Is My Ex A Narcissist? Should I Give Her Another Chance?

How to know if your ex who acted like a narcissist is worthy of another chance.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who dated a wacky Brazilian smoke show who is 12 years older than him for the past 2 years. They had a nasty breakup. She often insults, demeans and belittles him after praising him like he’s a king. Because she is so hot and the sex is amazing, he is considering giving her another chance and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “Is My Ex A Narcissist? Should I Give Her Another Chance?”

Well, I often say your life should be a drama free zone. And so this particular emailer he dated, uh, I guess we could call her a wacky Brazilian smoke show. She’s actually 12 years older than him. For the past two years, they had a nasty breakup.

She often insults, demeans, and belittles him after previously basically telling him what a king he was. So she’s hot, the sex is amazing, and now he’s considering giving her another chance. So let’s go through his email.

Viewer Email:

Coach,

I’ve been following your work for many years and it is the best the internet has to offer on dating. I a 30 year old man, fell into a whirlwind romance with a woman 2 years ago, by deploying your 3% Man material to a tee as well as putting my personal spin on it, dating several beautiful women at the same time to have her chase me down, and by being the best version of myself. This was no normal woman. She is a former Brazilian model, previously married to a super high net worth European billionaire.

Well, as my book says, it works on normal women, brings out the crazy and the crazy really fast. Brings out the best and the best really quick as well. So the idea is that you can eject before you get too far down the line. If you realize you’re dating a Froot Loop and not a normal woman.

She is a cougar 12 years my senior and we had a hot and heavy affair that turned into a passionate romance and deep love. By her own admission, it was by far the best sex and physical chemistry of her life, but her affection for me was more than just for my looks and bedroom abilities. She is stunning, brilliant, speaks 5 languages, well traveled, a fashionista, a cultured woman, and wild and hot as hell in private.

So he likes her. The sex and the looks is a big thing. I can understand Brazilian women are incredibly intoxicating, but there’s a lot of crazy that goes along with it, especially if they come from a broken home.

I was so sure I had met the woman I was meant to be with. We talked about marriage, kids, everything. She adored me and I worshiped her. Fast forward a few months, the relationship turned dramatic. Insane really. Many in her and our circle suggested she has narcissistic or borderline personality disorder, and that something is wrong with her. But suffice it to say my world got flipped upside down.

Well, if everybody around her and people in your own circle thinks your girlfriend’s crazy and a narcissist. In other words, that abnormal behavior is pretty easy to spot. But remember, us human beings, what do we do? We make our decisions based upon our emotions, and we use logic and reason to justify that. And so, as you could tell throughout the email, hot, sexy, beautiful, great sex, great chemistry in the bedroom, you can tell what he’s focused on. He’s focused on how much he likes her and kind of ignores everything else.

Because again, when you’re really emotionally invested in somebody, you’ll dismiss the red flags, despite the fact that everybody that knows her is like, yeah, she’s kind of nutty, kind of a narcissist. And you got your own friends and family going. Yeah, she’s kind of nutty, kind of a narcissist, because her behavior is just abnormal. Usually comes from a woman that grows up in a family, either without a father or a father that’s got no chill. If dad doesn’t have any chill in them, he acts like a lunatic. Well, the girl is going to act like a lunatic.

After countless ups and downs, the highest highs and the lowest lows, we had a bad breakup a couple months ago. By the end of the relationship, I had picked up many of her negative traits.

Well. You are who you associate with. You attract how you act. Whatever you observe, you participate in. So if you’re around somebody that behaves that way, you can’t help but become like them. As the old saying goes. We tend to become like the five people who we spend most of our time with. Definitely something to think about.

We never lost passion for each other, but things got nasty, mean, and toxic.

Again, drama free zone. It’s part of what’s in the book. This is something that you got to decide upon ahead of time. And these are the standards that you set. And you got to hold people in your life accountable to them. And they don’t respect the boundary that you set. Well, then they’re going to get the gift of missing you permanently. If they won’t stop.

Our relationship never got to a stable plateau like I experienced in previous love relationships.

Well, that’s part of the fun, is because you got high highs and passion and great sex, and you got low lows, which is full of drama, difficulty, and it’s the opposite of easygoing, easy to get along with. The other thing is, I always say is you got to have a girl’s nice to you. And she clearly was not nice to him. And if she’s 12 years older than him, I don’t know if he said, uh oh, he’s 30, I guess. So that means she’s 42.

I don’t know how you’re gonna have a big family with her if she’s 42, because she’s only got a handful of years, two, three, four years left, tops, where she’s going to be able to get pregnant because the cupboard is bare. There’s just no eggs left. And if she’s already acting that nutty and doesn’t, I don’t know if she has any kids because you didn’t mention that. But if she’s that old, hasn’t had any kids, well, she’s probably pretty nutty, but she’s hot and the sex is fun.

In less than a week, I could go from being her King, her protector, the most amazing man she ever met to a “loser 30 year old” who is worth nothing more than his “big dick and amazing sex.”

These are things that actually she said to him. She called him a loser 30 year old, and he’s got nothing going for him other than his big dick and amazing sex. Well, that’s a nice compliment, actually. But that’s not normal. That’s not healthy. That’s not a girl who’s being nice to you. That’s not easy going, easy to get along with. That’s not somebody that communicates like an adult. They demean and belittle you. The way the narcissists work and you can read about this online is, in the beginning they praise you, they build you up.

