It’s interesting the things men do in order to give themselves certainty that a woman they are dating likes them and wants to be in a relationship with them. Masculine energy is all about achieving, success, purpose, drive, mission in life, etc. So naturally when men who don’t understand women or how attraction works start dating a woman they like, they think a simple conversation or putting pressure on the girl will get her to commit to a relationship. It’s almost as if we guys tend to think women are like light switches. You go on a few dates and then simply flip the relationship switch and presto, you’re in a relationship now! Unfortunately for most men, 97% of them to be exact, they think they need to do something or create some kind of special moment that signals it’s relationship time. In many of my articles I talk about how a man’s impatience ruins a woman’s attraction for him. Today I have a cool perspective on that topic for you. I got an e-mail recently from a woman who has been on four dates with a man. She’s been out of the dating scene for a decade. He is becoming impatient with her. He’s trying to force things because he does not understand how attraction works. It’s causing her to feel uncomfortable, shut down to him emotionally and she’s unsure of what to do. She wants to have a relationship, but he’s made things very awkward for her. He thinks there is something wrong with her and that she is not ready for a relationship. The real problem is that he does not understand women or how attraction works. My comments are (in bold brackets like this) in the body of her e-mail:
Thanks for allowing me to write to you about a problem I am having. I recently met this man on an online dating site, and have been on 4 dates thus far. My problem is that I have not been talking much to this man, and he feels as though I am harboring some inhibitions. Which he explained that it’s making him uncomfortable to be around me. (Did you ever stop to think if it’s simply that you two don’t have a lot of chemistry together? If two people are really fascinated by one another, they usually want to know everything about the other person. Plus, they simply find ways to have a ball together. That is what effortless feels like. They are easy to be with. Like the chemistry you have with your closet friends.) It is not my intention to make him feel this way, but I have not been in a relationship for the past 10 years since my separation from my husband. (That is why you should take things slow; meet and go on dates with several different men. You have choices and also should look to meet someone who is easy and fun to be with. This guy is the only one you have gone out with. It doesn’t sound like sparks are flying here. Don’t you want that? You must be patient and ready for that to happen. It’s special and does not come along every day.) I have been having some issues of my own which I feel hinders me to open up as I do not want to share my struggles with him. (It’s really none of his business at this point. You’ve only been on 4 dates. Love is playful and fun, not serious. Focus on the positive and have fun on your dates.) When I say struggles, it means financially, as a single mom of a 18 year old. I own my home, but I’m having some difficulties that have been a bother to me before I met this guy. He has told me he likes me and wishes to take the relationship to the next level; and he wants me to be his woman. (He does not understand how attraction works between men and women.) I am not sure how to respond that. (See, your intuition is telling you that’s kind of inappropriate to say to someone you’ve only been on 4 dates with. Sex and taking it to the next level should naturally happen over time.) I know he’s getting impatient, (Men who don’t understand women get impatient, fearful and try to force things. I bet his impatience makes you feel uncomfortable? Guys who don’t understand women try to force the woman to commit to things prematurely in order to give themselves certainty that you really want them and want to be exclusive with them. These men are needy and don’t understand that women fall in love slowly over time. Women after all, are not light switches!) and I still do not know much about him, or him me. (He needs to slow down and take his time. Tell him you want a man who is willing to take things slow and be patient with you. Tell him if he thinks you are not moving fast enough for him, you will understand if he gets serious with another woman who wants to jump into a relationship.) He tells me that since I am harboring inhibitions, he doesn’t think I am ready for a relationship and that we can be good friends. (Tell him that you are not interested in just being friends. However, he needs to be patient and let you come to him at your own pace and what you feel comfortable with.) The truth, I want to be more than just good friends. (Tell him, but make sure he understands exactly what you mean by being patient with you. Give him specific step by step instructions of what you need to move forward and feel comfortable. Men think logically and are driven to make you happy; but we need step by step instructions our logical brains can understand. We won’t get your hints and innuendos. We’re just like dogs… “Sit, lay-down, roll-over, etc. If he feels successful at making you happy, then he will feel successful in the relationship and want you more.) I want a relationship, but I’m not sure why I am so tense and not sharing with this man. (Because he’s not making you feel safe and comfortable. He’s trying to force things because he does not understand how attraction works. He says “we can be good friends” because he thinks there is something wrong with you; he simply does not understand women. Honey, you are responding like any normal woman who has been out of the dating scene for a decade would. Take your time and be patient so you get a good man who understands women.) I am almost not sure what to say to him of me. (What does he ask you? Does he expect you to just start regurgitating your pedigree and life history? If he knows how to talk to women and he really likes you, he would be fascinated by you. He would ask the questions he wanted to know about you.) So far he knows what I do for a living, where I live, but I have never invited him to my place as of yet. With how it’s going, it might not even happen. I am confused and not sure what to do. I really like this guy and my nerves are getting the better of me. I feel like I am not communicating with him on a mature level, which is also causing him to draw some misconceptions about me. (The best thing to do is for you to communicate what you are looking for to him, how often you’d like him to call you and ask you out, etc. Make it easy for him so he treats you exactly the way you want to be treated. Give him a simple plan to follow that will guarantee that if he follows it, he will make you happy. Step by step. Clear instructions. NO HINTS OR INNUENDOS! If he really likes you enough, and he’s not too hard-headed, he’ll do it for you. If he gives you the friends only thing, tell him “no thanks, but give me a call if you change your mind. I want a relationship, but I want a man who will be patient with me.” Therefore, you will give him the best shot at giving you what you want. If he doesn’t? NEXT!!!! Find someone better. Use the tips I give in this article to help you attract the ideal mate and better candidates. Also see my article on online dating profiles to help you fine tune your online dating profile so it attracts exactly the type of men you are looking for. I wrote it for guys, but the same principles work for women too.)
My question – do I tell this guy my problems? My financial problem is not that I cannot afford to pay my mortgage. It’s just a little issue in getting my basement apartment repaired and rented to help with my other expenses which is putting a strain on my emotions. I am such an independent woman and feel funny about the whole situation. (Keep it to yourself until this guy proves himself worthy to you. So far, I’m not convinced he’s got what it takes. But if you give him the instructions like I talk about above and he follows them, then, he may have a chance. Then down the road, and if you think it’s important for him to know, you can reveal it to him WHEN YOU ARE READY. You should also read my book. It will give you the upper hand in your relationship to make up for his lack of relationship skills so you can guide him to treat you properly. It will give you a lot more tools you can use to get him to treat you the way you want, as well as the best communication techniques on the planet! It will help you tremendously! You can download the Amazon Kindle version of my book to your Smartphone, PC, Mac or iPad in under 60 seconds for only $9.99 by CLICKING HERE. You don’t need a Kindle. Amazon has a free Kindle e-reader app that enables you to read the book on practically any electronic device worldwide!)
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Author, Speaker, Peak Performance Coach, Entrepreneur
“When you trust in yourself, you’re trusting in the same wisdom that created you.” ~ Dr. Wayne Dyer