How to know if a woman is playing with you for attention, down to date or down to hook up.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The first email is from 29-year-old guy from Australia who has a hot female co-worker who ghosted him when he tried to make a date, but she keeps messaging him and trying to get his attention days later. He’s not sure what it means.
The 2nd email is from a guy who appears to be getting hit on by women from his gym, but when they reach out, he’s not sure what’s going on, since he offered a date, but they never accepted or brought it up. One of the women just dumped her boyfriend. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
What I liked about both of these situations is that it really brings into play a woman’s state of mind in a particular moment. In other words, she might be in a different headspace. You might talk to her, bump into her, or try to make a get together and she’s not having it. And a few days or a week or two later she’s more open to it, but you’ve kind of got to know when to try to plan a date, or is this girl just looking for attention and validation? Or, is she just down to hook up and is hoping you kind of understand what she’s trying to communicate with you?
First Viewer’s Email:
I’m a 29-year-old male in Australia. I work with a 22-year-old girl. After working with her for 4 months, I decided to ask her out over Instagram.
Well, it’s kind of weak to do that. You guys work together and you see each other every day, and then you kind of send her a message through Instagram when you could have just as easily talk to her in person when you’re hanging out. Because it’s obvious, you’ll see from the email, that they do things together as a company, so there are chances to do things socially.
And so, he works with her for four months and then sheepishly sends her a message on Instagram. That’s not helping your case. It’s making you look like you don’t have the confidence to be direct in person. And a lot of women typically are surprised by his behavior, because they interact with these guys, they think the dudes like them, and then months later they send them some kind of sheepish message on Facebook, or Instagram, or some other social media asking her out. And they’re like, “Why didn’t you just ask me out in person? We see each other all the time.”
You’ve got to remember, the number one most important thing that women find attractive in men is confidence. And if you’ve known somebody for four months and then you send her a message sheepishly on Instagram, that’s not displaying a lot of confidence. It communicates that you’re kind of afraid of rejection, especially when you interact inside and outside of work all the time, because you do things together socially as a group. So anyway, he asked her out…
She agreed and then didn’t respond when I tried to make a date. I played it cool at work like nothing ever happened. She started showing more interest in me and asked me for a kiss when she got drunk at a work event, but I didn’t kiss her because there were work people around.
Well, you simply take her by the hand and go somewhere where nobody will see you, and then you give her the kissy-poo. Again, you chickened out. Not a good way to go. If a girl wants to kiss you, you kiss her. A kiss is just a kiss. But, obviously, if she’s super drunk, it’s probably not a good idea to take her home because she could change her mind the next day. And it happens. You could get “me too’d”
Since then, things were pretty normal for the next month or so, until she saw some strippers hitting on me when a bunch of us went to a strip club after our Christmas party. She looked really upset and started messaging me a week later with love hearts and tears of joy emoticons, so I asked her out again, to which she ghosted me again.
Well, it’s obvious is her interest is not super high, but she likes the attention.
When we got back to the office, she was acting like she was in love with me…
Easy, dude. You want to underrate her interest in you. Remember, you’ve asked her out twice, and she ghosted you both times.
…always smiling at me, staring at me, checking me out and giving me attention. She also messaged me outside of work a couple of times with, “Heyyyy.”
When you get a “hey” like that, you’re like, “Come over.” Just say, come over and send her your address. Especially if it’s at night, after 10:00 and she’s like, “Heyyy,” you’ve got to assume she’s maybe in a different headspace and she’s looking to hook up. You don’t need to go out on a date or anything like that at that point. Just say, “Hey, you should come over,” and send her your address. Or just “come over” and then send her your address. See what happens.
She asked me to mind her desk, so I did, and I saw a lit-erotica book on her desk. I wasn’t sure if she left this there intentionally for me to see, to arouse me or instigate me to try and hook up with her. I was tempted to ask her for friends with benefits, but I didn’t.
You don’t. Come on, dude. Have you read the book yet? Seriously, bro, it’s like, what is this?
I kept acting normal and not paying her much attention and she went crazy and seemed sad when she heard I was going for dinner with a “friend.” She eventually said to me, “I’m bored. We should go for a drink.” I responded, “I can’t now. I’m busy until 5. Don’t you have that thing tonight?” She responded telling me what she was doing that night and didn’t mention anything else. I said “cool” and walked away, as I found she wasn’t genuinely asking me out, but may have only considered it if it was during work hours. I don’t think I stuffed up here, right?
