Is My Girlfriend Crossing Lines With Other Men, Or Just Being Friendly?

How to determine if your girl is crossing lines with other men and inviting their romantic attention.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is 2 months into a new relationship. He can’t tell if her interactions with other men or inappropriate or not. She likes meeting new people, going out with her girlfriends and getting drunk with other guys as part of their group. It also appears she’s a little naive and gives her phone number out to guys who think she’s interested and available. She says she’s just being friendly and likes making new friends. This makes him very uncomfortable, and he wonders if she is a trustworthy woman. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter and the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Is My Girlfriend Crossing Lines With Other Men, Or Just Being Friendly?

Well, if you have to ask, obviously she’s crossing some lines because this guy’s writing me an email. And so, this looks like a young girl, maybe doesn’t know any better. Maybe her parents never really prepared her for this, but she’s putting herself in a lot of situations where she’s getting hit on by other dudes, and naively thinks everybody’s just out to have a good time.

Plus, on top of that, she’s giving out her phone number to other guys, and assuming, oh, it’s just very friendly, you know, good natured, no big deal thing. And obviously her new boyfriend is like, “Eh, it’s not looking good. But I don’t want to cause a problem to where she thinks I look insecure.”

“But I also don’t want to walk on eggshells, and I don’t want to be wondering what my girl is doing, and why she’s going out and hanging out until three in the morning, with a bunch of dudes that she works with, thinking that they’re all just out because they want to be her pal.”

So, these are some conversations you may have to have with your girl, because this is the kind of thing, you’re in the vetting process and you’re trying to determine what’s the character like of your girl? Because he says, “Oh, she comes from a great family.”

And quite frankly, just because the parents are together, and maybe she cares about her parents, doesn’t mean the parents have a good relationship, or a type of relationship to emulate.

So, it looks like there’s definitely some boundary issues here that need to be set. But the important thing is once he sets these boundaries, what does she do with them? Does she respect him and love him and admire him to follow him?

Or is she going to rebel and just do it anyway? And if she just does it anyway, then really what he’s dealing with is a sex playmate, fuck buddy, friends with benefits. Not a girl that he should be exclusive with. Because some of her behavior here is the behavior of a girl that still believes she’s single and is kind of keeping her options open.

And if she wants a guy to commit to her, some of this behavior that she’s doing is going to need to stop. And if she’s not willing to stop it, that’s fine. But you don’t become exclusive with somebody that wants to behave like they’re a single person all the time.

Because there are girls that will want a guy to be exclusive with her, so he’s not sleeping with other girls, but she wants to still be able to go explore, and go hang out with guys that are just friends. And then if she finds somebody she likes more, then she says, “Hey, I met somebody else.”“Heyyy!” And so, she can kind of string the dude along. And it’s a bad place for a guy to be in.

Because the guy should be the prize. The guy should be the one that’s getting locked down into a commitment because quite frankly, the guy’s got more to lose. Especially if they have kids together. The guys the one who’s going to be paying alimony. The guys are the ones going to be paying child support, and paying the bills.

And if you’re going to commit yourself to somebody and be loyal, you want to make sure that you pick somebody that’s capable of loyalty. And as Quintus Curtis said, “There’s a lot of bum bitches out there.”

Part of your job as a man, which has always been your job, is to make sure you if you’re going to get married, or you’re going to be in a long-term relationship, especially with kids involved, you’ve got to make sure that you’re with somebody that has high character traits, that has similar goals, similar values.

Because there are basically two types of women, there are the party girls and the hookup girls. And the girls you get experience with, and have fun with. And then there are girls that are relationship-oriented girls. And the thing is, I see this a lot because they’re in my comments all the time, and I’m constantly getting emails, and I’m on my phone sessions is the red pill dudes can’t seem to do a good job of judging a woman’s character.

And then so they just with a broad brush, say all women are like this, which is not helping people. So, let’s go through his email, because what this woman does after he has this conversation is going to determine whether or not she’s trustworthy and worthy of his commitment and loyalty, or if he should just turn it into a friends with benefits, sex playmate and just never agree to be exclusive with her again.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Corey,

I’m two months into a relationship with a girl I like a lot. The only real problem is that I can’t tell if her interactions with other guys are inappropriate or not.

She’s a pretty assertive and social girl that comes from a solid family.

Well, how does she talk to the dad? Is she nice to the dad? Does she respect her dad? Does her mother respect the father? Does her mother talk to the dad with respect? If they’re both verbally abusive towards the dad and they walk all over him and treat him like a doormat, that’s what she expects of men.

And so, she’s going to try to do that same shit to you. If she doesn’t respect you, if she doesn’t respect the boundaries. Then no, you’re not going to stay in a relationship with somebody like that.

You can be friends with benefits, sex playmate, fuck buddy, but you’re not going to be exclusive with somebody, that is just not going to respect the boundaries because they don’t respect the boundaries. They don’t respect the relationship. They won’t respect you.

And she has a lot of confidence. So, at parties, she likes striking up conversations with guys and girls alike.

