Is It Wise Or Delusional For Men To Love Women Unconditionally?

How to know if it is wise or delusional to love women unconditionally.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 47-year-old viewer who has been married for 23 years who says he read 3% Man a long time ago after breaking up with his wife. He got her back by applying what my book teaches. However, recently he realized that he had slid back into complacency and some potentially disastrous behavior. He stopped dating and courting her properly again and says the relationship principles in the back of the book reminded him that to love unconditionally is all about giving and this kept him centered and from arguing with his wife so he could open her back up.

I discuss loving unconditionally and giving unconditionally, but it doesn’t mean you tolerate disrespect, disloyalty or a woman purposefully disturbing your peace in order to troll and test you. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

I would say there’s some caveats to that as the late, great Ronald Reagan used to say, “Trust, but verify.” Love unconditionally, but verify that your girl is actually being loyal.

You should always be this way with everybody, not just your woman. If you have business partners, you know, because oftentimes you’ll have business partners and some of the guys are really good with numbers and money, and other guys are just terrible with that stuff. If you’re one of those guys that’s not good with numbers and money and you let your other partners handle things, you should always look at the bank statements. You should always be looking at your profit and loss, your balance sheet, your income statement. You should be looking through the transactions that are in there. When you don’t, that’s when you really can get screwed out of your money.

If you’re in a relationship with somebody, same thing. You should be always looking and seeing what’s going on with your bank accounts, what’s going on with your retirement accounts, what’s going on with your expenses? Where is the money going? How is it being spent? That is just smart behavior, because if you don’t, if you’re in business, maybe it’s not one of your business partners, but you find out one of your employees is stealing from you. So it’s super important that you trust, but you verify even with the people that are closest to you, even with your business partners, even with your girlfriend or your wife, especially first few years, you guys are together. It’s like you want to know, can you trust her? Is she good with money? It’s like you give them access to your bank account. It’s like they’ll spend every dime that’s in there. So you got to think in terms of that. What’s your downside risk? Always know what your downside risk is.

Viewer’s Email:

Corey,

Just wanted to reach out and say thanks. It’s been a long while since the last time I read your book. I’ve been married for 23 years (I’m 47 years old). After a breakup with my wife, I found you, read your book, and applied the no contact rule and everything worked out great. Thank you.

So whatever happened, he was with his wife for 23 years. Sound like she didn’t want to be married anymore. He started implementing what was in the book. He went no contact. Probably started dating and meeting new women, and his wife learned really quick that he was going to sit around with his thumb up his ass. He was going to move on.

I thought I was a a 3% man. Probably was for a long time, but funny how all of the sudden complacency creeps in.

Yeah, it doesn’t happen in a couple of days or a couple of weeks, or even a couple of months, especially when you’ve been together 23 years. He turned things around. Maybe it was six months. Maybe it was a year or two before he slid back into his old patterns.

It’s like the analogy with the frog and the pot of boiling water. If you drop a frog into a pot of warm water, then slowly turn up the heat, he’ll just stay in there and boil to death, but if you have a pot of boiling water and you drop a frog in it, he’s going to jump right out. It’s like, all of us are kind of like sitting in the warm pot and was like, “Oh, this is pretty comfortable. It’s a nice jacuzzi,” and you’re like, “Oh, it’s getting a little warm in here, but it’s all right. Yeah, I can do this. Woo! It’s getting pretty hot. Maybe should get out in a minute or two,” and then you’re just like, “Oh wow.” Then poof! You get boiled frog soup then, and that’s not good.

Fortunately, I caught it quickly. I reread the book again and definitely feel like it was a lifesaver! I was able to sidestep some disastrous behavior. I definitely need to be more conscientious about constant courtship and monitoring my wife’s attraction level.

Well, the courtship never ends in a relationship, and that includes a marriage. What you do to get her is what you do to keep her. Unfortunately, most men in long term relationships stop dating and courting women.

That’s one of the biggest complaint women have about men is that, “Hey, the guy was romantic at first. Then once we got married, we moved in or we got serious. He just stopped all the romantic stuff. He never took me out on dates. I would complain. He would tell me he didn’t want to spend the money. We got this. We got that. He’d make excuses.” Then she starts talking to the guy at work or the next door neighbor, and he actually listens to her, actually makes her feel heard and understood like you used to. Then she starts moving away from him or moving away from you and moving towards some other guy.