“You’re the greatest. You’re fucking amazing. This and that. And then when they get upset with you, the elevation part is you’re a loser, 30 year old. You got nothing going for you out there and your big dick and amazing sex. That is toxic. It’s not healthy. So when those things happen, you got to say, “don’t talk to me like that. It’s not very loving. It’s not kind.” You can’t say those things to somebody you’re in a relationship with. It doesn’t work.

But if they refused to respect your boundaries, well, then they get the gift of missing you. And if they don’t stop, then it has to become a permanent thing. Unless, of course, you like abuse because it’s not your job to fix her or to change her, or to save her from her daddy issues because her dad did a shitty job, because he was either there and did a shitty job or he wasn’t there at all. And so there was nobody to do his job.

These cycles of idealizing me to devaluing me in increasingly dehumanizing ways went on constantly. 

Well. So that’s the whole relationship drama free zone. I say it all the time. It’s clearly not drama free. You put up with it because she was hot and the sex was great. I’ve been there, done that. Got the t shirt. Back to the point.

Back to the point, I could use a one hour session with you.

Well, if you want to book a phone session, you got a similar situation. Go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab and book a phone session online. And then Jocelyne will get you on my schedule within a week or two. And that’s UnderstandingRelationships.com.

The ex and I have started to talk again to bury the hatchet.

She ain’t going to bury the hatchet. She’ll put it in a closet and then take it out as soon as she needs it again. This woman’s not going to change, dude. Maybe if she went, acknowledged that she’s got some issues and went got herself a good therapist because it’s not your job to fix her or to save her. And if she doesn’t see anything wrong with her behavior and won’t acknowledge it won’t do anything about it. It’s the same issue with somebody who’s got a drug or an alcohol problem. Until they see they have a problem. You can’t help them. You can’t reach them.

But not to get back together. I need help on two fronts. One, I do want her back and could use advice tailored to our particular situation. Two, I need help getting out of this if going back to her is ill advised.

Well. Again, if she’s reaching out and you want to set dates and she wants to talk about potentially getting back together and continuing to date. What I would say is, if you’re gone, because it seems like you’re already determined that you’re going to, that you want to hook up with her again because she’s hot and you liked sex. Again, I get it. Brazilians do it better, as they say. But unless she acknowledges her behavior is toxic and not loving, and if she’s not willing to do anything, if she’s not willing to go get a therapist and get some help with it to fix her behavior, then there’s nothing you can do. Because she’s basically saying, this is the way I am. Take it or leave it.

I see the toxicity, the insanity of all the ways she lies and rewrites history and her verbal abuse.

So she’s a liar, too. Like, character is destiny, bro.

But I am so stuck in the good times.

Well, you’re in love with the fantasy of who you wanted her to be. Because you’re completely ignoring reality. Because you’re kind of drunk on your emotions. And you’re letting your emotions run you, and you’re completely unwilling to be objective and see reality as it is. Because again, you’re focused on your feelings and how much you like her and that enables you just to look past everything else,

But I am so stuck in the good times which are incredibly high that I can’t remove myself from feeling attached to her.

Well, you’re attached to the idea of who you want her to be, and you’re ignoring the reality that she ain’t like your ideal. She ain’t like the way you want her to be.

Anyway, the rest I’ll fill in on our call.

After we call, I would be happy to put my story in the form of a Video Coaching Newsletter if it is of interest.

Thank you,

Bob

So again, you’re not going to fix her or save her or change her. I mean, you can book a phone session, but at the end of the day, I don’t see this behavior changing unless she acknowledges that she needs to change. And I would make it so the only way she can earn another chance with you is if she agrees to go get a therapist and work through her issues. If she’s not willing to do that, you still want to just kind of hook up. Tell her we can be fuck buddies, friends with benefits, but I’m never going to be your boyfriend again unless you fix yourself. Or what did Jim Rohn say?

“I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” And it doesn’t sound like she’s willing to take care of herself for you, which is selfish and narcissistic, because when her own friends and people in your life are saying this chick is kind of nuts, she’s kind of narcissistic. And then you’re just like, “I can work with this. I can fix this.” You’re not going to fix it unless she’s willing to fix it. If she’s willing to fix it and she goes and gets a therapist, then you can date. But if she’s not willing to do that, I would just keep her as a fuck buddy, friends with benefits.

If you really like the crazy sex, but the longer you stay with her, all you’re doing is filling up the space in your life that a good woman could come along and fill. And you know, knowing Brazilian’s the way I do, she’s not going to be okay with you just keeping her around as a booty call, not for very long anyways. And then I imagine the insults and everything else will be even worse, as she tries to belittle you and demean you to get you to comply with being exclusive to her. But the only way I would ever entertain that is if she’s willing to get professional help and the help.

And it’s a good therapist and they actually do help her, but she’s not willing to do that, then it’s not your job to fix her. Two people come together to share their completeness, not to complete one another, not to fix the other person. It’s like you can’t love somebody for their potential. You got to see reality as it is. And unless she’s willing to make the effort, you’re not going to fix it.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.

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