Is Being With One Woman Forever Realistic?

Some things to consider if you’re struggling with being with one women forever.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who ended things with his fiancé a year ago. Lately he’s been meeting and seducing a different woman every month. He’s always ended all his relationships. His family is giving him a hard time for not living the way they want him to.

He struggles with the idea of being with one woman forever. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a viewer who he ended things with his fiancé about a year ago. Then he dated a woman for about five months, he says, but lately he’s been kind of meeting and seducing a different woman every month. He says he’s always ended his relationships and his family is giving him a hard time for not living the way they want him to. Obviously, they don’t like him dating and not being settled, but he’s struggling with the idea of one woman forever.

So he brings up some good points. Me personally, the way I look at this is, what’s meant for you, won’t miss you. We’re spiritual beings having a human experience, and there are just certain people that you’re meant to meet and they’re going to come into your life at exactly the right time. You know, as far as oneness or oneitis, I believe we have multiple soulmates. I believe that, again, when one door closes, another one opens. There’s always another opportunity.

Thinking in the terms of there’s only one perfect person, when you look at statistically and overall, how many people meet that one person, like when they’re young, maybe middle school, high school, and they’re just always together till the day they die and they die within minutes of each other. Those are the exceptions to the rules, because the divorce rate, when you look at the stats, over 50%, it’s just the chances of it working out versus not working out are the odds are just not in the favor of that being the case.

So let’s go through his email and see what he’s got going on.

Viewer Email:

Hi Coach,

I want to give you an honest email as to how my mind  works with past relationships and serial dating the past year. 

I have been in three long-term relationships over a decade and the past year I ended things with my fiancé a year ago now. Within a year, I have dated and slept with a lot of women. I dated one women on and off for five months and we went back and forth in casually dating and hooking up.

Well, that’s what we call a booty call.

I finished with her five times and she kept coming back for the sex when I called, which gave her mixed signals and caused her a lot of headache and confusion.

Well, you shouldn’t lead a woman on and let her think you’re interested in a relationship when you’re just down to hook up. So that’s part of just communicating, being honest about it and understanding.

If a woman you’re dating is looking for a relationship and you’re just kind of casually hooking up and you have no desire for a relationship, then you got to be honest about that. Oftentimes, a lot of guys will bullshit a girl just to keep her around, and an honorable guy is just not going to do stuff like that.

I have always seemed to want something new and something different in each woman and a variety of sexual partners seemed nice at the time.

Different strokes for different folks, man. You got to sow your oats. You got to get enough experience and date enough women, have enough relationships so you can kind of see what’s out there, what’s available to you, because for most people, they get together with just one person and they often settle or they’re too afraid they’re not going to find anybody else or find anybody better. In reality, they’re living a life of quiet desperation.

So it’s like what I’ve seen in my coaching practice over the last 20 years, just seeing what I’ve seen in my own life with people I know, what I’ve noticed is guys, especially some of my high school buddies that dated a lot, slept with a lot of girls through high school and college, they had their fill, they saw what was out there, and when they met somebody that they really liked, that they really clicked with, who was nice to them, easy-going, easy to get along with, family-oriented, just like they were, they settled down and stayed with that person up until this present day. They made a commitment. They stick to it. They got to see what was on the other side. They had their fill of other women, and they’re very content with where they’re at.

I had another friend of mine that I used to work with, and he was like the last guy that I would ever expected was going to settle down. He pretty much cheated on a lot of his girlfriends. Especially the woman that he settled down with and got married to, he cheated on her, broke up with her and dumped her in nasty ways many times, and he would always come to me and ask me to help him get her back, which I did. Once he slipped one past the goalie and she got pregnant with their first kid, then some of the other women he was kind of dating and hooking up with, when they found out that his girlfriend was pregnant, they broke things off with him. They didn’t feel good about continuing to hook up with a guy whose girlfriend he lived with was pregnant. So as soon as his first child, his first born, was born, he never did it again. Now his attitude is like, “I would die for her.” Whereas in the past, before they had kids, he was screwing around and doing whatever he wanted. That’s what was surprising to me because again, I never thought he would do that.

