Is She Really Interested or Just Going Along?

How to know if she’s really interested or just going along with things because she’s got nothing better to do.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 24-year old viewer who has been dating a 21-year old girl he met on Tinder for about 8 weeks. They have been hooking up since their 3rd date. However, they only see each other once per week since she lives 35 minutes away and has only initiated contact with him 3 times over the past 8 weeks. He is concerned that she is just going along with things since she almost never reaches out between dates. She’s always on time, never has canceled a date and always agrees to see him when he asks.

He wonders if he should ask her what she is looking for, because he is unsure of where he stands and doesn’t want to spend money on dates with a girl who is just a casual hookup. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

His concern is that she’s just going along with things. Those of you that know 3% Man backwards and forwards, because you’ve read it 10 to 15 times, if you’re following what’s in the book, the woman should be in love with you, and be wanting a relationship, and wanting to be exclusive around week seven. Week six, week seven is typically when it happens. And so, potentially, this girl is structured or, like you said, she may just be going along with it, because to her it’s just a casual hookup. But he can call her at a moment’s notice and she’s always down to get together. So, they have a good time when they’re together, it’s just that she’s not making any effort to reach out.

Obviously, at this point in time, there’s lots of women that have become coaches over the years, and I know they’ve learned what I teach. And the problem is that these dunce warrior women that don’t know any better are basically teaching women to act like the men in my book. And so, what happens is that the woman starts acting masculine instead of feminine, so they’re basically turning these women into men, which is further exacerbating the problem. And then what ends up happening is these women that are following these coaches are attracting very effeminate, weak, insecure beta males.

And so, there’s that possibility that if a woman seems to be doing everything right when you’re with her, but in between she never reaches out. I mean, she’s reached out three times, but three times in two months, that’s not a lot. Because usually by the third or fourth week, women are texting you. Especially after you’ve slept together, they’re texting you two or three times a week. So, she’s either structured, following a set of rules, she’s not that into it, or she’s just going along. Maybe the sex is really good for her, so she’s down to continue hooking up.

And so, it brings up a good point. Because this guy is young, you know, he probably hasn’t dated a lot of girls or had a lot of relationships, so he doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. But I can look at this, and for those of you that are familiar with the work, something is just missing. So, let’s see if we can get to the bottom of it.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach!

I’ve been dating a girl from Tinder for around 8 weeks now. She’s 21 and I’m 24.

So, she’s obviously pretty young as well.  

I’m really having fun with her, and we seem to have a connection and the same sense of humor. We started having sex on every date since our third date. However, one thing feels itchy to me: she rarely initiates contact between our dates.

Well, it’s typically a structured woman, a woman with low interest. A girl that may have come across one of these female coaches that’s teaching her female clients to act like men, basically. And it turns these girls into zombies. And so, the most important thing is, if you’re going to date and get in a relationship, you want to somebody that’s excited to see you, that’s not just cool with seeing you once a week, especially after two months of dating.

It also could be that he’s doing things when he’s spending time with her that’s making him look weak. There’s just not enough in his email for me to get a sense of what he’s doing right or what he’s doing wrong. But if I bottom line the woman’s actions, she doesn’t seem to be too enthusiastic. If I was to rate her attraction level, it’s probably a 5 or 6, maybe a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10, as I talk about in the chapter “It’s All in the Numbers” in my book. So, bottom line, something is missing here.

Over the past 8 weeks, she initiated contact 3 times through texting, which I used as an opportunity to set the next date.

That’s what you’re supposed to do.

That’s why we usually only meet once a week.

So, he’s doing pretty much all of the pursuing.

Only once it has occurred that we were seeing each other twice in the same week, (but she also lives in another city, around 35 minutes away from me). She has always agreed on our dates, she’s always on time and she has never cancelled a date.

Well, that’s a good sign.

Could it be that she’s shy or playing hard to get?

Absolutely. Like I said, there’s a lot of women coaches out there now that have learned my material. And because they’re kind of dunces and they don’t understand the masculine and feminine and sexual polarity, they’re teaching women to act like men. And when you do that, the woman is acting very masculine and she’s going to attract a very effeminate guy that she can dominate, which she’s not going to like, but that’s what happens.

She told me her past dating life is very quiet, and that she’s really inexperienced in the bedroom. I’m pretty sure she’s not seeing anyone else too, as I’m only available on 1 or 2 random nights per week and when I ask if she’s available on those nights, she’s always available on both.

Maybe she doesn’t have a lot going on in her life, shy, structured. But they’re hooking up, she’s not giving him any grief. She’s pretty easygoing, easy to get along with, seems flexible. But the one issue is she’s not reaching out. And so, the fact that she’s not reaching out, it’s because she’s either structured or her interest is low. It’s pretty simple. But she seems to be excited when they get together.

But also, I met her on Tinder, so I might be wrong.

Yeah, you just might be one of the guys that she’s hooking up with. You really have no idea.

