Is It Possible To Fix Family Drama Issues If They’re Stubborn?

How to know if you can resolve family drama or if you should just keep your distance.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has 6 siblings and they come from a broken home. His 2 sisters are always feuding and causing problems. He listens to them so they feel heard and understood, things get better for a brief time and then they start feuding again. He asks if it’s possible that he can fix their relationship for the benefit of the whole family or if it’s pointless to try unless they’re open to it. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Is It Possible To Fix Family Drama Issues If They’re Stubborn?”

Well, I think a lot of people could probably relate to this particular topic. So guys, become a good student of 3% Man. He’s doing well. He’s about to be a dad. I guess they’re going to have a daughter together. He’s got six siblings. They come from a broken home. I guess the dad’s not really involved with the family at all. And but he’s got two sisters that kind of are always feuding and causing problems. So since he’s done well with my work and it’s helped him in his relationships, he’s thinking, you know, maybe I can use this to fix the drama in my family.

And case in point is with the two sisters that are always feuding, because he loves his sisters and he really wants them to be a part of his future daughter’s life. But he’s like, man, if they don’t knock this shit off, it’s like, I’m not even gonna. They’re not even going to know my daughter, because I’m not going to want them to be around her because I don’t want their negative influence. So one things I learned early on in coaching is that, you know, as the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

In other words, never care more about somebody else’s success than they do. Never care more about somebody else’s life and well-being than they do. As much as you love your sisters and your family, and you want to help them because it’s like just guys that have gotten the book and then tried to give a copy to their good friend that they know needs it. You give ten copies away, you’re lucky if one reads it. And most people won’t just they just won’t. They won’t do anything to help themselves. The average person tends to major and minor things in life.

They’re settling across the board and everything. And so the only way you can really help somebody is if they’re open to it. Are they coachable? Are they faithful? Available and teachable? Fat is an acronym. Faithful, available and teachable. And so, in order to be able to help his sisters, they’d have to be open to reconciliation. They’d have to want to make their relationship better. But, you know, as people get to be adults, it becomes a pattern. And so it’s like the same thing happens over and over and over again. They work things out. He listens to them.

And then a few days later, or sometimes hours later, they’re bitching about something else about each other. So before we even get into it, I’d say the odds are not good unless they’re willing and they want. It’s just like if you’ve had a breakup and you want to get back together, it takes both of you wanting to make the effort. Because if the other person doesn’t make the effort or have desire to get back together, it’s not going to happen. It takes two to tango. And it takes two people that want to fix a broken relationship to fix it. It takes mutual effort, some uncomfortable conversations, some brutal honesty and radical humility.

Viewer Email:

Coach,

Bob here. Thank you for all you do. I’ll cut to the chase. I have 6 siblings. Parents divorced & dad lives across the country & Has been out of the picture for a while. Two of my sisters are so nasty to each other and the family. Neither of them are without their own faults (if I could compare their behaviors to a character, one is like Marie from Breaking Bad, the other is like the female version of Timothee Chamalet’s character Nicholas Sheff  from “Beautiful Boy”).

Well, I am not familiar with each one of those characters. I think I watched one season of Breaking Bad and I was like, ah, I didn’t really get into it.

Basically, one is on their high horse pedestal and is very very mean to family but she personally has low integrity low quality behaviors etc.

Well, character is destiny and if you got a sister that’s got low quality behaviors, has no integrity, you’re not going to fix that. That’s on your dad and your mom. They fucked your sister up.

And the other sister has horrible alcoholic, drug & behavioral problems and is usually in denial about it.

Well, anybody that’s known to anybody with a drug or alcohol problem, unless they recognize they have a problem, you can’t reach them. You can’t help them. That’s just the bottom line. I mean, all you got to do is look at all the homeless people in the streets of California. The people, the liberals think, oh, they’re under house. We just get a if we just get them a house and a job, they’ll be great. But if you actually go talk to the people, they’re like, no, they just want to do drugs and live on the street. They don’t care. They’re happy to do that. You know, buying a house or building a house for them. It’s.

They don’t they’re not interested in it. That’s, you know, part of the problem with the left is they’re so delusional. They’re delusional about helping people that don’t want their help. They’re delusional about victim groups. That’s why the Islamists always work with the left. I mean, when you study the history of Iran, which we just bombed over the weekend, by the way, I wrote about this in Mastering Yourself. The ayatollahs worked with the socialists and the Marxists and the communists to gain power. And because the Marxists, the socialists, the leftists all viewed the ayatollah as is misunderstood, austere religious scholars.

