Is Being With A Dominatrix Cheating Or Therapy?

I discuss if being with a dominatrix is considered cheating or therapy.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been in a good relationship for about two years. He says his fantasy is to be tied up by a dominatrix so he can’t touch her while she plays with his feet, tickles him and a little rub and tug for a happy finish. He has no intention of ever telling his girlfriend and says their websites say this is therapy.

He says he won’t have sex with the dominatrix. He also says this will be a one time thing. He asks if this is considered cheating. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Well, this is going to be an interesting email. This particular email this guy is in a relationship. He has a girlfriend. He says they have a good relationship. They’ve been together since December of 2022, but he’s always had this fantasy, if you will, or a kink, that he wants to be tied up, he wants to have a gimp mask on. I mean, I haven’t looked at what a gimp mask is. I think I know what it is.

If you guys have ever seen the show Billions, which is with Damian Lewis and Paul Giamatti, just a great fucking show. Tony Robbins is friends with the producers of that show. I loved it. I thought it was a great show. So one of the main characters, Paul Giamatti, his character is the district attorney, kind of weird out there and he has a dominatrix that he goes and sees. His wife, or the woman who plays his wife and then later his ex-wife, if you watch till the end of it, well, I don’t want to spoil the surprise. They’re together for most of the series and they get divorced at some point. It’s just interesting.

So he has a dominatrix that he goes to. He’s tied up and I think he has the ball in his mouth, maybe. It’s really kind of kinky and weird. Like I look at stuff like that and I go, “That doesn’t do shit for me.” I know some people like that. I’ve had girlfriends that liked to be tied up. Different strokes for different folks. I don’t judge. Whatever floats your boat. What’s good for you, for me, I might be like, “I have no interest in that,” and vice versa. Things I like, people might go, “Well, that’s pretty vanilla,” or “Not very exciting,” but this dude, this has always been his fantasy, but now he’s in a relationship.

So he goes on their websites and they say on the websites that it’s therapy. It’s like, I’m not a therapist. I’m not a counselor. I don’t do that stuff. I have no interest in that. I have no interest in becoming a psychologist or therapist. Plus, I’m dealing with people all over the globe. I don’t know what the laws are in your country. Maybe anybody that’s a therapist, a couples therapist or a psychologist that follows you, maybe you guys can comment below, I just don’t know. I don’t know. Maybe in some countries this is a licensed form of therapy. I have no idea. I just don’t. From my perspective, it’s a pretty unusual thing. Then again, nothing really surprises me after doing this for 20 plus years. This kind of stuff is something I almost never hear about. I know some dudes like to be tied up and stuff like that.

Like I said, when I read this email, first thing I’m thinking of is Billions. In Billions, Paul Giamatti’s character, I can’t remember the actress’s name, she does an amazing job. She’s like a high performance coach, therapist, psychologist. She basically takes self-help and marries that with her therapy practice or her psychology practice. I think she’s a psychologist. So she’s fully aware of her husband’s kinks and his hang ups. I think she might even, in some of the episodes, knows the dominatrix. Sometimes she’s like, “You need to go see him.” I think sometimes in some of the episodes, she would do some kinky things with him in the bedroom as well, but most of the stuff where he’s tied up, he had a specific dominatrix where he would go, he liked to be whipped and stuff like that and be told what to do. I don’t know the the stuff behind it.

Again, anybody that’s a therapist or psychologist that, like I said, if there’s a country and this is like a licensed form of therapy, I mean, it’d be great for you guys to comment and maybe have a discussion with some of the the people in the comments because I just don’t know. I will get to it, because his questions are like, “Is this cheating or not?” Because he doesn’t want to tell his girlfriend.

From my experience, usually the girl is involved somehow. Either she knows about it or maybe she’s there watching, or like I said, I know from the show Billions, they go into it. His wife is a psychologist or a therapist, high performance coach that is really a psychologist that got into the realm of self-help, but she totally knows about it. I think she has talked to the dominatrix in the series, I can’t remember. That’s just not really my thing. It’s interesting that this guy, this is his fetish, this is his thing. So different strokes for different folks. It’s interesting and I’m sure there might be some interesting people commenting. Like I said, if you guys are therapists or whatever, maybe I got some dominatrixes that follow me or people that have gone to see him. Maybe you can share your experiences here, but I’m going to give my two cents on it because that’s what this guy has asked for.

Viewer Email:

Dear Coach Corey Wayne,

I’ve been with my girlfriend since December 2022. We have a good relationship, have a wonderful time and been on two holidays. We’ve also spoken about which towns and city to move to. I have been meaning to go see a dominatrix to have a session with her. I’m not going to have sex with her. I won’t even be touching her. The session will be me getting a hand job whilst being tied up and wearing a gimp mask. Also I want to engage in foot fetish and be tied up and tickled. This is a long term itch I want to scratch and the important thing is this is a one off thing.

