Is She Unhealed, A Bad Communicator Or Just Being Difficult On Purpose?

How to know if your girlfriend is unhealed, a bad communicator or just being difficult on purpose.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about 8 years and read 3% Man, 20 times. He says his girlfriend of the last year would walk away anytime there was a disagreement and refuse to communicate with him. She would expect him to chase her to make it right. However, he got tired of her just tapping out anytime there was a problem instead of talking things out like an adult. He asks why she would refuse to communicate and work as a team to make the relationship better. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Is She Unhealed, A Bad Communicator Or Just Being Difficult On Purpose?

Well, I’ve already been through this particular email and I would say probably it’s a little bit of all of the above. So, this particular viewer, he’s been following my work for eight years. He says he’s read 3% Man 20 times. And he says his girlfriend of the last year would walk away anytime they have a disagreement. And so, instead of staying and talking, and calmly working things out, she just gets up and takes off.

And from what he says, she expects him to chase after her, make it right and fix it. And so, what you have here is you have some passive aggressive behavior, and you have a woman that’s basically not making it easy to work things out. As I say all the time, you want somebody who’s easygoing, easy to get along with. Not somebody that makes your life hell, makes your life difficult, gives you the silent treatment, is purposely difficult to work things out with, and talk things out with.

So, what you’re going to see in these cases, especially with communication, is the girl is going to typically model what her parents displayed for her. And so, if her parents would get pissed off at one another and then not speak for a few days, be passive aggressive, or just refuse to communicate, and punish the other person with the silent treatment, it makes things pretty hard to work out.

And it takes two to tango. It takes two people that want to make their relationship work in order for it to be workable. And so, this woman is not making it easy and effortless for this guy. It’s like she goes out of her way to punish him and be difficult, instead of just talking things out so they can calmly listen to one another, and work out their differences. And it doesn’t seem like she’s that interested in it.

And this guy knows all of these things from My Book. He’s obviously been studying me for a long time. Part of the thing is, when you’re dealing with a woman like this, is that she’s either going to have to step up and become a better girlfriend or a better communicator, or he’s left with a choice. He either puts up with it and has a difficult life with her, or he goes and finds somebody who’s a better communicator.

So, it’s easy reading these just to go, “Oh yeah, dump her. Go find somebody else.” But with the guy is living with her? What if they’re married? What if they have kids already? It’s easy to sit on the sidelines and say that. But what do you do when somebody’s already in the situation? They’re already in a relationship?

Well, if you try all the different techniques and skills that are out there and she’s just refusing to participate and she just wants to make your life difficult, the thing you got to understand is that people that grew up in very dysfunctional homes, where there’s a lot of arguing, there’s passive aggressive behavior, there’s stonewalling, there’s, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

And given the silent treatment. They’re used to chaos. They’re used to disorder. They’re used to arguments and not getting along. They’re used to the drama. That’s normal to them. And so, if they get into a relationship with somebody that knows how to talk and work things out calmly, quite frankly that doesn’t feel normal to them.

And so, often people that come from those traumatic type of backgrounds will actually sabotage a good relationship because it doesn’t feel normal to them. Having the chaos and the disagreements and the drama, feels normal. And a lot of people fulfill their need for love and connection very dysfunctionally.

Because then they’re able to go, “Oh, you’re not going to believe what my husband did. And “Oh, you’re not going to believe my boyfriend did.” “Oh, you’re not going to believe what happened, my sister and I…” And there’s just constant conflict and drama in their life, and they’re always seeking it with somebody.

Because that’s what they’ve learned to seek out. That feels normal to them. And if you’re a normal, calm guy that understands the things that I teach and you come across a woman like this, it makes it very difficult to want to stay with her and work things out, especially the longer you’re together. You know, first few times that you have drama and you try to talk things out and you’re able to, but it’s it’s draining.

It takes a long time and it’s just unpleasant. And if the woman just will not grow, she will not become a better communicator. She continues to give you this passive aggressive type of behavior. There’s not a lot you can do about that. If she’s unwilling to change her approach and submit to you and follow your lead. She’s just always going to be difficult. And you can be humorous and you can be playful.

