Is She Flexible, Submissive & A Giver?

Why you should choose a woman who’s flexible, submissive & a giver.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is a long time follower of my work. He says he’s gone through the 3% Man audio-book countless times. However, he says his wife doesn’t do much for him at all. He does 10 things for her and she maybe does one for him.

She’s not meeting his needs and even his family and friends notice. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This particular email is from a guy who has already made his choice. He’s married and he says he’s a long time follower and he’s been through 3% Man audio-book countless times. However, he complains that said his wife doesn’t do anything for him. He says he’ll do 10 things for her and he’s lucky if she does one back. It’s to the degree that pretty much his friends and family notices, “Man, you really do a lot for your wife and she don’t do shit for you.”

So one of the things you got to understand, this is a pretty short email actually, is that just because she’s beautiful and she loves you, doesn’t mean she’s a giver, because when you give to a giver, the giver gives back. You give to a taker, well the taker just kind of sucks. They just take and take.

So in the vetting process, these are things that you should pay attention to. You shouldn’t think, “Well, once we get married we’ll work all this stuff out.” You’re trying to make sure you have similar goals, similar values, she’s nice to you, she’s feminine, she’s easygoing, easy to get along with, fun to be around, she communicates well, she’s a giving person, just naturally, when she’s out shopping, she buys you a shirt, a pair of pants or a new pair of shoes, or she buys you things for your house, your bedroom or whatever, or a picture for your wall. If you tell a girl that you like something, she’ll go. When she really loves you, she’ll do something for you based on what you told her that you love. Like if you told her about a book that you heard about, she’ll go out and buy the book for you, but there are women that, while they’re fun and beautiful to be around, they’re not much of a giver, meaning they’re not going to cook you dinner, they’re not going to do things for you, they’re not going to be thoughtful. Like when they’re out shopping, they get themselves a candy bar and they’re like, “Oh, this is the best candy bar ever.” “Well, why didn’t you get me one?” “Well, because you weren’t there.” “Well, why didn’t you? If the candy bar is the best candy bar you ever had, and I’m your husband, why wouldn’t you want to share that with me? Why wouldn’t you say, ‘Oh, this is so good. I got to get one for my husband.'” Somebody who’s not a giver is just not going to think about those things, and they’re going to kind of think it’s kind of absurd that you bring it up.

So you can ask and you can inquire and say, “Hey, I would love it. Next time when you’re out and you come across the best candy bar you ever had, pick one up for your man. That’d be kind of nice. I would love that if you did that.” If she’s a giver, she’s happy and she’s in love with you, she’ll do it. If she’s happy and she’s in love with you, but she’s not a giver, she won’t just because it’s not her personality. You can ask, but if she just doesn’t want to do things for you, then maybe you married somebody that’s not a giver. It’s a little too late to do something about it because the vetting process has already passed. Now you’re just trying to determine whether or not you can live with this person long term, because it would be exhausting if you’re always doing things for the person that you’re with, and they never seem to reciprocate. Again, that’s part of the vetting process.

Viewer Email:

Hey Corey,

Long time follower and student of yours. I’m a paying member on YouTube and watch videos each week and I purchased your audio-book four years ago. At this point, I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve gone through it and continue to do so every so often. 

Well, my book will help you get what you want, but it’s not going to fix broken women. It’s not going to fix fucked up women. It’s not going to make a dishonest woman an honest woman. It’s not going to make a woman who’s a liar and a cheater, a loyal and faithful woman. It’ll bring out the best in the best and the worst in the worst. It’ll teach you how to get and keep the women you want, but again, it’s not going to fix their character flaws. That’s something that their parents did.

My predicament currently with my marriage is getting my wife to meet my needs. I know you say you’re in a relationship to give, and I certainly do my best to show up for my wife in many ways. So much so that family and friends have acknowledged to her how much I do for her. 

Where I’m struggling is feeling like things are not equal by a long shot, and it’s starting to create some frustration within myself. Hypothetically, for every 10-15 things I do for her, she does one for me. How do I navigate this to ensure this is a more equal relationship without being an asshole? 

Any advice you can give is much appreciated!  

Sincerely,

Bob

Well, just ask her. Tell her what it is that you like or you love or maybe she did something for you in the past that you really loved and appreciated but she hasn’t done it since then. You could tell her, “Hey, I really love it when you made me those Christmas cookies. Those are the best Christmas cookies I ever had. I would love it if every year you would just make those and surprise me with them. That would be wonderful.” If a woman truly loves you and she knows that it’s important to you, she’ll do that for you. If she’s not a giver, she’ll say, “Oh honey, you’re right. You know what? I’m so glad that you love my cookies and I will. Every Christmas from now on. I’ll make them for you. Thanks for letting me know how much you appreciate my cookie cooking.” Then next year comes along and no cookies, and you’re like, “What the fuck?” And you’re like, “Hey babe, when are you going to make those Christmas cookies?” And she’s like, “Oh, I didn’t feel like making Christmas cookies this year, because I’m going to make Christmas dinner and I just don’t want to make any. I’m not in the mood to make cookies.” “Well yeah, but you said you would always make them for me every year, and you know how much I love them.” “Yeah, I appreciate that, but I’m just not feeling it. I don’t really want them. I’m kind of not in the mood to make cookies.” You’re like, “What? You made a commitment to me. You promised to do it every year. That’s important to me.” Ughh alright, I’ll do it. If you’re going to be that way…” Like, who wants to deal with that? Who wants to deal with a woman with that kind of attitude?