I had another another guy I worked with in the mortgage industry. Not a good looking dude at all, I thought he was kind of an ugly guy, but every fucking weekend we saw this dude, he was with a different hot girl, just absolutely smoked every weekend. It was like a different girl. That guy probably went through hundreds of women. He was just a ladies man. He had the gift of gab. Like I said, he wasn’t a good looking dude and we were all kind of perplexed about it at the time. I now know, obviously, why he was so good with the ladies, but eventually he met a woman who was very high IQ, very smart, and she was just kind of average looking. I mean, I didn’t even think she was that attractive because he had dated some just incredibly beautiful women, and for him to marry somebody that was just kind of average looking, but she was really smart. They had a lot in common. They had similar goals, similar values. They had a big family. Last I heard, they’re living happily ever after.

I mean, you look at somebody famous like a Warren Beatty who was just a Playboy his whole life. Then when he met Annette Bening, he was just like, that was it for him. He was a perpetual bachelor, and he slept with and dated who he wanted when he was younger, and it wasn’t until I think he was in his late 40s or early 50s, I think, that he started dating Annette Bening, and they’ve been together ever since. They had a family together, he rode off into the sunset with her, and he was like the consummate Playboy.

So it’s like, when a man is ready to settle down and have a family, that’s what they’ll do, and until a man is settled and feels that he’s ready to do that and make that kind of a commitment, he shouldn’t be committing to long-term relationships he’s not really into. At the end of the day, I mean, if you’ve read my book, when you marry somebody that, deep down, you know is not right for you and you shouldn’t be doing it but you do it anyways because other people talk you into it, you’re never going to feel right about it. You got to learn to trust your heart, your curiosity, your intuition and what you feel internally because your feelings are your truth. It’s the way the soul speaks to us.

So if you’re one of those guys that’s kind of restless and doesn’t feel like you want to settle down, you shouldn’t, because if you settle down, you don’t feel like it, you’re going to end up one way or another, cheating or going back to doing what you really want to do. The reason to settle down and be with one woman is because you want to start a family with her, you want her as the mother of your kids, and you want to set a good example for your children. Like my buddy that just fucking slept with whoever he wanted. This particular girl that he ended up marrying, he wasn’t even that into her when he met her, but she adored him, she loved him, she chased after him, and no amount of disrespect or dicking her around drove her away. Even the very last time like, her family was over it. They didn’t like him. They didn’t want her to see him. So he flew up, did the things that I told him to do, and she forgave him, took him back, and they’ve been together ever since. Now they got two kids and are living happily ever after, and he wants to set a good example for his children.

So it was his kids and his commitment to being a good dad, or he was just like, “Yeah, I’m not going to do this anymore. I want to be a good example,” because again, he had his fill of other women, and despite all the shitty things that he did to his wife when they were dating back in the day, she always stayed loyal, she always loved him. So he feels he owes her a debt of gratitude and a lifetime of loyalty. That’s what he’s going to do, and they’re a really good team, they run their business together and she’s very smart, high IQ, comes from a good family. Her parents were together their whole lives. Her brother’s married and been with the same girl for many years. So she has those values.

So there’s a time and a season for everything. If you’re getting peer pressure from other people, “Whoa, look at the time. You’re getting old. You’re 25 now. You got to do something. You got to put a ring on that,” if it doesn’t feel right, you need to wait. You’ll know when it’s the right time. Until then, play ball!

I find myself getting bored easily and with ADHD, I feel I struggle to commit to one woman. I end up feeling tempted by other women and have wanted sex with different women and I felt variety is the spice of life but regretted it after. 

Again, if you’re with a woman that knocks your socks off, your supposed dream woman, you’re going to be content. You’re not going to always be looking around for a bigger, better deal. So until you feel that way, until you feel content with one particular woman, play ball, man. Have a good time. You learn from every single experience, and you don’t have to sleep with every single girl that you could. Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

I have been terribly conflicted in myself and didn’t find much long-term fulfillment or happiness in how I was living.

Yeah, because you’re having a lot of short-term relationships with people you feel nothing for. So it’s kind of like glorified masturbation when you’re just hooking up with one girl after another and you don’t feel anything for them. The title of the book is Attracting the Woman of Your Dreams, not how to settle for somebody that’s mediocre and that you’re not really into.