But I had a girlfriend once that was like this who was very difficult, very argumentative. She’d be like, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And she’d hang the phone up on me, give me the silent treatment. And I wouldn’t hear from her for a few days, and then she’d call me up and act like nothing ever happened. And she wouldn’t want to talk about why she was upset the other day. And after a while, six, eight months, a year of that.

You just get tired of that shit because you don’t know what sets are off. Just something triggers her, something causes her to get upset and she just won’t tell you. And the way that she solves it is to give the silent treatment for a few days and kind of punish you. And then after she feels like you suffered enough, she wants to just pick back up like nothing ever happened and sweep it under the rug, and act like it didn’t happen.

And that gets frustrating. And it gets irritating. Because if you’re in a relationship with somebody and they’re going to give you a silent treatment for several days, it’s like, who wants to constantly have their relationship, their intimacy and their closeness put on hold because the other person’s decided they’re going to be mad at you. And they’re going to give you the silent treatment.

And then when they’ve decided you’ve had enough of the silent treatment, then they’ll be back. Me personally, I didn’t want to put up with that shit, and I’m not going to. When you get used to and get spoiled by women that make it easy going, easy to get along with, and then somebody comes along, just wants to be a difficult pain in the ass. It’s like, the bar has already been set too high. Just me personally, I’m not going to put up with that. But it’s your life. You do what you want.

Viewer’s Email:

Hey Coach!

I have been following you since my junior year in college, so about 8 years now. I have been through The Book at least 20 times, (with annotations.) I first wanted to say thank you for the messages you deliver, and the mentorship you provide to your community. I recently went through a situation with my girlfriend of last year, who anytime there was uncomfortable feelings, she would run away to her parents’ house.

Yeah. That’s ridiculous. You can’t solve things when she just, “Okay. Well, I’m leaving. I’m going to ignore you for a few days, and go hang out with Mom and Dad.” If you think about that, it’s like, who wants to deal with that? You don’t know when she’s going to call you. You don’t know when she’s going to come back.

You don’t know when she’s going to be like, “Okay, everything’s fine now.” Or “Let’s talk.” It’s just, that’s not very loving. That’s emotional abuse. That’s mental abuse. And it’s just not nice. It’s not a good thing to do that to your partner. And same thing with your friendships. You shouldn’t be doing that to your friends. Getting pissed off at your friends. You’re like, “Oh, I’m going to ignore you for a few days.” Come on.

I tried countless times to give space and come back to the conversation, trying to approach it in a healthy, progressive way. She was never focused on self development and growth, while that is a huge value in my life and something I am looking for in a partner. 

So, obviously you have a value conflict there. Self-development, personal growth, becoming a better human being. You’re always trying to get better. You’re trying to better yourself. Well, if you’re in a relationship with somebody that doesn’t give a damn about that, that’s going to be really hard to make that relationship work long term. Because something that’s a priority for you, she’s just not going to give a damn about.

And that tells me she’s not open minded. If she’s not a good communicator, which it appears that she’s really not. If she’s not a growth oriented person like you are, and you’ve tried this a number of times, and she just refuses to talk, and she just does the same thing over and over. Because, quite frankly, this is what her family taught her. This is how her family taught her to resolve differences. Just have some space.

Make the other person miss you, and suffer. When you feel like they suffered enough, then you reach out to them. It’s like, who wants to put up with that? I certainly don’t, and I won’t, and I haven’t. Because like I said, when you date really good women. (If you guys watched any of the videos that I did with my old English ex girlfriend Katie from The Book.) It’s like, when you date somebody like that, and they always make it easy, easy to get along with.

She was a great communicator. Still is. That’s why almost 20 years later, she’s still in my life. That’s why we still talk. Because there’s a lot of mutual respect and admiration for one another. And she set the bar pretty high. And so, if a woman comes along and causes drama or doesn’t communicate, in an easy and effortless way, I mean, I’m used to easy and effortless.

That’s my standard. That’s the minimum standard. You got to be nice to me. And the way this woman is behaving to this guy, she’s not being nice to him. And that should be your minimum standard. You have to be with somebody that’s going to be nice to you.

Because there’s lots of miserable, unhappy people that just think it’s okay to be an asshole. And they have the attitude that, “Oh, you got to put up with it.” It’s like, no, you don’t. Life is way too short to be with somebody who is just determined to make your life difficult. It’s just not very loving.

