Is She Punishing Me, Not Interested or Have I Been A Cold Fish?

How to know if a woman you have been dating is punishing you, not interested or you’ve been too much of a cold fish.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who claims to have read 3% Man “dozens of times” over the past 5 years. He has been casually dating a woman for about 6 months, but they still only see each other about once per week. They are not exclusive. Lately, she has been backing away and canceled a date at the last minute for a questionable reason.

He doesn’t sound or act like a guy who has read my book “dozens of times” but a guy who has selectively cherry picked information from my book and videos. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

This doesn’t sound like somebody who has read my book dozens of times. Dozens of times would imply that it’s 24 to 36 times he’s read it. And when I read this email, this sounds like a dude that’s been intermittently cherry picking videos. He may have thumbed through the book a little bit here and there, but 36 times? I don’t think so.

He’s just constantly communicated he didn’t care and basically treated her like a friends with benefits, just an occasional fuck buddy. He calls her when he needs a release kind of thing. And you can do that with a woman for a period of time, but when it goes on for as long as it has here, she’s going to dip on you.

This guy just does not sound like he knows what he’s doing. But a lot of dudes try to puff themselves up when I do phone sessions with guys, or the emails I get especially, “Oh, yeah. I’ve always been really successful with women, but this one really threw me for a loop.” But looking at what they do and what they say, it’s like, “Yeah, it doesn’t sound legit, bro. You’re just trying to make yourself sound good.”

It’s always best to be honest, especially if you want an honest assessment from me, because in order to assess this guy, I’ve got to hear what he’s saying. Because I’ve been doing this a long time. I know people tend to try to bullshit the coach. It’s like, come on. A guy that’s read the book 36 times is not going to be behaving this way, or asking me these questions, for that matter.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Corey,

I’ve been a student for about 5 years and read 3% Man dozens of times. It’s had an amazing impact on my dating life, a huge thank you.

Recently, a girl I’ve been casually dating from a dating app for about 5-6 months has been pulling away. We’ve been dating on average, once per week since April. She’s been doing about 90% of the calling and initiating.

So, if you’ve been dating for six months and she’s doing 90% of the pursuing and initiating and you’re still only seeing each other once a week, you don’t know the material. I mean, the results that you’re getting here does not sound like you understand the material. Because what typically happens is that the first 2 to 3 dates, the guy’s usually initiating the phone call or the text, and if things go well, most women are going to sleep with the guy by the second or third date.

And then after that, usually she’s not going to wait to hear from you, because you start out with once a week, measured steps. The idea is you start out once a week, and then the woman starts initiating contact, and then you just set the next date. And so, what happens is you go from seeing each other once a week to about 2 to 3 times a week. And then once you get serious in week 6 or week 7, if you followed what’s in the book, she should be in love with you by week 6 or week 7, and wanting to be exclusive.

And obviously that never happened, so maybe this guy, like a robot, would only see this girl once a week. I don’t know what he was thinking. Maybe he was thinking he’ll just date her once a week. Again, these are the actions of a guy who does not know the book. Because I’ve been doing this for so long, almost two decades I’ve been doing this, these are the actions of a guy who’s cherry picked here and there. Or maybe he read the book initially, when he first found out about it, he started getting laid, and then he was like, “I don’t need the relationship stuff.” And so, he’s basically been stuck in the pickup and the seduction phase. He never really transitioned into dating, and then obviously into the relationship, never even got close to that. Especially now that she’s pulling away.

In August, I had to travel home for a wedding, which I was away for 3 weeks. A week before leaving, we had a date, and after hooking up, she said she “might get bored of this casual dating in the fall, what do you think?”

Again, if the dude read the book 36 times, he understands this question, “What do you mean?” It’s one of the most important questions a guy can ask a woman, “What do you mean? I don’t understand where you’re coming from. Why would you say that? I don’t understand where you’re coming from. What are you trying to communicate?”

So, it sounds like she’s hinting at she would want to see him more and that it’s not progressing. I mean, six months and you’re still going to only see each other once a week? She’s like, “This guy is going to go away for three weeks and I’m hardly going to see him. He’s going to a wedding.” I mean, at this point, she should have been your girlfriend and you should have been taking her with you to the wedding. That just tells me you’ve been too much of a cold fish and acted too much like you just didn’t care. And again, that’s what a guy who cherry picks does, not a guy who’s read the book 36 times.

To which I said “Babe, I’m open to something more, but you have to tell me what you want,” To which she replied, “These are just thoughts, and I still need time.”