Again, you’re already in the marriage. This would have been helpful to to communicate and learn these things and have these discussions before you got married, but probably because he was in the honeymoon period, he was only focused on how much he loved her and cared about her. He ignored everything else because it didn’t matter at the time, and now that the honeymoon period is over and the infatuation has worn off, he’s like, “This bitch doesn’t do anything for me. What the hell, bitch? What are you doing?”

All you can do is really ask. Give her a list of things that you would love for her to do, or ask her if she could do certain things for you on a regular basis. If she loves you, you’re being a good husband, you’re doing the things that are in the book and she’s a giver, she’ll be happy to do them for you because she knows they’re important to you, and she wants you to know that she loves you. If she’s not in love with you and she’s not a giver, it’s like good luck with that. There are women that can be totally in love with you, but they just they won’t do these things, so it really depends on the woman that you married. Did she used to be a giver? Did she used to do a lot of things for you, but she doesn’t anymore? Well, if that’s the case, if she used to do a lot of stuff for you but doesn’t do it anymore, well then she’s not in love with you anymore. The reason she doesn’t do it is because she doesn’t fucking care.

Most of the time when a woman loves a man, she’ll do things that make him happy because she wants to see him smile, because she cares, but if she’s not in love anymore and she’s kind of emotionally checked out, she’s just not going to be interested because she didn’t care. So it’s one or the other. Either you married a woman who’s not a giver, or you married a woman who is a giver, but you’ve kind of gotten away from dating and courting her properly, she doesn’t feel heard and understood. Maybe she’s pissed off, maybe there’s some issues bubbling below the surface, and that’s why she doesn’t do these things because she doesn’t feel the way she used to about you. If that’s the case, well you need to get back in the book and figure out where you went wrong.

80% of my phone sessions are guys that their girl has lost attraction for them. They all do the same two things. They stop dating and courting her, and then they don’t make her feel heard and understood. So if you stop doing those things, you need to turn that around today. Then when she falls back in love, ask her to do these things that she used to do. I suspect that this woman was interested at some point, and maybe she did things for him in the past, but she’s not doing them for him anymore or maybe he just didn’t care because he was so infatuated with her when they got married that he didn’t notice that she wasn’t a giver. If that’s the case, if she’s just not a giver, you’re not really going to be able to fix that. You’re going to have to learn to live with it. Then if you can’t live with it, well then that marriage is not going to work out. You don’t get what you deserve in life. You only get what you negotiate.

So if there’s things you want your girl to do for you, why don’t you ask her? “Hey honey, I would really love it if you could do this and that for me. These things are really important and really important in our relationship. I would love it if you would do these for me, whatever they happen to be.” If she gives you a hard time about it, then ask her, “Why wouldn’t you be excited to do this for me if you know the Christmas cookies are a big deal. You made them last year, or “You made them for the first three years we were together and now you’re like, ‘Yeah, I just don’t want to do that anymore?’ It’s important to me, if you love me, you would want to do it.” If she doesn’t want to do it, then probably because she doesn’t love you anymore.

Like I said, at the end of the day, there’s two types of people: There’s givers and there’s takers, and your girl is one or the other. If she used to always be a giver, but she’s not anymore, then that means she fell out of love. Then you need to turn things around. Probably you need to start dating and courting her again and making her feel heard and understood. If she’s always been this way, then more than likely you married a woman who’s not a giver. Good luck with that. You can ask, but more than likely she’s probably not just not going to be this way for you. Then you have to determine whether or not that’s something you can live with. I can’t make that decision for you. All I can do is gently lead and give you the tools that you need to make things happen, but if you made a bad choice, if you didn’t vet the girl properly and you married somebody that was kind of selfish and narcissistic and not a giver at all, well then that’s the way your marriage is going to be. If you don’t like that, then your only choice is to leave and go find somebody else who is a giver.

It’s important to pay attention to these things when you’re in the dating process, because when you’re married now, it’s kind of too late if you, especially if you made a mistake and married somebody that’s not a giver, if she wasn’t a giver when you married her and you didn’t care then but you care now, you’re basically trying to change her. It’s like, good luck with that. I don’t see that happening.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.