There was a number of times she would walk away mid convo and expect me to chase after her to “make it right.”

So, that tells me that her mother would do that to the father. Mom would get mad, and she would just walk out of the room when the dad’s talking and expect him to come chasing after her. That’s very manipulative. That’s not loving. That is like communicating, “Hey, you’re not worth my time. I’m not going to sit here and talk to you. So, fuck you. Chase after me, ya bitch! Get on your knees, ya bitch!” That’s kind of the attitude. It’s like, I don’t think so.

I can’t tell you how crazy this made me feel inside, meanwhile I’m losing my own frame and becoming perturbed because it literally felt like she was purposefully choosing to not understand me, and work as a team.

Well, yeah. She refuses to communicate. You can’t work anything out if the other person doesn’t want to participate in healthy communication. That’s on her. That’s what her family taught her. And if you’ve tried umpteen different ways, being humorous, being playful, telling her, it’s inappropriate, tell her, to please be nicer to you, that you have to communicate like an adult, and not just leave and walk away frustrated and pull that passive aggressive nonsense.

If she just refuses to do that, you have two choices. You either put up with it, or you’re like, “I’m tapping out. If you’re not going to change, you’re not going to communicate. I can’t be with a woman who’s going to be like this. It doesn’t work.” Me personally, I have minimum standard. Girls got to be nice. And she’s got to communicate like an adult.

And if she doesn’t want to be nice and she doesn’t want to communicate like an adult, she’s going to be out. Simple as that. That’s my standard. I’m used to things being easy going, easy to get along with. And if something comes along and they don’t give a shit, they don’t have the same value. They don’t have the same standard. That’s okay. But they need to go find somebody that’s willing to live and have all that kind of drama.

I was wondering what your thoughts on this were and why a girl who is in a committed relationship would refuse to work as a team to resolve conflict, knowing it would make things better in the long run.

Thanks again!

Bob

Well, that’s what she learned and modeled from her parents. And you’re going to have to sit her down and say, “This is not going to continue. I’m not going to stay in a relationship with you. If every time you get mad, you’re just going to walk out of the room and ignore me.” It’s like, “That doesn’t work for me. My minimum standard is you got to be nice to me, and you got to communicate when there’s problems and sit and work things out, even when it’s unpleasant and uncomfortable, you getting pissed off, giving me the silent treatment.”

“Hey, I’m going to my mom and dad’s. I’m going to ignore you for a few days.” It’s like, “No, that doesn’t work for me. I’m not going to put up with it.” “So, you’re either going to treat me the way I want to be treated, or I wish you the best you can move out and go find somebody that hopefully will put up with that passive aggressive, unloving behavior. Because I’m not putting up with it. I don’t have to. My standards are way higher than this. And this is beneath me to put up with this crap. Simple as that. If you don’t like it, sorry. Uh, you know, at this point, I’ve been spoiled, so.”

And you should be too. Especially with having read The Book 20 times. Following me for eight years. It’s like, Dude, you shouldn’t be putting up with this crap. So, I’d sit her down and tell her that if she wants to continue to be your girlfriend, this is going to stop forever. She’s going to talk things out even when it’s unpleasant. She’s not going to throw a fit or a temper tantrum and just walk out the house, and go to her parents and ignore you for a few days. If she wants to do that, tell her to pack all of her shit, and then move into her parents house permanently, and she can find somebody else that will put up with that crap.

And you’re going to find a woman who’s going to be nice to you and communicate like an adult. Because after all this time, it’s clear you’re sick of it. I’d be sick of it, too. I wouldn’t want to put up with it. Deep down, she knows it’s not okay. And if she’s not willing to treat you the way you want to be treated, you either have to accept her bad behavior or you choose to go and find somebody else. Me personally, I’d be dipping out. I’d give her one more chance to resolve it. But if she just continues behaving this way. It’s not your job to fix her.

If she doesn’t want to change the way she’s showing up. If this is her attitude, “Hey, take it or leave it. This is the way I am.” It’s like, “Nope, that doesn’t fit my standards. I’m sorry. It’s beneath me. It’s demeaning to myself, and it’s an insult to the girlfriends that I’ve had previously that have been amazing to me. And so, I’m not going to date somebody or be in a relationship when it’s less than what I’m used to. It’s not going to happen.”

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.