If you trust, you love unconditionally, but you verify because again in 3% Man, there’s an attraction level table in here. It’s the chapter, It’s All In The Numbers, where I break down what women do based on their attraction and their interest, and you should always be aware of that. You should pay attention to that and understand that all of us get complacent, including yours truly, the longer you’re in a relationship.

If you accept the premise that you’re going to get complacent at some point, you’re probably going to slack off. You’re probably not going to date and court her as much. You’re probably not going to take the extra time that you used to to make her feel heard and understood. So what’s going to happen is their attraction is going to drop. The key is what happens. What does she do? How does she change in her behavior towards you when her attraction for you and the respect drops?

Now, if you’ve made a good choice and you married a woman who was loyal and has integrity, she’s going to let you know that things aren’t going well. If you were Captain Save-A-Hoe or you married a girl that displayed a lot of disloyal behavior when she was unhappy, then when she’s unhappy now, she’ll typically invite attention from other men to make up for it. That’s not good, because the number one most important thing to us guys in a relationship is loyalty. This is part of the vetting process. Here this guy’s been with this one for 23 years. So he’s made his choice. He’s in it to win it. He’s multiple decades. So it’s easy for some incel, whose never even gotten his dick wet before, to go, “Oh just dump her dude.” It’s like, shut up.

So in this guy’s case, we’re assuming, because he doesn’t say anything about other men sliding into her DM’s or anything like that. Obviously she’s not happy. In this case, he noticed that her attraction has dropped, and that’s good. So that tells me that his awareness has been heightened, and it didn’t get as bad as it did the first time, to where she was just ready to tap out and break up in the marriage. Which when that happened, he read my book. He applied what was in there, started being attractive to his wife again. Then she quickly became attracted. They got back together and they lived happily ever after until he got lazy and complacent again.

Being in a long term relationship I can’t stress enough to others about a comment you made at the ending of the book. To love someone unconditionally is all about giving not receiving.

Well, love is allowing. Love is allowing the other person to love you. If you don’t think you’re worthy or you don’t think you’re valuable, then you’re going to presuppose that the other person doesn’t love you. What will happen is you will not allow them to love you, no matter how much they tell you they love you or they do things for you. You’re always going to be suspicious because you’re presupposing and coming from the place of, “Oh, she’s going to break my heart. She’s going to hurt me. She’s not going to love me.” So you won’t believe the things she says. You won’t believe the things she does. You even sometimes will be accusatory, that there’s something inappropriate going on when there’s not, just because you presuppose bad things, because deep down you don’t feel you deserve to be there. You don’t feel you’re deserve deserving and worthy of her love.

What is love? It’s allowing. It’s allowing the other person to love us instead of chasing them out of our lives because we don’t believe they will love us willingly. You’re creating this space to where she can come to you at her pace, pursue you, do most of the chasing, calling, texting, pursuing affection, all those things. If you love her and you love yourself and you allow her to love you, that’s the conditions where she’s going to do most of the pursuing. If you don’t think you’re worthy of love, you’re always going to be over-pursuing and not allowing her to love you. You’re going to smother her. Then you get the “Oh, there’s no chemistry. There’s no spark. I need space.” You hear those kinds of things.

The other thing about love is, love is an act. You go to a relationship to give. You’re in relationships with your closest friends because you’re there to give, because you genuinely love and care for them and vice versa. They reciprocate as well. When you have a healthy relationship, you give unconditionally. It’s a gift from your heart and you don’t expect anything back, but because you made a good choice. In other words, this is part of the verification process. You look at their actions and even though you give unconditionally, you also want to notice, is she reciprocating to me unconditionally as well? In other words, is she giving? Does she reciprocate? Or is she a one way J, where you’re loving and you’re giving to her, but it’s not coming back, because there are also some women that are not givers.

There are also people in business. The interesting thing I learned in real estate and about referrals is that there were lots of people, “Oh, I’m going to refer you. My boss, my aunt, my uncle. I got so many people I know I can send you so much business.” Then after you have your closing, it’s like they never refer anybody to you. Then you’ll have somebody that was nice, they were respectful, you had a good transaction, and it’s like every other week you got some, “Oh, Bob told me to call you.” It’s like they send you tons of people.

So what you start to realize is that there are some people that are givers, and there are some people that are takers. You give to a giver, the giver gives back. In other words, you give more time and attention to your clients who already are referring you other people, and you do nice things for them and you stay in touch, you have a friendship with them, they’re going to give even more, but you can have somebody else that is a taker. The more you give, they do nothing but suck. In other words, they just take all the time. They never give anything back. That’s another thing that you should pay attention to in the vetting process. Is she giving back? Am I in a relationship with somebody that is also a giver? It’s delusional to just love unconditionally and just assume that she’s going to love you back.