Well, she doesn’t realize it, but the majority of the guys that are talking to her, are not talking to her because they like her personality. They’re talking to her because they want to have sex with her. Simple as that. And you need to come right out and tell that to her.

To her, she says just wants to make friends and be social. Yet there have been several incidences I’ve noticed that have made me uncomfortable.

A few examples:

Her girl-friend group met up with some guys that one of the girls in the group knew, and they all hung out late and got drunk. She told me about it afterwards excitedly because she had so much fun meeting new people. She gave one of the guys her number because she wanted to make new friends. I don’t know if the whole group exchanged numbers, or just them two.

I would say, “Hold on. You’re telling me we’re boyfriend girlfriend, we’re exclusive, and yet you’re hanging out with dudes and giving out your phone number and taking theirs.” “That guy is not interested in discussing yoga routines with you, or exchanging cookie recipes. He’s interested in having sex with you. He’s not interested in being your friend. And it’s naive to think anything other than that.”

And so, you wouldn’t like it If I’m going and hanging out with girls from the office, or other pretty single girls that are part of my friend group, and exchanging phone numbers with them and having these girls text me and tell me how cute they think I am, or trying to seduce me.

You wouldn’t like that one bit. And so, what you’re basically doing when you give your phone number out to this guy, did you say, “Hey, I have a boyfriend and then give him the number anyways?” “Or did you not even mention me and then give him the number?”

Because loyal women say, “Hey, I can’t. I have a boyfriend. Sorry. I appreciate the interest, but I have a boyfriend.” That’s what a good, loyal girl is going to do. A girl who is either young and naïve, or a girl who is just devious and a bum bitch and belongs to the streets, is going to give the number out and not care, and think you’re being unreasonable for giving her a hard time about it.

Loyal women don’t give out their number to other men. They just don’t do it. Especially in a context like this. This is not a business meeting or nothing. This is just strictly hanging out with co-workers. And one of the guys that are there is asking for her number.

And so, when she gives out her number, this guy is going to think, I got a chance to sleep with her now. And then, so, that’s going to encourage him to text her. And then he’s going to try to fly under the radar, because she knows that, I mean hopefully he knows that she has a boyfriend or is seeing somebody. But a lot of guys are not going to give a damn.

They’re going to think, “Oh, we’ll go to lunch, we’ll go to dinner, we’ll go out for drinks.” And the whole time he’s just waiting for his opportunity to make a move because he wants to make her “Mine” his. Because that’s what he’s seen in movies so many times.

You know, in movies, you see, there’s a pretty girl, and she’s with a dude that’s kind of a putz. And you got the main guy in the movie, or the TV show comes along, they have chemistry, but she’s with somebody else, but yet they have so much more chemistry than she has with the guy she’s with. And the whole thing is, “Oh, she made a bad choice.”

Everybody in the movie conspires to get her to be with the other guy. And there’s all these things that they go through. And of course, in the end of the movie, they end up together.

And the archetype is, “Oh, well, she’s in a bad relationship with the wrong person, and now she can live happily ever after.” When in reality, what happened was everybody facilitated her lying and cheating to her boyfriend and some other good dude stole her away.

When I’ve been with her at parties, she’s done things that I can’t tell are flirty or not: touching guys arms while joking and making occasional jokes about sexual topics (although not overtly about the other person.) These are fairly tame jokes.

You can just see. The other thing is when you’re hanging out with a guy and you’re touching his arm and you’re making jokes about sexual innuendo, guys that don’t know any better are going to think, “Oh, she’s hinting that she wants to have sex with me.”

And then he’s going to try to seduce you. So, you’ve got to understand what you’re you just think you’re being fun and nice to everybody. But, in reality, you’re giving these guys the green light to seduce you. And I’m telling you, this is the way it works in the world of men.

And you’re either going to be loyal and respect our relationship, and stop this behavior, or you’re going to be spoiled and entitled, and you’re going to continue doing it. And if you’re going to continue doing it, we’re not going to stay exclusive. And I’m going to date other girls. We can just go back to be being friends with benefits. I’m not going to be loyal to a girl who’s basically going out every weekend.

And giving out her phone number to random dudes, and making these guys think that they have a chance with her. That’s not what a loyal girl does. That’s what a hoe does. That’s what a party girl does. If you want to be a party girl, that’s great.

But I’m going to treat you like a party girl. You’re not going to be my girlfriend. You’ll be just a girl I occasionally hook up with. And I don’t care what you do. And we’re not together. You do whatever you want.

And when I find a girl who has the same values as me, I’m going to ditch you. And I’m going to give all my attention and time to her. And you’ll be out of my life permanently because there’s no future, if you want a relationship, there’s no future with a friend with benefits, or the party girl.

The party girl is just a phase for a little while until you find a girl you really like. So, what do you want to be? Do you want to be the party girl, or do you want to be my girlfriend? I’m cool with either one.

But I’m not going to stay with you when you’re constantly going out, and partying, and getting drunk, staying out till three in the morning at some random dude’s house, I don’t know. And then giving them your phone number because all that’s going to communicate to him is that he’s got a chance with you.

