How you can tell if a woman is really interested, just seeking attention or if you over pursued and turned her off.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who met a girl about five years ago, hooked up with her on their first date, and then she wouldn’t set a second date. He eventually met another woman and had a relationship with her for five years until they broke up three months ago.
Then, he saw the woman he had a one-night stand with on LinkedIn and they started chatting, but she still won’t meet him for a date. Now she has gone cold and he asks what it all means. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
Here’s the backstory. Five years ago when I was 26, I met this girl, (she was also 26), in a bar. I got her number and we ended up having sex the second time we met.
Which was obviously on his first date.
It was incredibly intense and mentally we connected.
Or so he thought.
After we had sex, I tried to get a second date with her and she was willing to talk, but she was hesitant to meet. She told me at that time she just got out of a relationship and she was starting to have feelings for me but was afraid to get close to someone.
That sounds reasonable, but if you bottom line her actions, she still won’t get together. And you always look at what people do, not what they say. I mean, you can take it at face value and assume that’s what it is, but it doesn’t really matter. Because you want somebody who’s like, “Oh, hell yeah, I’d love to see you. That’d be great. That’d be wonderful.”
If they’re not excited to spend time with you, then they can go on down the road, because when you try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you, it’s demeaning to yourself. If they’re not making a mutual effort, bye-bye, now.
So, I kind of gave up on pursuing her and met another girl who I dated for 5 years, up until about 3 months ago. Three weeks ago, I found this same girl on LinkedIn, (now we are both 31), messaged her and she wanted to talk to me and gave me her phone number. I called her that night and we talked and instantly reconnected. She told me that since we last spoke, over the years she thought about me often, wished that she had pulled the trigger with me back then and couldn’t stop talking about the sex we had.
I guess the sex was really good, apparently, but it was talk. If the sex was really that great, is she going to resist getting together to have great sex again? Maybe she’s a fruit loop. We just have to look at her actions.
The last time we spoke in 2016, I ripped her apart for treating me like garbage and how the girl I chose was way better person than she was.
So, obviously there was some more communicating. It’s not like they just stopped talking. It probably went on for some time, where he was trying to get together. They were only talking on the phone. He’s thinking, “I’ll be patient with her.” And then, bottom line is they never got together. And especially after he ripped her a new one, they didn’t talk. So, there’s obviously some things he’s leaving out there, but it really doesn’t matter. She wouldn’t get together with him.
She told me that she thought that I had cursed. She also said she hasn’t been in a relationship since we last met, and she hasn’t had sex in almost 2 years now.
So, five years not having a relationship.
Granted, this is a very attractive girl, so I was pretty surprised by that. I figured this was it. I had a chance now to go after the girl that I wanted to date prior to my ex, and I didn’t want this to slip away. I asked if she wanted to get dinner and meet in person, and she told me that she is not comfortable at this point meeting in person, because she wanted to have sex with me, and she wanted to make sure the next person she had sex with was someone serious.
She’s waited five years, as far as you know. But the reality is, what does it really matter how much or how little she’s had sex in the last five years? The bottom line is she doesn’t want to get together with you. You don’t pursue and invest energy and effort in somebody that just won’t get together with you.
She wanted to get to know me, and we FaceTimed. When I asked, “When do you want to see each other in person?” she stated, “I want to give it a couple of months.”
Yeah, I don’t think so.
I was confused because I questioned to myself, “Why did she want me to contact her again if she just had no intention of wanting to see me?” When I brought it up, she told me she was a runner and she did not want to feel pressured, because she runs away from guys when they get too close.
Well, you had one date and you had sex once, supposedly really great sex. So that kind of a statement there, she’s basically saying, ‘Hey, I’m a fruit loop. I run away. I avoid relationships.” If you’re trying to have a relationship and you meet somebody who runs away and basically says they can’t handle relationships, you shouldn’t be trying to date them. For whatever reason, their goals are not aligned.
