Is She Too Needy & Insecure or Am I Too Cold & Aloof?

How to know if the woman you’re dating is too needy and insecure, or if you are being too cold and aloof.

In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer who is surprised that a woman he just met and had 1 date with so far wants to come to his house to watch a game instead of a loud sports bar for their 2nd date. He likes to take his time to get to know women and wonders if it’s a sign that she is needy and insecure.

The 2nd email is from a guy who was dating a woman who needed constant attention and validation. She would get angry and cause problems because she felt he didn’t contact and reassure her enough. He had several conversations about texting and phone contact. She would be good for a week or two, and then revert back to grilling him, causing drama and giving him a hard time. He finally had enough and dumped her because she kept violating the boundaries he set. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.

First Viewer’s Email:

What’s up Corey!

I recently met a woman on Facebook and friended her because I thought she was hot. I then asked her weeks later if she was seeing someone. She said that she was open to dating but was not committed to anyone. She then agreed to meet me for a date. We went for coffee, but it was closed. 

If you’re going to take a girl someplace, she should know if it’s open or not or know their hours. I mean, everyone’s got Google Maps. You can just look and see if it’s open or not. You’ve got to think about these things.

We then went to eat BBQ and then to the art museum. She made lots of eye contact during dinner, and I shared my food with her. She then rode with me to the art museum. She would make casual touching. I then drove her back to her car. I’m not big on sleeping together during the first few dates. I like to get to know someone first.

That’s good. That actually can work in your favor. Because the idea is you want to go slightly slower than the woman does. And when you do that, then she’s the one trying to push things along a little quicker, because most guys are grabby, handsy, they don’t know what they’re doing, and the average dude turns a woman off pretty quickly.

I kissed her in my car twice before she got out and into her car and left. I had to be at the firehouse at 6 am, so I couldn’t stay out late, and she knew that. 

I assume he’s a firefighter.

Days later, she told me she felt the chemistry immediately when she met me, like within 5 minutes. 

Notice what she says, she “felt the chemistry.” That’s the important thing. Women really care about how they feel about you. So, the bottom line is she had the right feelings and her interest had continued to go up. And he should take this as a compliment to himself.

She said the kiss was icing on the cake. We then agreed to go to a bar to watch the Super Bowl. She then decided that she didn’t want to go somewhere loud and mentioned coming over to my house because “it’s quiet and we can get to know each other better.”

In other words, “I’m coming over to your house because I like you so much, I’m ready to sleep with you. As long as you don’t talk me out of it.” But he should take that as a compliment to himself that she felt safe and comfortable, because he’s just some random dude off of Facebook. And that should be a compliment, that all it took was one date and spending time with her, and she felt safe and comfortable enough with you to come right over to your house.

I said that she could come over. She will be over later today.

I assume he wrote this on Super Bowl Sunday, so maybe he got to practice the indoor Olympics. I haven’t seen an update, but it’ll be interesting. Maybe he’ll write back after this.

My question is, why is she so eager to come to my house after one date? Is she needy? Is she that comfortable and turned on by me?

Well, I would assume it’s because she’s comfortable and turned on by you. Because you went from being a total stranger. And if you notice, you friended her, and then it wasn’t until weeks later that you even asked her if she was single or seeing somebody. So, you weren’t in a rush.

And then you didn’t kiss her until the end of the night, so it just shows patience. And then you wanted to make a date at a venue, so it’s obvious you’re going slower than she is. It could be that she’s just super into you and you push all of her buttons emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically. And it is possible that she is a little needy, but it’s so early in the process, you just don’t know.

Is she crazy?

It’s possible. It’s just too soon to tell. I haven’t seen any evidence of any crazy behavior or anything. It just seems pretty normal. The girl likes you.

I read your book twice and we talk maybe every 5 days or so. I’m acting open and free with her.

Thanks Corey! Love your work.

Bob

Well, you’ll just have to see how it goes, how she behaves. Does she become possessive, and jealous, and insecure, and start accusing you of doing things that you shouldn’t be doing or dating other girls behind her back? These are things you don’t know. Remember, people can hide who they are for the first 90 days. That’s why it’s so important not to get so dopey and over the top, pedestalizing a woman when you first meet her, because then you blind yourself to the red flags.