I kind of find it hard to believe that you’re going to do this once and never again. Like I said, the most I know about is what I saw on TV. I know the the producers of that show really spent a lot of time doing research and putting thought into it. So it’s kind of interesting because like I said in that show, the guy’s wife is also a psychologist and she’s fully aware of it and she endorses it. Sometimes, if I remember right, she would come right out and say, “You need to go see so and so,” because that’s his thing. He likes to be tied up and kind of beat, or whipped, I should say. Whatever.

Once it’s done, I’ll go back to my normal life. 

So in other words, he wants a hall pass. That’s what he really wants. He wants another woman to get him off because this is the thing he’s always been into. My question is, why couldn’t you just dress up and do this shit with your girlfriend? If you really are close, you talk about everything, she loves you and wants to meet your needs, why wouldn’t you want to experiment with being tied up and have her do things to you like this? Or maybe she’s super conservative and it’ll freak her out, I don’t know. It just really depends on what you’re into. It’s also possible that you share this stuff with your girl that you want her to do to you, and she’s like, “I’m out. You’re a freak. Goodbye.” Maybe that’s one of his fears. I don’t know, like I said, this is the kind of thing that, I don’t know if this some licensed form of therapy. I have no idea, because he does mention that as we get a little further down.

My and my girlfriend live at separate addresses. So she doesn’t ask me everything I did. I don’t tell her what I had for breakfast, what time I took a dump, what time i woke up etc etc. I don’t share everything I did with my parents or best friend. So she won’t question this so there is a 0.00000001% chance of her finding out.

So in his mind, he’s like, “There’s no way I’m telling her I’m going to do this outside. I want to cheat on my girlfriend and I don’t think she’ll ever find out, so it’s worth the risk to me.” That’s his attitude.

What consequences will there be if I go ahead with this session? Please bear in mind this is once off, she isn’t going to know. 

Well, that’s assuming she’s not going to know. Again, why couldn’t you explore this kind of stuff with your girl? If you’ve ever been to a hustler place or a sex store or a toy store, they have all this kind of shit there. Doesn’t do anything for me, but if this is what floats your boat, maybe you should go with your girlfriend. You should have some a discussion about it, and then go with her into one of these shops and maybe buy some accessories for yourselves. I know they have contraptions and everything that’ll tie you up.

Like I said, Chuck, who’s Paul Giamatti’s character in Billions, if I remember right, the woman had a whole apparatus to tie him up and keep him restrained, and he couldn’t do anything, couldn’t resist her or whatever, and she could do whatever she wanted. That was his kink. That was his thing. In the show, it was a form of therapy. His wife, who was a psychologist, a therapist and a high performance coach, she usually was not involved in any way. Then again, there were times where they would do some kinky things with whips and other things and how they dressed up in the bedroom and their marital bedroom, but she’s fully involved. There’s full disclosure here. You’re like, “Hey, I’m going to basically go get off sexually with another woman and I’m never going to tell my girlfriend.”

Also, dominatrixes are professionals and is a form of therapy and healing.

Again, maybe in your country it is or your city, I have no idea. Nothing surprises me anymore. Any of you guys that, maybe we have dominatrixes or we have therapists, it’d be great if you guys could comment on this.

This is what they say on their website and podcasts.

It’s a form of therapy. Again, whether it’s licensed therapy, I have no idea.

So as I’ll be in a space where I’ll be connecting with myself and grow on a spiritual level. Again this is what doms say on their website, interviews and various articles. Is this considered cheating?

Well, somebody else is going to choke the chicken other than you or your girlfriend. The fact you’re going to hide it from her and never tell her, it sure looks like cheating to me. It sure looks like you want to get off sexually with another woman who’s not your girlfriend. How would your girlfriend find out if you do do this, that you had another woman get you off? If it was me, if my girlfriend’s like, “By the way, I went to a dominatrix and had sex with her or him,” or “He got me off.” That would be cheating to me. I don’t think so. It’s not OK for my girlfriend to go hang out naked or with anybody that’s going to do anything sexually or touch her sexually.

If it was my girlfriend doing this, I would be like, “You’re cheating. You’re having sexual relations.” I mean, think about Bill Clinton. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Monica Lewinsky.” We all found out they actually did, I guess it involved a cigar, a happy finish, a hand job and it ended up on her dress. Then the dress became evidence, because I guess she didn’t wash it or she gave it to her friend, Linda Tripp, was it? I don’t even remember. That was a whole other story. The Clintons, they’re weirdos. You can only imagine. The fact that he went to the island of the guy who didn’t kill himself, that we can’t mention his name, I don’t know, people are freaks. That’s one thing I do know.