And so, he quickly dismisses that. “Okay, we’re good. Let’s get to sex!”

I took it as her emotions just riding the wave and got back to another round of bedroom Olympics.

He’s basically continuing to treat it like a friends of benefits, fuck buddy. What she’s doing is she’s fishing around like, “Is this going to go anywhere? Is this guy more?” In other words, as I talk about in “3% Man,” women want to be in a love story, and it doesn’t feel like a love story. It feels like he’s treating it like a casual booty call.

Here’s where the problems began.

I’d say the problems began because you didn’t learn the material and you cherry picked.

While I was away, I didn’t contact her. And then I didn’t contact her immediately when I got back.

So, he literally disappears for a month? What do you think is going to happen? And so, the fact that she brings this up, remember, she says she “might get bored of this casual dating in the fall. What do you think?” So, the reason why she’s asking that, and if he’d read the book 24 to 36 times, like he claimed, he would know what it means. He would know to say, “What do you mean? Are you saying you want to be exclusive? You want to see more of each other? What are you saying? Do you want to be boyfriend-girlfriend? What?”

But instead, he makes an assumption and he just says, “Oh, you have to tell me what you want.” And she said, “Oh, those are just thoughts.” So, what she’s doing is she’s fishing around to see, “Are things with this guy going to progress? Is it going to turn into a relationship? Or am I just a booty call to this guy?”

And his response was, “Okay, alright, let’s get back to sex.” So, just the fact that he didn’t even take the time to open her up and really understand where she’s coming from, and then got focused on hooking up, he sent the signal that “Eh, it’s really just a booty call for me.” I mean, you go away for a month, you’ve been seeing each other 5-6 months, and you’re just literally not going to talk to this girl for a month? What the hell do you think is going to happen?

I had planned for it the following week, as I was genuinely busy when I got back.

It just communicates you didn’t give a shit about her. So, this is all on you, dude.

About 5 days after I got back, she called me but she sounded angry on the phone, (angry I didn’t contact her).

Well, the fact that she’s angry and she’s upset shows that she cares. She was hoping that you would want something more. Not that you would disappear, dip out for a month, and come back and just go, “Okay, I’m ready to get laid. I need another release. Why don’t you come over?”

I realize I should have communicated with her on the phone, so that’s my mistake.

Yeah, you haven’t read the book 24 to 36 times, dude, Not even close. Maybe a thumb through it.

On the phone, we set a date a few days ahead, which she broke the afternoon of the date, claiming she was sick. Her text was unusually cold…

What did you expect, dude? you disappeared for a month and didn’t even talk to her.

…with no reschedule offer.

Obviously, that’s indicative of low interest.

I texted, “That’s cool. Let me know when you’re feeling 100% again and we’ll plan something. Be great to see you.” Last week, she replied saying she was better and invited me to lunch.

Lunch? What do we say about lunch in the book? Lunch is something you do with somebody that you’re platonic witth. Keep in mind, he hasn’t seen her in a month. And she breaks their date, and then says, “Let’s go to lunch, instead.”

I couldn’t make it, I was jammed up with work that afternoon.

And so, he doesn’t even realize that she’s inviting him to lunch. It’s like, whoosh! Right over his head. This guy has no idea what’s even in the book.

But asked her to come over that evening, to which she texted “I have an early morning, and I have to go to another city for work. I’m back next week, so let’s see then?” I replied, “Sure. When you know how your schedule pans out next week, let’s plan it then. Take it easy.” And she replied, “Cool let’s do that. Catch you later.”

And then, notice what he says next. This is his mindset. This guy, all he did was learn pickup skills and how to get laid. He didn’t learn anything else.

I’ll wait to hear from her and then try to set a date at my place.

You’re making this woman feel like you don’t give a shit about her. You disappear for a month, and then you’re like, “Oh, I’m just going to invite her over,” because that’s probably the only thing he does with her. So, what do you expect?

Corey, what’s your assessment? 

Number one, you don’t know the book. Number two, you’re kind of a bullshit artist. And number three, you’ve acted like such a cold fish that, I mean, the fact that she’s trying to get you to go to lunch shows me that she’s trying to friendzone you. And she’s canceling dates. It sounds like she wants to dip out, and she doesn’t know an artful way to go about it, because she doesn’t want you to get upset or get your panties in a wad.

I realize I should have done a better job at opening her up on the phone, but isn’t she being a bit punitive?

