Is It Cheating If She Slept With Someone Else While We Were Working It Out?

What it means if your girl slept with another guy while you were trying to work on your relationship.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 40-year-old viewer with a fiancé who is 32. They broke up after she told him she was still in love with her ex, and he stopped planning the wedding. She emotionally checked out and left him.

Then she came back wanting to work on things, and just as he was about to ask her to move back in, she admits she had also been sleeping with another guy. He feels he’s too old to start over and is considering taking her back, but he doesn’t trust her or feel good about it. He feels betrayed. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Remember, the number one most important thing to guys in a relationship is loyalty. You’re engaged, you’re thinking, “I’m going to spend the rest of my life with this woman,” and she’s going, “I think I’m still in love with some other guy. Is that fine?” And the guy is planning a wedding. He says it really messed with them. Obviously, he stopped planning the wedding, checked out a little bit, and then she ends up breaking it off with him.

He wants to work it out, she dips, and then at some point she comes back, wants to work on things and things are going well. He’s like, “This is great. I think I might ask her to move back in.” Then he says he stupidly asked her if she had slept with anybody else, which of course, she had. She was very remorseful and sorry about it. Now he doesn’t feel good about it, but he’s like, “Hey, I’m 40. Too late for me. I really don’t want to find anybody else.”

There’s a bunch of things going on in here we’ll go through. Can you imagine? You’re thinking you’re going to spend the rest of your life with this girl. Then she says, “I think I’m in love with somebody. I think I’m in love with my ex-boyfriend still.” Remember, women only care about how they feel about you. So, she still had strong feelings for somebody else, even though she’d accepted his marriage proposal.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach,

Hope you’re well. I’m a 40-year-old man in a situation with my ex-fiance who is 32 and previously married. We were together for two years and eight months, engaged those final eight months. The relationship overall was amazing.

I don’t know about that, dude.

As things progressed, we had some ups and downs but communicated well and worked through things. We were very happy and very in love.

Or, so he believes. If you really want to know if your girl’s in love with you, you’ve got to understand the chapter, “It’s All In The Numbers.” There are certain things a woman in love will say and do, and when she’s not in love, she just simply won’t say or do those things. Not because she’s prompted or anything, it’s just they naturally do them. That’s what’s beautiful, very predictable. The other thing is, if she’s so in love with you, she’s not going to go, “I think I’m still in love with the ex-guy I dated.”

Fast forward to a couple months after she and I got engaged and things began to change. One night, she tells me that she is struggling with still having feelings of love for her ex. Not her ex-husband, but the guy she had an affair with while previously married.

So, she cheated on the last husband. Remember, the whole issue here that you’re trying to determine, not getting all caught up in the “Hypergamy doesn’t care” religion that the guys in the red pill community think is the be all, end all, and the great discovery that Rollo Tomassi made for them. At the end of the day, Men and women both want to feel like we’ve got somebody that is hotter than we deserve. For those of you that are familiar with my book, that’s your life. People are always looking at you and looking at your girl going, “How did you get her, dude? Like, are you serious? Why is she with you?” But, I digress.

Anyway, guys that understand my book and apply it, that’s their reality. That’s why I said the hypergamy thing doesn’t really matter, because everybody does it. Men and women both do it and they just turn it into a whole ridiculous religion. The guys use it as an excuse for all bad behavior. “Well, it’s got to be the woman’s fault. It’s not mine. It’s hypergamy. It’s not my fault for being unattractive or doing unattractive beta male things.” The point being is that if you’re going to get into a long term relationship, does the woman have character? Character is destiny, and as Gerald Celente of the Trends Research Institute says, “Current events form future trends.”

So, we do know that she was married once and she cheated on her ex-husband. I don’t know if that’s what led to the breakup of the marriage or not, maybe it was just a contributing factor. The bottom line is, she was disloyal. She does not care if she made a commitment in front of the church, in front of the Lord or anything. It’s just, she made a commitment and she broke it. It doesn’t mean anything to her.

That’s kind of a big deal. That’s a character flaw, and that’s what we’re really looking for here, not hypergamy, making an excuse for men acting unattractive. Because you can act unattractive, but if you’re with a chick that belongs to the streets, she’s going to cheat on you anyway. Even if you are the best dude in the world, she still might cheat on you, just because she doesn’t value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity or commitment.

As we go further through this email, some of the things I mentioned in the beginning of the video, that’s what we’re trying to determine. Can we trust this woman? She cheated on her first husband. I’d have to say, right then and there, probably not. It’s not looking good. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her.