And then when you finally discover, or recognize, or admit to yourself the red flags are there, you might be months down the road or in a relationship, and then it’s just a lot harder to leave, and a lot messier, and it can be way more unpleasant. And those are the kinds of things, the messy situations are the ones that most people are like, “Man, I hate dating. I hate being single.” So, keep your eyes open, see how it goes, and hopefully he enjoyed a session at the indoor Olympics. Maybe he’ll have an update for us.

So, the next email is a guy who definitely was with a woman who was needy and insecure. And these kind of women will absolutely drive you nuts, because you’re you’re constantly responding to their neuroses, their wounds that they have from childhood, their insecurities, their fears, their doubts. And I discussed this in my book. Back when I was with my ex wife, she just started accusing me of doing things inappropriate. And I remember saying to her, I was like, “Look, this is your issue. I’m loyal. I’ve never cheated on anybody.” Even to this day, I’ve never cheated on anybody that I was in a relationship with.

She had been cheated on in the past and she was feeling insecure, and I just told her, I was like, “This is your issue. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. If you feel insecure, you need to keep that to yourself or go get help for it. But I don’t want to deal with it.” And to her credit, she respected that and she never bothered me with that again, never accused me of it.

But it got to the point where it just kept happening more. “Oh, you were looking at her. She was flirting with you, and you were entertaining it.” I was like, “What? What are you talking about?” We would have friends come over, and she would get upset, thinking that my friend’s wife was hitting on me or was flirting with me. And I was like, “What are you talking about? I wouldn’t want anything to do with that girl anyway.” But you’ve got to set and enforce healthy boundaries.

Second Viewer’s Email:

Dear Corey,

It’s been a while since I last talked to you. I wanted to say thanks. As a result of your book, I have read it 7 or 8 times, I guess that makes me a 5 percent man.

I recently had a relationship that lasted about 5 months, 5 months too long.

You can kind of see where the first guy is, and now you can see where this dude was carrying the whole thing out, five months later. What can we learn from it? What can we spot?

I really liked this woman. She seemed to be the perfect companion – attractive, sweet, intelligent, kept a great house, a great dancer – however, there was a catch. She started complaining that I wasn’t keeping contact with her enough and didn’t tell her I loved regularly enough.

It’s just like you get constant grief. And the way she goes about it is to complain, to nag about it. It’s like, what a turnoff.

I often sent her a good morning text a few days a week. I’m not a big phone person anymore, got burned out on it from my career, speaking on the phone 12 hours per day, and I explained this to her.

I’m the same way. I don’t want to be on the phone. I don’t want to be texting. Let’s handle our logistics, and it’ll be great when we get together. That’s it. I’m not going to sit there and send 50 texts back and forth or dozens of memes. I’ve got friends and family that send me stuff, and I only get to it every few days because I don’t have time nor desire to sit there and review all 10 or 15 videos that they sent to me. It’s like, some days I just don’t have time to do that stuff, or the desire.

We stayed together 4 nights per week, usually. Of course, she would have moved into my house in a second, had I agreed.

When you have a woman pushing that hard, that quickly to move in together, it’s a little suspect.

At first, I thought maybe she had a point. I can be a bit aloof and distant at times.

Well, all of us guys can be like that.

After several more recurrences, I realized that, while I might be the trigger, I wasn’t the cause.

And so, here’s where it really becomes an issue…

This became a weekly occurrence. Finally, I put it to her. I informed her that I obviously wasn’t the right guy for her, and she should find someone else. I told her the phone is a two-way street, and if she wanted to talk to me, she should call me. She immediately backed off and apologized for being so insecure. What kept me going is that we were so good together in person.

Yeah, somebody that is constantly getting upset, because no matter what you say, or what you do, or how much you reassure them that you love them, it’s never enough. And a few days later they’re like, “Oh, you don’t love me. You don’t care about me.” It’s just not pleasant dating women like that. And you either check them on it and they make adjustments, or you’ve got to dip. Because that gets so old.