I saw that there’s a guy, I can’t remember his name. He does a pretty good job. They do like, interviews on the street. I remember there was one I just saw a couple of weeks ago, there was this older couple. It’s like young guys, and he’s like, “Hey, how long you guys been together?” The guy is like, “Oh, we’ve been together 47 years.” They look like they’re in their 70s. The guy’s got like a big gizzard hanging off his neck or whatever. So he’s like, “Oh, we’re doing an experiment. How do you guys trust each other?” They’re like, “Well, of course.” He’s like, “Well, why don’t you guys open your cell phones and then exchange them and then look through each other’s messages?” They do that and they give each other their phones.

So the guy starts looking through his wife’s phone and there’s like this dude in there, I think his name is Larry or something like that. Then the guy, the interviewer, is like, “Who’s Larry?” Then you could tell the wife is like, “I think it’s somebody from work.” You can tell she’s stalling a little bit. She’s a little shocked. Wasn’t expecting this to happen. The look in the husband’s face, and he’s looking through the the DM’s or the messages between this Larry guy and obviously he sees something in there he doesn’t like, doesn’t make her look good. It was like a 47-year marriage, and that guy, he loved unconditionally and he trusted unconditionally, and that’s just kind of stupid. Extreme example of that in business.

You ever heard of the artist Billy Joel? Guy was very famous. He was like in the 70s and the 80s, early 80s, his songs are always on the radio. If you know Piano Man, he’s the Piano Man guy, “Play us a song. You’re the piano man.” Made tons, hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars, hundreds of millions of songs and albums sold. One of the biggest acts in the world. I remember I saw this. It was like VH1’s Behind The Music that did a documentary. So his business manager was his brother-in-law from like his first marriage. He trusted this guy unconditionally. Totally implicit. “We’re family, right? Family would never screw me over.”

One time this is like in the early 90s. He’s got kids. All of his big hits have happened. I mean, his albums still do. Well, he’s putting out, but not like they had done when he was younger. So he was going to pay something his credit card didn’t work or whatever, or the banks, like there’s not enough money in the bank account to cover that. He’s like, “What? I got hundreds of millions of dollars.” That’s what he’s thinking.

So he goes and he does some research, finds out what bank accounts kind of empty. He’s goes and looks in safety deposit boxes of his, and he sees all these IOU papers. So what he came to find out was that his business manager, his former brother-in-law from his first marriage, had basically pissed all of his fucking money away on bad investments and just kept IOU, so he would lose a bunch of money on one thing, get really like, “Oh shit, I lost all this money.” Then he would take on an even riskier investment and then lose even more money. Then he basically fleeced Billy Joel for everything. He’s thinking, “I got kids, and I’m expecting to send off to college,” and everything. He’s like, “I don’t have a pot to piss in my whole career. All my earnings are completely gone,” because he trusted his business manager.

He didn’t at his books. He didn’t look at his bank statements. He didn’t look at his own numbers. It wasn’t until he got smacked up against the face with reality that his credit card didn’t work, or he wrote a check and it bounced or whatever. Then he started looking into all his finances and checking his bank accounts, and he realized all the money was gone. Everything. All of his major earnings, everything was completely gone. There were handwritten IOU’s all over town, all the different banks and stuff. He went to safety deposit boxes that used to have lots of money and gold and stuff in there, and everything’s gone. There’s just IOU papers in there. He was like, “Fuck.”

He couldn’t believe it. He trusted, but he failed to verify. He loved unconditionally and didn’t verify, which you can look at that and go, “Well, that’s pretty stupid,” but it was family. You don’t expect things like that to happen with family, but it did. The guy was not good with money and he had to start all over again. He was like almost bankrupt and he turned things around. That’s pretty shocking because at that point, I think he was in his like late 40s, maybe early, probably late 40s, early 50s, because this happened in the 1990s. It was like 25 years ago. I think Billy Joel’s in his 70s now. So you can imagine, you’ve had your big career. You’re thinking, “Hey, I’m in my late 40s, early 50s, now it’s time to coast in life. I’ve made all this money. I’m set. I’ll be farting through silk the rest of my life. This is great.” Then come to find out, you’re pretty much broke.

Those things are going to happen. There are bad people out there, even people that are closest to you. Like Reagan said, “Trust, but verify.” That’s what this guy should be doing here. So back to the the emailer.