She was having reservations about marrying me.

Remember, this is the guy who’s going, “Oh, we were very in love.” It was like, no, you weren’t. You weren’t very in love. She’s still in love with the guy she cheated on her husband with. That’s the bottom line. The number one most important thing is loyalty to men, and this hoe ain’t loyal. It’s pretty simple. You could say, “Oh, it’s hypergamy.” No, she’s disloyal.

It was a punch to the gut, but after a long conversation, she assured me that she loved me…

Because those guys are logically oriented and we’ll go, “OK, that sounds reasonable.”

…and wanted to be with me. Things went back to normal after that, like it never happened.

Are you sure about that? I am here, reading your email.

But from then on, I internally carried the fear of her not wanting me.

Well, obviously that’s a lack of confidence, and the number one most important thing to women is confidence. If, deep down, you fear she doesn’t want you, at the end of the day, you were more into her than she was into you. It sounds like she was kind of going along with it. A lot of people get married and they’re not even in love.

I had a story that I wrote about. I was on a cruise and I was talking to this woman, very attractive, younger than this doctor who was kind of a nerd, but he’s very successful, very wealthy. He pursued her for a long time, and she was with this guy for several years. I can’t remember how many it was, because it’s been so long. They were together several years before she finally fell in love with him. But the dude, he’s talking to me, he’s kind of a beta male geek. Eventually they ended up getting divorced, I found out years later. I remember, it was about 10 years ago, I think, and I saw her on a dating app. I was like, “Ha, imagine that. Isn’t that interesting?”

It affected my behavior, and I stopped wedding planning.

Because your Spidey sense is going, “Uh, Uh, Uhhh.”

She became impatient, and I felt her growing more distant. By the time I finally had the hard conversation with her about my concerns, she had already emotionally checked out. I told her she was making a mistake and wanted to work on things but no luck.

So she left. She became impatient. The reason she left is because she wasn’t in love with you, dude. I don’t think she ever was in love with you. If I look at her, if I bottom line her actions, she’s engaged to you to become your wife and be married forever and ever, supposedly, yet she’s like, “I think I still have feelings for the guy I was shagging outside my marriage because I’m a disloyal hoe.”

I was devastated. On her way out the door she said, “Maybe I just need some time to figure myself out.”

It’s amazing. It just seems like women all have the same little book, the same phrases. It doesn’t matter where they are in the world, I see the same things, in different languages. They say literally the same exact things. That is absolutely amazing to me. As long as I’ve been doing this, over 20 years, that’s a long time.

With time, I began to accept things, but she soon came back saying that she thinks she made a mistake…

Duh.

…that she missed and loved me…

I’m sure she does.

…and wondered if I would be open to trying to work things out.

So, keep in mind, now she’s coming back like, “Please, please, please, give me another chance. You’re the best man ever.” If you’re thinking about it, she’s trying to win him back and get another chance with this guy and prove to him that she really is ready to be Mrs. Right. Because, more than likely, she went off and probably tried to diddle the guy that she was cheating on her husband with, and it didn’t work out. So, she’s like, “Well, you win some, you lose some. I’ll just go back to my former ex-fiance, who’s a sucker and who will believe anything I tell him.”

I said I was open to it but that I was unsure, since she left me once already.

Your Spidey sense talking to you, bro.

From then on, we were occasionally sleeping together, hanging out, and slowly moving forward, though I was guarded.

Remember, she’s supposed to be trying to win you back over to get another chance. You would think a woman in that situation, if she really screwed up and is really remorseful, she’s not going to do anything else. She’s going to devote herself to this guy and prove that she’s really all in.

Things have been going well enough that I decided to give her another shot and was ready to ask her to move back in.

Ready to ask her to move back in. And then…

I stupidly asked if she had been sleeping with anyone else.

That’s not a dumb question at all, dude. The number one most important thing to us guys is loyalty, and you want to know, is this chick capable of loyalty? Remember, she’s supposed to be on her best behavior, because she doesn’t do anything to screw it up, because she supposedly lost the love of her life, and was dumb, and is coming back to make it right. And then you’re like, “Were you sleeping with anybody else when you’ve been trying to win me back over? You’re supposed to be on our best behavior, right?”

She said she yes, though recently ended it because he wanted more.