I agreed it was probably best that we got to get to know each other this time, since the first time we just barely knew each other and had sex very quickly, so I figured what the heck, I can wait the 2 months.
Yeah, you’re ignoring the red flags that she just basically admitted she’s a fruit loop. But guys are thinking, “I’m going to save her. I’m going to fix her. I’m going to solve her problems. I’m going to make her see how great a guy I am. And then it’ll change her.”
So, we start communicating and texting pretty intensely for the next week, restoring that attraction and connection.
Or so he thought.
About a week later we are on the phone and I brought up that I liked her.
I think she already knew that, dude. You reached out after five years. Of course, she knows you like her.
And she said she did too.
Hey, that sounds great, that she likes you too, but is she willing to get together?
But again, she just was hesitant to want to see each other immediately.
“Hey, well, give me a call if you change your mind.”
She was honest to say, “I just don’t think I can give you what you want when it comes to being ready to see you.”
So already she’s gotten the idea or the impression that he wants a relationship with her.
She said it was purely about her lack of self-control.
Maybe she’s a nymphomaniac.
And now that she waited so long since she’s had sex, she didn’t want to throw it away. (Personally, it sounded like she was acting as if she was a born again virgin.)
Who knows? But the bottom line is she’s not willing to get back together with you again to lose her born-again virginity.
So, I kinda just waived it off, since everything was going so smooth.
Yeah, but this is like a digital pen pal. This is not a real thing.
She told me that she would message me tomorrow, and so I decided I’m not going to chase this woman, and I’ll wait for her to reach out to me this time. Well after that call, it’s been over a week and I haven’t heard from her since.
Okay, so if we just take a step back, bottom line, the actions, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” she didn’t do that. He hasn’t heard from her, so you have to assume, based on her actions, that she doesn’t care.
I haven’t reached out to her, because I knew that she had teased me once before and I was already guarded by her behavior and self-proclaimed “daddy issues.” (I assume that she runs out on men before they run on her, and her biological dad left her.)
So, obviously, she’s got daddy issues, trusting men. She just basically told you she’s not capable. She’s messed up. She’s a fruit loop.
She said she hasn’t seen her dad in years and that has made her feel unwanted.
She feels unwanted, so guess what she does to you? She makes you feel unwanted.
As for me, I know my value and I’m standing my ground. Anyway, I am not sure how to proceed with this or if it’s even worth trying with someone so broken emotionally.
Yeah, dude. Captain Save-A-Hoe, trying to fix this girl, or save her or rescue her from her daddy issues, that’s not your job.
I guess it’s just hard for me to reconcile why did she want me to reach out to her…
Because she liked the attention and validation, obviously. The girl hasn’t had a relationship in five years. It doesn’t sound like she’s dated much. She hasn’t had sex in two years.
…and want to get to know me, to truly want something real with me.
Well, if you look at her actions, she didn’t want anything real with you and she really didn’t care about getting to know you, because she blew you off. And if a chick blows you off, that means she doesn’t care, she doesn’t give a shit. She doesn’t value you, doesn’t appreciate you. You might as well be pond scum to her.
Then, when I showed the slightest desire to want to see her in person and just truly get to know her, she just essentially ghosted me.
Well, because she doesn’t care. All of her words didn’t mean anything, because her actions and her words didn’t match.
Wouldn’t you want to see someone you want to get to know and potentially have a relationship with?
Well, if you look at her actions, she didn’t want to get to know you, and she didn’t want to have a relationship with you either.
Is she just damaged goods?
Well, it kind of sounds like it. That’s what she’s telling you.
And there is no fixing someone like this?
That’s not your job. That’s her therapist’s job and that’s her job. She has to participate in her own rescue. She has to fix herself. As the late, great Jim Rohn said, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.”
She did mention to me that she is going to therapy and trying to work on not running away and trusting men, and then boom, she goes silent less than 2 weeks after reigniting the conversation she wanted me to start.