My mum, family and close friends were actually concerned and pulled me aside to tell me how out of sorts my life had gotten with serial dating and different women I had on the go at different times, of course. 

Well again, they’re trying to get you to live the way they think you should live. At the end of the day, you can’t live your life according to other people’s expectations. I did that once and that led to me getting married when, deep down, I knew I shouldn’t do it. I went along with it to please other people, and I made myself miserable in the process, and obviously broke my wife’s heart in the process too, because I was too much of a pussy to stand up and do what was right, because I was young, I was dumb and I didn’t know any better.

I would estimate it to be one woman a month overall.

I feel I had or have a sex addiction and am always looking for the next thrill to seek and to chase. Is this normal behavior, Coach?

Well, as far as diagnosing a sex addiction, there’s people out there. I don’t know what country you live in. You said mum, so I assume you’re probably from the UK, Australia or somewhere, maybe New Zealand. So I don’t know what kind of therapists, psychologists or psychotherapists you know, who’s qualified to help you with that. If that’s something that you think you may suffer from, then go seek professional help with somebody that’s an expert on those things. To me, I look with what you’re saying it’s like, you’ve mostly been in long-term relationships and you’ve ended them, but you’re going through a period of you’re just kind of sowing your oats. Nobody’s really blowing your skirt up yet. So you need to keep moving, keep circulating because circulation is the key to life.

So again, when you find the right girl, you’ll know. It’s just like when you meet a new best friend. Like, how often does that happen? It’s maybe once a decade you meet somebody you become good close friends with. It’s a very rare and special thing amongst human beings when you meet somebody that you feel like your souls are aligned and not just lovers, but friends, family, maybe people you go into business with, that kind of thing. So you got to see how you feel about it and what feels right, but if none of these girls that you were dating and hooking up with you felt a strong enough attraction to and interest in that you want to stick around, you did the right thing by moving on.

Can you dive into this psychology and why and how this behavior has always been a trend for me in the past?

Well again, the way I look at it, and since I’ve been doing this for 20 years, is you just haven’t met anybody that you’re really that into, and it would be a mistake to settle with somebody because mentally you talk yourself into it because again, I did that. That doesn’t work. If it’s the right person and you’re ready to settle and ready to have a family, then you won’t want to date anybody else. You’ll love being with her so much and you’ll have so much fun with her, you won’t care to be with anybody else.

Again it’s like, if you compare your best friend, your closest friend with people that are acquaintances, you like hanging out with the acquaintances, but the connection and the bond that you have with your really close best friends is completely different, it’s special, and it usually stands the test of time. So just because you’re meeting a lot of people at different bus stops that you’re stopping at doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s something wrong with you. I mean, it doesn’t serve you or the women that you’re dating to stick around and be realistic or stay with somebody because your family talked you into it. If your heart is not into it, then you move on. You wish her well, she wishes you well, and send the ladies away with a good impression, saying, “You know what? It didn’t work out for us, but he was a really great guy and he treated me awesome.”

Being able to stick to one woman forever has been a challenge for me and I have ended each one of my relationships which have caused a lot of hurt and heartbreak 

Thanks for your time and your read!

Best,

Bob

Well, it’s a challenge for most humans. It doesn’t work that way for most humans. Statistically, most people are not in that boat, meaning one person and spending your whole entire life and dying minutes apart? That’s an anomaly. That’s the exception to the rule. When you come across those people, you should sit down, pick their brain, ask them a lot of questions, and you’ll see that the reason they stay with that person is because the connection is so easy, so effortless, so fulfilling, and so enriching that they don’t have the desire for anybody else. That’s why when you meet the right person, you’ll know. Even Steve Jobs said that when you meet the right woman, you will know instantly. If you’re at a place where you’re ready to settle down, ready to have a family, it’ll happen. You’ll know there won’t be any doubt. Until you feel that way, play ball.

So that’s what I would do if I were you, my man. Again, from what you shared, it just looks like you’re going through a few months where you’re going through a lot of women. I just see that as you’re dating a lot, you’re prospecting a lot, you’re getting a lot of opportunities and you’re exploring them all. So far, not a single one has really stood out to you that made you feel like you wanted to stick around forever, so that’s OK.

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