You’ve been a cold fish, dude. It’s like, what do you expect? You basically treated her like a fuck buddy that you really didn’t want to spend more time with than once a week. Quite frankly, you should be dating other women. It doesn’t sound like you’re that into her. And at this point, it doesn’t sound like she’s that into you, because you constantly communicated you really didn’t give a damn about her one way or another. If you want to have a relationship, you’ve got to make a woman feel like you care about her, and all you’ve done is communicate all you care about is hooking up.

We haven’t had serious talks about our past, and we’re not exclusive.

So, in other words, when he hangs out, the conversations aren’t very deep. They’re just kind of B.S.. He’s not really trying to get to know her, she’s not really trying to get to know him. And remember, as the book talks about, if you really like a girl and you’re fascinated by her, you’re going to want to know everything about her. And so, I don’t know what he talks about on the dates, but six months with somebody and he doesn’t even know her? It’s like, oh boy, talk about clueless.

I’m doubting myself that I’ve been too cold.

You think?

I don’t feel I know enough about this girl’s past or friend circle yet to feel comfortable in a relationship.

Yeah, her actions communicate that she’s looking for a tactful way to break it off with you just because of how you treated her.

One thing that made me keep my eyes open was that she hid she was bisexual a few weeks into dating, which I found out from my lesbian friends. (When I found out, I assured her it was cool. After all, we had just been dating for a few weeks.)

I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if that means his lesbian friends know her or they’ve hooked up with her. Maybe they’ve seen her on a lesbian dating site. I don’t know what the hell that means. But having a cute girl that likes guys and that’s also into women, it’s like, you can have a lot of fun with that.

Her mum and dad have been together for a long time, however she told me they’re not great communicators. Both of our accounts are still active on the dating app.

I would appreciate any and all insights!

Bob

Well, this is why you have to actually read the book 10 to 15 times, not pretend like you’ve read it dozens of times. When someone says “dozens” like that, I know that’s a bullshit answer and it’s made up. It’s hyperbole, you’re exaggerating, and I can tell from your actions you don’t know the material. There are so many social cues that are going on here that you’re just not even picking up that are discussed in the book.

And again, you look like a guy that focused on improving your sex life and getting laid, and that’s what you’ve basically been doing with the material. It’s nice if that’s all you want, great. But you’re never going to get past casually hooking up, and into the dating phase, and then into the relationship phase with the way you’ve been behaving.

So, at this point, I’d wait to hear from her, then make a date. Actually take her out and go do something fun, like you actually care about her. And you also should apologize that, “Hey, I know I went out of town and basically didn’t talk to you for like a month. And obviously, I could tell you were upset on the phone and that’s my bad. I’m sorry. I was a little too much of a cold fish. I’m sure it probably made you feel like I didn’t care about you at all, and that’s definitely not the case. I’d definitely like to see more of you.” Whatever it happens to be.

I mean, dude, you’re six months down the road and you’re only seeing her once a week. And so, everything you’ve done, your your behavior, even your mindset, is you’re just trying to get laid and nothing more. And so, if that’s how you really feel about her, then you probably should let her be and let her go on down the road to find a guy that actually cares about her. And then you should keep dating and meeting women until you find somebody that you actually want to be with. But you’re never going to get past just casually hooking up with the way you’re treating her. So, that’s all on you, man.

The dude that you see in the mirror every day, that’s what happens when you don’t learn the material and try to bullshit your way through it. I don’t know if you really like this girl or you care about her. When you write about her, you don’t seem like you’re really super into her, especially if you don’t really even hardly know her. Six months? You spent all this time together, six months, and you really don’t know much about her, or her friend circle, or anything? That just shows you’re having very superficial and inauthentic types of conversations. In other words, you’re making her feel comfortable to the point where she’s ready to hook up, and then she goes on down the road.

So, don’t waste this girl’s time if you’re not really into her. And the fact that she’s trying to go to lunch with you and canceling dates in the evening, she’s preventing you from having sex with her, because she doesn’t feel close to you anymore. It looks like she’s looking for a way to get out of it, and so you’re going to have to do some work to turn this around if you want to save it with this girl.

But you just can’t behave this way and be shocked that the girl’s asking you to go to lunch and cancelling dates at the last minute when you haven’t seen her for a month. You’ve communicated through your actions that you don’t give a damn about her, and maybe you don’t. I mean, if it was the woman writing me and telling me how you’re behaving, I’d be like, “Yeah, that guy doesn’t care about you. You’re just a booty call to him, so I would ditch him and find somebody else to date. Don’t let the guy continue to waste your time.” That’s what I’d tell her.

You need to actually read the book 10 to 15 times and learn the material. And don’t send me emails and try to bullshit me, because I can see right through it.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.