In the receiving, you should verify because if they truly love you, they’ll give back. If you’re with a giver, the giver will give back. The taker will just take. Like Billy Joel’s former business manager, he was a fucking taker, and he took and took and took until he took every single penny that he had.

Give more, receive more.

That’s only if you’re in a relationship with a giver. If you give more to a taker, they’ll just continue to take and you get nothing back there. A giant black hole energy vampire.

If you focus on the problem, you’re focusing on the wrong thing. This seems totally counterproductive, “When you’re going through it,“ but yet it’s so true.

It’s so true. Fear and hurt imprison the heart. Speak from the heart and don’t hold anything back. It’s better to be brutally honest with people than politically correct, because you can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them.

Not keeping this clear and constant you could easily fall into her trap! Like you said, you’re not going to win a fight with your wife anyways. Your approach kept me centered and opened her right up. I will not loose focus on this again. Thanks for saving my ass AGAIN.

I greatly appreciate you.

Thank you for having such a positive impact on my life.

Bob

In this case, what he was talking about is, he was with his wife and he’s feeling like she doesn’t care, or he’s upset with something that he did and he remembers love is allowing. Love is about giving. You’re there to give. Even though he’s pissed and he’s irritated with her, instead of focusing on that, which would make that expand, he’s like, “Let me find out what’s going on. Ladies first.”

Anyways, you want to open her up because when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open. When she doesn’t, the legs close. So if he comes to a point where he’s having friction with his lady like he did here, if he shows up and he’s pissed, he’s irritated, he’s accusatory, then of course she’s going to shut down and they’re going to get into a conflict. If he says, “You know what? Let me ask questions,” because the quality of your life and all of your relationships is in direct proportion to the quality of the questions that you consistently ask yourself and those that you’re in relationship with.

Back to Billy Joel. If he’d asked some better quality questions and if he had looked at his numbers, his bank statements and verified, that shit would have never happened, but he didn’t do it. He learned an extremely expensive lesson there. Somebody as successful as that, one of the most successful artists in the world at the time, got completely fleeced by his former brother-in-law because he didn’t verify, and this guy was family. That’s why he trusted him. “You’re family. We’re family. You wouldn’t do anything to screw me.”

Most guys are like, “Hey, this is my wife.” Like the other guy. “We’re 47 years. She wouldn’t screw me.” Come to find out, she’s been doing some naughty things. I don’t know how far it went because the video ended, but the look in that guy’s face, he was shocked. He did not like what he was reading. He was completely like, “Oh yeah, we’ve been together 47 years.” That’s like, “I’m going to my grave. This is going to be my ride or die,” and come to find out, “Oh, Larry is a friend from work.”

You look for guilty behavior. Is she constantly putting her phone face down? Is she constantly on the phone and texting people? You have no idea who she’s corresponding with when you see those kinds of things. That’s part of the verification process. She’s not being present with you. It’s like, “Oh hey, who are you talking to?” “Just a friend from work.” “Oh really? Who? Anybody I know?” “One of the guys from work.” “Really? 10:00 at night, and you’re corresponding with one of the guys from work? About what?” “Oh, just business stuff.” “Really? Let me see. What are you guys talking about?” “Oh, it’s just business stuff.”

That’s how things come up. You’re like, “It seems like you got something to hide. Why don’t you want to tell me about who this person is you’re corresponding with? At 10:00 at night? What’s going on? If I was corresponding with somebody at work at 11:00 at night, especially if it was a woman. Would you be like, ‘Who’s that? Why 11:00 at night? Are you corresponding with some girl from work?'” It’s like, “Hello!”

So you got to ask questions. If you see something that’s a little dodgy, don’t come from an accusatory place. Say, “I’m going to trust that it’s a completely innocent explanation. Until I found out it’s not so innocent.” So you assume that, “Oh, maybe it’s just a misunderstanding or it’s an innocent thing that happened,” but you got to ask the question. You got to verify, like I was talking about the couple that got approached and they switched the phones. The woman, she’s like, “I’m feeling uncomfortable. I want my phone back.” She actually said that. You’re like, “That poor bastard,” 47 fucking years married to her.

I don’t know how many years they were together, but they were married for 47 years. Obviously there’s something going on. There was something in the phone. He had no idea because he never verified. He just completely trusted unconditionally. When you trust unconditionally, when you love unconditionally in any relationship, you’re just creating the conditions where somebody can screw you over because you’re just not paying attention. You will get fleeced. That’s definitely something to think about. Trust, but verify always.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.