We were more adventurous. We loved taking risks. We had a lot more sex. He put more effort on planning dates.

Well, “The Courtship Never Ends” is a chapter right in the book. You’ve always got to date and court your wife. You always have to do it. It’s just like if you have kids, you always have to take care of your children. You can’t just go, “Eh, I don’t feel like being a parent.” The same thing with your pet, or you’ve got a fish tank, “Eh, I really don’t feel like feeding my damn fish. Screw them,” and you let all the fish die. Or “I’m tired of being a gardener. Screw all of those damn weeds. I’m tired of pulling them,” and then you just let the weeds take over your garden. Then you’ve got a ruined garden.

He leaves me surprise love notes with chocolates sometimes. Now, I feel like he is less attracted to me, but at least I feel like he’s more affectionate. He is more expressive with his feelings, takes care of me really well, and he’s really everything I want in someone. It’s just that I like him and love him so much, I crave for more of his love and attention, but I can’t get it.

Remember, when a woman’s in love, she wants to your attention all of the time, and she’s not getting it enough. And is she not getting it enough because he’s just busy, or is she not getting enough because he’s lazy and he thinks he doesn’t have to do it anymore? Love is an act. It’s giving. You give because you want to see her smile.

There really is just something with having a passionate indoor Olympics while staring at his eyes, through his soul, that makes me feel connected to him – not just physically, but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And I crave that. I don’t just enjoy doing it because I’m horny.

Well, you know what? You kind of should. Because every time you have sex, it’s not going to be the soul intertwining of your essences, and skyrockets, and fireworks and shit going off all the time. It’s okay to have a quickie. It’s okay to be horny when he’s not really horny and let him give you a few orgasms, or vice versa. It’s a nice thing to do. Love is an act, after all.

I do it because I want to feel that feeling.

Remember when I talk about girls’ feelings, all they care about is how they feel about you. I get it, you live for the feelings, but sometimes you’ve just got to go for it and bump uglies.

It also gives me validation and it is comforting.

Because if he takes the time, it makes her feel like he cares. If he doesn’t take the time, he doesn’t care. If she’s horny, but he’s not into it, and she can feel that he’s not into it, she feels he’s not there, he’s not present. He should be there and be thinking, “I want to give her the best quickie orgasm, (or orgasms), that I can give her.”

He used to be the one to take the lead. Now I have to hint at it, but I still can’t get him, and I have to wait until he feels like it.

Well, it’s okay to suggest. You have needs too, and you have to be able to communicate them like an adult. Not bitchy, not being a nag, but just telling him what you love. Say, “Honey, I would love a quickie. I am feeling it. I need to be lit up, and you are just the man to do the trick.” A man’s got to take care of business in the bedroom.

There’s been a time before that he told me he did the deed even though he did not really want to.

The reality is, sex is work, especially for the guy. You know, your lower back hurts, your ass hurts, your thighs hurt, your dick hurts, your abs hurt. It’s just everything, especially when you really, really get into it. That’s why I call it the indoor Olympics. It literally feels like the Olympics. So, it is work. It is work to get the happy ending.

Ever since then, I did not want to initiate anymore.

Well, that’s a mistake on your part. You shouldn’t be that way. And you can’t take it as a rejection. I mean, sometimes he’s feeling up to it, and sometimes he’s not going to feel like it at all. But if he cares about you, he’ll make sure that you get pleasured, and vice versa. Maybe he’s having a bad day or whatever, and sometimes, just give him a beer, give him a drink, pull his pants down and give him a nice, free blowjob just because.

Or at least I was afraid to do so.

Well, fear and hurt imprison the heart, as I talk about in “The 10 Disciplines of Love,” in the back of the book.

Even if I tried, I feel like I’d upset him. I probably overthink it, but I always have to think about how he’s feeling at the moment, like “he’s probably tired, he’s very sleepy.”