And if you’re giving other guys the impression they have a chance with you, then that communicates to me that you’re not capable of loyalty, and you don’t want loyalty from me. You just want to be a party girl. I’m not going to be exclusive to you, when you’re inviting attention from other men and you’re basically interviewing other guys, to potentially be a boyfriend, or sex playmate or whatever, I’m just not going to do it.

She regularly likes to stay out late with her girlfriends and get drunk, often with other guys there. She usually invites me, but I can’t always make it. Sometimes it’s a work happy hour, and since she works with mostly men, she’ll end up getting drunk with them because they are all staying out and having fun.

They’re all staying out, getting her drunk, hoping that she gets drunk enough so they can have sex with her. That’s what’s going on. She’s being really naive and really reckless and really stupid and immature.

When I’ve gently broached the topic about how breaking the touch barrier, and drinking around other guys, can lead to sketchy situations, she is emphatic that she wouldn’t want me to be uncomfortable, and that she wants me to know she is not flirting or interested in these guys.

It’s like, “That sounds nice, but the reality is your actions are communicating to these guys that they got a chance”. “That’s what you’re communicating.” “And I’m telling you this now. If you want me to stay your boyfriend, you’ll stop. 100% of this won’t happen anymore. And if it keeps happening, or I find out it’s happening, or has happened, or continues to happen, then we’re just not going to be exclusive.”

“That’s the way it’s going to be. So, I’m just trying to determine whether or not you have good character traits, and you’re worthy of being my girlfriend going forward. And if you’re not, you’re not. And if you are wonderful, we’ll have a great life together.“

She just likes feeling free while she’s out to make friends and talk, even if she’s drinking.

Well. That sounds like a nice explanation. Everything. But the reality is, if she’s constantly giving the green light to other men to try to seduce her, then she’s basically expecting you to be her backup boyfriend until she finds somebody better. That’s not cool. That means she’s not a loyal person. That means this is not somebody you get into a relationship with and become exclusive with.

This should be I always thought this was common sense when I was younger, that the party girls and there’s girls that are more family oriented, that are good for relationships. It’s like but most guys can’t tell. Especially the red pill guys. They got burned by a lot of these girls and they just think all women are like this. It’s like, no, you made a shitty choice. Man up and don’t do it again.

She admitted that sometimes at parties she feels self-conscious that I’m watching her, and I’ll think she’s flirting when she’s not.

Well. The reality is she’s a pretty girl, and she’s at a party, and she’s talking to some guy she doesn’t know, or barely knows, and is playing with her hair, and touching his arm, and laughing and having a good time. That guy is going to be thinking, “She wants to fuck Me.” That’s what it’s communicating.

Doesn’t matter what she claims her intentions are. That is the signal that the guy is on the receiving end is getting; “She wants to sleep with me.” And so, therefore, he’s going to try to sleep with her, because he’s going to think, because he’s seen the same movies the rest of us seen.

“Oh, her boyfriend must be a putz. You know, I’m going to save her. I’m going to be Mr. White Knight and we’re going to live happily ever after. I got to take her from this guy because he’s terrible.”

How should I interpret this behavior, Coach?

Well, she’s either totally naive and has not been taught this stuff by her parents, or she’s a bum bitch, and belongs to the streets. She’s a party girl, a hookup girl. So, the only thing you’re going to be able to determine in the future, is after you have this conversation with her, does she change her behavior permanently, or is it going to continue to happen here and there?

And if it continues to happen, then, you know you’re dealing with a party girl, and you treat her accordingly. You don’t be exclusive with party girls. She’s just one of the girls in your rotation that you’re hooking up with. She’s one of the girls in your practice squad. And when you find somebody who is fun, easy going, easy to get along with, and loyal and values the same thing, then you’re going to be like, “Hey, I met somebody else. It’s been great, but I can’t see you anymore. Bye.”

Is there a real problem here, or am I being insecure?

Well, there’s some definite big red flags. So, you’re going to have to set the healthy boundaries and see if she respects him. If she doesn’t respect him, you’re going to enforce them, and you’re going to boot her out of your life, or you’re going to demote her to your practice squad, or just one of the girls you’re hooking up with.

How should I approach this conversation with her? I don’t want her to walk on eggshells, but I also don’t want to accept behavior that’s not healthy for our relationship.

Thanks,

Bob

This behavior is not healthy for your relationship, Dude! It’s not going to last. It’s not going to work if she continues to behave this way. And so, it’s a big question mark. And I’m sure a lot of the guys in the comments will be like, “she belongs to the streets!” And she may very well belong to the streets, but we’re going to give her the benefit of the doubt. We’re going to set healthy boundaries and see if she respects them.

You know, she’s an ass to her father, and her mother berates the father and doesn’t respect him either. There’s a good chance she’s not going to respect your boundaries, and will violate them. And then you’ll have to demote her to the practice squad. And then eventually she’ll be off the practice squad when you find somebody better. So, this will be continued down the road in a couple of months. Send us another email, let us know what happens. Let us know if she accepts your healthy boundaries or not, because that will make a good follow up email for this.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.