I like going out with her, but I don’t want to spend money on expensive dates if she just wants to date casually. In that case, I would just invite her to my place for some wine and indoor Olympics. But she seems to have fun on the things we do other than sex, like ice skating, shooting pool, going out to dinner, etc., and she always dresses appropriately for the occasion.

So, if he’s telling her what to wear or how to dress, she does it. That’s a good sign, too.

Should I ask what she’s looking for?

I wouldn’t do that. It’s not necessary. Because your job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen – to hang out, have fun, and hook up, not to ask a girl to be in a relationship. And the fact that she’s showing she’s not super excited in between dates, she’s not making any effort to reach out and move things along, it could be that you’re just one of the guys she’s hooking up with.

Or just keep dating her like I do now and see where it goes? Thanks in advance and thanks for your work!

Greetings from The Netherlands,

Bob

Well, what I would do, if you want to see what happens is if you normally always call her once a week to go out, don’t call her for a week, and then call her the next week and see what happens. See if she’s upset, see if she’s mad, see if she’s just like, “Oh, hey,” and then she makes a date and it’s like nothing ever happened. It’s possible she’s a little messed up, too. But like I said, if I just look at her actions, the actions are not of somebody that’s really interested. Because she should be in love with you by now, wanting to have a relationship, and I don’t see any of that.

And if she’s not in love, then that would tell me that maybe on the dates, he’s saying and doing things that’s causing her to lose attraction. But the fact that he’s only going out with her once a week, by the time he finally does reach out the next time, her interest has gone back up. That’s all I can go off of, based on what he’s showing me here.

What you want is a girl that’s like, “Hell, yeah. I’d love to see you. I miss you. I want to see you.” I mean, by this point in time, she should be saying those things to you, and she’s not. And plus, you’re 24, dude. You should still be on Tinder, and you should be meeting and dating other women. Maybe you can find a girl that actually lives closer to you, who will actually be excited, and who will reach out and text and make a mutual effort. Then things will progress, and this girl can just kind of fade out of your life.

But if you take a step back and you bottom line her actions, the enthusiasm level is not there. There’s nothing that would indicate she’s excited to have or be in a relationship. But it’s obvious that you’re looking for that, because you mention it in here. You’re trying to figure out what she’s looking for. If you just bottom line her actions, she’s just treating you like you’re a fun, casual hookup. And she’s happy to hear from you, but when she’s away from you, it doesn’t really seem like she misses you that much. That’s what her actions show.

Again, like I said, he’s given me no evidence of anything he’s doing or saying. It just looks like he’s doing everything perfect. But her interest is not going up, so she’s either messed up, he’s doing something to turn her off, or she’s structured and following some rules. I’m not saying to kick her to the curb. I’m just saying you should get some other choices and some other options and date some other women instead of putting all your eggs in one basket with her. Because she’s not making enough of an effort to where you should want to get into a relationship with her anyway. She’s not doing enough to warrant that.

Even if she did bring it up, do you really want a girl that shows no enthusiasm, never calls you, never texts you, never reaches out, and she’s only done it three times? And if you have some other choices and you have some options, you’re going to be a little cockier, you’re going to have a little bit more swagger. You’re going to be less inclined to put her on a pedestal and kiss her ass, which that might be going on. But like I said, if I just look at her actions, I would rate her interest at a 6, maybe a 7, maybe even 5 at times, just because of what’s coming back. She’s behaving just like a girl that you’ve only been out on one or two dates with, but you’ve been dating for two months and nothing’s really changed.

So, I’d get some choices and some other options and practice what’s in the book. Read it 10 to 15 times. Maybe you’ll be able to spot some things that she is or isn’t doing, or that you’re not doing, or that you shouldn’t be doing. But the key is you’ve got to be with somebody that’s excited, “Hell, yeah. I’d love to see you. I miss you. Where you been? I haven’t heard from you. Wish we’d see each other more.” Some kind of enthusiasm, but there’s just none of that. It’s just static. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but if you’re going to be in a relationship with somebody, you’re going to want to be with somebody that’s making an effort.

I’ve never dated somebody for two months and had this kind of a lukewarm reception. That’s indicative of spending time with somebody that, he may be right, she may just be going along with it because it’s better than staying home, looking at the four walls. And hey, maybe you’re really good in the bedroom and she likes the sex, so that’s why she wants to go out and have fun. But you’ve got to bottom line her actions and act appropriately.

Like I said, don’t call her for a week. If you normally call her once a week to go out, don’t call her this week and then call her the next week. Maybe she reaches out, maybe she doesn’t. But if you reach out after not speaking to her for two weeks and she still just has the same lukewarm kind of attitude, I would just look at it as kind of a casual friends of benefits.

You need some other choices and some other options that will help give you some clarity. That’s what you need, because I can tell you you’re kind of pedestalizing this girl, and you’re bothered by the fact that she’s not more into you. And you go where you’re wanted, where you’re celebrated, not where you’re just kind of tolerated. It’s important to look at that. So, I’d be getting some other options. And like I said, if you date enough, you’ll find a girl that really is excited to see you and be with you and will make more of an effort than this girl does, because you deserve it.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.