Dude, in all fairness, it sounds like you were doing all the initiating and pursuing. She liked the attention, but the bottom line is she didn’t appreciate it and she didn’t value it, because she blew you off. Again, if somebody ghosts you, they don’t fucking care about you and they don’t want anything to do with you. So, you should respond accordingly.
Should I even reach out to this girl again?
Absolutely not, dude.
Or should I just give up that this girl is a complete lost cause…
Yep, she’s a complete lost cause as far as you’re concerned.
…and is more trouble than she is worth?
Yes. Can you imagine trying to date a woman like this – constant hot and cold, constantly bouncing back and forth? She’s in therapy. She admitted she’s fucked up, and you’re thinking, “I can fix it. This is something I can work with. I can help her.” Not your job.
You’re looking for a teammate – a happy, whole, complete person who loves values, appreciates, and most importantly, respects you. And she’s not going to respect you if you keep coming back for a second and third helping. She said she was going to get in touch, she never did. Therefore, she doesn’t care. You mean nothing to her.
I guess my logic is if I don’t reach out to her again, doesn’t that reinforce her belief that I only wanted to reignite things so I could get her to have sex with me again, and not getting my way just showed she wasn’t worth pursuing on her timeline?
Again, you’re trying to blame yourself for everything that she’s doing. You’re taking ownership of her actions. She told you, “I will call you tomorrow.” She didn’t call you tomorrow. What does that mean? She doesn’t give a fuck about you. It doesn’t matter why she didn’t call, or whatever. She didn’t do what she said she was going to do.
You can’t have a relationship with somebody who doesn’t honor their words. If someone tells you one thing and they do another, well, look at their actions. It doesn’t matter what came out of her mouth, she didn’t mean any of it. So, fuck her. she can go on down the road. She’s somebody else’s problem. She’s her shrink’s problem. Let her shrink deal with her.
Then again, because she seems to be so jaded, if I reach out to her, will that be even more of a turn off?
Yeah, because you’re not congruent with your words. You were going to wait for her to reach out, she never did, so you should assume she has no interest in you. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t matter. She’s fucked up, she doesn’t like you, she has another guy, she’s going to therapy, it doesn’t matter. If you bottom line the actions, she’s not interested.
Or is she off, that eventually she will just reach out to me again?
It’s possible. But quite frankly, if she reaches out to you again and you try to get involved with this girl, maybe you should go see a therapist, because that’s ridiculous. You’re not going to have a healthy relationship with somebody that behaves this way. It’s just not going to work.
If you look through all of my thousands of video newsletters, it never works out with women like this. It’s sad. We can be sad for her, we can feel sorry for her, but whatever happened in her family, the parents are responsible. They fucked her up.
It just sucks because we clicked mentally and sexually.
That was five years ago, dude. Time to get over it. Time to move on.
But again, there always seems to be some massive red flag from the woman’s side.
That’s true. So if I were you, I would delete her number, I would block her number. I wouldn’t have anything to do with a woman like this. But it’s your life, it’s your choice. If you look at her actions, she’s not into you. It doesn’t matter. Don’t take it personally. Just say, “Hey, well, I checked that box off my list. Now I know. I made the effort.” And at least five years from now, you’re not going to be wondering, “Oh, what did I do?” You gave it your best shot.
Dating is like tennis. She didn’t want to play tennis with you, because she didn’t hit the ball back, so go find a new tennis partner. Don’t take it personally. It just means you’re not compatible as much as you think you’re compatible. Hey, you had a one night stand, you hooked up, she was hot. Hey, it’s a victory either way. Walk away.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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“The only thing that really matters in all relationships is what people actually do. Talk is cheap and means nothing without the actions to back it up. If people tell you that they care and their actions do not match their words, you should assume that they don’t really care about you and move on. You must see reality as it is, not as you want it to be. The right people who really care about you will actually show through their actions that they really want, value and appreciate you. Most people who you meet in life won’t be a match. Don’t take it personally, just recognize that they aren’t meant for you and wish them well.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
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