If he loves you and he cares about you, he’s not going to care that he’s tired. If his girl is horny, he wants to make sure she’s happy. And the gift of an orgasm is a nice gift. So, he should be willing to give it, even when he doesn’t feel like it. That’s the reality. The longer you’re together with somebody, you’re going to be having sex at times when you don’t feel like having sex. You’ll get into it after awhile, but you just don’t feel like it.

There’s been plenty of times over the course of my life where I’m not into it. My girl comes over, starts rubbing me in special places, and I’m not really feeling it. But I know what she wants, and I’m happy to give it to her, because I want her to be happy. I don’t want to be some lazy ass dude who’s like, “Oh, not tonight, honey. I’m not feeling it.” And then you become one of those couples that has sex every two weeks or once a week, just for a quick release. That’s no fun.

“He worked really hard today…”

It doesn’t matter. You’re in a relationship. You go there to give. And if a girl’s got needs, you’ve got to ask him in a loving way. Say, “Baby, I’m so horny. I want you deep inside me right now. I can’t take it. Just the thought of it. Just a quickie.”

“…that I did not want to take away his time for himself.

Well, you can always ask him. If he seems kind of quiet, just say, “Do you need time alone in your man cave? Do you want me just to leave you alone for awhile so you can contemplate and think?” And then if he says, “Yes, that’d be great,” then kiss him and say, “No problem, honey. Let me know when you’re ready, and then you can give me a proper seeing to.”

The other thing you could also do is seductive poses, skimpy outfits, bending over in front of him, leaning forward so your cleavage shows, just things like that to enchant him in. Walking around in skimpy outfits, just walking naked around the house for the hell of it. “Why are you walking around naked?” “Because I’m horny. I’m really hoping you take me and ravish me upstairs.” Go grab his hand and take him with you.

Doing this hurts me though. I do tell him what I feel, but he ignores it.

Well, then you just say, “Look, I just told you how I felt and you just ignored me. That hurts me. That makes me feel like you don’t care.” Don’t be bitchy, don’t yell, don’t get angry. Just communicate it.

One time, I was told to learn the art of seduction. I am trying, but it’s difficult to muster up courage.

Well, it takes time. It’s nice just to walk by one another and to reach out your hand and slowly rub it over his private parts as you walk by, and vice versa. Or, you go over and just put your hand down his pants as you talk to him. It doesn’t take much to get a guy turned on, but you’ve got to make the effort. You can’t just lay around and expect the guy to do everything. That’s not fair either. It also is nice when the woman wants to seduce you, when she just wants to get it on.

My heart really feels like it’s sinking, and it hurts to feel this type of way.

That’s because you’re holding back. Remember, fear and hurt imprison the heart. Hold nothing back and give your gift.

It’s difficult to go from almost feeling like he’s attracted to me every day and having a lot of Olympics in a week, into slightly feeling like roommates who love each other that maybe could get one Olympic session a week.

So, you’ve got to make more of an effort. You can’t just expect him to be 100% the seducer. That’s not fair. Because the reality is, sometimes he ain’t into it, and definitely, sometimes you’re not into it. But if he takes his time, and he follows the seduction process in the book, he’ll get warmed up to the idea.

Am I broken?

It doesn’t sound like it. It just sounds like you’re not making the effort that you should be, and vice versa. You both are slacking off.

What am I doing wrong if I am?

Well, number one, you’re not communicating in a loving way what you need. You could ask. Say, “Baby, I want you deep inside me so bad. I’m so horny right now. You don’t have to do anything. Just lay down, and I’ll take care of all the work. I know you’re tired. It’s been a long day, but I’ve got to get one off. I’ve got to bust one out.”

How do I become a better partner and revive the honeymoon phase? Or can I even do that?

Well, seduce him also. There’s two of you in the relationship. You can’t just lay around and be lazy and go, “Oh, I’m the girl. The guy’s got to do everything.” It doesn’t work that way.

I know I need to communicate my wants and needs, but I just need to know how to do it without seeming like I’m just a needy, horny person. I care about him a lot, and I really want to keep the love alive especially. We’re only about to be together for a year. 