Well, if she wants to go out for a drink, you should assume she wants to hang out and make something happen.
The last two weeks she hasn’t been paying me much attention, and I think it’s because she’s talking to another guy.
Well, maybe she’s talking to a guy who picks up on little subtle things. Like I said, it seems like at different times this girl’s in a different headspace. And that’s why, when a girl is texting you “Hey,” especially if it’s late at night, she’s probably horny and is down to hook up. Just invite her over.
I mean, you work together. It’s not like this is some stranger you talked to for 5 minutes on a dating app. This is a girl you’ve been working with for, I don’t know, six or eight months, a year? So, it’s not like you’re a stranger. You’ve spent a lot of social time together doing work things, so it’s obvious she’s comfortable. But it’s like, you’re not picking up on the subtle cues. I mean, the girl is asking you to make out with her. Yeah, she had a few drinks, but take her hand, go around the corner where nobody’s looking, and make out with her. And then you can hang out later.
I feel like I’ve done everything right in this situation.
Are you sure about that, bro?
But I am struggling to accept that she doesn’t like me despite me doing everything right. Your opinion would be appreciated.
Well, you’re not doing everything right, dude. Kind of the opposite. And you haven’t read the book. There’s no way you’ve read the book. It looks like you’re cherry picking from videos. Bad way to go. But like I said, there’s some hints there, especially when you get the “Heyyy.” I mean, she’s asking you go for a drink and you’re like, “Oh, I just walked away, Coach. I gave her no contact.” You’ve got to learn the material, because you get little subtle cues, and then you don’t know how to react to it because you don’t know the material.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I have read 3% Man 10 times at this point. I am a 41-year-old man who met this 25-year-old girl. She works at the gym I frequent daily. This girl, a few weeks back, commented on how good my clothes looked that day.
Well, typically, if a woman’s commenting on your appearance, “Oh, I like that shirt on you. Oh, I like the color on you. That looks good on you. I like your shirt,” she’s typically saying, “Hey, you look attractive.”
I didn’t think much of it, but that got her on my radar. I’m the sort of person that talks with everyone everywhere I go. I always make an impression. Around Valentine’s Day, she started to talk to me about how her boyfriend doesn’t take her out on dates and said if he doesn’t do anything for Valentine’s Day that she is breaking up with him. I said, “Well if you break up with him, my schedule opens on March 5th, and I’ll take you on a real date.”
I would have probably said something like, “Well, you know, after March 5th, I’m available to help you out with some rebound sex if it doesn’t work out. I’ll see if I can fit you in.” I would have said something like that.
The next day, I go in there and the first thing she says is that she getting rid of people in her life and asked for my phone number.
Obviously, I would have given it to her.
A few days later, I walked in she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend and was giving all of his stuff back. My reply was, “Text me your address and be ready on March 5th at 6 pm,” and then I did my workout.
Yeah, that’s kind of weird, dude. I wouldn’t do that. It’s just, you’re trying to facilitate getting together. It doesn’t have to be all formal. It’s like, take the stick out of your ass and just be a little looser. I would have said something like, “Well, when you give him all the stuff back, reach out to me and maybe we’ll get together for some drinks and maybe a little kissy-poo. Play your cards right.”
A few days ago, another girl from the gym got my number from her and texted me to ask when I was coming in that day, and I told her. Well, guess who popped up to hang out on her off day for my entire workout and left when I left?
I assume her?
The next day, the same co-worker texted me and asked again what time I was coming in that day, and guess who popped up again on her day off and hung out for the entire time I was there?
Women put themselves into orbit when they like you, but you have to do something about it and not go, “Uhhh, this does not compute. They’re giving me interest. Do I make a date?”
When I saw her walk in as I was checking in, I said, “Did you sit in the car until I walked in?” And then both girls stopped me when I was leaving and talked to me about my dog, career and such. That night, she finally texted me her number, “since I never asked her for it.” I haven’t texted her, as I’m not trying to get to know her over text.
Bro, come on. This girl is asking for your number. She messaged you and you’re like, “I’m not trying to get to know you over text. I’m not going to do anything. I’m a robot. It does not compute. Danger, Will Robinson!” If she texts you, it’s like, “Hey, let’s get together.” Or if it’s late at night, again, if it’s 9:00, 10:00 at night, it’s like, “Hey, come over,” and send her your address. She’ll probably just show up.