Life is hard enough. And so, when you’ve got a woman that’s like that, she’s kind of getting mad and butt-hurt, and huffing and puffing, and pissed off, and you didn’t do anything, it’s just that she’s got her own wounds she hasn’t dealt with yet, and you’re having to be on the receiving end of her abuse.

Sure enough, that lasted two weeks and she was back to her old self. I realized at this point she wasn’t going to change.

Remember, people don’t change. They may become a better version of who they are, but they typically don’t change. Maybe with some therapy and some counseling she could get her act together, but when you have multiple conversations and she’s good for a week or two, and then reverts right back to it, it just gets tiring.

Just like being in a relationship with a woman that stonewalls you. I had one girlfriend that was like that. Every time she gets mad at you, you could tell she’s mad, she’s pissed off, she’s grumpy. “What’s up? What’s the matter? You’re obviously upset about something.” She’d be like, “I don’t want to talk about it.” She doesn’t want to talk about it, will hang up on you if you’re talking on the phone and give you the silent treatment for two or three days.

I want easygoing, easy to get along with. And somebody that is combative, is passive aggressive, refuses to communicate, they want to punish you – in this case, she’s acting insecure and butt-hurt and constantly getting upset at you for when you did nothing wrong – it’s like, nobody wants to live like that. And there’s lots of guys that put up with this crap.

We had what she called an adult conversation. I explained that in the I lived a life of putting everyone’s needs ahead of my own, and that at this point in my life, I would always come first.

You can’t give away what you don’t have for yourself. You’ve got to get to a place where you love yourself, you love your time alone, and then you’re a great companion for somebody else. But somebody that can’t stand being alone, and whenever they are alone their mind starts going, and they start seeing problems or creating problems that aren’t there, it’s just so tiring.

I explained that I didn’t need her in my life, but that if she would act properly, I would keep her there. I set these boundaries in concrete and let her know, in no uncertain terms, that she was on thin ice. We had an amazing weekend together, and I thought, well, just maybe she gets it. The triumph of hope over experience.

Fast forward a week later, I had a business meeting and got home late and had texted her that I would call her tomorrow and went to sleep. I awoke to a text telling me how disappointed she was that I didn’t take her call, even though I was sleeping.

She takes everything as a personal slight to her.

That I was pulling away from her again and being distant. That was it. I called her the next day, told her we were done, and I packed her shit up. She insisted on coming to pick it up. We are 70 miles apart. Big mistake. Of course, she wanted to have a talk. I let her talk for 5 minutes and she wouldn’t leave. I escorted her to her car, and she tried come back in. I wouldn’t allow it. As you might expect, then the texts and calls started coming. I warned her that she would be blocked if she persisted.

Were it not for you, your videos, and your book, this untenable relationship might have persisted quite a while longer.

Yeah, being with somebody like that, it’s just like, no matter what you say, it’s never enough. And every couple of days it’s a new issue. It’s like, ugh. Good for you, too, for having a strength to dip out and not put up with it.

As much as I hate confrontations with crying women, I stood up for myself and ended it. The things you stress in being a 3% man were exactly the things that set her off ­– not centering my life around her, not constantly reassuring her of my love for her. In short, instead of displaying all those weak beta male properties that would have kept her in the picture for who knows how long, I showed her the alpha properties that exposed her neediness, her insecurities and her clinginess. Whatever doesn’t kill you, I guess makes you stronger.

Well, it’s just not worth it to put up with that. It’s like, can you imagine you having kids with somebody like that? She’s constantly complaining, “Oh, you’re not home early enough. Oh, you didn’t call me. Oh, you’re 5 minutes late. You didn’t take the garbage out immediately when I asked. You didn’t stir the spaghetti sauce right.”

I highly suggest that more guys take dance lessons. Besides being a great place to meet women, learning how to dance gives you the ability to not give a fuck about what other people are thinking, at least it did for me. It builds confidence and has many beneficial health results, such as  lessening your chance by over 70 % of getting dementia and Parkinson’s.

Bob

Well, just being physically fit and eating healthy will do that. But if you just look at most people that are older, it’s like nobody takes care of themselves. They don’t exercise, they eat garbage, and they basically eat and drink themselves into early graves. It’s sad, but that’s the way it is.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.