It’s okay to be a horny person. Just communicate it in a loving way. And if he makes you feel rejected, just say, “When you said this, when you did that, it kind of makes me feel like you don’t care. You used to do it. Now, we’re only having sex once a week or every couple of weeks. It’s not enough. You’re getting lazy. Remember that video that Corey did of us?” You can always go back and throw this in his face when he doesn’t do things properly.

See, this is what happens to every guy. They get comfortable. At some point, no matter how long you’re together, this is every guy’s experience. He feels like he’s got you, he’s comfortable. The woman starts bitching. He shuts down even more because he’s like, “Damn, no matter what I do, the bitch ain’t happy.” You’ve got to be sweet. You’ve got to ask in a loving way and seduce him, too. It doesn’t take much. All you’ve got to do is rub him in a few strategic places for a little bit. Breathe in his ear a little heavy, caress his back. Put your hands up behind his shirt, down his pants. It’s pretty simple. Guys are easy, really super easy. Guys are a lot easier to get turned on than women.

This is not the first time I felt frustrated. I literally have cried myself to sleep several times because of this overthinking and contemplation on what’s wrong with me or what has changed. 

This just happens. This is the natural cycle. The honeymoon period is over, and now it actually requires effort on both of your parts. It’s the same thing when you’re working out. Say, you work out for a year and a half, two years, you get in great shape. You’re like, “This is amazing. I look great.” And then you stop going to the gym, “I’m just going to skip today,” or “I’m going to take a week off.” And the next thing you know, you haven’t been in six months, all your clothes are loose again, and things are a little flabby, a little saggy. You’re like, “Oh, geez.”

You have to find a way to do the little things. You just have to. It’s part of being in a relationship. Like I said earlier, if you have kids, you can’t just go, “I don’t feel like being a parent anymore. They’re on their own. I don’t feel like feeding these goldfish anymore. Let them drink the water. Oh look, the goldfish all died.”

I would love to know your thoughts on this. I really want this to work out. I’m not perfect, but I’m working on becoming one. I love this man, and I want to make things right.

You’ve just got to communicate. It’s pretty simple.

Even if you don’t read this or send me an email back. I’m grateful for all you do, and at least I was able to let my sadness out through this letter. I’d love to book a coaching session one day, but I can’t afford it at the moment. 

Thank you so much!

Jessica

Well, like I said, that’s what I would do if I were you. This is a really simple thing, but it’s going to require both people, and it requires more effort on your part to communicate your needs. And it also requires effort on his part to actually read the book 10 to 15 times and stop being a lazy ass and cherry picking videos, because that’s not going to work. So, you both have work to do, but again, you’re there to give.

Now that the infatuation’s over, the question is, are you going to make the effort? Is he going to make the effort? If you both do, if you encourage each other to do it. You’re there to meet each other’s needs. You’re there to help each other grow and become more, and that includes your sexual needs as well. And he’s not psychic. You can’t just hint and innuendo and expect him to figure out how to treat you. You’ve got to ask in a loving, sweet way, not in a nagging way, not in a bitching way, but in an encouraging way. “Oh, I always love it when I’m on top of you,” or “I love it when you bend me over the couch or the kitchen counter,” or “That sex we had last Friday night was really hot. I’d love to do it like that again.” Whatever. You’ve got to speak your needs to him and make it easy.

We want to make you happy. Just tell us what you need without being a bitch about it, without nagging, Just ask it in a sweet way. And if you’re horny, you have hands, you have a mouth, you have a body. You know how to be sexually enticing to a man, so use what God gave you. It attracted him to you in the first place, and you’ve got to always use that. So, it just requires more mental effort at this point, just because the honeymoon phase is over. And so, ten years from now, these same feelings that you’re having, that he’s he’s having, throw some kids in the mix, this is what it’s like. This is what happens. Are you going to make the effort, or not? That is to be determined.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.