Does that sound like a woman who’s really thinking, “I really screwed up with the most perfect guy? I’ll do anything to get him back.” Or, does this sound like a woman who’s just keeping her options open and is just rolling with the emotions of whatever she feels? This hoe ain’t loyal.

This means during the time that we were actively trying to work things out, she was sleeping with someone else while she was sleeping with me.

Remember, she cheated on her first husband. Loyalty and commitment doesn’t mean anything to her. She’s selfish, she’s narcissistic, and she’s not capable of loyalty. This is what we’re trying to determine, if we’re going to get married, and it just completely sails over the heads of the betas. Most of the betas I should say, because there are some good dudes in the red pill community, but most of them are just it’s like the blind leading the blind. They would just say, “Oh, it’s hypergamy. This is why.” No, this chick doesn’t have any character.

Character is destiny. “Current events form future trends,” as Gerald Celente of the Trends Research Institute says, and it’s so true. She was disloyal to her husband. She was disloyal to you. She was disloyal when she supposedly was trying to get you back and win you over. If you marry her, she’ll be disloyal. Then you’ll be wondering, “Are these kids even mine?”

She was tearful and remorseful.

Oh, I bet.

Technically, I suppose it wasn’t cheating…

Well, you could say you weren’t committed, but if she’s supposed to be on her best behavior, doesn’t want to screw it up because she lost the man who was the perfect love of her life, she’s not going to be diddling some other dude while she’s trying to convince you to give her another shot.

…but only technically in my eyes. We were actively trying to work things out, and I feel hurt, betrayed, and at the least, disrespected. Am I wrong?

Absolutely not! This hoe ain’t loyal to anybody. She ain’t gonna be loyal to you or anybody, dude. She wasn’t loyal to her first husband. She wasn’t loyal when you were engaged the first time, because she was still in love with somebody else, obviously the guy she cheated with, and he probably doesn’t want her. Why? Because she ain’t loyal. It has nothing to do with hypergamy, but has everything to do with the fact that the girl has no integrity. Simple as that. It’s an easy thing. Hypergamy is not some earth shattering thing. “Women want to date up. Oh, let me write a whole religion around it in 15 fucking books.”

I can’t get the images of her having sex with someone else out of my head, and it’s eating me alive.

You can’t marry this girl, dude. Come on, seriously, have some self respect.

I feel too old to start over…

Dude, that’s nonsense. A man is only as old as the women he feels. You should be dating women close to half your age. That your birthright, That’s just a natural way of things.

…And what we once had feels irreplaceable.

It was all an illusion. It was all in your mind anyway. It didn’t mean the same thing to her that it meant to you. You’ve been projecting your fantasy onto her, and you’ve been ignoring the fact that she’s a ratchet. She’s trailer park trash. This hoe ain’t loyal to anybody.

I love her, but do I trust a woman who has behaved like this and try again, or cut my losses and roll the dice on finding someone else?

Bob

The bottom line is, this girl ain’t ever going to be loyal to you, and she has shown it consistently. She wasn’t loyal to the first guy, she’s hasn’t been loyal to you, Even when she’s supposedly trying to convince you to give her another chance, she still ain’t being loyal. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it talks like a duck. She’s a disloyal hoe. Has that to do with hypergamy. She just has zero character, zero integrity, and your gut has been trying to warn you.

I know being single at this point, you’re like, “Oh my God, it might take me four or five years to find somebody else,” but you don’t get involved with a woman who cheated on her first husband. You just don’t. “She made a mistake.” No, she’s disloyal. Character is destiny. You should have never gotten past a few dates. As soon as you found out she cheated on her first husband and you’re looking for a wife to be loyal, you cross her right off the list. She can be a friends with benefits or a sex playmate, but you don’t get into a relationship.

She’s not girlfriend material, she’s not wife material. You don’t do it. She ain’t loyal to anybody. It’s not your fault. That’s just the way she is. Your problem is that you’re not admitting reality. I think it was Ayn Rand who said, “You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality,” and that’s what you’ve been doing this whole three years. You’ve been involved with this girl, and you’ve been ignoring reality.

As soon as you heard that she cheated on her first husband, you should have been like, “Check, please. We could be friends with benefits, but I’m not interested in a relationship with you,” and then kept your options open. Getting in a relationship with her, thinking you’re going to fix her, it’s just not going to happen. I’m sorry to tell you bad news, but that’s why you wrote in, and that’s why I’m here.

So, if you’re in a similar situation like this and you want to get my help and turn things around, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.