To me, if it was my girlfriend doing this with another dude, that’s cheating definitely. I don’t care if it’s a sex party or whatever. If you’re getting off with another man or another woman, you’re having a sexual affair with somebody else. Especially if it’s being hidden, obviously the only reason you would hide it is because she’s not going to be down with it. So why don’t you slowly introduce this kind of stuff to your girl? Tell her that you like to be tied up. Maybe you can start in the bed, be tied to the headboard with some handcuffs or some fluffy or fuzzy handcuffs or whatever, and she can do things to you. Maybe she could tie your legs to the other bedpost, and you can be tied up from four of your appendages. Then you can tell her what you want done to you or whatever.

Again, if you’re going to go do this and have another woman get you, it’s like a rub and tug. It’s like, what’s his name? Bob Kraft? He got himself into trouble in Palm Beach, he went to an oriental massage, he wanted to get a little rub and tug. I mean, his wife had passed away, whatever. If you’re in a relationship and you go to an oriental massage and you get a rub and tug, is that cheating? I would say, yes, it is. Another woman is touching your dick and getting you off other than your wife or your girlfriend. That’s cheating. That’s the way I look at it.

There is a super slim chance she will find out and I’m only intending to done it once and once only.

I want to tick this off my list so I don’t regret this later on in life. Please answer this in a video coaching newsletter.

Thank you in advance for your help.

Bob

What do you guys think? Do you think if he’s going to go and do this because this is his kink, it’s going to be a once in a lifetime thing and never, ever again is he going to do it? I’d say he’ll probably continue to do it.

That’s why I say, these are the kinds of things you should involve your girlfriend. I don’t know, maybe she’s prude. She’d be really offended and she wouldn’t do this or get mad or she’d break, I don’t know. You’ve been with her two years. I don’t know. Like I said, it’s the kind of thing where you can introduce her tying you up and doing things to you and see how that fulfills you, but to go see another woman outside your relationship for this? That sure looks like cheating to me. I know if my girlfriend did that, I’d be thinking that’s cheating. So I would have to assume if your girlfriend found out that you did this, she would probably consider it cheating because you hit it.

In my opinion, the best way is to introduce some of these things into your sex life slowly. Don’t overwhelm her all at once with with all the things, but slowly, see how she does with tying you up and doing things to you. Then you can kind of take it from there. Hustler’s got a store, there’s other sex shops that you guys can go to and have some fun and pick out some toys and some vibrators and some other things together. There’s all kinds of things. You got Wi-Fi attachments, so you could be traveling and your girl can have you on FaceTime. You could be playing her like a video game from the other side of the world if you want to. So there’s all kinds of technology. There’s all kinds of cool things that you guys can do in the bedroom.

My opinion is, if you go and do this and you hide it from her, you’re cheating. Again, is this a form of therapy? I have no idea. Like I said, it’d be great if anybody watching this knows and you could comment. Maybe you guys could link some websites or something like that. Just be careful with some of the links, when you do put links, because automatically YouTube will then take the whole comment and put it into spam.

If you guys haven’t signed up already for our Members Only content in the video description of this video, if you’re watching it on YouTube or the other platforms, there are links to where you can sign up to join on YouTube. If you try to join on YouTube on a mobile device, last I heard, the “join” button is still not there yet. So you probably have to sign up and do it online with like a desktop or a laptop computer, but the link is there. Like I said, if you’re on a mobile device, if you go to the description, click it, see if it’ll open up, see if you’ll get the “join” button. If it does, great. Join on the YouTube app. If it doesn’t come up, you’re going to have to join on a desktop or a regular computer. I apologize for that, but that’s just the way YouTube is. They said they’re still rolling it out and they haven’t rolled it out completely.

You can also subscribe on Spotify. If you subscribe to our Members Only content on the website, if you go to UnderstandingRelationships.com and click the “plans” tab at the top of your screen on any page of the website and select the annual plan, you’ll get a 25% discount for paying the whole year upfront. You get six additional members only video newsletters, you get the 3% Man Study Group and the Mastering Yourself Study Group podcast. Plus, anytime we do viewer questions, you get those whole viewer podcasts and any special interviews or videos that we do that are members only, you’ll get access to those. In addition to the website, you also get the email analysis that goes along with these video newsletters. So again go to my website, click the “plans” tab and choose an annual plan and you get a 25% discount.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.