This girl will playfully make comments about how I am arrogant at times, how my daughter is beautiful.
You’ve got a daughter, so that obviously means that you’re safe. And they know you. They’re sending you their number. It’s like, how more obvious do you want her to be? It’s almost like this dude’s waiting for her to say, “Hey, here’s my number. Call me. I want to come over and have sex with you.” Women are typically not going to do that. You’re supposed to be the man. You say you’ve read my book ten times, or whatever, but when I look at what you’re doing here, it’s like these girls are being pretty obvious, and you’re like, “Uhhh, no contact.”
How I don’t like the music she likes, and my reply has been, “It’s not my fault you like bad music,” as I refuse to seek her approval.
Yeah, but you don’t turn into a statue, dude. These girls are trying to get your attention and want you to arrange something. They put themselves into your orbit in exactly the way they talk about in the book, and you’re like, “My gears are broken. What do I do?”
She even googled my email address that is in the gym database to find out what my business/stage name is and couldn’t wait to tell me that she found it.
They obviously like you. I’d say they’re down to hook up. Just invite them over. Invite them to meet up for a drink. It’s so simple. It’s like the other guy, you get good opportunities and then you’re like, “Uhh.” And then there’s, like, not really an opportunity, and still you’re like,“Uhh.”
After my workout yesterday, she stopped to ask me about my day, then she just randomly blurted out how she is on a dating app and has no interest in meeting any of her matches and was just there to cure boredom.
In other words, she’s saying, “Will you please ask me out? Jesus, did your balls drop, or what? Come on.”
I just sort of nodded my head and told her that I don’t need dating apps, as the world is my dating app.
But I don’t ask anybody out when they’re basically throwing their panties at me.
Today when I walked in, she was working and I asked how her night was and she replied, “I met a mutual friend and spent the night at his house.”
In other words, “You weren’t man enough to do anything about it, so I hooked up with somebody else.”
I just nodded my head and started talking to her about gym stuff. It’s none of my business what she does, but I know she wanted a reaction, and I wasn’t going to give it to her.
What is the kitty cat doing here? She’s trying to be pretty obvious, but getting pretty bored with the fact that you’re not doing anything.
I know a lot of games and tests are happening right now, but I still haven’t gotten her address for our date.
“I must get that date. It must be an official. I must pick you up.” Dude, hang out, have fun, hook up – the three H’s. Your job in the courtship, as the man, the one with the penis, is to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun, to hook up. And he’s like, “Uh, March 5th, March 6th, we official date. You must do what I want. I can’t compute anything else.”
How would the coach proceed here?
Thanks for your help, you have changed my life!
Well, if the girls are messaging you and they’re dropping all kinds of hints, they’re doing everything but throw their panties at you, just arrange to get together. It’s so simple. If she’s texting you, arrange a get-together. It says right in the book, if a woman is reaching out to you through text, or a social media app, or calling you, you’ve got to assume she wants to see you. And so when she does these things, you’re like, “I must get a date. She must say yes to my date.” It’s like, man, where is Captain Obvious when you need him? I mean, it’s terrible. I’m sure everybody that was watching this enjoyed this and they’re going, “God, what was with these guys?” I did stupid stuff like this when I was younger and I didn’t know any better, but this guy is 41. It’s like, wow!
Anyway, the next time you hear from her, assume she wants to see you and make dates. It’s right in the book. You said you read it ten times, but it’s like, have you ever practiced anything that’s in the book? It’s not going to help you if you read the book ten times or 100 times and you don’t ever practice it. It’s pretty obvious that all three of these different girls were interested in these guys. But again, it’s headspace. When he first starts talking to the girl he’s working with, she’s got a boyfriend, but she’s basically saying, “Hey, I’m going to be single soon. Hopefully, you will make a date when I’m single and take me out and beat up my pelvis, or invite me over so you can beat up my pelvis.”
Again, social proof, he’s got a daughter of his own, these girls are giving him their number. They’re gossiping and talking about him, showing up when he’s working out at the same time. It’s like, you can’t expect her to be the man, dude. You’ve got to take some leadership here, and take some responsibility, and take the stick out of your ass, and stop acting like a robot. Man, it’s so obvious. Whoosh! Right over their heads.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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