They’re victims, and that they needed to be helped by their Marxism. And so they’re the useful idiots, because they didn’t really bother looking into the ideology. They weren’t religious, and they didn’t understand that these guys are Islamic supremacists of the Shia branch. And so once they got power, the communists are thinking, hey, we’re all going to rule Iran together, right? And the ayatollahs were like, uh, no, you’re an infidel. And they killed 30,000 of them in Iran. And why did they kill them? Because if you ever saw the Uribe’s video, the useful idiots, the true believers in communism, Marxism, socialism, collectivism, they think that they’re going to share in the committees and rule together.

But what ends up happening is once they realize they’re just ending up with a mafia elite, or in this case, in Iran, they end up with a religious mafia elite. They just they’re a bunch of criminals that want power and pussy, basically. Then they become the most violent, dangerous enemies of the regime. And that’s why the Ayatollah has killed 30,000 of them. Because the ones that helped them gain power when they realize the ayatollahs weren’t interested in sharing power, they were interested in a caliphate, and they were interested in murdering the infidel.

Well, they turned on him. And so the Ayatollah has killed them all. That’s kind of delusional. So again, you got somebody, you got drug, alcohol, behavioral problems. If they’re in denial about it, you’re not going to reach them. You’re just not. You can try and you should always be there with open arms when they’re ready. But until they admit they got a problem, you can’t help them. It’s just like with motivation. You can’t motivate somebody. You’re either self-motivated or you’re not. It’s not something you can teach. You either have it or you don’t. You either are self-motivated and a self-starter or you’re not.

Yet both come up with any reason under the sun to blame the other for their own shortcomings.

Well, as the saying goes, no one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. So both sisters are constantly pointing the finger at the other person and ignoring the log in their own eyes.

This isn’t a sibling fight where they make up and be friends and fight, I mean they have barely spoken for almost 8 years.

It’s probably going to continue that way. Maybe they grow up, maybe they don’t.

The rest of us are all about family, family bonding, raising nieces and nephews with quality role models but my two sisters are so immature, petty, and just nasty. They truly feel like a cancer to the family at times.

Well, it’s not your job to fix them or save them. You can try, but until they become open to it, you’re not going to be able to help them.

My wife and I live across the country from my birth family so we’re not directly involved with the day-to-day but my wife & I are expecting a daughter and It would be awesome if both my sisters could be healthy role models for my daughter but the reality is, I don’t see their behaviors changing and thus my daughter most likely won’t even be around them at all.

Well, that’s probably for the best.

I don’t want my daughter absorbing any of those behaviors.

Well, whatever you observe, you participate in. So unless your sisters clean up their act, they’re not going to be involved in your daughter’s life. You might even have to tell them that.

A lot of your videos are about dating relationships, but I was looking to see if you have any guidance on how I can approach this situation as a leader for my family, my soon to be daughter, and my sisters. I’ve listened to my sisters, let them rant on one-on-one phone conversations with me many times, I’ve heard the “ugh I feel better now” line but yet the anger and hatred in their veins for one another comes back over the slightest things.

Dude, you’ve tried. You’re trying to fix somebody or two people that don’t want to be fixed. It’s their pattern. It’s what they’ve learned. It’s learned helplessness.

I know behind both their faults is fear, insecurity, and extreme sensitivity. I’m tired of it and I’m tired of them ranting to me why the other sister is wrong and hearing an earful of why I’m not supposed to speak to a sister cause they’re so bad cause of x, y and z. It’s annoying getting calls and texts of how to figure out how to plan family get togethers in order to appease both of them so they’re dealing with one another face to face.

Your videos on BPD about your mom.

Well, my mom was a psychotic schizophrenic. She wasn’t BPD.

Were very relatable to this situation so I appreciate that. From your perspective, what are your recommendation’s when you have women in the family who are unstable, hardheaded, and fracturing family relationships?

Thanks,

Bob

Well, you must participate in your own rescue. And right now your sisters are uninterested. Neither one of them thinks they have a problem. They think the other one is the problem. So you can be brutally honest with them both. You can also tell them that until they clean up their acts, you’re going to limit their participation in your family and the rest of the family just because they’re always bringing negative vibes and they’re too immature and they’re unwilling to work things out. And so until I see a change, I would not have them around your daughter.

And I don’t see them changing because based on what you shared here, neither one of them is interested in that. So you’re going to have to set and enforce healthy boundaries. And then, as we say in jujitsu, you have to manage the distance, Padawan. Manage the distance between the bad people. So keep them at arm’s length because until they’re ready, willing, able, and open to changing and recognizing they have a problem, especially the one with the substance abuse issues, you can’t help them. They don’t want help. They’re unreachable. And that’s just the way it is.

So you got to think about yourself, your wife, your girl, and your daughter to be. That’s what’s most important. And your other family members. And just limit your time around the negativity. Because again, whatever you observe, you participate in. It’s nice and it’s honorable that you’re trying to help your sisters and you should never stop, but you should also meet them where they are. And if their behavior they’re unwilling to clean it up, then you’re just going to have to limit their time and interactions with your family.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.